a row of egrets

Lu Zhan was taken back. He sat in the office with his head down, refusing to speak.

Lu Yu knocked on the door and came in, followed by Li Jing.

Ever since Lu Zhan came back, Li Jing and the others were almost cautious, not daring to ask him out, and not daring to talk to him on WeChat.

"Lu Zhan." Li Jing squatted in front of Lu Zhan, "Can you take a break? I've been on vacation for the past few days. You can go to my house, or I can take you out to relax, okay?"

"Okay." Lu Zhan said in a low voice, looking straight at Li Jing with his red eyes, "Take me to Somalia."

Li Jing sighed, got up and looked at Lu Yu, the two remained silent and did not speak any more.

"It's over." Lu Zhan suddenly looked up at them, "It's over."

"What?" Lu Yu looked at him distressedly.

"I didn't make it, did I?" Lu Zhan got up, walked to his desk and sat down, turned on the computer, "I won't try again, don't worry, I will continue to work."

Li Jing looked at Lu Zhan's tired face and red and swollen eyes, and couldn't say anything. The news of Xiao Yibai's death and Lu Zhan's current state gripped his heart. He really didn't want to see Lu Zhan so.

Lu Yu took Li Jing's arm, shook his head slightly at him, and led him out of Lu Zhan's office.

Another month later, autumn loomed, and yellow leaves began to fall from the roadside. Lu Zhan left the company early and drove out with a bunch of flowers in his arms.

Lu Zhan finally went to the cemetery.

He has been afraid to go, he has no way to accept the fact that the person he loves has turned into a cold tombstone.

He has never come out, and has always been cowardly and refused to face it.

But he still had to accept the reality after all, no matter how he lied to himself, these three months of torture reminded Lu Zhan that Xiao Yibai would never come back again.

Lu Zhan walked to Xiao Yibai's tomb. On the tombstone was Xiao Yibai's photo.

Like the face that Lu Zhan missed day and night, it was cold and indifferent.

Lu Zhan reached out and touched the photo, it was so cold.

He could have touched this face every day, but now he can only use his fingertips to draw across the cold photo.

Xiao Yibai is no longer the person Lu Zhan sees first when he wakes up every day, no longer the person who can hold his snow-white hand and kiss again and again, no longer the person who can hug at any time.

He became the cloud that Lu Zhan could never touch again in his life, floating quietly in the sky, so far away and so light, and at the same time, he was pressing hard on Lu Zhan's heart, making him sleepless day and night, every minute and every day Seconds are tormented.

I am in the world, too far away from you.

"Yibai." Lu Zhan said in a low voice, "The thing I regret the most in my life is not being able to say goodbye to you properly."

"But we could have been together forever without even saying goodbye."

"I did something wrong and I will never forgive myself for the rest of my life."

"...I really." There was a trembling cry in his voice, "I really want to see you again."

"I really miss you."

The warm sunlight couldn't warm Lu Zhan's trembling and cold body under his clothes. Standing in front of the tombstone, in front of the photo of Xiao Yibai, the person he loved deeply but could no longer have, he cried uncontrollably.

Lu Zhan thought that the previous three years were the most difficult time for him. He was sick with longing and had trouble sleeping and eating. He thought that these days were already the ultimate pain, but he didn't expect that everything was just the beginning, and the torture he was going to suffer had just begun. .Going forward, for the rest of my long life, the hidden love in the crowd, the eyes of the beloved who will never see each other, are just a dream that cannot be woken up.All the luck, all the courage, all the panic that Lu Zhan had, could no longer find a place to return, and he could no longer look into those dark eyes.This fateful ending was something he could never bear, and it killed his eternal enthusiasm. In the aftershocks of his future life, he didn't even have the chance to call Xiao Yibai's name frankly again.

Looking at the tombstone through tearful eyes, Lu Zhan finally realized clearly and profoundly that their future is gone, and there will never be any in the future.

The person I like so much, the person I want to spend many years with in the future, he is gone.

I still want to touch your face, run my fingers through your soft hair, hold your hand, want to talk to you again, want to kiss your lips again, want to hug you again.

But these can no longer be done.

Everything in this world has not changed at all because of Xiao Yibai's departure, but in Lu Zhan's heart, the clear sky has turned into night, the stars have fallen, the waves have receded, the flowers have withered, and the sky and the earth have lost all color.The ice and snow of the snow-capped mountains melted for tens of thousands of years, the fireworks in the world disappeared, and the wonders of the gods collapsed in an instant... Everything was meaningless to him.

The time with Xiao Yibai is really like a dream, in which all the good times of Lu Zhan are hidden.

After waking up from the dream, everything is empty.

The autumn grass is withered and yellow, swaying desolately.

In the distance, there are swan geese crying, and the autumn wind blows the waves of reeds, dyeing a sad scene.

