winter suicide plan

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I looked at my messy desk, and suddenly remembered that the person who picked it up before had a crush on the notebook. Both of our notebooks are black belt buckles. So far, the owner has not found a lost and found, and no one broadcasts at the radio station at noon.

I thought about it, and yes, this secret love book really has to be hidden.

My heart was as calm as stagnant water, and I was extremely bored. I stared at it for three seconds, thinking that that person must have read my book, out of emotion and reason. So I frankly opened the button.

All the people who have been crushed are replaced by "csn", and I am also panicking now.I don't want to write a word of the homework in front of me.In the chaotic cold, everyone went to sleep, and I was the only one who was still sitting on the bed in a daze, flipping through the pages of the book with stiff fingers, and had to turn slowly, lifting the page turner at a speed of 1cm per second. Noisy.

The word rules are neat and tidy, and the content is worth seeing.This is not the only notebook, from the 918th day of the crush to the 1181st day, half of the pages were written.

It should be only girls who are willing to write things like diaries, but looking at the handwriting, I look familiar, I have seen it before, but my brain freezes in winter, and I can’t connect to the 2G network, so I can find this girl without brain cells. .

The content is really interesting. I played it from the beginning, just to record trivial things every day. The protagonist seems to be very happy to express his feelings when he sees someone he likes.

I read this page and paused.

>Today is the 1280th day of csn crush.

> I saw him, he was in the debate and I was down there.It was very hot today, he was wearing very simple clothes, but in summer he was still wearing a long-sleeved white shirt, but I thought it was clean and tidy, just like his speech every time he debated, without sloppy, articulate, with a knife hidden in the cotton.I like to listen to his debate every time, and I feel a sense of awakening.

>The topic of this junior debate is "Whether the family of origin will really leave behind an indelible shadow in the child's life." He is the opposite side, and he needs to stand on the point of "no".But during his rounds, I don't know why I remember his words so clearly, maybe it's because of his clenched fists, and the sweat on his back that's completely soaked.

> He said that the original family refers to the family where the first child is still a new family and lives with their parents.These behaviors may have been experienced by everyone more or less.

>Why can my younger brother have a beautiful room, and my parents pick me up from school, but I have to go home alone from the alley?

>Why can’t I go to university as a girl, my parents think it’s a waste of money, but they are willing to spend money to let my brother go to a private university after the college entrance examination?

>Why am I a child of my parents, but I always seem to be left out?

> Or parents always scold themselves for being disobedient and not following their requirements?

> Questions such as these, when he usually speaks out, he is clear and clear like the cool breeze in summer, but I think he lacks confidence this time. Is he recalling something?

>According to the current general trend, Zhengfang has an absolute advantage, and there are many starting angles.But the opposite side cuts into the angle, not good enough.

>He started to talk about his trauma and impairments in the amygdala and hippocampus that can already exist in childhood, those stubborn, sad, unresolved traumas that cannot be changed in the family of origin.But time will dilute and heal these existing scars, leaving the original family and entering the new family, the change lies here.These traumatic obstacles left at the factory will shape our resilience and courage, face these scars correctly, dare to admit, give us to face future setbacks, things we have never had, and the future will use our own efforts to get rid of, break free from such Dilemma... to embrace the splendid universe we long for.

>The momentum is huge, the voice is solemn and sound, idealism and romanticism parallel reasoning.

> Later he cited many examples, both Chinese and foreign, all of which illustrate the upward spirit given by the native family and other such arguments, but I think his debate this time is his most reluctant one.

> No matter how unfavorable the view before, it can turn against the wind, but this time it seems that the ship has capsized substantially in the gutter.

> I saw the rise and fall of his chest and the red clenched fists behind his back.My heart was inexplicably blocked, not for myself, but for him.He did not agree with this view, but insisted on agreeing with it.

> When he talked about the example, his face was terribly pale, and he didn’t know if it was because of heat stroke. At the end, when he was about to accept the next set of rebuttals, he clenched his clothes in front of his heart, knelt down, and fell down. .

>When the crowd was noisy, I watched him fall silently. At that moment, my mind echoed his voice in the debate competition when he first came to freshman, playing the picture of him in high spirits, and said to the other side: " This is just a friendly match, and this point of view is obviously not in our favor, why are you so serious and aggressive?"

> He answered in front of the stage, his voice was not low but he seemed to read his revered belief: "The purpose of the game is to win or lose, and to have answers to questions. No matter which side you are on, you have to put yourself in this position. Think earnestly and earnestly from your point of view, and then answer earnestly.”

> "Whether you really agree with this point of view psychologically, physically or morally, the problem always has two sides. Seeking truth and truth, speaking with examples and reasoning, not just generating emotions through 'discernment', personal emotions should not be used as a guide, because There must be "debate", and the words need to be rigorous and precise."

> "My principles are 'truth' and 'cutting'. What I recognize is reason, not emotion. You must accept your own position without personal emotions. Comfort makes excuses."

> "If you feel that your position does not conform to the mainstream you see, and you have no angle to cut in, you feel it is unfair. Those who are sued will always stand at an unfavorable angle. As a professional, when you are hired, Will you give up fighting for the rights that the client makes you do because it is not in the favorable range? There is no friendship in debate, there are only gunpowder and gunshots intertwined, you must be vigilant and serious, it is not a child's play , there is an opportunity to give way.”

> The words were stinging, ironic that they acted like children on the verge of losing.

>The person on the opposite side saw that he couldn’t talk to him, and they were arguing to start a fight, pointing to his nose and saying, “Just wait, remember what you said now, and see what you will say next time when you get this kind of disadvantage, See if you can live up to the guidelines you're talking about now.

