winter suicide plan

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Chen Shuning's perspective

"Chen Shuning, what's wrong with you? Breathe! Breathe! Chen Shuning!" Tang Fengxing shouted anxiously holding my head.

I heard it, but I couldn't do it. A huge wooden board was placed across my chest, blocking the circulation of the upper and lower breaths, and I was so tense that I couldn't breathe smoothly.I grabbed the skirt of my chest and grabbed a piece fiercely, the floor twisted and pressed towards me.In a whirlwind, I was slapped on the cheek by Tang Fengxing, who anxiously called me to breathe, and a few people surrounded me, twittering and yelling, I looked at him numbly, and reached out to grab the clothes on his chest to support myself.

His legs and feet were weak, and he knelt down slowly, stretched out his trembling hand, and then retracted it. Tang Fengxing grabbed my hand and placed it at the position of his heart. The heartbeat came from the palm of his hand. The agitation, the breathing of the chest seems to be transmitted, and my breathing seems to be corrected a little along with his breathing.

"It's okay, Shu Ning, it's okay, no one will blame you, don't be nervous and afraid, I'm here, look at me, breathe with me, yes, breathe."

The brain was severely hypoxic, and the eyes closed uncontrollably. Tang Fengxing's anxious eyes made me want to adjust quickly. Listening to his words, I blamed myself even more. Those pairs resembled Tang Fengxing, but they didn't exist. The same tender eyes swayed in my mind, piercing my heart like a sharp arrow.If there is no me, this meal should be enjoyable, but there will be no such mistakes.I feel that the pain I am suffering now is what I should bear, and it is the punishment I should bear for breaking into an ordinary and happy family.

My breathing was slowly recovering, but there was a mass of darkness in front of my eyes. Tang Fengxing picked me up, shook me, and I lost consciousness.In an instant, a pressure heavier than mine pulls me down, everything is collapsing and falling, overlapping screen phantoms, sometimes I hear Tang Fengxing's voice, but sometimes I can only hear the voice in the broken memories of the past, Burns my will.

......

"Take the money and get out, don't let me see you again."

"Son, don't contact me in the future, just pretend that I don't have my father."

"Why are you back again? You don't have to go home."

"Don't touch me, don't touch me! Get out!"

"How can you not hurt Tang Fengxing with your appearance..."

......

I don't know what a family is like. I thought that being with Tang Fengxing would give him a family, but seeing his parents and sister is different.I have never seen what a happy family looks like. I don’t have a template to learn from. I can’t give Tang Fengxing such a fulfilling happiness. I am a type of person who is incomplete and eliminated in modern society. A family with both integrity cannot give an explanation to his parents.

I shouldn't, I shouldn't have come, obviously I'm the last person who shouldn't appear in front of them.Repeated pulling, suffocation followed, I screamed in the collapsed ruins, my legs were firmly pressed by invisible stones, one after another, no matter how hard I struggled, it was in vain.

There are more and more stones, and the vitality seems to be losing a little bit from the toes.Suddenly, all the dim viewing angles are collapsing, and the sound is getting closer.

"Chen Shuning, Chen Shuning..."

I was woken up by the call of my name. The moment I opened my eyes, it was Tang Fengxing's red eye sockets and tears that were about to fall.I scared him again, he held my hand tightly, and warm tears touched the back of my hand.I slowed down, sat up slowly, and he hugged me.I hugged his back, smelling the familiar sandalwood and slight tobacco smell, feeling inexplicably at ease, like the only place I could occupy in a strange environment.

He whispered how scary I was, if I hadn't recovered my breathing, it would have been too late to be sent to the hospital, which is far away.

I opened my mouth and wanted to speak, but my emotions were too tense, my vocal cords were clenched together, and it was difficult to speak. I whimpered for a while, and became more panicked about my inability to speak.

He also didn't expect me to reach this level, he stroked my back in a low voice and said, "I didn't expect you to be so scared. It's because I didn't think carefully, and I was anxious to bring you along."

I lay on his shoulders, trying to hold back the sadness that came from depression like a flood of beasts, my heart was crushed to pieces, I couldn't help panting low, and let out the sound of struggling and enduring.

"Are you very sad?"

I could have endured it, but Tang Fengxing's soft inquiry gave me a reason to cry, as if the gate had been opened, and the pain was in the bitter tears.In a short period of time, I denied all of myself, which is an alternative self-comforting mode invented by myself, that is, self-deprecating myself.

"Relax, Ning Zi, don't think about it now, it's okay, don't think about those things, people here won't blame you, you didn't make any mistakes, don't let the crime you created to punish yourself again." Tang Fengxing He patted my back like comforting a baby and said.

