[Fifth Personality] Together forever [Otome, Soul of Umbrella]

...

why...

Why do they pamper you like this... so pampered that you stare out the window in a daze...

How would you respond to reassure them?

Despite what they say, you don't have to feel guilty.How can the wild horses that run wild be under your control, so you can't accept their love and care with peace of mind, let alone be proud of their favor.In the final analysis, you are also because of fear, fear of their dislike of you, fear of their leaving and leaving you behind, because all you have left is them, and you can no longer do without them.

All they want is for you to get well soon, so you can live up to their expectations.So you try to squeeze a smile at them, and pretend to be relaxed and say:

"I'm fine, I'm much better than before, aren't I?"

When you smile, you should make your eyes into the shape of crescent moons, let the lying silkworms lie obediently under your eyes, let the corners of your mouth rise slightly, and make people feel kind like a breeze.The expression that was originally easy, or human beings instinctively, has exhausted your energy.This movement is really too difficult for you now. You have to control the numb and unconscious facial features to make this expression, and you have to raise the low tone like a whisper in your ear, deliberately pretending to be easy...

No, let them rest assured, so it doesn't matter how difficult it is...

But you forget that the people who know you best are none other than them.

"How can it be okay...Don't laugh if you don't want to laugh. At home, in front of us, don't hold on so hard."

You are surprised.

This smile of yours is actually perfect, with the upward curve of the corners of your mouth and the sweet silkworms in your eyes, it is no different from your previous smile, as if you are really fine.But that kind of smile is the same as a distorted film in their eyes.But there is no bright luster in your eyes, the empty and tired look can't be covered up, even Fan Wujiu can't stand it anymore.

"If you're tired, you can rely on me to sleep for a while. It doesn't matter if you can't fall asleep. Close your eyes and listen to the sounds outside."

Fan Wujiu sat down next to you, leaning his body to your side, so that your head could be nestled against his chest.

After going through roller coaster ups and downs, exhausting the little energy left, you are indeed very tired, so you simply obediently leaned on his chest that made you feel a little relieved, and closed your eyes.

"The weather outside today is very good, the sun is warm and warm. The roses downstairs are also blooming, pink, red, yellow... exuding a sweet fragrance. And the grandma upstairs said that you haven't been to Look at her, she misses you... By the way, when I came back from the outside just now, I saw a rainbow, it was very beautiful."

Xie Bi'an took the comb and hair rope from the bedside table and put them on his wrists, gathered your soft hair together and smoothed it out with the comb, then divided your hair into three parts evenly, interlaced them in an orderly manner, and started to braid your hair .He talked about what he saw and heard outside today.

"Ah... It doesn't matter if you lose interest in those things and sights now. They will always be there, waiting for your day to feel them and embrace them."

He braided your braid, tied it at the end with the wrist hair rope, then twisted the excess hair from your temples, pulled it behind your ear, and gently kissed your flawless cheek.

Your eyelashes flutter slightly, but your eyes don't open.

Will it really get better, will there really be a chance to feel the beauty of those things again?

You used to be smart, smart, excellent in all aspects, always with a bright smile, infecting everyone around you, anyone who saw you would praise your sunshine and aura.

But you know, no, it's not like that.

Because you don't know when you discovered your abnormality.

No matter how long you lie down at night, you always wake up at three or four o'clock in the morning and can't fall asleep again. You can only stare at the white ceiling and count the minutes and seconds silently until you get up at dawn.This directly causes you to be tired and unable to concentrate in class during the day.

Then came the drop in grades.

The teacher and your mother were surprised and hated that iron cannot be made into steel.How can a good girl with excellent grades decline in grades for no reason? It must be because she didn't focus on her studies!

You are angry, you are wronged, arguing that you have no intention of not studying, and blaming them for their conclusion.But when they questioned you with your low grades, you were silent and unable to refute.

So under the pressure from both sides, you had no choice but to burn the lamp to study at night, staying up late to study the homework that fell during the day.

Finally, your grades returned to the normal track, but you couldn't sleep at night.

Even though you are sleepy, you close your eyes and lie in bed for hours without falling asleep.When you fall asleep, you always suddenly feel your heart beating very fast, palpitations and dizziness that make you wake up, followed by hysterical near-death feeling and sense of loss of control, making you frightened to the point of going crazy. (Panic disorder) Or you can only be half asleep and half awake, and many hideous and distorted monsters appear in front of you, zooming in, shrinking, and then collapsing, which makes you wake up from the nightmare again and again.

