winter suicide plan

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I sat in the movie theater and put on my hoodie and began to cry helplessly. I didn’t dare to leave, and I didn’t dare to make a sound that would disturb others watching the movie.I cover my mouth with trembling hands, nails digging into the skin next to my lips.My eyes were covered with tears, I was on the verge of losing control, I prayed that the movie would end soon, and everyone would leave, I don't want others to find my out-of-control emotions here.

I couldn't help walking down the pessimistic thoughts. Pessimism was like a long snake full of venom, and all the fences of my newly rebuilt inner defense were completely eroded.

Thoughts one after another, in the dark movie hall, I can only hear the voice in my head:

I am mentally ill.

I will hurt him.

I don't deserve these.

I have no future with him.

Tang Fengxing grabbed my shoulder and wanted to take me out.But I didn't move a muscle, I heard the voices of talking in the darkness all around me, and the sound of my crying leaked out of my palms.

Endless panic and suffocation are about to break my rational nerves.

Are they talking about me?

Did I disturb them?

Why am I always bothering others?

Why do I always do nothing and disturb others?

My existence has no meaning at all.

When the movie ended, people in twos and threes left the scene. I kept my movements stiff, lowered my head, and let Tang Fengxing drag me out.Walking outside to the commercial plaza, Christmas people come and go, gearing up.

I was hit by a family, and I saw the father gouging out his disgusted eyes, and my dam collapsed at this moment.I burst into tears, and the mother hurried away with the baby in her arms, leaving a sentence: "You are crazy." She left in a hurry, as if she was afraid of some unexpected bad luck during the festival.

I was pulling my sweater and hat, and I was crying heartbreakingly in the middle of the square. I knew that someone was pointing fingers, but I couldn't control the sadness and depression.I heard the click of my phone taking pictures.Tang Fengxing pushed them away to tell them not to shoot anymore, and he protected me behind him.I screamed sharply, and the ghost came out of my body, entangled, and whispered in my ear, making me continue to lose control.

I broke free from Tang Fengxing's hand, I ran away, I slammed into the crowd, I ran so fast that I was out of breath, along the road, stepping on the soft snow, I didn't know which way to run.

There was confusion in front of my eyes, running around like headless flies, I ran into a supermarket, I approached the snack shelf step by step, like a rampant thief, I tore open the packaging bag of Snickers bars, pieces of chocolates, candies, through leading to the mouth plug.Trying to stop a flood is usually sad and empty inside.

The waiter called for someone to come, grabbed my sweater hat, and forced my arm.Under the entanglement, my face was exposed, and many people gathered in front of me. They were accusing me, and I looked like a sinner accused by thousands of people.My glasses are blurred with tears, like an unreal dream.

They held my neck, as if they were arresting criminals. I heard Tang Fengxing's shout, he pulled away the hands of those people, and he told them not to touch me.He snatched me over and helped me put my hoodie back on.He said that he would lose money if he ate it, he apologized for me, and he paid me for the snacks.He took my hand and led me out of this place.

Walking non-stop, non-stop walking for a long time, the chocolate in my mouth melted, and my mouth was full of strange tastes, and I swallowed these with salty and bitter tears.

Tang Fengxing stopped, I couldn't see my surroundings clearly, I could only see the concrete road under my feet, we sat on a bench, he hugged me tightly in his arms, and clasped my neck tightly with his arms, I heard There was the sound of plastic rubbing against each other, and the surrounding was silent.

I sobbed, one after another, he touched my hair again and again through the sweater hat: "Chen Shuning, it's okay, there is no one here, don't be afraid."

My face was sticky, and the night wind was blowing so hard that tears stuck to the skin of my face. Tang Fengxing took out a tissue and wiped my tears and snot off my nose.

I let him wipe my face tiredly, wiped it clean, and I shed tears again.He joked at me: "Did you put an ocean in the tear duct?"

He opened the chocolates in the plastic bag for me to eat, and I swallowed them whole. I opened one after another by myself. There was no sweetness at all, only the touch of chocolate sliding on the muscles of my tongue.

