Cheng Wei'an
Chapter 1 (1)
I discovered my difference in the second year of junior high school. I like men.It was like a thunderbolt falling on my head. After all, in the eyes of many people, this was against human ethics, and it was something that would not be recognized by people at that time or even now.
I was terrified, afraid of being known, afraid of being pointed at and scolded.During that time I was reticent and isolated myself from those around me.My parents didn't notice the difference in me, they thought I had matured overnight.
After graduating from junior high school, I became more open-minded. I began to try to integrate into the group, made good friends, and became more cheerful.There are many handsome boys in the school, but none of them fascinated me.
After graduating from high school, I was admitted to an undergraduate school in the capital. Since then, my heart has never been at peace.
I have never experienced this kind of feeling. When I first saw it, I was so shocked that I belonged to him in this life.It's not that I haven't seen a boy who is more handsome and good-looking than him, but just those smiling eyes have reached the supreme position in my heart.
When I got to school, I was very tired.It's a full day's drive from home to here.However, I can't rest now, I have to go through the admission procedures.Many people around are accompanied by their parents, or they are accompanied by the seniors who have newly hooked up. It is really rare for me to miss the seniors and run up and down alone like me.
After getting the dormitory key, I dragged my bags and bags up to the sixth floor.Halfway through the climb, I suddenly felt a little wronged. I would occasionally feel a lot of sentimentality and think about things, so I went upstairs and entered the dormitory all the way wronged.
The door of the dormitory was open, and a boy greeted me with a smile when he saw me.He helped me carry the suitcase in, and I stood at the door, my heart beating like a car that was seriously speeding and was about to crash into an accident.
My heart that had been silent for 18 years was finally revived in this boy's smile.
However, this recovery was too violent.My ears were filled with the sound of my intense heartbeat, my hands were shaking, and something seemed to be about to burst out of my mouth.I took a slight step forward, the man put down my suitcase and turned around, his bright eyes were still smiling.
I shut my mouth tightly and smiled back at him.I thanked him, but didn't have the nerve to ask his name.
Fortunately, he is not as silent as I am.
"My name is Yang Shuo. We will be roommates living in the same room from now on. Please take care of me."
"Ah, my name is Cheng Wei'an, please take care of me."
I am actually not used to introducing myself to others. First, I am not very good at communicating with people. Second, I always feel very uncomfortable when I say my name.
"Well, Wei An, where are you from?" Yang Shuo asked me.
"People from Lincheng, I have been there since I was a child, and this is the first time I have traveled far." I didn't dare to look him in the eyes, so I started to make the bed.
Yang Shuo leaned forward and said, "Do you want me to help? Anyway, mine is already sorted."
I said: "Hey, don't bother you, I can do it myself."
"This is no trouble, we are all friends." After talking, Yang Shuo came to help me make the bed. The quilts were uniformly distributed by the school, and they were all of the same style.I looked at the same quilt as his, and the corners of my mouth couldn't help but turn up.
The second roommate also arrived.Yang Shuo approached enthusiastically, and during the conversation, he knew that his roommate was Yi Ran, a local.Yang Shuo introduced me to Yi Ran. I was always embarrassed to speak to people I didn't know well, so I had to smile at him.
The last person in the dormitory never came.
The three of us went to the cafeteria to have dinner together, and got acquainted with the school environment by the way.Both Yang Shuo and Yi Ran are generous and talkative people. They walked side by side and had endless topics to talk about.I walked behind very consciously, and felt a little pitiful, so I flipped through my phone absent-mindedly.
Yang Shuo turned his head and gave me a hand: "Don't play with your mobile phone while walking, you don't talk to us very much."
Yi Ran said: "I think Wei An is a very shy boy."
I said: "I'm actually, um, just arrived in the new environment, and I'm still a little uncomfortable. After a long time, my nature will be exposed, and your first impression may be subverted by then haha."
Yi Ran smiled: "I'm looking forward to it."
Because Yang Shuo gave me a hand, I was on the same line with them. Yang Shuo also deliberately leaned towards me in the conversation with Yi Ran, and wanted to bring me into their conversation. After returning to the dormitory, I was in their A lot more comfortable in front of me.But Yang Shuo soon made me more uncomfortable.When he came out of the bathroom, I was packing my pajamas. When I heard the movement, I looked up and my face became hot immediately.
He only wore a bath towel around his waist, and his perfect muscles were exposed to the air.His hair was wet and drooping very docilely, and his eyes were full of water vapor, which made his already handsome face more ignorant and beautiful, with a great affinity and impact.
It's almost seducing someone to death.
Yi Ran whistled beside him, and said loudly: "Yang Shuo, you are in good shape!"
I grabbed my pajamas and said, "Yi Ran, I'm going to wash it first." After speaking, I bypassed Yang Shuo and went into the bathroom pretending to be calm.
The moment the door was closed, my heart beat violently as if a person with a long reflection arc had finally come to his senses.I clutched my chest, smelling the fragrance of shower gel in the bathroom, my mind was in chaos, it was Yang Shuo's smile for a while, Yang Shuo's abdominal muscles for a while, and inexplicable words for a while.
Until I lay down on the bed, my thoughts still drifted away like unrestrained.
The first two days of school were very leisurely, and the counselor told us about the admission requirements and psychology. , and repeatedly emphasized the importance of military training.
Formal military training begins on the third day.
That morning I held the camouflage uniform with a hundred reluctances in my heart, but Yang Shuo and Yi Ran put it on without saying a word, and Yi Ran complained that it was too ugly.In this way, it's not easy for me to tweak it secretly, not to mention that Yang Shuo is still as handsome as ever in this camouflage uniform.But I was different. After I put it on, I felt that I was more than a little ugly. I lowered the brim of my hat very low, and walked out with my head buried.
Yang Shuo pulled me back. He tore off my hat, threw me a tube of sunscreen, and said, "Wipe it on, or it will be so dark."
The students of our two majors formed a platoon, and I changed from being next to Yang Shuo to being in front of Yang Shuo.In my heart, I have beaten the man next to Yang Shuo thousands of times.
This position made me suffer a lot. When I thought of Yang Shuo behind me, I became very nervous.This nervousness made me stand still and straight like a mountain when I stood in the military posture. Even the instructors praised me as a model in the military posture, and I was sore after the military posture.
When practicing going forward in a row, if he walks first, it is a good time for me to relax and watch him. If I walk first, it is when I am stiff and nervous, and the instructor will point at my nose and scold me. I.
I can't allow myself to practice comfortably under his gaze. When I think that he can see me, I want to show my perfect side, but things are not satisfactory, and I often get myself into embarrassment.
During military training, morning exercises are required in the morning, and one has to get up at six o'clock, and one hour of rest after breakfast is followed by training.I was severely sleep deprived, and I used up all my spare time to catch up on sleep. During the break in the middle of training, Yang Shuo couldn't resist the deep sleepiness in front of me.
I hugged my knees and fell asleep in the same position as others.There was a gust of wind blowing in the haze, and it was like entering heaven in this hot summer day. I was about to fall into a deeper sleep in the cool wind, when something hit my back lightly.I straightened up in a jerk and looked back, Yang Shuo was fanning me with his military cap. "I accidentally hit you." He looked at his phone, "There is still time, let's sleep a little longer."
In a daze, I hugged my knees again and fell asleep, and when I fell asleep, I was sober.
I think, he will always pull me step by step into the abyss from which I cannot extricate myself.
I struggled hard, but he was unflappable.
Universities don’t have teachers restricting them from falling in love like high school. Men and women are always more liberal than high school.Yang Shuo is tall, handsome, and has a good personality. During the rest time, there are always three or two girls around him.
I hugged my knees and buried my head, but I couldn't fall asleep when I should be sleepy.
