winter suicide plan

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Recently, taking medicine has stabilized a lot, and I find every plant pleasing to the eye.The potted chamomile that Tang Fengxing gave me has been placed on my table, and I think it is very cute.

I thought I should give him some sunshine, although I never raised anything since I was a child.I hope the chamomile can live longer this time, I can smell the faint smell of green apples in the cold winter air.I immediately thought of Tang Fengxing, Tang Fengxing's arms, his face, his ears, earlobe...

Recently he was going to practice piano music, and I didn't expect him to play the piano.

I sneaked past to see it before, and I was very curious about what his piano looked like. When I went there, I only noticed him.He is wearing a black turtleneck sweater, with a straight waist, pressing his fingers on the black and white keys, and jumping up notes along with other instruments, flowing and flowing, in one go.

Obviously my hands will always be cracked and peeled from the cold, but I still insist on wearing gloves for me.I thought about buying another one that was exactly the same for him, but I have searched for this glove, but I have not found the same model.

I've also become weird recently. I dare not give milk tea to Tang Fengxing face to face. Whenever I see him smile, I feel something wrong with my whole body. Hot body and face are one thing, and psychological guilt is another.

I have something hidden in my heart and plan to tell him after the performance on New Year's Eve.

But I felt that I couldn’t open my mouth, which was very embarrassing. I tossed and turned the things in my pockets, took them out to look at them when they were warmed up, and looked cold again, so I stuffed them back into my pockets.

I grabbed the things in my pocket, he looked at me, and my first thought was to run and go back to the classroom.I've been thinking about whether it's better not to say it, because I'm afraid that I will disappoint Tang Fengxing in the end, and he doesn't want to do it.I can't close the field, I can't grasp things, and I can't do things that I can't control.

I also asked Li Yi what hand cream to buy, but I didn't know how to give it away. I felt that the way to give it was very strange.I planned in my heart to give it to him as soon as he came. There are so many things to consider. It would be better to go straight. Tang Fengxing likes to hold back his words, and if he wants to speak, he has to make a draft, and after finishing the draft, he has to think about it don't say it.

I am really anxious to death.

I think he should be happy if he gave him something.

He is also very tired from practice, has to catch up with the paper, and reminds me to take medicine.Makes me look like a three year old, but it's nice to be loved,

But with the things in my pockets in my palm, I can't help but think about the future.

My mother, people like me are actually thinking about the future.It's still the future with Tang Fengxing. I walked through the gate of hell a month ago.People are so amazing, they obviously thought of a hundred reasons to leave the world, but I continued to live because of Tang Fengxing's reason.

Really promising.

When Tang Fengxing returned to the classroom, I found that the black really suits him, and he looks high-end and elegant. I looked at him from the window, and the sunset glow is so good at dyeing. Not to mention half the sky, it burned my face red, Tang Fengxing Smile at me, clean and clear, I understand what is wind and heart.

There is no wind movement at all, pure brokenness is my heartbeat.

admitted.

This kind of person is spoiled, and I am the kind of person who was spoiled by Tang Fengxing.Without him to feed and hug, I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I don't have the energy to do the questions.

Li Yi came to me at the beginning of the month and asked me to review the materials for her. I sold it to her, and she asked me to review the materials for her by the way.Anyway, I can earn some living expenses a month, thinking that this money can buy Tang Fengxing something, so I agreed.

I think that Tang Fengxing is also very busy recently, I can't always stick to him like a dog's skin plaster, rely on him, and always have a private space.I understand this truth.

I couldn't take a bite of eating with Li Yi, and my mind was full of Tang Fengxing, thinking of him sending me a message.When did I start to care so much about Tang Fengxing?

But it is not necessary to be polite to the benefactor. After all, I have to pay the due labor value. After all, she helped find the things in my pocket.I follow her request, review with her, have dinner, and she takes me to see that place in a friend's car.

On the eve of Christmas, Tang Fengxing didn't send me a message for a long time. I wanted me to take the initiative and say something. He was cautious every time we chatted. I'm afraid it didn't take him 10 minutes to type out a line.

He is so innocent, I really have nothing to say.Just about to send a message, he asked me if I was free for Christmas.

I just said, I have to say something at this critical juncture, and every sentence must be considered according to my wishes and changed according to my wishes. I really want to rush out of this library now and tell him in person.

I waited for you all day, just waiting for your words, I have to squeeze a sponge for you all day, I am really angry.

