Ten Days End

I stared at the cockroach in my hand for a long time, and suddenly smiled.

I have been thinking about others all my life, pursuing fairness from beginning to end, and I regard fairness as the creed of life.

But who in the world has ever thought about me?

I hold the scale in my heart and face the whole world, but I am always shaken and tilted by others.

When everyone introduces me, they say that I am a famous "female" lawyer in Chengdu. I really hate this title.

What I want is equality, not preferential treatment.

I am a lawyer, whether famous or not, why must I emphasize that I am a "female" lawyer? I just want to be like other lawyers. I hope they can see my work ability, not my gender.

But...

These things are not important now.

I just want to drink some water now, and I want to eat something sweet and salty.

My gums are bleeding all the time, they can't stop it.

I may die...

You say... Has anyone died in this room?

Why are there so many scratches on the wall?

Those scratches were not made by me, but they are still clear. Has anyone lived here before?

The next night, Ma the Butcher appeared again.

This time he must have been unable to bear the smell on my body, so he specially pulled a water pipe.

After he opened the door, he sprayed water on me without saying a word, and he recorded the whole process with his mobile phone.

Yes, I look like a pig.

I remember that they butchers used water guns to wash the pigs' bodies.

Now I have no dignity or personality, just a pig to be slaughtered.

Can you kill me?

He washed me for about ten minutes, and most of the dirt and mud on my body were washed away.

Although I look like a pig, I have to say that I feel much more comfortable now than before, at least I am cleaner.

As a person... at least I have to ensure that I am clean, right?

I lay on the ground without any resistance, waiting for Ma the Butcher's "favor".

This absurd life is really ridiculous. My living conditions are no different from those of the pigs in his pigsty.

No... To be precise, raising me is cheaper than raising pigs.

I only need three yuan a day to survive, but pigs can't.

Pigs need to be fat and white to sell for money, but I don't need it.

As long as I have a breath left and am still a living woman, I will still be useful to him.

When Ma the butcher was lying on me and gasping for breath, I said with all my strength: "I can agree to anything... Can you let me go...?"

"Letting you go... is definitely not possible..." He replied with a heavy breath, "At least you have to be locked up for a few years... Wait until those police can't find you..."

A few years...?

Did I hear it wrong?

There are 365 days in a year, right?

I'm going to die after only staying here for 20 days.

How many more years will I stay here?

"I will die..." I couldn't even shed tears, only my voice was choking, "You left me here... I will die... Don't you want me to be your wife? What if I die...?"

"You are my wife now!!" He said forcefully, "It doesn't matter if you die, but give me a baby before you die. If you give birth to a boy, I will let you die."

This kind of life.

It is exactly the same as I imagined in my childhood.

"I promise... I promise to give you a baby..." I cried and said, "Can you let me out..."

"Don't dream, I will take you out if you give birth to a baby!"

Watching him doing dirty things on his own, I felt completely desperate.

He really wanted me to die.

I slowly hugged his neck, opened my mouth forcefully, and bit his artery directly while he was oblivious.

I wanted to kill him.

But I overestimated myself, I had no strength left.

I just hurt him, leaving deep teeth marks. I even felt my teeth loosening, but I still couldn't bite his throat.

He also wailed and stood up, then started punching and kicking me.

I could clearly feel his feet kicking my abdomen, but I couldn't stop it at all.

I would definitely be injured. In this defenseless situation, my internal organs and bones would be injured.

They would accelerate my death.

The next day, I couldn't even crawl up, and could only move on the ground with difficulty.

I kept coughing up blood.

Yesterday, the horse butcher sprinkled water all over the ground here, but there was no drainage outlet here.

All kinds of excrement and dirt on the ground mixed in the water, soaked in moldy hay, and exuded a devastating smell in the summer of July.

And me?

I couldn't stand upCome, I'm swimming in the sewage.

All the dirt is on me, and now I am a pig rolling in the mud.

I keep groping in the sewage, looking for my water and food today.

"Laidi, if you go to the city in the future, go to the police station to change your name as soon as possible."

A voice sounded in my ears. It was my guiding light, my teacher. Her name was different from all the girls in the village. She was not called Lai Di, Zhao Di, Pan Di, or Er Ni or San Ni. Her name was Ning Wan'er.

That year, she and I were standing in front of the lake at the head of the village watching the sunrise.

"Why?" I asked.

"Although you are very good, this name will bring you a lot of trouble." She sighed and said, "I hope you can live a better life, don't be trapped here all your life, you can choose your own life."

At that time, I didn't understand why I was born inferior to others, but I could choose my own life?

"But... what should I call myself?"

"Whatever you like, a name is used to bless your own life, not to bless others' lives." The teacher coughed a few times and continued, "I hope you can be like this lake in the morning. When others give you a little warmth, you will reflect the dazzling sunlight. Even if your bottom is dark and cold, you must repay the world with ripple-like tenderness."

At that time, I didn't understand what the teacher said at all, but I saw her getting more and more haggard.

Lake in the morning?

Now think about it, she must have been sick at that time.

Is she okay? Has she recovered?

Has she lived a healthy life until now?

When I was a child, I never thought of leaving the teacher's contact information, which led to the fact that after so many years, I still couldn't find her.

"Laidi, I've heard a legend." The teacher looked at the lake and smiled at me calmly, "Everything in this world will live in other forms after death."

"What does that mean?"

"If I die one day, I may become a grass, a tree, a flying bird, or a grass insect."

I feel that what the teacher said is very profound, but it feels very interesting.

In other words... Will all people in this world never die?

If they die, they will become other things and live forever in this world in another form.

This sounds fair.

"I hope the teacher will never die." I said to her.

"Why?"

"Because no one in the world is so good to me." I looked at her eyes at that time and felt that she seemed to want to cry, "Teacher, even if you want to become a flying bird, a grass insect or a stone, I don't want you to die."

"Then the teacher knows." She smiled.

Teacher Ning said that she would leave in three days, but she disappeared the next day.

I guess she was in a hurry and returned to the city in advance.