I clenched the clothes behind him and changed various poses, as if none of the poses were close enough, trying to fit myself into him completely.

I hope we are the best fit of the two puzzle pieces.

I stayed with him in the room for a while, and he wiped away my tears, let me take medicine, and adjusted my condition. When I got out of bed, the soles of my feet were a little floating, and I didn’t feel real.I first apologize to his parents for scaring them.The explanation was that he fainted due to low blood sugar because he was afraid of motion sickness and didn't eat anything.

When Tang Fengxing's mother heard that she made me a cup of glucose and put a lot of vegetables in my bowl, I tried my best to express my thanks with a smile, but after thinking about it, I decided to forget it, it was too ugly.The bowl was filled with more and more dishes, and the smell of peanut oil made my stomach sick, but I didn't want to cause unpleasantness.

Tang Fengxing secretly put his bowl under the table near me and ate some of the vegetables in my bowl.But he was discovered all at once, and he pushed the boat along the way and told his mother not to bring me any more food, and if I wanted to eat, I would bring it myself.I kept saying thank you, but motion sickness didn't make my appetite so good.Tang Fengxing's father took out his homemade shochu and asked me to drink a couple of sips to appetize. I shook my head. I just took medicine, and drinking is killing myself.

Tang Fengxing quickly said that I don't know how to drink.His father snorted, how could he not know how to drink, then drink with me.Tang Fengxing smiled, picked up the wine glass and drank it for me.

I didn't dare to look Tang Mengru in the eyes, and I didn't have the strength to participate in the chat, so I tried to finish all the dishes in the bowl.Tang Fengxing advised me not to eat it if I couldn't eat it, but I felt that it was very impolite. After I finished eating everything, I praised this dish as delicious and tasted like home.But my stomach was already churning.When Tang Fengxing went to wash the dishes, I went to the private bathroom of his room. As soon as I entered, I stretched the toilet and vomited. Eating at the same table with strangers always reminded me of the family dinner table I stayed at before. Enduring the greasy swallowing, there is always a vague smell of blood on the tip of the nose.I tried not to leak my voice to be heard, throwing up my eyes.

Someone was knocking on the door outside, I took a quick breath, washed away the dirt, and opened the door.I washed my face with ice-cold water, and my swollen mind cleared up a bit. The medicine just now was not digested much, so I spit it out.Tang Fengxing supported me, put me on the bed, stroked my forehead, and said in a reproachful tone, "Even though I knew I would vomit."

I said softly in a breathy voice: "It doesn't matter, I will feel even worse if I don't eat it, and I won't be able to taste the good food cooked by your mother if I wasted it."

"What can I do if I can't eat, Ah Ning, there are banquets these days and I can't leave. I will take you to the town tomorrow to get some glucose. If this continues, you will really faint from hypoglycemia."

He covered me with the quilt, and I drowsily grabbed the corner of his clothes with my fingers: "I'm so tired."

"I'll take you back after the new year, go to sleep."

The bed was not hot, and I was so cold that I curled up into a ball. Tang Fengxing called me when I was half asleep and half awake, stuffed me with a warm water bag, and wiped away the tears I shed in my sleep with a tissue.I said I had a headache and couldn't sleep.He squeezed in, let me eat half a Snox, sang to me in a low voice, and hugged me warmly, warming my chest.Perhaps Tang Fengxing told his parents that I was mentally ill, as if someone had come to see me, but in my memory, there were only clusters of dark shadows shaking, I couldn't hear anything clearly, and my hoarseness was like a semiconductor radio, which made people feel uneasy. .

I stayed in the room exhausted, taking medicine, sleeping, taking medicine, and sleeping again, like a dead meat.At first I was able to eat porridge, but after one night I didn't even want to see the food, and I vomited immediately after eating it.

The soul and the body are being separated. People live in a glass jar. They can't get out, can't breathe, and are separated from the world by a layer of glass.

Tang Fengxing always came to the room to hug me when he was free, but I didn't respond, I didn't want him to see my face buried like this, my thoughts froze as the temperature dropped.

He left for a whole day to help his parents with the banquet. The sun shone brightly into my eyes. It should be a long-lost good weather.I left the heavy quilt, pushed open the window above the bay window, and ignorantly sat on the railing slowly, looking at the bare tree branches, the blue sky among the clouds is still cold and white, so blue that black.Only then did I realize that the sun of the living cannot shine on the dead.The cold wind poured in from the window, but I seemed to be deaf, unable to hear the wind, I just watched like that, watching the flocks of wild geese black spots move slowly, and I also slowly moved out.

