winter suicide plan

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The old woman came towards me with a slightly sloping foot and took the red medicine and cotton swabs. She put them on the table, and unscrewed the lid with trembling hands. I took them quickly: "Thank you mother-in-law, I will do it myself." She nodded and looked at me with a flat expression, her hair was tied up meticulously, fastened with black hairpins.

When the disinfectant touched the wound, the burning sensation spread directly to the cerebral cortex. The pain made the hands tremble, and white foam appeared from the wound on the knee.I gritted my teeth and painted it all over, feeling a dull pain in my chest, I lowered my body and rubbed the bones under the skin.The two of us were speechless, I heard the sound of boiling water from the kitchen, and a smell of hot medicine.

One corner of the phone was broken, but it still works fine.Wen Duliang kept calling me, I scribbled and sent him a message saying: "It's delivered, I'll be back later."

The doorbell outside rang, and there was a knock on the door. The old woman glanced at me, then stood up, and opened the door through the peephole: "What are you here for?"

Liu Shen looked at his mother's serious face, and sighed helplessly: "Mom, happy birthday."

The old woman ignored her and walked in: "What are you ordering flowers for? It's a waste of money. Look, you asked this child to give it to me in a hurry, what happened to it?"

Liu Shen glanced at me, I shrank my head subconsciously, and immediately waved my hands with guilt: "No, this injury, this injury, it's okay, it's okay. My mother-in-law applied the medicine to me, but I didn't deliver it on time, wait Yes, I'll come back later to deliver another good bouquet. I'm sorry."

Liu Shen interrupted me by raising his hand: "It's okay, no need. Mom, just follow me to have a look, Dad, he's really dying."

"I've said it many times, I'm not going."

I heard these family affairs, I shouldn't stay here any longer, I stood up, bowed to them, and timidly rubbed my hands together: "Thank...thank you, then I'll go first."

"Why go, stay here. You go, I don't want to see you." The old woman limped to the kitchen with her hands behind her back, exuding the bookish air of a teacher.Liu Shen sighed, looked at the kitchen for a while, glanced at me, gave me a hard look, and then closed the door and left.And at this moment, I stayed in place stiffly, at a loss, with my fingernails digging into my wrist.Until the old woman came out, holding a plate with sliced ​​cantaloupe.

"You look delicate and smart, why are you standing there like an idiot?"

Only then did my stiff hands and feet move, and I sat down cautiously, holding the water glass she gave me.She pushed me a plate of cantaloupe: "Let's go after eating."

I tentatively stretched out a hand and looked up at her, she nodded with a smile.I seem to have permission to pick up a piece of melon and start eating.She also started to eat with me and started to confide in me.

When the old man reaches a certain age, he will always babble about some things. Before the grandfather died, in front of the bed, he opened the window and looked at the scenery outside with blurred eyes.Ask him what he thinks, and he thinks about everything, thinking about grandma, when grandma was young, when they were in love, when they went out to work hard, when my mother was born, these trivial things are like baskets in the corner of the kitchen covered with moss broken wood for burning fire.

"Esophageal cancer, I'm still waiting for me to die."

"Why don't you go see it?" I couldn't help asking.

The old woman had bad teeth and bit down the cantaloupe, grinding the flesh with her teeth, wiped her mouth with a handkerchief, and resumed her stern expression: "Will you go and watch your lover die with your own eyes?"

I froze, Tang Fengxing's face appeared in front of me, his death?

I never thought about his death, he always gave me a sense of invincibility.But when I thought of the word death appearing on him, my heart was clenched tightly, and the glass shattered in my heart. It was more frightening than every nightmare, and it made my heart palpitate.

So what was Tang Fengxing thinking when I was about to die?

I never went to ask him this question carefully.

The old woman saw my expression and said: "It seems that you are the same as me. I have forgotten how long he has been in love with me, decades, just like that, just like this. I can't look at him in front of me Die, I can accept my own death, but I... can't accept his death."

After speaking, she fell silent, covered her face, and turned her head to look elsewhere.I watched no one eat the melon and the flies settled on it. I grabbed her wrinkled hand and said, "Can you not regret it? Don't you regret that your lover didn't see you at the end, you I couldn't say the last sentence to him, won't you regret seeing the last sentence?"

I said it in one breath, I seemed to be asking her, and I seemed to be asking myself.We cannot escape the final moment when all must come to an end.Death is a program that cannot be deciphered by human beings. It cannot be changed, but can only be controlled by nature. There are flies flying on the melon, and the smell of medicine is stained on my body. Although the pain is endless, I seem to relax.

"Scared, I'm afraid that when I see him die, I can't bear it." She began to think with some cloudy eyes, touching the rim of the water glass.

"There is nothing wrong with any choice, although I am just an outsider, as long as you don't regret it. After all, you are still in love." The truth is that, but it is not easy to accept it in reality.

"Do you have a lover?"

"Yes, he loves me very much, and I also... like him very much." Tang Fengxing's face appeared in my mind, and I laughed unconsciously, with ripples of sadness in my heart.

The atmosphere eased, and the old woman smiled slightly: "Thank you, you are the first person to say happy birthday to me today. It's nice to be young, I miss you."

After chatting for a while at the end, when I was returning, Wen Duliang stood at the door of the store and saw me coming back. I was a little scary wearing red medicine, and wanted to drag me to the hospital for examination.I quickly refused, showing off my body alive and well, and heartlessly showed him the pile of red hairy grandpas in my pocket.He sighed and said, "If it's all right, then don't be late tomorrow."

I checked Tang Fengxing's news, he said that there is a lawsuit to be filed today, he may come back late, don't wait for him.Go to bed quickly after taking the medicine.I looked at the wound on my body, and felt a little numb from the pain.I want to spend the night in the store tonight, even Wen Duliang feels serious, and I don't know how worried Tang Fengxing will be.

The afterglow of the setting sun sprinkled on the footbridge. Although I already had Tang Feng walking by my side, when I was alone, I always thought of death, and my whole body was empty, like an illusory breeze.The sunset in front of me is just a rotten tomato.And when Tang Fengxing was by my side, the only thought was circling in my mind, to live, to live no matter what.Looking at Tang Fengxing's gentle smile under the sunset, the eyes that are always closed when kissing, the clearly visible eyelashes, and the beating heartbeat, it always reminds me that life is everything, and everything is real.

I went to the supermarket once. Since my illness got worse for a while, except for Tang Fengxing who took me there, I almost never set foot in crowded places.I want to cook him dinner and have him come home warm and it can't always be that I'm receiving his love.I put on a mask and a hat. The mask hurt the wound on my face, but I didn't want to be seen. I was afraid that I would be found abnormal. I only exposed my eyes to look around, took a deep breath, and walked into the vegetable area.

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Chen Shuning's perspective