winter suicide plan

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I tied a bouquet of lilies with water drops and brilliant sunflowers, and asked the shopkeeper to tie them neatly with a blue ribbon.Just this bouquet took me more than ten minutes than usual.I put on a black hat and mask, took a luxury taxi, and held a bouquet of flowers, full of excitement.

The sun was shining outside, without burning sensation, I rolled down the car window, accompanied by the breeze, the sun passed by my bouquet.

The flowers in the bouquet have a faint fragrance except for lilies, and sunflowers have no fragrance, but they are brilliant in the sun and dazzle my eyes.

I went back to school, holding a bouquet of flowers and passing by countless photoshoots. I turned my body, looked ahead, and came step by step to the meadow that Tang Fengxing told me about.I was hugging the flowers, and the phone in my pocket rang. As soon as I looked up, I saw Tang Fengxing with his back to me. He was wearing a graduation suit, and the sun was blinding his eyes.

I picked up the phone, and through the mask, I said to the phone: "Tang Fengxing, turn around."

He turned around, my eyes were dazzled by his smile, his stunned expression melted away, and his whole body loosened up, like butter melted on toast, with the aroma of whole wheat toast, he smiled softly, his eyes Can't see it.

As soon as he hugged me, I quickly raised my hand, put the flowers behind his head, and whispered in his ear: "It's ok, I squeezed enough flowers, it's 200 yuan."

He immediately let go and rubbed his hands in embarrassment. I pushed the flower to his chest: "It's tacky to give you a rose, so I didn't take it."

"I like any kind of flowers."

We secretly kissed under the cover of the bouquet,

He flipped through it, and found this bouquet of white lilies, golden sunflowers, lake-blue stars, my own combination, all mixed together, like an overturned oil painting plate.

This is also like my life, from the warm lilies to the melancholy blue stars, and finally I met the brilliant golden sunflowers.

Because of taking medicine, I will not adapt to it for a while. In the last semester of my senior year, I worked in a nearby flower shop. Because I didn’t have artistic skills, I only did physical work, moving flower pots, removing flower branches and so on.I can do it, and every time I do it, the sense of accomplishment of getting the job done adds to my existence.

I have a kind, I can be good, I have a future, I can imagine the future, I have been able to heal well, and return to my original life.

But that is only a temporary illusion.

I didn't deal with lilies the first day I came, but lilies are the best seller in the store.

But it was the first time I saw a bunch of lilies in front of my eyes, Wen Duliang patted me, and he picked up one for me.

Before I picked it up, I ran away.Wen Duliang hurriedly chased me back, I ran desperately to the footbridge, and he dragged me back from the main road.

He doesn't know my past, and I don't need to let everyone know about my messy past, everyone is unfortunate, and it's not just you who are struggling in life.

He is the boss, he spends money to hire labor, no matter how gentle he is, I am an employee, I have to work, there is no boss to give way to the employees.He pressed me and asked me to break off the extra branches beside the lily.

If I don't work, he can't keep me.

I said sorry, held back the shaking of my hands, picked up the lily, and tore off the first leaf.

I saw the white lily turn red before my eyes, it cut my finger, it was withering, my finger was stained with blood.I couldn't help shaking, my stomach was cramping and I couldn't help but want to stand up and run away.

I screamed and struggled to get his hand away, but he didn't grab mine.I ducked into the toilet, gasping for breath in the cramped toilet, leaning against the white drainpipe.

I turned on the tap to wash my hands, rubbing my hands, trying to wash away the blood that wasn't there.I heard rustling sounds outside, what Wen Duliang was saying, I heard many voices, and countless pairs of eyes looked at me.Panic was like a cage, I crouched down, my shoe toes were already wet from the low faucet.

I choked my neck, giving myself a feeling of suffocation. The trachea was constricted by the palm, and the air was blocked into the lungs. I raised my head and gasped.I increased the strength in my hand, and my fingers waited for the strength to pass.

The lack of oxygen in the brain made my strength weak. I squatted in the corner and closed my eyes. My mind was dark and I couldn't focus.

I heard a knock on the door outside, and I ignored it.Time passed slowly, and I heard the sound of the lock being unlocked.

"I didn't know that was the case with him."

"fine."

Tang Fengxing patted my head: "Chen Shuning, let's go home."

He picked me up, and I heard him say to Wen Duliang, "I'm sorry for the trouble."

"I shouldn't have forced him either."

I woke up and I started to cry and keep on crying, like I was so worthless all the time, either getting into trouble or letting someone else take care of it for me.I can't always blend in, and I can't handle these things with normal emotions.

My existence is a mistake, like a virus, making everyone's life wrong.

Tang Fengxing put on a hat for me. On the subway, I lowered my head, tears were sucked by the mask.The first thing he did when he got home was to tear off my hat and mask.

At this point, I can't say a word.

He just looked at me: "You can say whatever you want, don't be afraid."

The two of us looked at each other without speaking, I pushed him away and rushed into the toilet, at this time I was stuck in my throat, the silence made me breathless, and the water from the shower hit my face, I failed on the first day of work.

My tears were mixed with the bath water and left in the drain. The sadness that couldn't be washed off my body stuck to my skin and my eyes, and I couldn't get rid of the heaviness.I put my brain against the wall, whether this thing is a heart disease or a brain disease, I hit the wall with my brain.My brain doesn't hurt, my heart hurts.

When I saw Tang Fengxing, my heart ached.

He didn't know why he wanted to see me like this, he couldn't breathe.

How long will it take, how long will it not repeat?

He opened the door with the spare key, turned off the cold water, and hugged me: "Chen Shuning, if you have something to say, just say it, if you feel uncomfortable, say it."

"I can't, I can't, I can't do it. On the first day, only the first day, I can't even accept a lily. I can't do such a simple job well, I just escape. I'm useless , Tang Fengxing, what do you think should be done, what should I do?" I was out of breath from crying, and the problem couldn't be solved.

He pressed me into his arms and didn't speak for a long time.He stroked my back, took off my wet clothes, kissed my lips, stroked gently, to comfort my low mood now, and I wept wearily leaning on his shoulder.

He brought the medicine and asked me to take it first.

He washed my hair and said: "Chen Shuning, you have a bad habit of thinking. It seems that if you fail in something, you will blame yourself for the mistakes, and then according to your logic, you will deny you as a person .This is a problem with self-evaluation, your self-evaluation is too low. The psychiatrist has also mentioned this problem, do you usually pay attention to it?"

After listening to it, I was a little enlightened.I didn't answer anything for a long time, he washed the foam off me, and I didn't speak.

He took the computer to look at the latest schedule. He is currently in the internship period, and he is going to continue his postgraduate entrance examination. In terms of time allocation, I can't waste his time too much.

After all, love is not the whole of life, and I can't take all his free time for granted just because he likes me.He has to have his own job and time to fight for his ideals.

But now when the depression hits and I need someone to be with, I've learned to acknowledge these things.It's fine if you don't talk, hug me, lean on me, and watch me cry.

I followed the medicine, he kissed me, I fell asleep on my own, and I still grabbed his wrist and didn't let go.

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Chen Shuning's perspective