As a result, when I went to the appointment, Tang Rumeng grabbed me when I was about to buy milk tea for Tang Fengxing. She pulled me and asked directly, is she sincere to my brother?

Is it so straightforward to ask questions now?

Ah no, I was immersed in Tang Fengxing's roundabout questioning for a while. I'm really not used to this kind of direct questioning.

I sat down with her at the milk tea shop, and I treated him to a cup of milk tea. Anyway, he is Tang Fengxing's younger sister, so I have to be more polite to her family.

She asked straightforwardly, "Are you serious, or just kidding?"

"Seriously, I'm not interested in playing with other people's feelings." I replied firmly.

"I don't believe it. It's been three years since my brother's diary was written. I don't believe that he will confess because of his cowardly appearance. It seems that he usually doesn't care, but in fact he is...very princess-hearted." .Think about the innocent fairy tales that will never forget, and there will be echoes."

"I only found out after I picked up his diary. But it's reasonable, but it doesn't mean I want to play with feelings, can you understand?"

"If you hadn't picked it up, you might have kept this secret until you got married, so you wouldn't be able to be with him. He must like you if he is determined. I can't believe you, there is evidence to suspect that you are impromptu."

Well, I've become a demon, and I'm still a scumbag.

My heart trembled, and I squeezed the cup of milk tea tightly, and it was a little deformed by me. In the past four years, Tang Fengxing met me countless times, but I forgot him countless times.

When I think about the words in his diary, on the surface, he has nothing to do. In fact, he thinks a lot about the world in his heart, delicate and meticulous, but it always starts from me, and he never thinks about himself.

"Tang Fengxing's glove, the hedgehog, rabbit and pig's glove, he made it himself, just for you. It's so girlish, I can't even touch it."

I thought last time he said what is the name of this cartoon character?

Ning Zi?

Damn, I didn't feel that this name was familiar.

I'm stupid, right?

Holding the mobile phone, Tang Rumeng played with her ponytail and said, "You come into my investigation range, if you hurt your brother and me, I will be the first to let you go, and you will be notorious."

I'm also anxious, it's not my sister, why should I point fingers at Tang Fengxing and my life trajectory: "You can still stop your brother's idea, you still have to investigate the scope, and you have to be satisfied, aren't you from class 1? What can you see me?"

"You think you have bipolar disorder, and you are still gay. Do you really think that Tang Fengxing's personal wishes can erode the wishes of his parents?"

I stood up suddenly, my hands were shaking badly, and my heart was shaking.

Why Does She Know I'm Bipolar?

Tang Fengxing told her?Impossible, I clearly told him not to tell anyone.

She looked up at me, her eyes were like a sword blade, trying to pierce me through, and she said in a cold voice, "It wasn't Tang Fengxing who told me, and I won't tell my parents for the time being. I went to the library with him that day, and I forgot to bring I borrowed his library card, and the library card records that I borrowed five or six books about bipolar disorder and didn't return them. He doesn't look like he has bipolar disorder, and he treats no one else except you. Have you ever cared so much?"

"Also, the bandage on your arm. I just pulled the sleeve of your clothes, and I saw a circle of bandages. Self-mutilation? It's really dangerous."

"I don't know how much you like Tang Fengxing. As his younger sister, is it wrong for me to protect my brother?"

I sat down and dug my palm, and she looked at me with no emotion in her eyes: "I don't know this disease, but I know it's a mental illness. Tang Fengxing is so obsessed with you. A sober outsider. I sincerely advise you, if you are not sincere, just playing with Tang Fengxing, I advise you to change someone quickly."

I suppressed my anger and took a deep breath that stuck in my throat: "Have you said enough? I think you are Tang Fengxing's younger sister. I will be polite to you. Don't point fingers at me, and don't try to control Tang Fengxing." Are you a roundworm in Tang Fengxing's stomach, am I right for him, how much can you feel my feelings for him?"

"I'm not here to quarrel today, I just don't understand, what's so good about you, you're so obsessed with my brother."

A thought popped into my mind: "Do you think your brother likes me, and if I snatch your brother away, no brother will treat you well?"

Tang Rumeng stopped drinking milk tea, with a sullen face, stopped playing with her hair, and stood up: "No. I've finished my good words. If you want to hear bad words, I will tell you. The purpose of my coming here now is to persuade you to leave me Brother, don't let him continue to sink, let him give up."

I rode on Erlang legs, suppressed the anger in my heart, and looked at him with a frown: "You didn't want us to play tricks together again, and you said something grandiose to inspect me. I need you to inspect me. People like me like it the most." Just playing against others, don't worry, I will be with your brother well. Even if you are jealous of your brother, don't eat me?"