I understand that there are not many people who like men like me, and I have never thought about letting go and boldly pursuing Yang Shuo. I don't want to drag him into the quagmire. This secret love will eventually end without a problem.Yet I couldn't stop myself from paying attention to his every move.I listened to him chatting and laughing with the girls, and I couldn't stop feeling sour. On the other hand, I couldn't stop being happy that he continued to fan me.
I never thought that liking someone would make me tangled up like this, sadness and joy seem to merge and seesaw, like crazy.
The weather in September is so sweltering, with waves of heat hitting everyone like they're dying, I really don't want to leave the air-conditioned room for a second.
I curled up in the bed, the alarm clock vibrated twice, I reached out to turn it off, and continued to sleep with my head covered.
Yang Shuo knew my virtues, and he would knock on my bedside to wake me up when he and Yi Ran were done cleaning up.
I brushed my teeth and washed my face in a daze, and Yi Ran called out: "There are still 5 minutes!"
As soon as I opened my eyes, I flicked the washcloth, picked up my phone and ran: "Hurry up, I'm going to be late!"
Yang Shuo and Yi Ran laughed loudly from behind.I looked down at the time, there were still 7 minutes left, and I realized that I was being played by Yi Ran.
I turned back and kicked him angrily.
"Haha, you idiot!"
I replied: "You are mentally retarded!" Then I kicked him again.
He yelled and hid aside, saying: "Yang Shuo also participated, why did you just kick me and scold me instead of kicking him and scolding him?"
"Your heart is so bad, you still want to drag Yang Shuo into the water." I wanted to kick him again, but Yang Shuo pulled me.
He said: "Stop making trouble, you childish ghosts, it's time to go."
Yi Ran clutched her chest: "Tsk tsk, Cheng Wei'an, you broke my heart, you know how to protect Yang Shuo, I was completely sincere but you blasted me into scum, ah! God!" I looked at the actor's upper body in disgust Yi Ran felt like rubbing him into the toilet pit.
Yang Shuo smiled and pushed my back and walked out, saying: "Don't pay attention to him."
Me: "Well, good."
Yi Ran: "Hey, wait for me!"
Being beaten up by Yi Ran, I dozed off for more than half of the time, and became much more energetic.But after morning exercises, people become drowsy again.
Yang Shuo asked me what to eat, I shook my head and said, "I don't have much appetite, I don't want to have breakfast, you go and eat, I'm going back to the dormitory first."
When I got back to the dormitory, I fell asleep. Yi Ran woke me up at eight o'clock. When I was washing my face, Yang Shuo teased me and said, "I've never seen you so sleepy. You're a lazy pig."
I pouted, I'm not a little lazy pig, I'm a big lazy pig, hehe.
Military training is boring, every day under the same hot sun, listening to repeated orders and performing repeated actions, the suffocating silence is mixed with the billowing heat.
I half-closed my eyes and mechanically carried out the instructor's order.Sweat drenched my clothes and pants, making them sticky and sticky. In such a hot weather, my physical exertion was even more serious. I didn't have breakfast, and now I was hungry and weak.Looking forward to the lunch break, I took off my hat to fan the wind, wishing I could fly to the cafeteria.
Yi Ran was asking: "What shall we eat?"
I said, "Everything is fine."
Yang Shuo shook his hat and said, "Let's go eat Malatang, I haven't eaten for a long time."
Yi Ran and I agreed, so we went to the cafeteria and ordered Mala Tang, packed it and went back to the dormitory to eat with the air conditioner blowing.
In the afternoon, I still practiced walking, and my stomach began to hurt. I didn't pay much attention to it. This happens often, and the pain subsides after a while.
But I underestimated this stomachache.After the instructor ordered a rest, I was so painful that I couldn't straighten up.
I sat on the ground and gritted my teeth. I didn't tell anyone, and I couldn't speak because of the pain.The pain stimulated the lacrimal glands, but I felt convulsed and thought that I couldn't cry outside, it would be too embarrassing.Many messy pictures flashed in my mind, and suddenly I missed home, and couldn't help sobbing softly.
Yang Shuo noticed my abnormality, patted my shoulder and asked me what was wrong.I didn't dare to look up, I gritted my teeth, and said in a voice like a mosquito: "I... my stomach hurts... my stomach hurts..."
Yang Shuo heard it clearly, and said, "Wait a minute." He went to explain my situation to the instructor, and took a tissue when he came back.He lifted my face a little, and a piece of paper covered my whole face.
"I'll wipe your sweat for you. Can you go? If you can't, I'll carry you on your back."
I naturally don't want to be carried by anyone, especially him, but I struggled a few times, not to mention standing up, and I couldn't straighten my waist, it was too painful.
Yang Shuo grabbed my arm and turned me on his back.I buried my head in the nest of his neck and pretended to be an ostrich.
When I arrived at the school infirmary, the doctor was watching TV with great interest. He put me down, turned to the school doctor and said, "Doctor, he has a severe stomachache."
The doctor clicked his tongue in annoyance, and turned to face us. He asked me some things, then prescribed some stomach medicine for me, gave me some instructions, and then went to watch his TV again.
Yang Shuo carried the medicine and carried me back to the dormitory.
"It's all my fault. Letting you eat spicy soup made you suffer from stomach problems." Yang Shuo blamed himself on the way, and then blamed me again, "You too, don't pay attention to your stomach, I said eat spicy soup Don't you know how to object? You don't even say you have a stomach problem, just resist it, and think that you have a strong stomach?"
Yang Shuo carried me up to the sixth floor without panting. I sat on the chair and saw him doing this and that for me, and suddenly I wanted to laugh.At that moment, I thought, what would his attitude be if I expressed my feelings to him?I'm afraid they will stay away from me like the plague. How can you worry about me like this?Thinking of this, I feel very uncomfortable.Yang Shuo had already brought the water and medicine in front of me, and said: "After taking the medicine, go to bed and lie down. If you still feel uncomfortable, call me... Forget it, I will watch over you, give me the cup, you Can you go up?"
The worst period of stomach pain has passed, I wanted to tell him not to guard me, but after thinking about it, he still needs less sunshine here, so I kept my mouth shut.
I climbed into bed, curled up and closed my eyes and fell asleep.
This sleep is extremely restless, I have been dreaming, one incomplete dream after another.I dreamed that Yang Shuo hugged me and said that I was clingy, and the scene turned to him looking at me indifferently, and the people around him pointed at me, and their words mingled together and went straight to my ears. I couldn't hear a word clearly, but I could hear what he said clearly, word for word.He said: "You disgusting gay, get away from me!"
I was pale and tried to say something, but my throat seemed to be blocked and I couldn't say a word.
Yang Shuo turned and left in disgust. I was startled and hurried to catch up, but Yang Shuo went further and further away.The people around me surrounded me and pointed their fingers at the tip of my nose. They all had expressions of disgust and hatred.
"I didn't expect there to be someone like you in our school, bah, it's really shameless to like men!"
"Disgusting, you are disgusting!"
"People like you still have the face to live, and you are not afraid of being punished by God! If it were me, I would have died long ago!"
"I heard that those homosexuals are very chaotic, and there are a lot of people who get sick. Cheng Wei'an, do you get sick..."
"Go to hell you!..."
Everyone is attacking me, they look at me like a monster, guarding against me, as if they will attack me in groups in the next second.
But what did I do wrong?I screamed silently with tears in my eyes.
What am I doing wrong?I just fell in love with a person, and this person is the same gender as me.
They are also likes, why is my like so disgusted by others?
It's true that I like men, but I didn't mess around! ...I just like him, just like...Yang Shuo...
"Cheng Wei'an, Cheng Wei'an!"
I woke up suddenly, and I saw Yang Shuo's anxious face.
"Why are you crying all of a sudden? Is it the pain or is it a nightmare?"
I reached out and touched my face, only to realize that my face was full of tears from crying.
"Stomach pain?" Yang Shuo asked me.