> He finally smiled and said arrogantly, you are not worthy to compare with me now, your level makes me really hungry.

> Loud sound coming out of the microphone, into my ears, tugging at my heartbeat.

> But this time his fall made me feel that his faith also fell this time.

I read this far, and inadvertently, I crumpled up the page.I said it, these words were said by me once.Childish and ridiculous, ignorant of the heights of the sky and the earth.I can't do this at all by pretending to be a gentleman.

What a fucking irony.

I wiped it twice, then closed the book, smiled, it was so funny, I couldn't help laughing, and was scolded by Zhao Jun not to make noise.I responded, and lay down on the quilt exhaustedly.

Do I still have times like this?

How can I not remember.

I saw me in this man's eyes in his eyes, obviously full of arrogance, arrogant, fierce, ruthless, and aggressive.

What's so good about this, what a fart.

Looking at these words now, I don’t remember what I was like when I was a freshman, I can’t remember.After I read it, I felt tight in my chest and panicked, as if I was stuck in a pipe. No one could say anything. Now I just want to jump up and scold this person. I have a crush on him.

I cover my head with the blanket and enjoy this moment of suffocation, my body is frozen stiff and uncomfortable, I don't have that kind of glory, I don't have a moment of glory, now only rusty parts are left, and now the body and mind are dead, I couldn't identify the crush in that crush notebook as me.

I'm not that good, I can feel my heart beating faster, and the sound of panting gradually increased. Now I am angry and uncomfortable, weaving a huge net to cover my mouth and nose, and I can't breathe more and more. I grabbed my arm and pinched it in with my nails, but I couldn't relieve the emptiness in my heart. It was so incomplete that it grabbed my heart.I dug out the pocket knife hidden under the pillow, and lifted the sweater off my arm.

Why do you see through me, see through my thoughts at that time!

I smelled the smell of blood, half of the mania subsided in my heart, I wiped the blade with a cold face, put it back under my pillow, closed my eyes, smelling the smell of blood, I gradually became sleepy.

Waking up again in a daze, there was no one in the dormitory, and there was no class in the afternoon, so they should go out to play in twos and threes.

I put down the sleeves of the sweater, and the place where the needle was stuck was still a little bruised, I rubbed it, got out of bed, my feet were a little drifting, I put on my coat, thinking about the pictures in the plan, I plan to go and have a look.

As soon as I stepped out of the door, there was a sunset outside, but in my eyes, it was no different from a cloud of smoke and gray dust. I turned my head annoyed, and saw Tang Fengxing who happened to be out of the house. My neck said, I will play a basketball game with your dormitory in 10 minutes, won't you participate?

I didn't even think about shaking my head, Tang Fengxing let go of my shoulders with a little disappointment, and asked again if I really didn't want to participate?

I saw him clutching the shoulder strap of his schoolbag, with a look of anticipation on his face. I couldn't bear it, but the painful wound reminded me of something.

Don't have any more ties, no more connections.

When I was struggling, he directly clasped my neck vigorously, pulled me affectionately and said, let's go, I have a cold and fever, I have to go out to get some air, don't stay in the dormitory all the time, the dormitory is not ventilated, and there are more viruses and bacteria.

I don't want to argue with him about his unreasonable reasoning. He was forced to arrive at the venue. Tang Fengxing, who ruined my plan, still looked at me with a smile on his face, bent down and said sorry to me sitting in the audience, I forgot, you have a fever today , you should risk your life to accompany the gentleman and watch the game.I'll treat you to dinner later.

I said no, he said he must, I was tired of talking, he said whatever he liked.It's just watching a basketball game, and it doesn't take much time to go to the spot.He was wearing a basketball jersey, and his strong forearms were exposed under the clothes. Maybe it was my too hot gaze that caught his attention.

He waved at me and asked me to help him with his coat and schoolbag, but I didn't answer and didn't take them.I threw it aside, but he didn't get angry, and smiled and said, let those gangs watch.

I stared straight at him and said coldly, don't look.

He has already started to prepare for exercise.

At the end of a basketball game, apart from being overwhelmed by the cheering cheers of a group of cheerleaders, I saw Tang Fengxing, with smooth dribbling and strong jumping ability, and I saw his looming abdominal muscles when he shot in the last second of the game.

I pinched the sagging flesh of my stomach, why is there such a big difference between men.

I thought about it and became angry, okay, so I came to despise his figure and show off my figure, Tang Fengxing.

I got angry and stood up in an instant, stood up directly and prepared to leave.After a match, Tang Fengxing grabbed my coat and hat and said out of breath, didn't you promise to help me watch?

I said, I didn't promise to help you see it.

He insisted on cheating, saying that I agreed to him.

I was too lazy to watch him messing around with me. I dodged his hand that was about to grab my neck again, and knocked him away with my elbow. Zhou Ming, sweating all over his head, grabbed me and said, what happened to me after playing basketball? Sample?Brother Zhou, I have a treat today.

Tang Fengxing agreed immediately, pulling me and saying to go together.

I shook my head and said, I just got a fever today, so I don't really want to go.

Zhou Ming said, going out and drinking some wine to drive away the cold is better than any panacea.They even gagged me about not attending the birthday party last time.

I had no choice but to nod and agree. I didn't want to spoil the mood of the group, so I quickly pretended to ignite my enthusiasm and said to rush to grab a seat.

Tang Fengxing ruined all the plans to step on the spot today. I walked slowly to the back and walked side by side with Tang Fengxing. When he came closer, I immediately slammed him hard. I just stepped on him, he looked at me in surprise, I smiled back and called him an idiot.

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Chen Shuning's perspective