The sky finally turned from pale to dark, and there were a few bloodstains on my hands, which were pinched by fingers. My waist was pulled, and I fell into the quilt again.

"Chen Shuning, what are you doing! What are you doing sitting on the window?" Tang Fengxing grabbed my collar.

I spit it out numbly and without emotion: "Sun, Tai, Yang."

"Do you know that you just leaned forward a little bit, and you're going down."

I hugged him stiffly, breathed the heat from his body and said, "The sun is back, I don't have to sit there anymore."

Tang Fengxing circled me vigorously, rubbing my face back and forth, and his arm was strangled.

"I really can't help you."

"I didn't mean that, really, I promised you."

I made blood and pain with my fingernails to prevent myself from being so sad that I wanted to commit suicide. He flicked my forehead as a punishment: "I don't have to visit relatives anymore, let's go out to the hot spring to play."

"Ah."

Blowing the cold wind for nearly an afternoon, I was so glorious that I had a fever, and the trip to the hot springs was put on hold for a few days.

I hardly ever went downstairs to see anyone. When I left, I looked in the mirror and my face was not very good. I put on a mask and said sorry to them for disturbing me. I thought I should leave first.My sickly appearance is very different from the New Year, and I don't want to hinder everyone from having a good New Year.Originally, it was a happy new year, but Tang Fengxing had to worry about me even more.

Tang Fengxing's mother was very hospitable and said that it would not be too late to go back after soaking in the hot spring together. Tang Fengxing wanted me to go out to have fun and change my mood.I couldn't beat them, so I agreed.

Booked a hot spring hotel, each double room has a hot spring pool.Tang Fengxing dragged me into the pool of the hotel freshly. The water in the pool was boiling hot. Taking a bath made my whole body stretch, which seemed to be really beneficial.He hugged me and kissed me for a long time, his knees and ankles were red, and he looked a little erotic under the dim warm lamp, but I could only crawl softly on his chest, without inserting, only rubbing gently, briefly Let off steam.What he said was untrue, the water was too hot, the place was airtight, I was gradually exhausted, sore and tired like a feather floating, and I was so deprived of oxygen that I closed my eyes and passed out.

The dizziness took me into a dream, and the dream in the dream was so real that I was there.

I've also broken into other people's homes.After my mother committed suicide, I didn't leave. I did as usual. I ate the food and cleaned up the house. I slept with her in this room overnight. Then the body stinks, and the neighbor called the police.It wasn't until I really woke up that she was really gone.

I was homeless and was taken to a counseling room for a few days, I was sent away without saying a word.After the rental house was cleaned up, it was difficult for me to stay in that rental house and look directly at the red-stained wallpaper.When I see it, I get nauseous and I can't eat normally.I put my schoolbag on my back and wanted to find my father who had been away for two years. I had a naive fantasy that he would accept me and give me a place to sleep while I bleed half of his blood.He still had the same tacit understanding of behavior with my mother, let me stand at the door all day, he finally let me in, but he already had another woman in the house, and a one-year-old baby.

I was a sudden intruder, the hostess' eyes always gouged out the flesh on my skin, I was afraid of him from the bottom of my heart, and tried my best to bury my sense of existence.She will only show tender eyes on the baby in her arms.My father became less vocal than before. My grades in the first grade of junior high school were not bad. He talked to me more and more, but what followed was the disgust of the mistress of the house that permeated the air.

During his business trip, he secretly sent me money, but was quickly discovered by the hostess.She quarreled with her father for many days.

I am the poison that infiltrates into warm and sweet families. My existence will only break each family one by one. Maybe I am really the misfortune that came from the mouth of my mother.

Many days have passed since the quarrel. It was a sunny day, and I was given preferential treatment to eat at a place I had never been to. It was said to be a reward for my good grades in the first semester of junior high school.For the first time, I was happy with my good grades, not because of the expensive food, but because they accepted me, as if they were eating with me like a family.

I ate a lot, and they didn't move their chopsticks, they just picked them up for me.My stomach couldn't take it anymore and I went to the bathroom to spit out some. Although it was painful, I wish we could sit longer.

When I came back, there was only food left on the table, and there was no sign of them. I knew they didn’t want me anymore, and I knew all the facts, but I still took the bus back to the house with the only money in my schoolbag.

It was a beautiful, expensive house, with a beautiful picture window in the living room that opened up a three-step cobblestone staircase to the well-tended lawn.I watched from a distance, the three of them were sitting, the father was happily feeding the baby next to him, and the hostess poured wine for my father, as if I had never appeared in this place.