I shake my head.Thinking back to the dream just now, the dream seemed to be covered with a layer of water mist, which was vague and unreal. I only remembered the deep-seated pain in the dream, and I still felt palpitations when I recalled it.Yang Shuo wiped my tears with a tissue, and comforted me by saying, "Nightmare is nothing to be afraid of, just watch a horror movie."
Me: "...I dare not watch horror movies."
"A big man doesn't even dare to look at this?" Yang Shuo immediately laughed at me mercilessly, "You coward haha."
My face was expressionless: "Stomach hurts."
Yang Shuo paused: "Okay, okay, it's time for dinner, I'll go down and buy you a bowl of porridge, do you want white porridge, vegetable porridge or meat porridge?"
"Vegetable porridge."
"Okay you."
Yang Shuo Shi ran away, and when he came back, Yi Ran trailed behind him.
As soon as Yi Ran came back, she exclaimed exaggeratedly: "Xiao Anzi, what's the matter with you? We've only known each other for a few weeks, are you going to leave me? Woohoo, I don't want to part with it, don't worry, I will definitely search for good doctors Heal you!"
Yang Shuo covered his face without saying a word.I poked my head and looked at Yi Ran quietly: "I just have a stomachache, and it doesn't hurt much now, please stop your exaggerated desire to perform."
Yi Ran curled her lips and returned to normal: "When Yang Shuo carried you away, I was so worried, and the instructor refused to let me go. It's really inhumane."
I laughed: "Could it be that you want to skip training and use me as an excuse."
Yi Ran was aggrieved and said: "Xiao Anzi, how can you miss me like this, I am really worried about you."
I bared my teeth and threatened him: "Don't call me Xiao Anzi, or I will kick you to death."
Yi Ran followed kindness and said, "Wei An."
Yang Shuo: "Weian, do you want to come down to eat porridge or eat it on the bed?"
"I'll come down to eat, you can put the porridge on the table." I said, got up and went down, sat at the table and ate the porridge.
I wiped away the porridge that had spilled on the table, and when I threw the trash sideways, I caught a glimpse of Yang Shuo leaning on his table and looking at me with complicated and incomprehensible eyes.
I was slightly startled, and turned to look at him, only to see him looking down at his phone, as if what I just saw was a hallucination.
I never thought about the question of whether Yang Shuo has a girlfriend, or in other words, I have been avoiding this question.
But one day, a girl in class came to me and asked me: "Cheng Wei'an, do you know if Yang Shuo has a girlfriend?"
I said, "Didn't you have a good chat? Didn't you ask him?"
The girl bit her lip, a little annoyed: "I asked, but he just refused to say, you are in the same dormitory, and you play well, so I came to ask if you know."
"I don't know, he didn't say that." I couldn't wait to leave, "I have to leave first." "Hey, wait." The girl grabbed me, "Please, you can help me ask, Please."
I didn't know how to refuse her at all, and I was annoyed that I ran too slowly to get myself into such an embarrassing problem.
I rushed upstairs angrily, the sound of the door opening startled Yi Ran who was playing the game fiercely, I turned my eyes and didn't see Yang Shuo.
Yi Ran looked at me in fear, and asked me: "What's wrong with you?"
"Someone asked me to ask Yang Shuo if he has a girlfriend!"
Yi Ran put down his phone and looked at me with a frown. There was some emotion in his eyes that I couldn't understand. He said, "Wei An, are you, do you like Yang Shuo?"
As soon as his words came out, I was replaced by the frightened person.My heart was pounding, and I denied it tremblingly: "I, how could I, I am a man, and he is also a man."
Yi Ran sighed, with a calm tone, comforting me: "You don't need to deny me in a hurry, if you like it, you like it, I can tell, because we are the same kind of people."
I was extremely surprised and asked back: "You like men too?!"
"What's that expression on your face? Please keep calm."
"Okay," I said, but I couldn't compose myself.I didn't expect Yi Ran to be gay, nor did I expect there to be gays around me.Yi Ran is obviously much calmer and more enlightened than me.
"And." Yi Ran threw a bomb at me, "I have a boyfriend."
I was blown to pieces, and I forced myself to ask: "Is he gay too?"
Yi Ran nodded.I suddenly became depressed: "But, Yang Shuo is not."
"Then what do you plan to do?"
"Me? No, I don't know, I'm struggling, I, I don't dare."
I knew from the beginning that this love would not have any good results, after all, it is such a taboo emotion.I want to express my heart to him, and want to pursue him for nothing, but I dare not, I am afraid that he will hate me and stay away from me, I am afraid that I will pull him into the quagmire and cannot get out, I am afraid that he will be pointed at by others, I am afraid, I was terrified.
I was silent for a long time.When Yang Shuo came back, I thought of that girl, so I went to ask him.
Yang Shuo looked at me suspiciously and asked, "Why are you asking this all of a sudden?"
I faltered: "Someone asked me to ask."
Yang Shuo understood: "Those girls, just tell them that I have a girlfriend."
"Ah, yes, I have a girlfriend." My heart felt sore for a moment, I lowered my head and blinked my watery eyes.Yang Shuo looked at me with a smile in his eyes: "Actually, I don't have any, but they are always pestering and annoying."
"Huh? You didn't talk about your girlfriend!" I was surprised, and I raised my head suddenly, my eyes seemed to be shining.He doesn't have a girlfriend, I smiled silly.
Yang Shuo seemed to be laughed out of anger, but his eyes were very gentle.He said, "Hey, what do you mean, am I so funny that I don't have a girlfriend?"
I quickly shook my head and flattered me: "I didn't laugh at you, and I don't have a girlfriend either."
As soon as the news that Yang Shuo had a girlfriend came out, many girls were very regretful, and consciously did not go to Yang Shuo's side.But there is a girl who still doesn't give up and chases after Yang Shuo in different ways every day. Yang Shuo clearly told her that it is impossible and failed to dispel her thoughts.
That was Zhan Yu from the class next door. He was pretty, but he looked like he was not easy to mess with.
Classes start at 07:30 in the morning, Yang Shuo and Yi Ran can get up at [-]:[-] at first, and go to have breakfast after washing up.But now, they have been infected by my inertia. They can only get up at [-]:[-], then wake me up, and go directly to the classroom after washing.
It's ten o'clock after one class, and there are 10 minutes before the next class. Yang Shuo Yiran went to the cafeteria to buy breakfast, and I continued to catch up on sleep or play with my mobile phone.
One hand stuck to my face and rubbed vigorously a few times.I pushed the hand away, looked up, and Yang Shuo was looking at me with a smile.He handed me breakfast, and by the way gave me a brain crash.
"You are heartless, just sleep, but if you don't sleep, you want me to bring you breakfast, and you won't bring me breakfast."
I smiled doglegly: "It's my life's good fortune to have you, it's so kind of you."
So Yi Ran got a brain collapse and a supercilious look.
I don't like the girl Zhan Yu, especially when I saw her by Yang Shuo's side.
We were seated for four, and a seat was vacant.Zhan Yu pretended to be shy while holding the food plate and asked her if she could sit here. I almost wanted to show her a cold face and tell her not to sit.But I'm a big man, it's not easy to touch a girl's face, so I had to grit my teeth and swallow it.
With a blank face and a violent heart, I kept poking at the dishes on the plate, scolding Zhan Yu for clinging to the boys shamelessly, scolding Yang Shuo for not being firm enough, saying girls are annoying but not refusing their approach.The meal was so tasteless that I put down my chopsticks after I took two bites.
Yi Ran looked at me clearly, with the four characters "You Coward" clearly written in his eyes.
I pretended not to see it, lowered my head and pretended to look at my mobile phone, but in fact, with my ears up, I listened to the conversation of a man and a woman opposite.
Zhan Yu kept picking topics. At first, Yang Shuo still had to answer all questions. While chatting, he suddenly became absent-minded. Zhan Yu said a lot of things, and only then did he hear an interjection such as "uh, uh, uh, uh, etc., which suddenly came to his senses."
