[Net King] Take away my heart

on all pages read

on all the blank pages

stone, blood, blank paper or ashes

i write your name

— Paule Luard

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The nurse took away the tray in front of me.

"Yukimura-kun, you also ate a lot today." The nurse looked at the empty plate and said in a relieved tone, "We are relieved to see you like this."

Everyone is saying that I look healthier than ever, and even I have the illusion that I am recovering from time to time.

Although he ate a lot, his weight did not return to the admission standard as expected.When I stood on the scale and the nurses found that my weight hadn’t changed, they immediately cheered me up and said, “It’s okay, just eat a little more, and I will definitely gain weight next time.”

I miss my mother's cooking, and I haven't been able to go home to eat her cooking since I was admitted to the hospital.But I can't ask my mother to cook it for me, because both her and my father are running around to raise medical expenses.I even rarely have the chance to meet them face to face. Jiayin said that they work part-time day and night, and there is almost no time to stop and rest.

For a long time, my mother didn't come to the hospital. My father always came to take a quick look at me and then went back to work.Even Jiayin, who came to the hospital every day to take care of me, showed signs of getting busy. She no longer showed up at a fixed time, but often came for an hour or two at night.

what are you doingWhat are you busy with?I wanted to ask, but didn't.I didn't know until my mother came to the hospital that she was ill and unable to work for a period of time due to overwork. Jiayin seemed to be looking for ways to subsidize her family during this period.

Everyone is doing their best for my recovery, and because they don't want me to worry, no one even told me that my mother was ill.Seeing everyone working so hard, I can't help you. Maybe the only way to repay everyone is to get better. But, will I really get better?Halfway through my food, I can't help but stop and think this way.

Doctors and nurses seem to be more gentle with me than ever.After I stopped gaining weight, they started allowing me to eat food brought in from outside the hospital.I don't know if I let my guard down, but the nurse who never let me step out of the ward also started to accompany me for a walk in the courtyard downstairs.

"If Yukimura-kun misses tennis, you can take a racket and move your body a little bit." The doctor who once declared that it was impossible for me to play tennis again suddenly changed his words.

Is it because I'm recovering?Is it because I'm going to get better?Regarding their subtle change of attitude, I once thought it was a sign of good news.

During my infusion, Jiayin often curled up in a chair beside her with a notebook in her hand, writing something seriously in the notebook.The infusion took a long time. When I fell asleep and woke up in a daze, four or five hours had passed, and Jiayin still kept the original posture, writing non-stop.

"Are you writing poetry?" I couldn't help asking Jiayin.

I know that she once formed a poetry club with Liu, but since Miyake's death, I have rarely seen her write again.

"No." She shook her head, keeping her eyes on the notebook, "I don't write poems anymore."

"So……?"

"It's a little homework." Jiayin replied softly.

"Really, Li Hai has become so scary." I smiled, "I'll give you homework that you can't finish in four or five hours."

She said nothing.After writing in the notebook for a while, Jiayin said silently: "I want to help Mom and Dad. So...do what I can."

I quickly understood what the so-called "whatever I can do" meant.I looked at Jiayin's hand holding the ballpoint pen tightly, and for a moment I wanted to tell her to stop, but then I realized that I, lying here, have no right to tell her to do anything, nor to tell her not to do anything.

"... thank you very much." I realized that there was nothing I could do but say this.

"Compared with Mom and Dad, it's not hard work." Jiayin lowered her head, "Anyway, it's just writing... I like writing."

She loosened her hand holding the ballpoint pen, and sometimes clenched it tightly.

"I know that Jiayin is working hard for me just like Mom and Dad." I sighed, "However, doing so should be considered a violation of school rules... You have to be careful not to be discovered by Sanada and the others."

"He has already discovered it." Jiayin stopped what she was doing, as if she was thinking about something.

"So, Sanada didn't say anything?"

"……No."

Jiayin regained her grip on the pen and started writing in the notebook again.She seemed to be unwilling to say anything.

"Jiayin, besides Sanada, does anyone else know about this...?"

"Well... yes."

"Is it Liu?"

She looked up at me, said nothing, then lowered her head again.

"I'm most worried about Sanada, because he has always had principles in doing things. If he knows that you are doing these things..." I thought about it, and smiled helplessly, "Since he knows, he didn't say anything. , Then Liu wouldn't say anything, those two people... seem to be very tolerant to you."

Jiayin's pen stops and writes, and writes and writes.

"I don't go to school, so I can't stay by your side all the time, and I don't know if you will be bullied. So I often hope that someone can protect you instead of me." I stared at the slowly flowing liquid in the infusion tube , "Jiayin, are you close to Liu and the others?... If you can become friends with someone you trust, they can protect you when I'm not around, and I'll probably feel a little more at ease."

The air in the ward was a bit dull, maybe because I said something against my will inadvertently.

"I'm no longer a member of the poetry club."

Jiayin closed the notebook and put away the ballpoint pen.

"You don't have to worry... There is a very reliable person who is helping me. He only introduces friends he knows, and no one will tell about it."

"Can you tell me who that person is?"

I turned my head to look at Jiayin, and Jiayin also looked up at me.

"It's Liu Sheng."

she replied.

"Oh... what's wrong with Yukimura-kun? Is today's meal not to your liking?"

The nurse who was able to take away the empty plates every time showed a surprised expression when she saw that more than half of my plate was left unfinished.

