winter suicide plan

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*2016.11.27-1°The weather is cloudy and gray*

Today is the 1183 day of my crush on Chen Shuning.

I didn't know if Chen Shuning would drink the medicine I bought for him early in the morning, even if he didn't drink it, I wouldn't think about it.

Forget it, I will think.

Not sad is definitely false, uncomfortable must be true.

Shuning Chen, Shuning Chen, Shuning Chen, Shuning Chen...

Don't kill yourself, okay...

It's no use thinking about it.

I originally thought that I would have a class with Chen Shuning today, and I could sit with him. I had no selfish intentions. I just wanted to see how he was feeling, and see if he felt uncomfortable when he scolded me yesterday. Let's sit together.

But the reason is so, the body is still very honest, I looked at the people who entered the class, but I waited a while, Zhao Jun and his dormitory were all here, I didn't see Chen Shuning, I asked around, Chen Shuning didn't come?

Zhao Jun took out his notebook and put his mobile phone into the belly of the table. Zhou Ming sat down beside him and said, "I think it was because of the cold wind blowing yesterday, and his appetite has not been good these days. Now he has a fever. I didn’t see the counselor, I’ve already dd him on WeChat, I should go there later. I don’t know if I can watch it... Damn, Tang Fengxing, why are you crazy.”

I stood up from the chair all of a sudden, scaring the two brothers, I was embarrassed to say sorry, my bladder was about to explode when I went to the toilet.They stood up and asked me, and I ran out quickly.

When Mrs. Pan saw me running outside, she didn't grab me. She used the Hedong lion roar that didn't meet my age to start class. I couldn't control so much where I went, so she hurriedly said, "I'll be back soon, teacher. Let me order first, thank you teacher."

I gasped and went straight to Chen Shuning's dormitory. When I heard it, I panicked and had a fever. I was still alone in the dormitory. I felt uncomfortable when I heard it. I was even more flustered when I heard that it was Chen Shuning.

Now the dormitory building is quiet and quiet. When I went up to the third floor, I heard voices, the muffled landing, the sound of flesh colliding with hard objects, followed by heart-piercing shouts, which scared me out of my mind. He knocked on the door, but fortunately the door was not closed, probably because he was waiting for the counselor to come over.

I saw the counselor approaching from the opposite side, and I held my breath when I saw the scene in front of me in a blink of an eye. In the dark, Chen Shuning's hysterical shouts were like arrows from the string. I was stabbed in pain, and I pulled him up. Holding her in my arms, I panicked myself, I've never seen Chen Shuning like this.

To be honest, Chen Shuning was wearing a few sweaters, and the heavy coat on his body was very slippery. I tried to carry him out, but he also struggled. I was afraid that I would not be able to hold him firmly. It's really no different from a child. I wiped his tears and felt his face was hot and his hands were hot.

I called Chen Shuning a few words, but he couldn't hear at all, and his eyes didn't open, he kept struggling and crying, as if he was trapped in a quagmire of hysteria and couldn't wake up.

I anxiously raised my voice and shouted for help, no matter who it was, I had to take him to get rid of the fever first, and my face was burning red.

When he arrived at the school doctor's place, Chen Shuning seemed to smell the smell of alcohol and fell silent on the bed.He struggled so hard just now, sweated a little, and lowered his temperature a little.The school doctor stopped crying when he gave him the needle, and the sudden silence made me recover from the confusion and anxiety just now.

After looking carefully, I saw that Chen Shuning's coat had been buttoned wrongly, so I tried to help him take off this uncomfortable coat, which looked tiring.

His forehead should have been hit by a fall, and it was blue on the forehead. He didn't sleep well, his hands would move slightly, and he muttered some nonsense, which I didn't understand. It was like elf language. I wanted to wipe him Some alcohol will cool down faster.

I grabbed the alcohol and said a few words: "I don't have any extravagant thoughts, I just want to reduce your fever."

Then I lifted the sweater on his arm with peace of mind, and all I saw were scars, some new and some old, which made my eyes hurt and blurred from the pain.

I stroked it lightly with my fingers, and there were obviously two new cuts on my arm, which made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know if he really minds my scars.

Usually, when he was a spokesperson at school, he was full of vigor, wearing a neat shirt and standing on the stage, eye-catching and brilliant.

But I have to wear long-sleeved shirts in summer. Every time I look at it strangely, but I don’t dare to ask. Maybe I’ll ask if it’s going to be like this.

Now I regret that I was cowardly at the time, but it doesn't help.

After I applied alcohol to him, I helped him roll back his sleeves, and then pushed back the sweater on his stomach, looked at the air in front of him, stretched the towel inside, and thought in my heart, form is emptiness, emptiness is form, Namo Amitabha, I have no shame Think, no obscenity.

I felt the breath in my chest and the ups and downs of my stomach. I looked at his face quietly. I pretended to wipe his front normally, then his back, and his back. He became unsteady and began to whimper.