Embarrassed and annoyed, Zhan Yu hurried away, and I looked up at her back.
Yang Shuo said: "Eat such a small amount, you will be hungry after a while."
I snorted, "I'm full."
Yang Shuo looked at me strangely, and said nothing.
This incident inexplicably became an issue, an issue that caused a cold war between me and Yang Shuo.To be honest, I didn't understand what happened, and I felt that Yang Shuo and I were alienated for no reason.
He didn't talk to me, and I didn't care about him. I had a cold war with him for a week.Yi Ran tried to ease our relationship, but failed.
This week, I was extremely diligent. I got up at seven o'clock in the morning, and Yang Shuo and Yi Ran didn't get up until after washing up.I picked up the book, said something to Yi Ran and went out, without looking at Yang Shuo during the whole process.
I am very surprised that I can ignore Yang Shuo so calmly and smoothly.But think about it, the reason for our cold war is strange, but he doesn't talk to me, so I just ignore him.
Yi Ran's boyfriend came to find him without telling him on the weekend, which was a big surprise that was caught off guard.But obviously, Yang Shuo and I were the ones who were surprised, and Yi Ran was the one who was happy.
Yi Ran was overjoyed, threw herself into his boyfriend's arms regardless of others, and kissed him firmly.
Yang Shuo's expression changed from astonishment to horror.But I am very calm, maybe I understand that Yang Shuo is different from me and Yi Ran.
Yi Ran took his boyfriend out, and Yang Shuo went out afterward.I was lying on the table, listening to the music in the earphones.The tone is slow and sad, and the people are unhappy.
I'm always easy to be dominated by others, and Yang Shuo was kind to me, so I was overwhelmed by the excitement for a moment, forgetting the gulf between us.Now, I finally remembered that this feeling was destined to be buried deeply.
In a daze, I heard the door opening.Someone seemed to walk up to me, and I adjusted my breathing to look like I was asleep.
I know that Yang Shuo is back, but I don't want to see him.
A hand gently landed on my face, and I heard Yang Shuo sigh and mutter: "Wei An..." I suddenly felt wronged, when I finally calmed down and remembered this unethical relationship, you suddenly Come near me again and give me false illusions.
Am I thinking too much, or are you doing it on purpose?
But in the end I was sunk.
The cold war between me and Yang Shuo is over.
This inexplicable and short-lived cold war made the relationship between me and Yang Shuo also wonderful.
We seem to be the same as ordinary brothers, and it seems that we have surpassed the feelings of brothers.I was indulging in this ambiguous atmosphere, reluctant to give up, not daring to think more about his thoughts.
Occasionally, Yi Ran would look at me with strange eyes and ask me if I was dating Yang Shuo.I shook my head in denial, and he frowned, held back for a long time, and said to me: "Then what are you guys doing now? Are you having an affair? You dare not express your feelings, I understand, what about him? Are you sure about his orientation?" If, I mean if, we are all brothers, there are some things I don’t want to happen, I don’t want to see any of you sad, but you have to think clearly, in case he really only likes women, and you from time to time Is the ambiguity just because you are curious about homosexuality? You keep getting addicted to it, getting deeper and deeper, and when he gets away easily, what will you do?"
I smiled wryly: "Yi Ran, sometimes I really envy you, but I... But even if I know, I don't want to stay away from him, you understand this feeling..."
"But you were the one who got hurt in the end."
"At least I can still have a good time worth remembering, Yi Ran, otherwise I really have nothing."
Yi Ran was so angry that he knocked on my head, and he clicked his tongue: "When the time comes, don't cry!"
Yi Ran's words lingered in my mind, binding me like a chain.
I tossed and turned, looking at the back of Yang Shuo's head opposite me with the light from the window.
What on earth do you mean to me?
Zhan Yu delivered food to Yang Shuo every day, sometimes breakfast and sometimes snacks, all of which went into my stomach.One day, Zhan Yu came back not long after leaving, and happened to bump into me drinking the milk she gave Yang Shuo. After that, when she saw me, she saw me as if she was an enemy, and her eyes were full of hostility.
During the class break, I held the phone on my lap with one hand and put it on the table with the other bent. I just squinted my eyes and fell asleep when the phone vibrated, and I opened my eyes to look.
Yang Shuo reached out and rubbed my face, then took my phone away.
"If you're tired, take a good night's sleep."
Yang Shuo turned my phone to silent, and put his hand on my lap.
My attention was instantly drawn to his hands, why sleep?
I stared at his hands for a few minutes, like a hand fetishist, and I was very happy.There's nothing about him that I don't like.
Yang Shuo called out to me softly, I blinked my eyes, and somehow didn't respond to him.He seemed to think I fell asleep—I usually fell asleep very quickly, basically falling asleep immediately after closing my eyes.
Yang Shuo moved his hand, gently and very slowly, he took my hand.
There was a bang in my head, as if it was overwhelming, but my breathing and heartbeat were abnormally normal, and there was no fever on my cheeks.
I stared at the hand that was intertwined with him, feeling numb in my heart, and wanted to pull him back.
But Yang Shuo withdrew his hand.I heard the sound of the chair being pulled in front of me, followed by Yi Ran's voice.I was very sorry, at this moment I felt that the hand on the pillow was sore and numb, which was extremely uncomfortable, but if it moved, it would inevitably appear deliberate, so I had to bear it by myself.
"Hey, Wei An, wake up." Yi Ran pushed my shoulder.
I half-closed my eyes, looking unhappy that my dream was interrupted, but I bowed to Yi Ran in my heart, saving my poor arm.
Yi Ran glanced at me inexplicably, and I immediately sat up straight and didn't dare to act like a monster: "Do you always have something to tell me?"
Yi Ran smiled with satisfaction, and said: "Gao Yu is coming over this Saturday, and we talked about going to have a meal together then."
"Can I not go?" I don't want to be shown by you! I growled.
Yi Ran had a proud expression that could not be rejected: "I can't."
I glanced at Yang Shuo, thinking that he would probably not agree to this kind of dinner.But without thinking too much, he agreed.
...I had to...eat dog food next to a knife...
After the continuous rain, the sun was finally willing to step out of the house, and the warm sunshine poured down from the sky, covering the campus in a golden color.
When people walk in the sun, they all seem to be radiant, warm and lazy.
We only had one class in the afternoon. After the class, Yang Shuo and I moved the stools to the roof above the dormitory to sit and bask in the sun.
The sunlight made my eyes hurt when looking at the phone, so I simply turned off the phone and concentrated on basking in the sun.
Yang Shuo watched it very enthusiastically.I curled my lips, pointing my fingers in a bored way of wandering.Yang Shuo pinched my face and said, "I seem to have lost an eyelash in my eye, and I can't get it out. Help me get it out."
I looked closer, but I didn't see the eyelashes first, but I saw Yang Shuo's pupils dilated obviously.I was slightly startled, and tilted my head back. The sunlight hit his eyes again, and his pupils began to shrink.
I haven't noticed this kind of thing before, and I was curious for a while.He shook his head back and forth several times.
Yang Shuo was so angry with me, he grabbed my hand and said helplessly: "If you want to play, at least help me get my eyelashes out first, it's uncomfortable."
Well, I stopped this childish behavior and pulled his eyelids to get out the eyelashes that fell in.
Then, I continued with this childish behavior.Yang Shuo was also very cooperative, opening his eyes and slowing down the blinking frequency.
I raised my hand and moved forward and backward for a while, watching his pupils keep expanding and shrinking due to the change of light.
Yang Shuo has beautiful eyes.In the middle of the brown irises, no matter whether the pupil expands or shrinks, it only contains my figure.It made me feel like I was loved by him with all my heart.
My maintaining this childish behavior seems to have aroused his interest, and he imitated me with great interest, watching my pupils shrinking constantly.I tilted my head slightly, looking almost obsessively at his face so close.
