winter suicide plan

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I couldn't open my eyes, the medicine I took last night made me unable to move, like a vegetable, the body rested, only my soul remained.Consciousness and thinking still exist. I can perceive the surrounding environment and hear the sound of them packing their schoolbags, but with echoes, as if passing through a tunnel. Sometimes I can hear clearly and sometimes I can’t hear clearly. In my dream, the sense of illusion surrounds me .I felt my fingers move, but they didn't. I wanted to get up, but there were countless hands pressing me on the bed, and I couldn't even make a sound.

Zhou Ming, that is, brother Zhou, called me and told me to get up quickly for class, because I was going to be late.I didn't make a sound for a long time, he opened my bed curtain, my eyelids were closed and I still felt the light in front of my eyes, but I couldn't open my eyes.He patted my face: "Chen Shuning, are you okay?"

I used my nose to make a sound of "hmm" to express my reply. Zhou Ming felt that the temperature of his hands was abnormal. He touched my forehead. In a vague way, the quilt was lifted, and something cold was stuffed into my armpit. Next, it will be brought out after a while.

Noisy voices are in my ears.

"38.5°, I have a fever."

"Is this a fever? This is too brittle."

"Okay, don't brag here, I haven't seen how good your physical fitness is, let's help him ask for leave from the counselor."

"Okay, but let him here alone? We don't have any medicine for him either."

"We have to find someone to take care of him. We will start class later. The class of Miejue Shitai must be finished at the end of the semester."

I wanted to open my mouth to speak, but my neck seemed to be strangled and blocked with tape, so I couldn't speak.

I want to say, you go to class, I'm fine.

"I'll go to the counselor first, let the counselor help me first, and take him to the infirmary."

Zhou Ming wrung a towel and put it on my forehead in a dignified way. The cold pleasure made my body wake up a bit, but I was too lazy to struggle.

After they left, they turned off the lights, and after the sound of footsteps after closing the door disappeared, there was no light in front of my eyes, and the thick black contained me tightly inside.

For no reason, my heart gave birth to loneliness, loneliness, fear, anxiety, panic, and heart-piercing entanglement rising from the depths of my heart.

I need to pay the price for my previous manic period. I was pulled out of the raging fire, thrown into the boat crossing the sea, forced to ride through the sweeping waves, and sailed into the endless dark night.

The scorching flame in the heart was invaded by the harsh cold, intertwined and mixed, as if being in a double sky of ice and fire.

It's like I'm tied up in a rocking chair, my body is bound, but my soul is still running away from home, I want to break, destroy, scream, I can't stand the silence right now.

I felt the moisture on my face, and I was crying again. I grabbed the quilt with my hands, and I struggled to sit up from the darkness. My headache was splitting, but I didn't dare to hesitate, and my heart was on fire.The towel fell off my head. I started to put on my clothes. There were five buttons on the clothes. I couldn’t see them clearly. My hands trembled and I tucked them in. But I fastened the buttons for nearly 10 minutes. During this time, I couldn’t stop crying. , Tears almost blurred my vision.

Why did I become like this?

I should be a confident and cheerful person in the eyes of others, who will never admit defeat. Why can't I even buckle my buttons well now?

I kept shouting in my heart, but only tears answered me silently.

I wrapped my clothes in a hurry to get down, I thought I should come down, I should go to class, I shouldn't stay here.

I missed the stairs and fell down. The world seemed to be turned upside down in my head twice. To be precise, my brain was turned upside down twice.

I didn't have the strength to get up, as if the oxygen supply to my brain was insufficient, I couldn't move my limbs, the cold floor made me extremely comfortable, the pain and screaming all over my body made me happy, I had to admit... I was sick.

My tears never stopped from that moment, I started to cry loudly, I had never done this before, I was shaking all over, cold blood flowed in my veins, I was full of disgust for existence.

Decay, decay, corpse, dying, death, these words echoed endlessly in my mind, repeating the images stored in my mind.I wanted to shout, but I had no way of knowing whether I actually shouted, I entered into a kind of illusory mixed confusion consciousness.

I was dragged up by a huge force, someone hugged me into his arms, and he shouted to the counselor with all his strength, save me.I could hear it vaguely, it was not clear, someone was really shouting, shouting out my heart, what I really wanted to shout at that time was—help me.

But I am obviously a person who has been thinking about suicide for four years.

I fell into the black ocean again, feeling drowned, countless gravity pressed on my legs, one rock after another pressed my legs, I felt that my legs had been crushed to bloody flesh, I There was no sound from the shouts, I couldn't move, countless fears, and a sense of death rushed towards me.My body gradually went from rotting to disappearing, and my energy was exhausted, interspersed with brief ecstasy and anxiety.

I sank sharply—I woke up.

My eyes are wide open, I'm not wearing glasses, blurry, refocusing, and from this drab coat, the black earrings next to my ears remind me of this guy, the guy who bought me a box of Huoxiang Zhengqi Water.

Tang Fengxing, why is he here?

I gasped in the hospital bed, lingering fear, anxiety, helplessness gripping my mind and bringing me to tears again.

Why on earth am I like this, it's not normal at all, it's not me at all, why am I still being seen like this by others?

I struggled to get up and couldn't help shouting, the huge voice roared: "Get out! Get out! Don't look at me here!"

Tang Fengxing pressed down my hand which was being given an IV drip. The back of my hand was aching from being stirred by the pillow, and I continued to struggle recklessly.

He hastily suppressed my waving arms, hugged me, stroked my back, and comforted me one by one: "Chen Shuning, it's okay, there's no one else here, don't be afraid, you can tell me anything you need, breathe , pay attention to breathing, that’s right. Don’t be afraid, it’s okay, don’t be afraid.”

"I'm here, call me if you have anything, it's okay."

Is it because of his nice voice, or because of other reasons, the mania in my heart was really suppressed, the roller coaster started to go downhill, I didn't have the strength to move, my mind and body were exhausted and I didn't want to struggle, I didn't have the desire to break free. Leaning on his shoulder, he began to open the gate, tears streaming down his face.

He said in my ear: "Don't cry for too long, cry for 10 minutes, too long will hurt your body."

I know that I am hypocritical and cowardly.

But I still have to admit that the moment I woke up I had the urge to jump off the second floor.

I can't say it, I can only hide it in my heart.

I used to have normal periods of depression and mania, but as time went on, the normal periods became so fleeting that I couldn't catch them again.

Tang Fengxing stroked my back with the same tone as coaxing a child, and turned up the temperature of the "Little Sun" heater next to him. He patted my back and said, "Don't cry so hard, don't hysterically reveal the bottom, Heartbreaking and not good for your health."

During my illness at that time, it was difficult for me to listen to and understand these words. Tang Fengxing took the trouble to tell me several times, and then I slowed down, relieved the current mania, grabbed his hand, and shouted unconsciously: "I want to die .”

I heard him say to me in serious but gentle words: "This is wrong, it cannot be done like this."

But this part of the memory was lost after I woke up. This memory was broken. When I was about to die at a certain moment in the future, I suddenly recalled it.The broken me at that time hugged me in a warm embrace, and I remembered it when I was dying, and I was not cold when I left.

When I woke up, I only remembered that someone took me to the infirmary, but when I woke up again, when my mood was completely calm and there was no fluctuation, Tang Fengxing was no longer there, and I couldn't remember the conversation between us very clearly.

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Chen Shuning's perspective