"Sorry, the food was delicious, but I was full when I was halfway through it..." I felt a little guilty for wasting food.

"Oh, it's all right, just eat enough." The nurse said with a smile, "Mr. Yukimura's parents are here today. After the doctor finishes talking with them, let them take you out to eat." food."

"Does the nurse know what they are talking about? Today seems to be longer than usual."

"Ah, I don't know about that." The nurse thought for a while and said, "But it should be...good news or something like that?"

Good news, huh?

Mom and Dad will come to the hospital regularly to listen to the doctor's report about my condition. I don't know why only this time they talked longer than usual.After Mom and Dad entered the doctor's office, they hadn't come out for more than two hours.

As usual, Jiayin sat on a chair and wrote.She spread out the notebook on her lap, and bent down to write on her lap, looking a bit strenuous.

"Come here and write? I have a table on my hospital bed."

I set out the table for the meal, and called to Jiayin to let her sit here.

Jiayin sat obediently by my bed with a notebook and ballpoint pen, and began to write on my dining table.She lowered her head, writing earnestly like a hard-working primary school student, perhaps because her parents are not far away, she looks more silent and well-behaved than usual.

I quietly stretched out my hand, and lovingly touched her curly haired little head with an extremely slight force.It may be that she was so focused that Jiayin didn't feel anything, and didn't even raise her head.

I laughed, and then she noticed something, and raised her neck blankly.

"Jiayin, have you seen the boy who lives in the next ward these days?" I asked.

"The one in the next ward...? It seems that there is no..."

The boy who lives in the next ward is a child who suffers from a chronic illness like me and has been hospitalized for a long time.Because I don’t go out of the ward very often, I don’t have the opportunity to communicate with him, but the nurses who take care of us are from the same group, and I occasionally hear something about the next ward from the nurse.

"I haven't heard the nurse mention it recently, and I haven't seen his family members coming in and out of the ward. He must have been discharged from the hospital."

"Well, it's possible." Jiayin nodded.

"Jiayin has met him before, right? He looks a little younger than me, maybe he's in elementary school."

"Yes, last time I saw him in the courtyard, playing football with the nurse."

"So energetic?"

"Well, so it should be cured and discharged."

"That's really... great."

The ward where I live was once known as a place where once you get in, you can never get out.The people who live here are chronically ill, complicated and incurable. The little boy next door and I belong to this category.

Now he's out of the hospital, which is something to be happy about, normally the nurses would have told me the good news, but I didn't hear about it from anyone, which is strange.

"The doctor hasn't finished yet..." I looked towards the door of the ward.

"It's almost over. It's been more than two hours."

As soon as Jiayin finished speaking, footsteps came from the corridor.Soon, Mom and Dad appeared at the door of the ward together with the nurse.

As usual, the nurse greeted Jiayin with a smile, and then briefly explained what the doctor reported today.Mom and Dad sat down on the sofa, listening to the nurse's words in a daze.They didn't look at me, or at the good news, but stared at a certain point, their eyes were empty.

"The doctor gave Yukimura-kun special permission. If you want to go home for two days, or go to a nearby place to play, you can agree. Of course, places too far away are not good, but two or three days of vacation are good enough, right? ? If Mom and Dad are with you, we can relax together..."

That sounds like good news indeed.Jiayin turned around and asked "Really?" The nurse replied with certainty, "Of course it is true", but Mom and Dad didn't respond to this.

"In this case, will you be able to leave the hospital soon...?" Jiayin's expression seemed uncertain, but there was hope in his eyes.

"Ah... this... anyway..." Speaking of this, the nurse hesitated for some reason.

"The kid next door, Jiayin and I haven't seen him much recently." I asked, "Has he been discharged from the hospital?"

"Huh?...the one next door?" The nurse blinked and asked back.As if she didn't remember it happening.

"The last time I came here, I saw you playing football with him in the courtyard." Jiayin said, "He looks quite energetic, has he recovered and been discharged from the hospital?... If so, there should be hope for Jingshi. "

Facing the good news, the nurse showed a slightly embarrassed expression.She concealed her answer: "Oh... that child... Uh, he's not in the hospital anyway... Compared to this, isn't it great that Yukimura-kun can walk out of the ward again? Hurry up and discuss with your sister where you want to go to play." Let's go! I've given you much longer time this time, so I won't complain like last time when I only had one day?..."

After a few more pleasantries, the nurse left the ward.Only then did Mom and Dad squeeze a smile from their tired faces, and began to ask me where I wanted to go.

Jiayin forgot that there are still words to write.She sat on the edge of the bed with her hands pressed against her notebook, staring at me intently, waiting for my answer.

Seeing her like this, I couldn't help smiling and reaching out to touch her head.

"Well, I'll think about it."

Jiayin froze for a moment, because she knew that I had never touched her in front of her parents, even if it was just a pat on the head.On the surface, we seem to be a family of four sitting happily in the ward and discussing travel plans, but only I can notice that just because of one of my actions, Jiayin began to become extremely nervous. Unnatural, she chose not to speak anymore.

This was indeed just an unintentional move.

Why can't we touch each other in front of our family?Why is it that just an ordinary action is enough to make us fall into fear?

Her eyes rose and fell, just like the light that flickered under the neon lights that night, not blending in with the world, clear, but faintly suppressed and uneasy.

It's okay, don't be afraid, I always want to tell her that, because I will protect that light from harm.But how can I do it, I don't know.

Because even I am not sure if I will be hurt.

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