"Your bipolar disorder might hurt him."

"I do not know!"

"How do you know you won't? Do you make me believe a mental patient?"

"Don't you have to wait until my brother is hurt physically or psychologically by you before you choose to give up on him?"

"You should stay in the hospital, look at your sick appearance, no one is watching, maybe you will do something dangerous."

"Hurry up and separate, you can't go on this road, no one supports you."

Apparently the little girl in front of her couldn't hold back the anger in her heart. After she lost her temper, she left the milk tea behind, walked away wearing a brand-name bag and stepping on 7cm high-heeled shoes.That sentence was like a thunderbolt, crackling in my mind.

Mental illness is a stigmatized word no matter how it sounds, like the kind of person who is crazy all day long, without any safety factor.

I couldn't help thinking: Yes, if I really hurt Tang Fengxing, I would definitely choose to leave with my hands, and let him suffer from short-term pain rather than long-term pain.

But is it because I'm bipolar that I can't have the happiness I want?Or the love that everyone can have, just because I have this disease, I was thrown out of the circle of normal people.

I looked at the milk tea I bought in front of me and covered my face, can I go to the movie or not?

The lethality is really big enough, I feel reluctant to endure it until now.

The phone rang and there were 5 minutes to go.I listened to the phone and stood up, holding back the tears in my eyes and trying to explain that I wasn't going.

Tang Fengxing's voice came to my ears first, it was noisy but I caught his voice was anxious, hasty but very soft, he was reluctant to talk about me, and complained a bit that the movie was about to start and why he didn't come.

I was standing in the corner, wearing a sweater and hat. I held back my sobs and raised my head to prevent tears from falling from my eyes, but when I heard his voice, I started to cry, that kind of uncontrollable sadness.

I tried to keep my voice normal, and I said I'm coming.

I went to the bathroom, washed my face with water, and I couldn't see the red eyes, so I walked out.Tang Fengxing happily took the milk tea and asked me why my hair was wet.

I said that it was snowing heavily outside, and when it fell on my head and melted, it got wet.

I was absent-minded while watching the movie. I always wanted to watch Tang Fengxing. I looked at the rotating screen in front of me and glanced at him from time to time. I stretched out my hand uneasily and grabbed his hand. Soon he took his hand up and put it underneath.Just like this dark relationship.

With a sore nose, I looked at Tang Fengxing's side.

The movie "Your Name" is almost half a month away.Sanye and Yu met at the rainbow, and he met each other with love and obsession across time and space, life and death.

When Sanye wrote her name, I remembered, what Tang Rumeng said, did I choose to give up Tang Fengxing after I hurt Tang Fengxing, admit that love cannot save me, and then leave this world.

Pessimism and depression came, and he painted everything he had seen. In order to find Sanye, he learned that the person he liked died because of a comet landing.

The one you love dies, and you are powerless.

I experienced Tang Fengxing's pain when I committed suicide. I don't know what to do now. We have been together for half a month, and I have already started to want to give up because of other people's words.

I don't seem to be able to give him anything, but I don't want to give up. Tang Fengxing is like an obsession, a hook, pulling my collar, and then hooking my neck, preventing me from jumping down from the abyss , the hook turned into a hug, the warmth and comfort made me unable to get away from my body, and I had no time to take care of it.

Now this kind of contradiction that is going to tear me apart makes me unable to calm down. I just look at Tang Fengxing's side like this, and quietly shed tears, more and more, and my throat is blocked.I grabbed Tang Fengxing's hand and pulled it.Tang Fengxing saw me, let go of his grip, subconsciously wiped my tears, and wanted to get a tissue from his pocket.

I leaned closer to his ear and wanted to say in my heart: "Tang Fengxing, let's break up. Don't be together. We can't."

Escape is always the first choice I make, but I can't bear it, I can't bear to say it.

It was the first time I was really loved, and I really experienced the feeling of being loved.

Maybe I'm clumsy and want to respond to Tang Fengxing's love for me, maybe I'm doing something different from ordinary people.But I need him.He sowed the rose seeds of vitality in my heart, how could I be strangled at the time of germination before the roses grew to give him back, and become barren again?

I pulled his arm like a demon, I kissed his side face, my tears hit his face, I choked up my voice, as if I was swallowing a hard stone, I trembled and said : "Tang Fengxing, you can't leave me. Don't leave me, I beg you."

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Chen Shuning's perspective