Unwilling, I stood outside for a long time, waiting for them to finish their meal.I kept ringing the doorbell outside, why, I would rather not have a reward, I blamed myself for going to the toilet.If I hadn't gone to the toilet, they wouldn't have had a chance to dump me.

It seems to be shameless, but why only I... can't have a home, why...

I rang the doorbell for a long time, but they didn't open the door for me.I slept in McDonald's for one night with my schoolbag, it was dark and cold.In the morning, I ran outside the house. My father’s car for work drove out. I chased after it. It smelled disgusting. I threw away my schoolbag. I chased the car like crazy. I shouted loudly Dad, one sound after another, the pedestrians on the road are all looking back.The car finally stopped, I approached the window glass, the glass of the passenger seat slid down, I couldn't see the woman's expression clearly, but I saw the red banknotes, smashed down on my face, the sharpness of the banknotes scratched my face, the car started, the airflow let The banknotes fluttered and fell to the ground, and some floated far away.

If my father just doesn't want to talk to me, or if it's difficult to raise another child, as long as he tells me the truth and gives me a place to live, I can forgive him.But from the moment he asked a woman to throw me money, I knew that he was no longer my father.Someone wanted to pick up the red banknotes that fell on the ground, and I frantically snatched them away, shouting heartbreakingly: "Mine, mine, it's all mine!"

I traded my dignity for it.

I went to the Public Security Bureau and found my grandfather's contact information. He had just finished dealing with the funeral affairs of his dead daughter. Seeing that I was holding money in my hand, he took me back to my hometown to continue my education. If I drink too much liquor, I will take advantage of my drunkenness to say things that I dare not say during the day, scold me and my father, and miss his daughter, but in fact he is the best person for me to continue studying. Let me have a place to rest my feet and have a full stomach, and I dare not insist on other things.

But this is the only person who accepts me. When I was weeding in the vegetable field when I first went to college, the weather was too hot and I suffered from heat stroke in the vegetable field. Come claim it.

The stolen happiness is still quicksand in the end, and it still flows through my fingers even if I hold it tightly. I have been terrified day and night since high school, and this day still comes, and the sand finally passes away.He is willing to treat me well, because I am "Zhu Meiying's son", not "Chen Shuning". I have enjoyed the "family" for three years with this title. What shouldn't exist, the slightly trembling fire in my heart was completely extinguished in one breath.As a result, the whole world, including people on this side and the other side, fell ill and washed out all the colors, and I lost the most serious colors.

I warned myself not to ask anyone for help. Through the destructive punishment, the blood flowed out and dried up. The extreme punishment allowed me to continue to survive for nearly three years.My pain, my riddled with holes should be buried in the river of prediction.

That piece of black drifting river water... a sharp prick, splashes of water, and in an instant, I woke up.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Tang Fengxing's face. I stretched out my fingers and tried my best to ask for a kiss.

"I dreamed of you."

"Oh, dream about me?"

"I dreamed that you came to save me."

Take me out of my dreams, take me out of the sea of ​​bitterness, and cross me across the river on the other side.No one knows that I have been in this world.But not now, now Tang Fengxing will always remember that I was here.

Tang Fengxing because I am Chen Shuning, he accepts Chen Shuning, loves Chen Shuning so much, he is willing to have a family with me.And I have been selfishly afraid since I stepped into his house. Once the secret is revealed, I will still be the bottle of deadly poison, poisoning his happy family, and the crisp and pleasant ringing bell will become dull and dull.He shouldn't be like this, he can obviously have the blessings of his parents in an upright manner, I hugged Tang Fengxing, and the intermittent crying was muffled in his clothes.

It’s been too long, and I’ve been crying dizzily, but I can’t get over it for a while. Facing his family’s eyes that understand everything, I can’t help but feel fear and anxiety. Thinking of the most extreme and terrible result, I will be kicked out by their disgust. Same as before.

Tang Fengxing couldn't comfort me. He took out the medicine from his schoolbag and gave it to me.The water was mixed with sugar water, then raised my head, kissed me, and licked slowly, I tasted the salty taste of my tears, which was then replaced by the taste of sugar water.My hands grabbed his chest, he kissed very tenderly, I was so tired from crying, I was out of breath, and as soon as I thought about those what-ifs, the tears would burst.

"Tang Fengxing, what should I do if I can't give you a home like this? This home looks very warm, with both parents here, very happy. But I can't give it to you. I'm afraid I will be abandoned again, but it's impossible not to let them live forever I know. I still did something wrong, Tang Fengxing, I just don't want...to be separated from you, what should I do, I can no longer be alone. I am so sad, my heart hurts, and my fingers hurt too."