He just waited quietly beside me, and when I settled down, he kept stroking my back without saying a word.How long I ate it, I don't know.I stopped swallowing until I got nauseous and my cheeks hurt.

Only then did he speak: "Have you calmed down? Can you tell me how you are doing now? Or what mood?"

I feel stuck in my throat, I can't say a word, even if I say it, I can't get it right.I shook my head and said endlessly in a trembling voice: "I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."

"Why do you still cry when you say I'm sorry?" He helped me take off my glasses.I lowered my head to cover my face, exhausted, unable to know where the sadness was coming from.I was taken back to the dormitory, and I didn't want to say a word.

After Tang Fengxing forced me to take the medicine, I lay on the bed, wrapped myself tightly in the quilt, and leaned against the wall. There were all kinds of noisy voices outside, and they were discussing me.I hugged my shoulders tightly, and in the suffocating bed, I cried silently, repeatedly pulled between reason and emotion, and only I was broken.

I fell asleep without knowing it, and woke up with gray eyes.Dust blindfolded, dusty without a trace of light.

Li Yi came to see me, but Tang Fengxing said I had a cold and put her off.I can't speak, I can only lie on the bed as a corpse.I was so tired of breathing that I wanted to stop my breathing.

I, who was as bright as the sun yesterday, became a pile of bones without flesh today.Laughed yesterday, cried today.

love what love.

I closed my eyes and continued to fall asleep, not having the energy to care about anything.Tang Fengxing talked to me, but I didn't answer a word, I treated everyone as air.I turned my back on everyone and endured the rotting flesh.

I always think in my dizzy kaleidoscope dream:

What do I exist for?

It seems that there is no point in staying here anymore.

Next to my pillow is the chocolate he bought. The carbohydrates in chocolate can increase the secretion of dopamine. I watch the chocolate put into the palm of my hand and crawl under the covers.Looking at these bags, I thought of last night, Tang Fengxing last night, he cleaned up the mess for me and apologized for me.

I hid in the quilt and cried hard, so tired, why, why did he endure this for me.

I've been trying to tell him since last night that I don't love him anymore.

Why did he have to go through this with me?

Tang Rumeng was not wrong, she was right.

People are advanced animals that seek advantages and avoid disadvantages. It is not their fault to choose what is beneficial, and it is not their responsibility not to understand.

It doesn't matter if I don't empathize, as long as they can treat me as a normal person, everything I say and do will be interpreted as psychosis, even though I am not harmful.

Resisting not wanting to cry anymore, until the day of the New Year's Eve party, except for going to the toilet and taking a shower.I haven't spoken to a single person, including Tang Fengxing.No activity, just laying, speechless on the bed, not wanting to move.

I didn't drive him away, and I didn't try to keep him, even though he kept talking to me at my bedside.I think he is just a piece of air, as long as I keep ignoring him, he will lose patience and give up on me.

But as soon as I thought about letting go, I started to cry tears from my eyes and into my hair, with exploding pains of grief.

In the end, he was going to prepare for the live performance. He waited for a long time, and when the phone came to urge him, he said to me: "Chen Shuning, come and listen to the song I prepared, I want you to come to the live performance."

I didn't reply to him, he stood there for a while, the phone rang urgently, and the shadow printed on the white wall disappeared.

Everyone in the dormitory went to the gymnasium to occupy a seat. I turned to look at the door, and there was a lot of commotion outside. This year, there were 30 performances, which were calculated to be enough until exactly 00:00 to celebrate the New Year together.

Tang Fengxing's performance was arranged in the middle.

The phone rings and rings, lights up and goes out, like my breathing.Tang Fengxing kept calling me, he was always waiting for me.

I looked at the wooden bed boards in front of me and chewed the chocolate he bought. The sound of the gymnasium was heard in the dormitory area, and I heard songs and drama performances.The deafening microphone sound, applause, shouting, all the bustle and carnival seemed to have nothing to do with me, and I still didn't want to get up.I hugged my coat and looked at the gray wall in front of me.