The long road, the eternal night, the eyes, the horizon.

It's hard to live alone without you by my side.

It was Lu Yanjun's 50th birthday in the evening, and after returning from the cemetery, Lu Zhan went to the hotel for dinner.

Lu Yu's mother sat beside Lu Zhan, looked at the silent Lu Zhan, and took his hand with pity: "Zhan Zhan, can you eat more food? You are so thin."

It's not that she doesn't know about Lu Zhan and Xiao Yibai. From the surprise at the beginning to the distress now, she knows that Lu Zhan must be very sad.

"I'm full, Auntie." Lu Zhan forced a smile, "I'll go to the balcony to get some air, and you eat slowly."

As Lu Zhan said, he got up and walked away, leaving the worried aunt and Lu Yancheng who was sitting in the upper seat looking at his back.

The wind on the balcony was very strong, Lu Zhan exhaled, and when he lowered his head, he saw a piece of withered grass floating from nowhere sticking to his trouser leg, trembling in the wind, as if Lu Zhan was its only support .

Lu Zhan bent down to pick it up and pinched it on his fingertips, staring blankly for a while.

Lu Zhan struggled to light a cigarette, and he was still twirling the dry grass in his hand, trembling in the wind, like Xiao Yibai's thin body, or his own tree that could no longer hold on. heart of.

Three months of life would be worse than death.

Someone behind him patted himself on the shoulder, Lu Zhan turned his head and saw Qiu Tong.

If one ignores the loose expression between his brows and just looks at the cold facial features, Lu Zhan seems to be able to see Xiao Yibai through him.

"Why did you come here?" Lu Zhan asked him.

"Don't you know, my family has opened a branch in City A, and I'll come to take care of it, and I'm going to have a cooperation with your company soon, and it's Dong Lu's birthday today, so my dad asked me to come over."

"Yeah." Lu Zhan turned his head, still looking at the withered grass in a daze.

"You've lost a lot of weight." Qiu Tong said after being silent for a while.

"It's okay, I don't feel anything myself." Lu Zhan put the cigarette in his mouth, narrowed his eyes slightly, and didn't know where to look.

"You have to come out anyway, you can't stay like this forever." Qiu Tong stood beside him, "Let yourself go."

Lu Zhan took a breath and said suddenly, "Do you know how I met him?"

"In fact, when we were very young, we all lived in the compound of the military region, but I didn't know him before. Later, when I was in college, I met him when I went to the bar. He just sat like this, with a profile, and my eyes I couldn’t move it away. Coincidentally, my leg was injured and I was hospitalized in a military hospital. He was the doctor in charge of me. At that time, I was thinking about how to chase him every day. I always talk to him, and I am very happy when he talks to me a few more words."

"Later we got together, and after we got together, I moved into his house. You know, he was just then." Lu Zhan smiled, "But he really took care of me. Now that I think about it, I feel sorry for him." There’s just so little to do.”

"I'm really thinking about my future with him seriously. I started my own company and worked hard to make money, because I fancy a sea view house, and I want to buy it and live there with him in the future. Over there The scenery is really good, he and I both like it."

"At that time, my dad was ready to let me go abroad, but I disagreed with life and death. I asked my brother to talk to my dad. My dad was persuaded later. I thought everything was over and the house was about to open. I'm ready to pay the down payment." Lu Zhan paused, his fingers trembling slightly, "It didn't take long, I did something wrong and was sent abroad. Before I left, I asked my friend to tell him , tell him not to wait for me."

"I'm so useless. I ruined a life that could have been going on. I stayed in the United States for two years. He went to Africa to aid. His aid was for one year, and I still have one year to go. You don't know how much I look forward to being able to return to China." Lu Zhan's voice suddenly dropped, "But, he is obviously going to be back in half a month, but suddenly..."

Qiu Tong listened quietly, and Lu Zhan's sudden stop made him turn his head to look at him. He thought Lu Zhan was crying, but Lu Zhan just looked at the withered grass in his hand, with a cigarette in his other hand, and the ashes burned A large part of it came out, was blown by the wind, and fell to the ground.

Lu Zhan finally said: "Even if I do it again a hundred times, in the bar, I will walk up to him without hesitation with the bottle in hand and ask him if he would like to have a drink together."

Lu Zhan recalls that night now, and it feels like a dream, the best dream he has ever had in his 20 years of life.

Qiu Tong finally patted him on the shoulder: "Lu Zhan, he won't come back. Memories are very precious, but you can't just live in them."

"I'm not living in memories." Lu Zhan lit another cigarette, "Eating, sleeping, working, I live a normal life."

"But it's true that every day is getting harder and harder."

After Lu Zhan finished speaking, he let go and threw the dead grass into the wind, blinked his eyes, and forced the faint tears back into his eyes.