He grabbed the sheet, opened his eyes, and called my name.My heart was suddenly confused by this sentence "Tang Fengxing." It was so stupid.

I haven't figured out what to say when he opened his eyes. I grabbed the towel and didn't know what to do. Looking at his vigilant and surprised eyes, he scolded me right away. I pushed it away, and the infusion tube obviously returned blood, and the blood seeped out. I was so scared that I hugged him subconsciously, pressed his hand, and cried heartbreakingly again. I quickly learned the comfort method of asking online, I said that I'm here, I'll be fine, and I repeated it several times, so he should be quiet.

But the cry seemed to spit out all the filth in the body.The school doctor wanted to see what was going on. He opened the white curtain and looked at the blood vessels returning to him. My hands were also stained with a little blood. The doctor re-punctured the needle and tied up the small wooden board for him.

Ask me what's going on.I signaled that it was fine, but I had a fever and was sick and had nightmares, and the nightmares were gone, and it will be fine later.

The school doctor nodded, and after leaving, Chen Shuning grabbed my finger.

What I thought at the time was that Chen Shuning was intertwined with me!It's hooked up!deducted!I'm not a human being, and I'm actually thinking about this at this moment!

I'm not human!

He leaned against my neck, and smelled the laundry detergent coming out of his neck with his body temperature smell, it smelled very good and warm, it tickled my heart, and my heart beat to death.

Chen Shuning, why is Chen Shuning clasping my hand? I have to rely on you to let my imagination run wild.

He was still crying, and I stroked his back to comfort him, saying don't cry so hard, tossing and turning, I said I was always here.He finally understood something, stopped slowly, and eased his breathing.

But he was hot and red, his face was still stained with tears, and his nose and tears were rubbing against my left cheek, so I didn't dislike him at all.

I waited for four years, and I actually waited for intimate contact.

I'm sorry, Chen Shuning, I took advantage of you.

What he said in the next second was thunder, he threw a bomb at me, he said he wanted to die.

I was extremely upset, but I still said in a light tone that he was wrong, that this cannot be done.

He didn't speak, whimpered for a while, and then there was no sound. He thought he fell asleep again, and the clasped hands loosened. I was a little nostalgic. The fingers were slender and the joints were obvious. I rubbed my middle finger and my ring finger had a callus.

Born a little ambiguous.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be delusional!

I didn't want to get out of it, so I hugged it for a while and said in my heart, Chen Shuning, you scared me.I found an excuse to comfort myself, anyway, I was going upstairs and rubbing alcohol, so I just hugged it, it's not too much.

It was almost too late, so I put him down and tucked him in.

I was sitting next to Chen Shuning's hospital bed, the white gauze curtains were blown up and floating by the cold wind from the gap in the window.

He breathed quietly and slowly, the redness on his face faded and turned white, I looked at my hands stained with his blood, it was horrifying.

Today I have two classes, I can't not go back, if I don't go back, I will be slaughtered sooner or later.

I left the umbrella, told the school doctor, and left feeling uneasy.

I am afraid that he will be haunted by a nightmare, and no one will say that I am here to accompany you all the time.

I definitely felt that he needed company.

I saw him come back at noon, putting on the unbuttoned overcoat, the black turtleneck sweater, against which his face was pale.

He came to see me, I am very happy, he never came to my dormitory.

Wu Huawen was obviously making fun of me, I have been happy for a month with Chen Shuning looking for me, and I am too lazy to argue with him.I took porridge and wanted to give it to him, but found that he didn't remember going to the infirmary after falling down in the dormitory. He didn't remember anything I said or what he said.

I don’t think it’s okay if I don’t remember it, but I’m sad if I remember it, but my heart is sour, who squeezes the lemon juice in my heart?

I didn't change my face, I lied directly, and he didn't doubt me. At that time, I wanted to give myself a best actor award.

He scolded me again, scolding so fast, I think he looks good when scolding others, at least there is some blood on his face, am I sick...

His language is a bit confusing, but with a confident tone that he speaks clearly, I have read books about bipolar disorder these days. Although it is a bit difficult to understand, I can tell from Chen Shuning's behavior that he is currently in a mixed state of mania and depression. , this state is the most dangerous.

But he didn't let me take a step closer, and I didn't dare to approach without authorization. In case someone closed the door and I didn't see him in the future, how could I save him.

He still took my porridge, but paid for it.I saw that he smiled reluctantly, and I wanted to say that it's okay not to smile at him, but I didn't dare to say it out, in his eyes... I'm still a stranger.

He's going to implement plan b in two days, but I haven't even found out the place where he committed suicide!

I usually don’t use my brain when watching suspense movies, but now it’s as if I haven’t applied oil, and I can’t turn my brain.

I looked at that picture for a long time... Where are the bridge and the river if they are nearby?

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Tang Fengxing's diary perspective diary written before the dormitory dinner