I was finally able to make a sound.

"Hey, Ning Zi, you won't be alone. As I said, I will accompany you in everything I do. I will always be here. As long as you call me, I will respond to you."

He took out the ring from his pocket and put it on for me. The rings collided crisply. He rubbed his fingers and touched the position of my heart: "We will always be together forever. You are building a house in my heart. You are always Live in it. Many things, we will solve together, blame ourselves now, change the way of thinking, we can also try to test them, let them accept slowly, the result is not necessarily all bad."

"But Tang Mengru, she can't accept me."

"That was five years ago."

I was sobbing, looking at the ring on my finger, and when I heard the sound, I knocked on the door, and Tang Fengxing said come in.Tang Mengru was in front of my eyes, she was definitely looking at me, I clenched Tang Fengxing's hand even harder, stopped his neck, and leaned against me.I used all my strength to look directly at Tang Mengru, as if I was facing a formidable enemy, as if I was still in a strange and absurd dream: "Tang Mengru, I... may not be a normal person in your eyes, but in your eyes In my brother's eyes, I am a normal person, I will not hurt him, I will not hurt everyone. So can you give me this... this Tang Fengxing who regards me as a normal person, Tang Fengxing as Brother's side is still... still yours, it's yours, don't steal it from me, okay, it doesn't matter if you don't understand me, I dare not force it, I just want him... please , I only have him."

Tang Fengxing is the color of my existence, the unique light, and the road I can walk on. He is the person I can warm with the only remaining temperature. He doesn't care about my remaining temperature.

Tang Mengru approached me slowly, her sharp eyes softened instantly, and she said slowly, "Mmm."

When I was surprised, she handed the warm towel to Tang Fengxing: "Then what I said before, I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I will accept you well, um. Here, what you want Hot towel, wipe your partner quickly, it’s so ugly, go out to the restaurant for dinner after wiping, we are waiting for you.”

"Will you expose me?"

"When you are willing to tell your parents, I will 'uncover' it with you."

She walked out, Tang Fengxing wiped my face with a towel, I was still hiccupping, under the action of the tranquilizer, the feeling of depression and discomfort began to ease.I asked her what she meant puzzledly, but I was too tired from crying to understand.Tang Fengxing smiled, kissed me again in his room and said: "She is the youngest in the family, spoiled since she was a child, has no manners, has a bad temper, and her mouth stinks badly. It's not a little princess who can apologize immediately, you have to figure it out with her slowly, you should bear it more."

"She couldn't accept that I liked men at first, and she had quarreled with me many times, so she couldn't accept you either. After all, we are classified as a minority, not everyone understands it for a while, and there must be voices of opposition if we accept it. , we respect their ideas, but also stick to our own."

"She is related to me by blood. Naturally, she is worried that I will be hurt and that I am too much. She knows that we have been together for five years, which is enough to prove to her that two men can also be together, have a family, and She had a very happy life. She changed her previous views and corrected her previous mistakes of disrespecting people, but she was a little awkward. You will see her change. Ah Ning, you are also biased. Although we are men , but it is also possible to have a warm family, with you, I have a family as Chen Shuning's lover, here I just have a family as a son. I feel very happy in any one, enough for my happiness."

I touched the ring on my hand, reluctant to take it off, and began to touch his fleshy earlobe: "But if you do this, will your parents know about our relationship?"

"It doesn't matter if they know, they must be worried about whether we can last forever, whether I live well enough, I am their son, and they will not drive me out of the house no matter what."

I immediately covered his mouth, tears were about to come down again: "Don't say that, no, I don't want to destroy the family relationship between you. This is what I have been... afraid of."

He licked the palm of my hand with his tongue, and I let go of it so itchy. He then wiped my hands with a towel, and said to me seriously: "I won't talk anymore. Ah Ning, go forward, I will always It's waiting for you ahead."

"Well, I will move forward, Tang Fengxing, wait for me, and I will come out."

There is a ring, there is a lover wearing a ring, which proves that I have existed in this world.

We slowly clasped the ring-wearing hands together. He kissed the ring on my finger and I kissed the ring on his finger. .

I looked together with him, our eyes met, and we kissed in front of the fireworks.Fireworks also exploded in my heart, blasting out sulfur pyrotechnic debris all over the floor in the high-rise house in my heart, which needs Tang Fengxing to spend his whole life cleaning.

It is a new year, the last goodbye to such a dead winter before the coming tender spring.

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Playing again: "Night is Klein Blue's Sorrow"