Yang Shuo suddenly covered my eyes, rubbed my face, and said: "Okay
I was terrified, afraid of being known, afraid of being pointed at and scolded.During that time I was reticent and isolated myself from those around me.My parents didn't notice the difference in me, they thought I had matured overnight.
After graduating from junior high school, I became more open-minded. I began to try to integrate into the group, made good friends, and became more cheerful.There are many handsome boys in the school, but none of them fascinated me.
After graduating from high school, I was admitted to an undergraduate school in the capital. Since then, my heart has never been at peace.
I have never experienced this kind of feeling. When I first saw it, I was so shocked that I belonged to him in this life.It's not that I haven't seen a boy who is more handsome and good-looking than him, but just those smiling eyes have reached the supreme position in my heart.
When I got to school, I was very tired.It's a full day's drive from home to here.However, I can't rest now, I have to go through the admission procedures.Many people around are accompanied by their parents, or they are accompanied by the seniors who have newly hooked up. It is really rare for me to miss the seniors and run up and down alone like me.
After getting the dormitory key, I dragged my bags and bags up to the sixth floor.Halfway through the climb, I suddenly felt a little wronged. I would occasionally feel a lot of sentimentality and think about things, so I went upstairs and entered the dormitory all the way wronged.
The door of the dormitory was open, and a boy greeted me with a smile when he saw me.He helped me carry the suitcase in, and I stood at the door, my heart beating like a car that was seriously speeding and was about to crash into an accident.
My heart that had been silent for 18 years was finally revived in this boy's smile.
However, this recovery was too violent.My ears were filled with the sound of my intense heartbeat, my hands were shaking, and something seemed to be about to burst out of my mouth.I took a slight step forward, the man put down my suitcase and turned around, his bright eyes were still smiling.
I shut my mouth tightly and smiled back at him.I thanked him, but didn't have the nerve to ask his name.
Fortunately, he is not as silent as I am.
"My name is Yang Shuo. We will be roommates living in the same room from now on. Please take care of me."
"Ah, my name is Cheng Wei'an, please take care of me."
I am actually not used to introducing myself to others. First, I am not very good at communicating with people. Second, I always feel very uncomfortable when I say my name.
"Well, Wei An, where are you from?" Yang Shuo asked me.
"People from Lincheng, I have been there since I was a child, and this is the first time I have traveled far." I didn't dare to look him in the eyes, so I started to make the bed.
Yang Shuo leaned forward and said, "Do you want me to help? Anyway, mine is already sorted."
I said: "Hey, don't bother you, I can do it myself."
"This is no trouble, we are all friends." After talking, Yang Shuo came to help me make the bed. The quilts were uniformly distributed by the school, and they were all of the same style.I looked at the same quilt as his, and the corners of my mouth couldn't help but turn up.
The second roommate also arrived.Yang Shuo approached enthusiastically, and during the conversation, he knew that his roommate was Yi Ran, a local.Yang Shuo introduced me to Yi Ran. I was always embarrassed to speak to people I didn't know well, so I had to smile at him.
The last person in the dormitory never came.
The three of us went to the cafeteria to have dinner together, and got acquainted with the school environment by the way.Both Yang Shuo and Yi Ran are generous and talkative people. They walked side by side and had endless topics to talk about.I walked behind very consciously, and felt a little pitiful, so I flipped through my phone absent-mindedly.
Yang Shuo turned his head and gave me a hand: "Don't play with your mobile phone while walking, you don't talk to us very much."
Yi Ran said: "I think Wei An is a very shy boy."
I said: "I'm actually, um, just arrived in the new environment, and I'm still a little uncomfortable. After a long time, my nature will be exposed, and your first impression may be subverted by then haha."
Yi Ran smiled: "I'm looking forward to it."
Because Yang Shuo gave me a hand, I was on the same line with them. Yang Shuo also deliberately leaned towards me in the conversation with Yi Ran, and wanted to bring me into their conversation. After returning to the dormitory, I was in their A lot more comfortable in front of me.But Yang Shuo soon made me more uncomfortable.When he came out of the bathroom, I was packing my pajamas. When I heard the movement, I looked up and my face became hot immediately.
He only wore a bath towel around his waist, and his perfect muscles were exposed to the air.His hair was wet and drooping very docilely, and his eyes were full of water vapor, which made his already handsome face more ignorant and beautiful, with a great affinity and impact.
It's almost seducing someone to death.
Yi Ran whistled beside him, and said loudly: "Yang Shuo, you are in good shape!"
I grabbed my pajamas and said, "Yi Ran, I'm going to wash it first." After speaking, I bypassed Yang Shuo and went into the bathroom pretending to be calm.
The moment the door was closed, my heart beat violently as if a person with a long reflection arc had finally come to his senses.I clutched my chest, smelling the fragrance of shower gel in the bathroom, my mind was in chaos, it was Yang Shuo's smile for a while, Yang Shuo's abdominal muscles for a while, and inexplicable words for a while.
Until I lay down on the bed, my thoughts still drifted away like unrestrained.
The first two days of school were very leisurely, and the counselor told us about the admission requirements and psychology. , and repeatedly emphasized the importance of military training.
Formal military training begins on the third day.
That morning I held the camouflage uniform with a hundred reluctances in my heart, but Yang Shuo and Yi Ran put it on without saying a word, and Yi Ran complained that it was too ugly.In this way, it's not easy for me to tweak it secretly, not to mention that Yang Shuo is still as handsome as ever in this camouflage uniform.But I was different. After I put it on, I felt that I was more than a little ugly. I lowered the brim of my hat very low, and walked out with my head buried.
Yang Shuo pulled me back. He tore off my hat, threw me a tube of sunscreen, and said, "Wipe it on, or it will be so dark."
The students of our two majors formed a platoon, and I changed from being next to Yang Shuo to being in front of Yang Shuo.In my heart, I have beaten the man next to Yang Shuo thousands of times.
This position made me suffer a lot. When I thought of Yang Shuo behind me, I became very nervous.This nervousness made me stand still and straight like a mountain when I stood in the military posture. Even the instructors praised me as a model in the military posture, and I was sore after the military posture.
When practicing going forward in a row, if he walks first, it is a good time for me to relax and watch him. If I walk first, it is when I am stiff and nervous, and the instructor will point at my nose and scold me. I.
I can't allow myself to practice comfortably under his gaze. When I think that he can see me, I want to show my perfect side, but things are not satisfactory, and I often get myself into embarrassment.
During military training, morning exercises are required in the morning, and one has to get up at six o'clock, and one hour of rest after breakfast is followed by training.I was severely sleep deprived, and I used up all my spare time to catch up on sleep. During the break in the middle of training, Yang Shuo couldn't resist the deep sleepiness in front of me.
I hugged my knees and fell asleep in the same position as others.There was a gust of wind blowing in the haze, and it was like entering heaven in this hot summer day. I was about to fall into a deeper sleep in the cool wind, when something hit my back lightly.I straightened up in a jerk and looked back, Yang Shuo was fanning me with his military cap. "I accidentally hit you." He looked at his phone, "There is still time, let's sleep a little longer."
In a daze, I hugged my knees again and fell asleep, and when I fell asleep, I was sober.
I think, he will always pull me step by step into the abyss from which I cannot extricate myself.
I struggled hard, but he was unflappable.
Universities don’t have teachers restricting them from falling in love like high school. Men and women are always more liberal than high school.Yang Shuo is tall, handsome, and has a good personality. During the rest time, there are always three or two girls around him.
I hugged my knees and buried my head, but I couldn't fall asleep when I should be sleepy.
I understand that there are not many people who like men like me, and I have never thought about letting go and boldly pursuing Yang Shuo. I don't want to drag him into the quagmire. This secret love will eventually end without a problem.Yet I couldn't stop myself from paying attention to his every move.I listened to him chatting and laughing with the girls, and I couldn't stop feeling sour. On the other hand, I couldn't stop being happy that he continued to fan me.
