winter suicide plan

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I still dream a lot, dreaming of sticky black, treacherous and empty places.I was unarmed and tied up in the corridor. In front of me, people in high school uniforms were holding daggers and lined up.The point of the knife pierced my chest, blood was flowing down.

But I can't die, I can't die, the pain is numb.Everyone passing by will smile comfortably, and I can see their expressions when I look down and look up.

The dream started in the middle for no reason. Someone jumped down from the fifth floor. I turned my head and looked over. I couldn't see her face clearly. She was in the exact opposite position to me, a girl student with short hair.

She fell to the ground like light paper.

A gurgling blood-red stream began to flow from the back of her head. Some people were watching, some were shouting, some were laughing...

Suddenly someone jumped down again, from the fourth floor, beside me, as if chasing the falling wind.

Inch-cropped hair swayed past me, he let go of everything, just chasing the downward joy of relief.

The same landing, except that there were countless wounds on his chest, the blue and white high school uniform on his chest was stained with his blood, and the thrown knife gave him a rose-like body.

I can't see the face clearly, I know who he is in the dream.

it's me.

Another... another is...

I woke up with convulsions in my hands and feet, Tang Fengxing was awakened by my movement, he hugged me who was trapped by the nightmare.He looked at the time, touched my head and said, "I only slept for three hours this time, much less than last time."

I sat up and pulled his hand away: "I'm sorry to wake you up, you have something to do tomorrow, you want to sleep."

"What did you dream about?"

I got up to pour water for myself: "It's nothing, I don't remember. Go to sleep first, I'll go for a walk."

I remember, as clear as reality, my hands and feet were cold, trembling, I grabbed the cup and drank it down, unable to suppress the panic in my heart.Tang Fengxing turned over.I put on a coat and was about to go outside when he blocked the door: "I'll listen to whatever you say about my dream."

"It's meaningless to say it, get out of the way."

He can't solve the actual problem, adding to his worries.I pulled his arm hard, and he dragged me away from the door directly by the waist, looking straight at me: "Just say what you want to say."

Tang Fengxing couldn't look directly into his eyes, as if he could see through him, and he couldn't hide any lies or emotions.

I covered the tears that were about to flow with my arms, turned my head, and he turned his ear. I didn't need to look, but I knew he was waiting, waiting for me to tell him.I whispered: "I dreamed..."

"Dream what..."

"I... I jumped off the building..." My lips kept trembling, and tears finally stayed in my hair.Slowly wrapping my arms around me, silently silent, I sobbed silently.

"Tang Fengxing, I jumped. When I jumped down, I didn't hesitate, as if I had confirmed it many times. Like a gust of free wind, I didn't care about anything. Just like that, I lay on the ground and flowed all over the place. The blood... the blood has been flowing, from the chest... from the back of the head."

I repeatedly swallowed the blockage in my throat, and the snot flowed in a mess.He nodded, wiped his eyes and said, "Do you think the same now?"

"My planning manual is still there. He is like a dead me. As long as it exists, I will have such an idea. But existence does not mean that I will implement these plans."

The plan was that 99.9% of suicides could be disguised as death. I set aside 0.1% for the probability of an accident, which is an impossible event.But in the drowning that could take my life in 5 minutes, he did the impossible.

"Chen Shuning, why are you crying?" He let out a heavy breath.

"because of you."

He was stunned, and my tears kept flowing down with my words. I couldn't stop, and I said in a hurry: "I saw you as soon as I opened my eyes, and I can think of how hot your tears were last winter. So much love My person, the person I love so much. I can’t be sorry for him. Even if I am tortured by this disease every day, I can’t sleep or move. There is blood in my dreams, and I am always chased and stabbed into a sieve. question."

"I am not even afraid of death. I have planned for three years. You have seen the detailed plan. Now I am afraid of your tears, and I am afraid that you will hide your heartache every time I get hurt. I am afraid of you. Ignore me, don't talk to me..."

"But I'm not normal, I'm so abnormal, what's the matter, how can I go back to my original life?" I shouted out these questions.

When will there be no knife in the dream, no more darkness, and when will there be flowers and the warmth of the sun?

"Chen Shuning, no need. There are no normal or abnormal people. How this society defines normal people is different for everyone. You don't need it, and I don't need you to do it. You don't need to follow other people's expectations. "Tang Fengxing patted me on the back, and the pleasant voice was in my ears, like the softness of cotton wool, it always reminded me of the music box I kept next to my bed when I was a child.

"If you can't do well today, it's because you can't do this thing well, not because you're not good enough. You can do it. It's just that you haven't done a good job in this matter today."

"But I always hear people scolding me."

"No, no one scolded you." Tang Fengxing stated the matter seriously.

I always hear scolding around me, growing up, it seems that I will always be useless.In Zhu Meiying's mouth, I am a useless son, a shackle that drags down her youth.In the eyes of my father, I am dispensable, I only need goods measured by price...

"They said that I didn't deliberately skip the banquet, it's not that I didn't play games... It's not that I didn't fit in, I was just afraid at that time, afraid of the crowd. But they kept talking about me, saying I was dragging, saying that I was indifferent... I seemed to be always Make mistakes, there is never a single right thing."

"Chen Shuning, no, you are really nice, I like you very much. You have to relearn to evaluate yourself objectively. Well, the energy is over, sleep, poor sleep also affects mood."

It was too late, and in the end, in order to let Tang Fengxing have energy for work tomorrow, he ended the evening chat first.But I couldn't sleep when I lay down, and I began to think about what Tang Fengxing said in the bathroom. The doctor who came back once told me that I had a low self-evaluation.If you don't cooperate with him, you don't like to listen to natural words.

"Why do you think that others don't like you? You are gloomy every day, and you feel that others don't care about you. But people like sunshine and will take the initiative to care about others, right?" The doctor's words were hard, rubbing against my brain like gravel.

Uncomfortably clutching my bag, I whispered to me: "Can't do it."

"There's nothing you can't do." An irrefutable tone.

I didn't bother to refute anything again, so I just shut up and stopped talking.

Faithful words are harmful to the ears and good for deeds, can I really not do it?

Tang Fengxing stayed tenderly with me for a while, touched the finger marks on my neck and said, "I don't really want to see these things appear on your body."

"I try not to." I seem to have found a new way to solve the problem.

To change my own way of thinking, to break my own prejudice against myself.

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Chen Shuning's perspective