winter suicide plan

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*2015.11.303°A day of cold salted fish*

Today is the 1065th day of my crush on Chen Shuning

The subjective questions of the law test in the third year almost stepped on the passing line, and the law test failed.I'm graduating in one more year.

Looking at the scores on the screen, I felt frustrated not because I didn’t do well in this major, but because I didn’t really like law before applying for it. No vortex, unobstructed to reach a safe port.

Parents said that if you study well in elementary school, you will go to a good junior high school.If you pass the junior high school exam, you will go to a good high school, and if you pass the high school exam, you will go to a good university.

But when the results of the college entrance examination came out.

They asked me what major I wanted to apply for.

I started to get confused.

Professionally, I don't think any of them matter.

It seems that I have never had a particularly clear goal, and I will go to whatever my parents set for me.

I didn’t have a real sense of the college entrance examination. When the teacher said to me, "The exam is over, I wish all candidates a happy summer vacation." I was excited, but I didn’t have a real sense. The land needs the next level.

Monotonous and boring.

I have crossed another stage in my life, but my parents didn't give me the next one, and my eyes were covered with rain. What should I do in the future?

My younger sister happened to be admitted to this school, and she chose law. My parents thought that the two of us could take care of each other, so I came here.

Hmm... After thinking about it, I don't regret coming to this school, and I'm also very lucky. In this dull life, I met Chen Shuning.

Chen Shuning is different from me. At the beginning of his military training, no matter whether he was trying to choose the squad leader or actively organizing and participating in the class, he would always be active, always dazzling, and always the top one among the crowd.

I never know whether I like men or women. When I was studying at school, I was dragged to watch movies, but I found it very boring. They all said that I was cold, self-confident and high-spirited, and teased me that I was gay.

I have denied it many times.

Later, I found out that I was just a layman, who doesn't like good-looking people with thin waists, white legs, and good grades.

Chen Shuning is popular among boys and girls, and I am no exception.

I don't have any words to describe my liking for Chen Shuning. I like him. I like him for a moment. It doesn't have any lofty meaning. He attracts me in everything he does, no matter when he started.

From the moment I saw that side, from the moment the green camouflage uniform hat was lifted up during the military training, the sun shone on the side of the face, the bridge of the nose was straight, and the jaw line was perfect.At that moment, a sound of "ding—" echoed in my mind, my pores were opened, something fell from the sky and hit my head, everyone disappeared, only me and him.

I have only now found a suitable description in a literature book, "amazing" and "heart-beating" when he passed by my eyes.

Class 2 and Class 3 shared a military training room, and when the small blackboard at the door of the dormitory read "Students on duty today: Tang Fengxing, Chen Shuning", I didn't want to erase the blackboard when I came back at night.

During the short half month of military training, I could see him climbing the stairs from my bed, messy hair, eyes not open, military training pants that didn’t fit his waistline, lazily pulling on his slippers and walking to brush his teeth.

Every moment, my heart beats.

When I left the table and forgot to wear my military training cap, he would put it on my head from behind and say, "Tang Fengxing, don't forget the cap."

He saved me from being scolded by the military training instructor.

He called my name with a nice voice.

I miss Chen Shuning so much, I haven't seen him in the dining hall recently, where has he been recently?

I was not in the mood to study today, so I thought I had to review it again. When I went to the bakery to buy Caidiexuan mochi to relax, he was wearing a sweater and hat, and he was wearing two clothes in the cold weather. I couldn’t see the complete face, bangs Covering his eyes, he didn't look very energetic. He stood in front of me and took the last three packets of mochi from the basket.

I asked the waiter next to me if there was any mochi left. The waiter said there was no more mochi, and I had to wait for an hour.

I thought about buying some toast and leaving. When paying, he paid in front of me. I took a look at the mochi on his plate. I swear I just took a look. He met my eyes.

Maybe it's my expression of sorrow and hatred today, which made him misunderstand, thinking that I really want to eat mochi.

I hurriedly avoided and paid quickly, thinking that he had already left, and pushed the door out. He was wearing black earphones, and his sweater hat was also pulled down. Hu stubble, maybe he hasn't taken care of himself for a long time.

His complexion is not very good either, he looks a lot thinner, his jawline is more obvious and sharp, his pants stick to his thighs, looking thin.

As soon as I came out, he took out a pack of milk mochi from the old bag, opened it in front of me, took out one, raised his hand and said, "This is for you."

I actually wanted to laugh, the kind of heartfelt, ecstatic laugh, even though it was obvious he wouldn't give me one.

I asked why it was given to me.

My heart was beating tight, and I tried my best to stabilize my trembling voice, pretending to speak naturally.

He says that because you don't look very happy either, eating the right amount of carbohydrates will help with dopamine.

I smiled and took the soft mochi and said thank you, Chen Shuning.Thank you for giving me the chance to say your name in full, secretly.

The powder on the mochi fell on my hand, he put the earphones back on, put on the sweater hat and left without saying goodbye.

I think he must like this song very much, and he doesn't want to miss a word.

I didn't tell him my name, and he didn't seem to know me.

Meet by chance, staggered and parallel again.

There was an old tung tree on the road in the center of the school, and I followed him far behind. He kept taking out mochi from the bag and stuffing them into his mouth, and walked slowly past the old tung tree.

I always think that there is still tomorrow, and I can see him again tomorrow. As long as we are still in the same department and in the same building, I can see him.

But it's almost a year since I graduated, and I can't help but think about the day I graduate, will I still have a tomorrow where I can see him?

Which city will he go to, and what is the probability of meeting him again?

Is it a few years later, or ten years later?

I panicked, chewing the milk-flavored mochi, staring at his back absent-mindedly, I accidentally bit my tongue, the smell of metal and milk mixed together, bloody and naive.

I don't want to see the situation of having a family and children, and I don't allow it.He wants to smile at the other half of the future, do those cute and subtle moves to the future, and even kiss and make love to the other half...

I... don't want to see this.

Thinking about it, I burst into flames.

Every time I think about getting better grades, my name can be ranked with Chen Shuning. He is always No.1, so I will try my best to get No.2. The two of us must stick together, just insert I can't stand one more person.

My evil thoughts that grew stronger and stronger as the spring breeze blew away gradually eroded my naive thoughts that I just had to look at him, follow him, and stand aside silently.

Chen Shuning was like a glass of wine, he drank it down, the alcohol content was above 50, the more he drank, the more drunk he became, but the more he drank, the more he became bolder, the more he drank, the more he wanted to go beyond the limit of the rule.

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Tang Fengchui's Diary Perspective