Suddenly remembered something, I fumbled anxiously for something in my pocket, found the cold piece, and grabbed it in my hand.

I recalled seeing Tang Fengxing through the window yesterday, smiling at me under the sunset like a vivid oil painting of life.

The cold was warmed by me, and I heard an indistinct announcement: "I invite the trickling stream band to perform - "Try"."

I was holding the key, and the chocolate in my mouth suddenly tasted like a toothache sticking to my teeth.Suddenly something got through, a huge force stimulated me, someone was waiting for me, Tang Fengxing was waiting for me.

I sat up in a hurry and buttoned my coat in a panic. I buttoned the wrong button without knowing it. I didn’t even wear any socks. I put on my shoes and ran, running down the stairs.

I heard the background music playing in the distance, and the instruments played the prelude one after another.I ran down from the dormitory building.

The piano keys were pressed one after another, and the familiar voice slowly came out of the gymnasium and into my ears.

The singing voice carries the story, like opening his diary and being opened and narrated, with vivid story pictures.

*If I walk, would yourun?*

*Will my approach put you off? *

*If I stop, would you come?*

*Will my stopping make you come closer to me? *

*If I say you're the one,*

*would you believe me?*

*If I say you're my one and only*

*Would you believe it? *

*If Iaskyyoutostay,wouldyoushowmetheway?*

*If I want you to stay, will you show me how to do it? *

*Tell me what to say so you don't leave me.*

*Tell me what to say to keep you. *

I followed the rhythm of the lyrics and ran desperately. I was afraid that the song would end, and I was afraid that he would not see me and come to listen to his performance.I ran into the gymnasium, the crowd was surging, there were countless fluorescent stick lights, and the venue was darker.I was gasping for breath, it was too late, I could only stand behind and see Tang Fengxing on the big screen, with distortion and blurred transcription.All the performers, I can only see him in a black coat, the dim light makes him unreal, and his whole body is covered with golden fluff.

He is a huge beam of light in front of my eyes, illuminating all the dark corners in front of my eyes.

*Theworlddiscatchinguptoyou*

*The world holds you back, when you run hard and chase your dreams*

*It's time for us to make a move cause wear area asking one another to change*

*time to step up and make a difference for each other*

*And maybe bei'm not ready*

*Maybe I'm not ready*

*But I'll try for your love*

*but i'll fight for your love*

*I can hide up above*

*I can also choose to escape*

*I will try for your love*

*But I'll work hard for your love*

*We've been hiding enough*

*we've missed it for too long*

*If Isingyouasong,wouldhousingalong?*

I flipped through a lot in front of my eyes, and the pages of pictures with Tang Fengxing were flipped page by page in his voice, as if I was flipping through a story collection, an exclusive collection of stories belonging to the two of us.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I forced myself to look up at him, Tang Fengxing had to persevere, why couldn't I live a good life for him, for him.

I figured out how to answer that question, the one I kept asking myself in the dream.

What am I living for.

I want to survive for Tang Fengxing.

Heal the disease properly and return to normal life.Live with him.

The moment his singing disappeared, I saw the girl next to me holding flowers backstage, saying that she was going to send flowers to the person who performed the drama last time, because she liked that person and wanted to confess her love.

I saw that my hands were empty, and I asked where to buy flowers, and they said there was an event stall outside.I ran out of the gymnasium, and there were no more flowers on the stall, and it was almost closed now.I bought the remaining expensive dried flowers, and I asked the stall owner to make a better package.I hold dried roses and want to go backstage.

But the packaging took too long, and when I went behind the scenes, Tang Fengxing was no longer there.During the run, my shoes scuffed the heel and it hurt.I ran out to make a call, but his phone was turned off.

I lowered my hands and stood under the woods, stepping on the already dirty snow.I looked around helplessly, nothing seemed to go as I expected, I had no plan, I could do whatever I wanted, without any control.