I never thought that liking someone would make me tangled up like this, sadness and joy seem to merge and seesaw, like crazy.
The weather in September is so sweltering, with waves of heat hitting everyone like they're dying, I really don't want to leave the air-conditioned room for a second.
I curled up in the bed, the alarm clock vibrated twice, I reached out to turn it off, and continued to sleep with my head covered.
Yang Shuo knew my virtues, and he would knock on my bedside to wake me up when he and Yi Ran were done cleaning up.
I brushed my teeth and washed my face in a daze, and Yi Ran called out: "There are still 5 minutes!"
As soon as I opened my eyes, I flicked the washcloth, picked up my phone and ran: "Hurry up, I'm going to be late!"
Yang Shuo and Yi Ran laughed loudly from behind.I looked down at the time, there were still 7 minutes left, and I realized that I was being played by Yi Ran.
I turned back and kicked him angrily.
"Haha, you idiot!"
I replied: "You are mentally retarded!" Then I kicked him again.
He yelled and hid aside, saying: "Yang Shuo also participated, why did you just kick me and scold me instead of kicking him and scolding him?"
"Your heart is so bad, you still want to drag Yang Shuo into the water." I wanted to kick him again, but Yang Shuo pulled me.
He said: "Stop making trouble, you childish ghosts, it's time to go."
Yi Ran clutched her chest: "Tsk tsk, Cheng Wei'an, you broke my heart, you know how to protect Yang Shuo, I was completely sincere but you blasted me into scum, ah! God!" I looked at the actor's upper body in disgust Yi Ran felt like rubbing him into the toilet pit.
Yang Shuo smiled and pushed my back and walked out, saying: "Don't pay attention to him."
Me: "Well, good."
Yi Ran: "Hey, wait for me!"
Being beaten up by Yi Ran, I dozed off for more than half of the time, and became much more energetic.But after morning exercises, people become drowsy again.
Yang Shuo asked me what to eat, I shook my head and said, "I don't have much appetite, I don't want to have breakfast, you go and eat, I'm going back to the dormitory first."
When I got back to the dormitory, I fell asleep. Yi Ran woke me up at eight o'clock. When I was washing my face, Yang Shuo teased me and said, "I've never seen you so sleepy. You're a lazy pig."
I pouted, I'm not a little lazy pig, I'm a big lazy pig, hehe.
Military training is boring, every day under the same hot sun, listening to repeated orders and performing repeated actions, the suffocating silence is mixed with the billowing heat.
I half-closed my eyes and mechanically carried out the instructor's order.Sweat drenched my clothes and pants, making them sticky and sticky. In such a hot weather, my physical exertion was even more serious. I didn't have breakfast, and now I was hungry and weak.Looking forward to the lunch break, I took off my hat to fan the wind, wishing I could fly to the cafeteria.
Yi Ran was asking: "What shall we eat?"
I said, "Everything is fine."
Yang Shuo shook his hat and said, "Let's go eat Malatang, I haven't eaten for a long time."
Yi Ran and I agreed, so we went to the cafeteria and ordered Mala Tang, packed it and went back to the dormitory to eat with the air conditioner blowing.
In the afternoon, I still practiced walking, and my stomach began to hurt. I didn't pay much attention to it. This happens often, and the pain subsides after a while.
But I underestimated this stomachache.After the instructor ordered a rest, I was so painful that I couldn't straighten up.
I sat on the ground and gritted my teeth. I didn't tell anyone, and I couldn't speak because of the pain.The pain stimulated the lacrimal glands, but I felt convulsed and thought that I couldn't cry outside, it would be too embarrassing.Many messy pictures flashed in my mind, and suddenly I missed home, and couldn't help sobbing softly.
Yang Shuo noticed my abnormality, patted my shoulder and asked me what was wrong.I didn't dare to look up, I gritted my teeth, and said in a voice like a mosquito: "I... my stomach hurts... my stomach hurts..."
Yang Shuo heard it clearly, and said, "Wait a minute." He went to explain my situation to the instructor, and took a tissue when he came back.He lifted my face a little, and a piece of paper covered my whole face.
"I'll wipe your sweat for you. Can you go? If you can't, I'll carry you on your back."
I naturally don't want to be carried by anyone, especially him, but I struggled a few times, not to mention standing up, and I couldn't straighten my waist, it was too painful.
Yang Shuo grabbed my arm and turned me on his back.I buried my head in the nest of his neck and pretended to be an ostrich.
When I arrived at the school infirmary, the doctor was watching TV with great interest. He put me down, turned to the school doctor and said, "Doctor, he has a severe stomachache."
The doctor clicked his tongue in annoyance, and turned to face us. He asked me some things, then prescribed some stomach medicine for me, gave me some instructions, and then went to watch his TV again.
Yang Shuo carried the medicine and carried me back to the dormitory.
"It's all my fault. Letting you eat spicy soup made you suffer from stomach problems." Yang Shuo blamed himself on the way, and then blamed me again, "You too, don't pay attention to your stomach, I said eat spicy soup Don't you know how to object? You don't even say you have a stomach problem, just resist it, and think that you have a strong stomach?"
Yang Shuo carried me up to the sixth floor without panting. I sat on the chair and saw him doing this and that for me, and suddenly I wanted to laugh.At that moment, I thought, what would his attitude be if I expressed my feelings to him?I'm afraid they will stay away from me like the plague. How can you worry about me like this?Thinking of this, I feel very uncomfortable.Yang Shuo had already brought the water and medicine in front of me, and said: "After taking the medicine, go to bed and lie down. If you still feel uncomfortable, call me... Forget it, I will watch over you, give me the cup, you Can you go up?"
The worst period of stomach pain has passed, I wanted to tell him not to guard me, but after thinking about it, he still needs less sunshine here, so I kept my mouth shut.
I climbed into bed, curled up and closed my eyes and fell asleep.
This sleep is extremely restless, I have been dreaming, one incomplete dream after another.I dreamed that Yang Shuo hugged me and said that I was clingy, and the scene turned to him looking at me indifferently, and the people around him pointed at me, and their words mingled together and went straight to my ears. I couldn't hear a word clearly, but I could hear what he said clearly, word for word.He said: "You disgusting gay, get away from me!"
I was pale and tried to say something, but my throat seemed to be blocked and I couldn't say a word.
Yang Shuo turned and left in disgust. I was startled and hurried to catch up, but Yang Shuo went further and further away.The people around me surrounded me and pointed their fingers at the tip of my nose. They all had expressions of disgust and hatred.
"I didn't expect there to be someone like you in our school, bah, it's really shameless to like men!"
"Disgusting, you are disgusting!"
"People like you still have the face to live, and you are not afraid of being punished by God! If it were me, I would have died long ago!"
"I heard that those homosexuals are very chaotic, and there are a lot of people who get sick. Cheng Wei'an, do you get sick..."
"Go to hell you!..."
Everyone is attacking me, they look at me like a monster, guarding against me, as if they will attack me in groups in the next second.
But what did I do wrong?I screamed silently with tears in my eyes.
What am I doing wrong?I just fell in love with a person, and this person is the same gender as me.
They are also likes, why is my like so disgusted by others?
It's true that I like men, but I didn't mess around! ...I just like him, just like...Yang Shuo...
"Cheng Wei'an, Cheng Wei'an!"
I woke up suddenly, and I saw Yang Shuo's anxious face.
"Why are you crying all of a sudden? Is it the pain or is it a nightmare?"
I reached out and touched my face, only to realize that my face was full of tears from crying.
"Stomach pain?" Yang Shuo asked me.
I shake my head.Thinking back to the dream just now, the dream seemed to be covered with a layer of water mist, which was vague and unreal. I only remembered the deep-seated pain in the dream, and I still felt palpitations when I recalled it.Yang Shuo wiped my tears with a tissue, and comforted me by saying, "Nightmare is nothing to be afraid of, just watch a horror movie."