So every morning becomes your most desperate moment.In addition to exhaustion, there is a hollowness in my heart, as if the wind blowing through my body can penetrate from the hollow in my chest to my back.There was nothing there, only endless powerlessness and loss.

You start to become depressed and depressed during the day, and you can't get excited about doing anything.There is also anger and anxiety that can't be suppressed all the time. A little thing can make you go crazy and make you cry.There is another voice in your head that loves to contradict you, screaming, accusing you of being vulnerable and hypocritical.But you still maintain a normal appearance on the surface, and no one knows your discomfort and pain.So you, who are unwilling to confide your pain to others, choose to vent those unspeakable emotions by self-harm.

Self-mutilation...what a disgusting act.It's really disgusting that you are so disgusted with this behavior, but it is effective in deflecting your pain.

The blade cuts the skin, and the dark red blood flows out, making the pain in your heart flow away numbly.The pain in the hands is very shallow, because the body hardly feels pain when it is in pain.

The marks left on your arms are your shame, but you can only accept them now because they exist, because they are alarm bells.

But after the evening, you became very relaxed again, and the big rock that was pressing on your heart disappeared, as if the negative emotions during the day did not exist.

This vicious circle repeats itself all the way to university.

You once again experience insomnia, depression, lack of energy, lack of energy for anything, weight loss, and even want to die that lasted for more than two months.

You also find that it is difficult for you to understand the words and sentences in the book!Although it sounds absurd, those words are really lying on the paper, looking at you with strange eyes, and then grinning, mocking your innocence and uselessness in a twisted way.

Being unable to read and write is such a frustrating thing for you who love writing.

You could no longer hide your haggard complexion, unglamorous eyes, and desperate emotions, so after being cared for by the people around you for the third time and paying attention to your health, you went to the hospital by yourself.

Check it out and it's as you guessed it.

The doctor tells you very seriously that your condition is very serious, and it lasted five full years before you went to see a doctor.

The bitterness in your heart spread to your throat, but you could only swallow the bitterness back, and still asked the doctor unwillingly: "Do I have to take medicine? Can I adjust it myself...?"

Antidepressants have serious side effects, you have heard it said.

The doctor sighed, but still said gently and patiently: "You have been adjusting yourself for five years, haven't you?"

...Yeah, five years, five years have not been able to adjust, and the adjustment cannot be improved.

But you still didn't take the medicine in the end, you also hid the diagnosis statement, and you concealed your illness from others, including your lover Xie Bi'an and Fan Wujiu.Because you don't want to be a burden to them.

In fact, another main reason is that after you got out of the hospital, you told a friend about your situation.

She was a little surprised, then shook her head and said with a smile:

"You're just in a bad mood. You've had a smooth life since you were a child, and you haven't experienced any suffering, so you magnify a small thing. Everyone will experience emotional troughs in their lives, and you will be fine after a while. What kind of disease is it?"

But the disdain and alienation in her eyes could not be concealed.

Since then, you have made up your mind to keep the matter secret.

Then, you are afraid of socializing, afraid of meeting people you know, and even avoid Xie Bi'an and Fan Wujiu.

If Bi An and Wu Jiu know that you have this disease, what will they think of you?Although they encouraged you time and time again when they felt your depression: "Speak out if you have anything on your mind." But you chose to remain silent.Because you don't have any worries, but you are sick.You don't want them to know that you are so vulnerable, surrounded by negativity for no reason.

But pain, depression, and despair have always been with you like sticky glue, and you can't get rid of it no matter what.

You start to feel like you're nothing, a liability that only worries loved ones.It becomes difficult for you to remember things, you become forgetful, and you can't even remember a string of numbers after chewing on them ten times.Such a useless you, your existence is naturally worthless.From this point of view, it seems that your life is unnecessary, so you feel that you should leave this world.Get out of this world and you won't be causing trouble to others, and your loved ones won't be constantly worrying about you.

Those negative thoughts just bring you into an endless cycle of pain. The negative thoughts that run out of control and can't be stopped at high speed attack everything you were most proud of, and smash the things you have been struggling to support yourself for a long time. pillar.The feeling of the world collapsing makes you feel as if you are immersed in the endless abyss of suffering.

Since you are worthless, what's the point of everything you like, everything you ever wanted to do?

Nothing makes sense.Nothing makes sense.Nothing makes sense.

You suck, you can't do anything right.

Fan Wujiu and Xie Bi'an love you so much, do you deserve it?In their worried and encouraging eyes, what right do you have to dump negative energy on them?