I didn't see Tang Fengxing, so I called to inquire about Wu Huawen. Wu Huawen had just driven out of the school from his dormitory and planned to drink for New Year's Eve, and Tang Fengxing was also in the car.

I said I had something to ask Tang Fengxing, and asked Tang Fengxing to wait for me at the nearby pedestrian bridge.I hung up the phone, ignoring any pain.

When I ran up the overpass, there was a steady stream of traffic underneath, and the street lights were warm.There is no melted snow on the overpass, and the dirty ones are left here. In front of my eyes is the white breath I exhaled. I shyly hide the flowers behind me.

Tang Fengxing was leaning on the railing of the overpass, and when he heard footsteps, he turned around and looked at me with the bright color of street lights in his eyes.

I bent down and panted anxiously and said to him: "I... I watched your performance. I watched it, I saw it. Tang Fengxing, your performance."

He froze for a moment: "I've been looking for you for a long time, I thought you wouldn't come."

I shook my head: "It's too late, I'm behind."

I straightened up and saw that I was buttoning the wrong buttons.I didn't care about embarrassment, I took out the flower on my back and stuffed it directly into his hand: "The performance is very good, it sounds very good, it sounds very good..."

Tang Fengxing hugged the bouquet of dried flowers: "Well, that's it, is it gone?"

I touched the things in my pocket, tossed and turned, and I didn't speak for a long time.

The wind blew back and forth between us, Tang Fengxing waited for me with flowers in his arms, our hair was blown to a mess.I took out the key in my pocket as if I were dead, and said calmly: "Also, I want to say Tang Fengxing, are you willing to live with me forever?"

"Everyone says that love is selfless, but mine is very selfish. I just want you to love me forever. I'm sick, but I rely on you to like me, rely on you, and cling to you."

"I broke down that day and wanted to say don't love, I shouldn't love you, but I don't want to. I don't want to say that to you. It's not fair, it's not fair to you, it's not fair to me. I like you very much, I Why lie and say that I don't love you."

"I think it was very informal when I told you that I like you. I want to be more formal this time. So you are willing...you..." I just lowered my head and didn't dare to look at him, tears just fell on the dirty On the snow, I looked up and saw that I was not the only one crying.

Tang Fengxing just stared at me blankly like that, his two streams of clear tears kept sliding down his cheeks one by one, he opened his mouth slightly, slid his Adam's apple, and exhaled white air.

The street lamps in front of me scattered under the tears, and scattered into a group of golden fireworks, brilliant and gorgeous.

He squatted down with the flower in his arms, and put it in front of his face. I approached him and asked him if he didn't want to.

With a choked voice, he said no, that all this was like a dream, and the person he liked confessed to him.He was very happy. He never dreamed that they could really be together, and he never thought that they would live together.He thought it would be good to be by my side all the time.

What kind of person, how can there be such a person who does not care about rewards?

I pulled him up, put the key into his hand and said, "Okay, it's still outside, a big man, and you said I love to cry, don't you too?"

"But you confessed to me, and it's so formal, I... can't bear it... I'm so happy..."

Tang Fengxing had been secretly in love with me for nearly four years, and I could understand that momentary shock and tears of joy. I pushed him against the railing of the overpass.

On the dim flyover, I grabbed his sweater collar, kissed his soft lips, traced his lip shape with my tongue, bit his upper lip, licked his lower lip, and savagely circled his lips. Tongue, a little tangled.

Feeling his breath, his heartbeat, touching his face, I like all these extremely, no matter how you look at it, it is pleasing to the eye.

My life is bitter but gorgeous. The bitterness in front of me is because of too many entangled past events, and I endure the rot of life alone.

Next to Tang Fengxing's ear, I said with today's cold wind blowing into his ear: "Tang Fengxing, I want to live for you."

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Chen Shuning's perspective recommends playing the song "try"——"What Can I Use to Keep You" by Fu Lu Shou by asermonroe