Me: "...I dare not watch horror movies."
"A big man doesn't even dare to look at this?" Yang Shuo immediately laughed at me mercilessly, "You coward haha."
My face was expressionless: "Stomach hurts."
Yang Shuo paused: "Okay, okay, it's time for dinner, I'll go down and buy you a bowl of porridge, do you want white porridge, vegetable porridge or meat porridge?"
"Vegetable porridge."
"Okay you."
Yang Shuo Shi ran away, and when he came back, Yi Ran trailed behind him.
As soon as Yi Ran came back, she exclaimed exaggeratedly: "Xiao Anzi, what's the matter with you? We've only known each other for a few weeks, are you going to leave me? Woohoo, I don't want to part with it, don't worry, I will definitely search for good doctors Heal you!"
Yang Shuo covered his face without saying a word.I poked my head and looked at Yi Ran quietly: "I just have a stomachache, and it doesn't hurt much now, please stop your exaggerated desire to perform."
Yi Ran curled her lips and returned to normal: "When Yang Shuo carried you away, I was so worried, and the instructor refused to let me go. It's really inhumane."
I laughed: "Could it be that you want to skip training and use me as an excuse."
Yi Ran was aggrieved and said: "Xiao Anzi, how can you miss me like this, I am really worried about you."
I bared my teeth and threatened him: "Don't call me Xiao Anzi, or I will kick you to death."
Yi Ran followed kindness and said, "Wei An."
Yang Shuo: "Weian, do you want to come down to eat porridge or eat it on the bed?"
"I'll come down to eat, you can put the porridge on the table." I said, got up and went down, sat at the table and ate the porridge.
I wiped away the porridge that had spilled on the table, and when I threw the trash sideways, I caught a glimpse of Yang Shuo leaning on his table and looking at me with complicated and incomprehensible eyes.
I was slightly startled, and turned to look at him, only to see him looking down at his phone, as if what I just saw was a hallucination.
I never thought about the question of whether Yang Shuo has a girlfriend, or in other words, I have been avoiding this question.
But one day, a girl in class came to me and asked me: "Cheng Wei'an, do you know if Yang Shuo has a girlfriend?"
I said, "Didn't you have a good chat? Didn't you ask him?"
The girl bit her lip, a little annoyed: "I asked, but he just refused to say, you are in the same dormitory, and you play well, so I came to ask if you know."
"I don't know, he didn't say that." I couldn't wait to leave, "I have to leave first." "Hey, wait." The girl grabbed me, "Please, you can help me ask, Please."
I didn't know how to refuse her at all, and I was annoyed that I ran too slowly to get myself into such an embarrassing problem.
I rushed upstairs angrily, the sound of the door opening startled Yi Ran who was playing the game fiercely, I turned my eyes and didn't see Yang Shuo.
Yi Ran looked at me in fear, and asked me: "What's wrong with you?"
"Someone asked me to ask Yang Shuo if he has a girlfriend!"
Yi Ran put down his phone and looked at me with a frown. There was some emotion in his eyes that I couldn't understand. He said, "Wei An, are you, do you like Yang Shuo?"
As soon as his words came out, I was replaced by the frightened person.My heart was pounding, and I denied it tremblingly: "I, how could I, I am a man, and he is also a man."
Yi Ran sighed, with a calm tone, comforting me: "You don't need to deny me in a hurry, if you like it, you like it, I can tell, because we are the same kind of people."
I was extremely surprised and asked back: "You like men too?!"
"What's that expression on your face? Please keep calm."
"Okay," I said, but I couldn't compose myself.I didn't expect Yi Ran to be gay, nor did I expect there to be gays around me.Yi Ran is obviously much calmer and more enlightened than me.
"And." Yi Ran threw a bomb at me, "I have a boyfriend."
I was blown to pieces, and I forced myself to ask: "Is he gay too?"
Yi Ran nodded.I suddenly became depressed: "But, Yang Shuo is not."
"Then what do you plan to do?"
"Me? No, I don't know, I'm struggling, I, I don't dare."
I knew from the beginning that this love would not have any good results, after all, it is such a taboo emotion.I want to express my heart to him, and want to pursue him for nothing, but I dare not, I am afraid that he will hate me and stay away from me, I am afraid that I will pull him into the quagmire and cannot get out, I am afraid that he will be pointed at by others, I am afraid, I was terrified.
I was silent for a long time.When Yang Shuo came back, I thought of that girl, so I went to ask him.
Yang Shuo looked at me suspiciously and asked, "Why are you asking this all of a sudden?"
I faltered: "Someone asked me to ask."
Yang Shuo understood: "Those girls, just tell them that I have a girlfriend."
"Ah, yes, I have a girlfriend." My heart felt sore for a moment, I lowered my head and blinked my watery eyes.Yang Shuo looked at me with a smile in his eyes: "Actually, I don't have any, but they are always pestering and annoying."
"Huh? You didn't talk about your girlfriend!" I was surprised, and I raised my head suddenly, my eyes seemed to be shining.He doesn't have a girlfriend, I smiled silly.
Yang Shuo seemed to be laughed out of anger, but his eyes were very gentle.He said, "Hey, what do you mean, am I so funny that I don't have a girlfriend?"
I quickly shook my head and flattered me: "I didn't laugh at you, and I don't have a girlfriend either."
As soon as the news that Yang Shuo had a girlfriend came out, many girls were very regretful, and consciously did not go to Yang Shuo's side.But there is a girl who still doesn't give up and chases after Yang Shuo in different ways every day. Yang Shuo clearly told her that it is impossible and failed to dispel her thoughts.
That was Zhan Yu from the class next door. He was pretty, but he looked like he was not easy to mess with.
Classes start at 07:30 in the morning, Yang Shuo and Yi Ran can get up at [-]:[-] at first, and go to have breakfast after washing up.But now, they have been infected by my inertia. They can only get up at [-]:[-], then wake me up, and go directly to the classroom after washing.
It's ten o'clock after one class, and there are 10 minutes before the next class. Yang Shuo Yiran went to the cafeteria to buy breakfast, and I continued to catch up on sleep or play with my mobile phone.
One hand stuck to my face and rubbed vigorously a few times.I pushed the hand away, looked up, and Yang Shuo was looking at me with a smile.He handed me breakfast, and by the way gave me a brain crash.
"You are heartless, just sleep, but if you don't sleep, you want me to bring you breakfast, and you won't bring me breakfast."
I smiled doglegly: "It's my life's good fortune to have you, it's so kind of you."
So Yi Ran got a brain collapse and a supercilious look.
I don't like the girl Zhan Yu, especially when I saw her by Yang Shuo's side.
We were seated for four, and a seat was vacant.Zhan Yu pretended to be shy while holding the food plate and asked her if she could sit here. I almost wanted to show her a cold face and tell her not to sit.But I'm a big man, it's not easy to touch a girl's face, so I had to grit my teeth and swallow it.
With a blank face and a violent heart, I kept poking at the dishes on the plate, scolding Zhan Yu for clinging to the boys shamelessly, scolding Yang Shuo for not being firm enough, saying girls are annoying but not refusing their approach.The meal was so tasteless that I put down my chopsticks after I took two bites.
Yi Ran looked at me clearly, with the four characters "You Coward" clearly written in his eyes.
I pretended not to see it, lowered my head and pretended to look at my mobile phone, but in fact, with my ears up, I listened to the conversation of a man and a woman opposite.
Zhan Yu kept picking topics. At first, Yang Shuo still had to answer all questions. While chatting, he suddenly became absent-minded. Zhan Yu said a lot of things, and only then did he hear an interjection such as "uh, uh, uh, uh, etc., which suddenly came to his senses."
Embarrassed and annoyed, Zhan Yu hurried away, and I looked up at her back.