This is the scariest thing about rumination.It is like a poisonous snake that tempted Eve to steal the forbidden fruit. It twists its disgusting and sticky body, and lures you step by step into the puzzle it has set up. It makes you deduce step by step with seemingly perfect logic that it has already made a private conclusion. the result of--

You are worthless, you do not deserve to be loved.

The sentence becomes a block of iron, firmly imprinted in your brain.

Finally one day, you are overwhelmed by the damn symptoms.

It was when you left school one day, you dragged your tired body numbly home, and when you opened the door, you saw your mother sitting on the sofa with a gloomy face.

When she heard the sound and turned her eyes to you, she completely spewed out the magma accumulated in her gloomy expression:

"I'm so disappointed in you! You have been so good since childhood, how could you have such a shameful disease? Are you worthy of my careful cultivation of you for so many years?"

You have been reluctant to return to the doctor, and the hospital has contacted your mother, so she knows everything.

"How old are you? Who are you showing your face all day long? Why are you depressed? I'm the one who is going to be depressed!"

You let your mother scold you without saying a word, and you have no ability to refute.Every word of her words hurts your heart, piercing your internal organs, the pain makes your stomach spasm, you want to retch, you want to peel off your own flesh.

You try to ignore her horrific scolding, but instead of weakening her voice in your ears, it grows in volume, repeating itself like an indelible spell.

The more she talked, the more excited she became, and she looked a little crazy.

"You have changed. You were very obedient before, why are you not so obedient now! No one else has this disease, why do you have it?"

"Mom, stop talking... okay...?"

You spoke weakly, wishing she would stop torturing you.The way you begged her looked so humble and small, which was very different from the proud and confident you who used to be.

But your begging did not stop her abuse, in exchange for her even more crazy attacks:

"I still can't say? I...I really wish I didn't have a daughter like you! It's too shameful, it should be strangled at birth!"

You finally couldn't hold back your emotions and ran out of the house crying.

The sky also cries with you and brings downpours of rain.

The rain erodes your body wantonly, slaps you, and laughs at your incompetence and humbleness.

The eyes are slack and unable to focus, everything around becomes blurred, flickering like a burnt spark.You wander the streets like a walking dead, letting the rain wet your whole body.Passers-by pass you by in a hurry, busy doing their own things, no one notices you, a thin and weak figure lingering on its last legs.

All living beings are suffering, and it is not easy for everyone, so what is your disease that is not accepted by the world.

You are what people call hypocritical, incompetent, and vulnerable.

You are trash, total trash.

Thinking starts to run fast again, exploiting and eating away at your exhausted will.

You keep your head down like this, walking aimlessly on the street, your soul is separated from sex, and your sense of time gradually fades.After an unknown amount of time, you ran into Xie Bian and Fan Wujiu who were about to go to your house to look for you.

"It's raining so hard, why don't you bring an umbrella?"

Fan Wujiu firmly supported you who seemed to be absent-minded, and frowned slightly because of your drenched body, he didn't care about your wet body, clasped your shoulders and moved the umbrella closer to you, not letting you Get wet again.

"What’s wrong with you?"

He saw your red eyes and found that you were crying.You have always been strong and never cried in front of others, so this is also the first time he saw you crying, he was a little at a loss, and spoke very carefully, for fear of breaking you.

I thought that if the tears were washed away by the rain, you would not be surprised when someone found you crying, and your thoughts came back.You rubbed your eyes and forced a smile at them:

"I'm fine, I just got sand in my eyes just now."

"How can..."

How can there be sand in the eyes on a rainy day?

"So it's like this... Then remember to go back and put eye drops, so as not to get infected."

Xie Bi'an interrupted Fan Wujiu's unfinished words, his slender white fingers gently twisted your wet temple hair and pulled it behind your ears, the soft eyes were full of pity and darkness mixed emotions.

"Let's go, we'll take you back."

Fan Wujiu looked at Xie Bian's handsome side face, a trace of astonishment flashed in his eyes.Xie Bi'an clearly saw that you were crying, so why...?But Fan Wujiu didn't say any more, he knew that Xie Bi'an must have his reasons for doing this.

"Don't bother you, I'll just go back by myself!"

You hurriedly declined, because you didn't want them to see your out-of-control mother, and you were afraid that your mother would tell them about your illness.

Xie Bi'an nodded, and wiped the rain off your face, without forcing, just stuffed the black umbrella in your hand:

"You take it, Wu Jiu and I can hold an umbrella. When you go back, remember to change your clothes and take a hot bath so you don't catch a cold."

"it is good."

You forcefully smiled, said goodbye to them, and then hurriedly walked in the direction of your home.