Yang Shuo said: "Eat such a small amount, you will be hungry after a while."
I snorted, "I'm full."
Yang Shuo looked at me strangely, and said nothing.
This incident inexplicably became an issue, an issue that caused a cold war between me and Yang Shuo.To be honest, I didn't understand what happened, and I felt that Yang Shuo and I were alienated for no reason.
He didn't talk to me, and I didn't care about him. I had a cold war with him for a week.Yi Ran tried to ease our relationship, but failed.
This week, I was extremely diligent. I got up at seven o'clock in the morning, and Yang Shuo and Yi Ran didn't get up until after washing up.I picked up the book, said something to Yi Ran and went out, without looking at Yang Shuo during the whole process.
I am very surprised that I can ignore Yang Shuo so calmly and smoothly.But think about it, the reason for our cold war is strange, but he doesn't talk to me, so I just ignore him.
Yi Ran's boyfriend came to find him without telling him on the weekend, which was a big surprise that was caught off guard.But obviously, Yang Shuo and I were the ones who were surprised, and Yi Ran was the one who was happy.
Yi Ran was overjoyed, threw herself into his boyfriend's arms regardless of others, and kissed him firmly.
Yang Shuo's expression changed from astonishment to horror.But I am very calm, maybe I understand that Yang Shuo is different from me and Yi Ran.
Yi Ran took his boyfriend out, and Yang Shuo went out afterward.I was lying on the table, listening to the music in the earphones.The tone is slow and sad, and the people are unhappy.
I'm always easy to be dominated by others, and Yang Shuo was kind to me, so I was overwhelmed by the excitement for a moment, forgetting the gulf between us.Now, I finally remembered that this feeling was destined to be buried deeply.
In a daze, I heard the door opening.Someone seemed to walk up to me, and I adjusted my breathing to look like I was asleep.
I know that Yang Shuo is back, but I don't want to see him.
A hand gently landed on my face, and I heard Yang Shuo sigh and mutter: "Wei An..." I suddenly felt wronged, when I finally calmed down and remembered this unethical relationship, you suddenly Come near me again and give me false illusions.
Am I thinking too much, or are you doing it on purpose?
But in the end I was sunk.
The cold war between me and Yang Shuo is over.
This inexplicable and short-lived cold war made the relationship between me and Yang Shuo also wonderful.
We seem to be the same as ordinary brothers, and it seems that we have surpassed the feelings of brothers.I was indulging in this ambiguous atmosphere, reluctant to give up, not daring to think more about his thoughts.
Occasionally, Yi Ran would look at me with strange eyes and ask me if I was dating Yang Shuo.I shook my head in denial, and he frowned, held back for a long time, and said to me: "Then what are you guys doing now? Are you having an affair? You dare not express your feelings, I understand, what about him? Are you sure about his orientation?" If, I mean if, we are all brothers, there are some things I don’t want to happen, I don’t want to see any of you sad, but you have to think clearly, in case he really only likes women, and you from time to time Is the ambiguity just because you are curious about homosexuality? You keep getting addicted to it, getting deeper and deeper, and when he gets away easily, what will you do?"
I smiled wryly: "Yi Ran, sometimes I really envy you, but I... But even if I know, I don't want to stay away from him, you understand this feeling..."
"But you were the one who got hurt in the end."
"At least I can still have a good time worth remembering, Yi Ran, otherwise I really have nothing."
Yi Ran was so angry that he knocked on my head, and he clicked his tongue: "When the time comes, don't cry!"
Yi Ran's words lingered in my mind, binding me like a chain.
I tossed and turned, looking at the back of Yang Shuo's head opposite me with the light from the window.
What on earth do you mean to me?
Zhan Yu delivered food to Yang Shuo every day, sometimes breakfast and sometimes snacks, all of which went into my stomach.One day, Zhan Yu came back not long after leaving, and happened to bump into me drinking the milk she gave Yang Shuo. After that, when she saw me, she saw me as if she was an enemy, and her eyes were full of hostility.
During the class break, I held the phone on my lap with one hand and put it on the table with the other bent. I just squinted my eyes and fell asleep when the phone vibrated, and I opened my eyes to look.
Yang Shuo reached out and rubbed my face, then took my phone away.
"If you're tired, take a good night's sleep."
Yang Shuo turned my phone to silent, and put his hand on my lap.
My attention was instantly drawn to his hands, why sleep?
I stared at his hands for a few minutes, like a hand fetishist, and I was very happy.There's nothing about him that I don't like.
Yang Shuo called out to me softly, I blinked my eyes, and somehow didn't respond to him.He seemed to think I fell asleep—I usually fell asleep very quickly, basically falling asleep immediately after closing my eyes.
Yang Shuo moved his hand, gently and very slowly, he took my hand.
There was a bang in my head, as if it was overwhelming, but my breathing and heartbeat were abnormally normal, and there was no fever on my cheeks.
I stared at the hand that was intertwined with him, feeling numb in my heart, and wanted to pull him back.
But Yang Shuo withdrew his hand.I heard the sound of the chair being pulled in front of me, followed by Yi Ran's voice.I was very sorry, at this moment I felt that the hand on the pillow was sore and numb, which was extremely uncomfortable, but if it moved, it would inevitably appear deliberate, so I had to bear it by myself.
"Hey, Wei An, wake up." Yi Ran pushed my shoulder.
I half-closed my eyes, looking unhappy that my dream was interrupted, but I bowed to Yi Ran in my heart, saving my poor arm.
Yi Ran glanced at me inexplicably, and I immediately sat up straight and didn't dare to act like a monster: "Do you always have something to tell me?"
Yi Ran smiled with satisfaction, and said: "Gao Yu is coming over this Saturday, and we talked about going to have a meal together then."
"Can I not go?" I don't want to be shown by you! I growled.
Yi Ran had a proud expression that could not be rejected: "I can't."
I glanced at Yang Shuo, thinking that he would probably not agree to this kind of dinner.But without thinking too much, he agreed.
...I had to...eat dog food next to a knife...
After the continuous rain, the sun was finally willing to step out of the house, and the warm sunshine poured down from the sky, covering the campus in a golden color.
When people walk in the sun, they all seem to be radiant, warm and lazy.
We only had one class in the afternoon. After the class, Yang Shuo and I moved the stools to the roof above the dormitory to sit and bask in the sun.
The sunlight made my eyes hurt when looking at the phone, so I simply turned off the phone and concentrated on basking in the sun.
Yang Shuo watched it very enthusiastically.I curled my lips, pointing my fingers in a bored way of wandering.Yang Shuo pinched my face and said, "I seem to have lost an eyelash in my eye, and I can't get it out. Help me get it out."
I looked closer, but I didn't see the eyelashes first, but I saw Yang Shuo's pupils dilated obviously.I was slightly startled, and tilted my head back. The sunlight hit his eyes again, and his pupils began to shrink.
I haven't noticed this kind of thing before, and I was curious for a while.He shook his head back and forth several times.
Yang Shuo was so angry with me, he grabbed my hand and said helplessly: "If you want to play, at least help me get my eyelashes out first, it's uncomfortable."
Well, I stopped this childish behavior and pulled his eyelids to get out the eyelashes that fell in.
Then, I continued with this childish behavior.Yang Shuo was also very cooperative, opening his eyes and slowing down the blinking frequency.
I raised my hand and moved forward and backward for a while, watching his pupils keep expanding and shrinking due to the change of light.
Yang Shuo has beautiful eyes.In the middle of the brown irises, no matter whether the pupil expands or shrinks, it only contains my figure.It made me feel like I was loved by him with all my heart.
My maintaining this childish behavior seems to have aroused his interest, and he imitated me with great interest, watching my pupils shrinking constantly.I tilted my head slightly, looking almost obsessively at his face so close.
Yang Shuo suddenly covered my eyes, rubbed my face, and said: "Okay
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