too embarrassing

"I am in the night because a man has gone and taken the sky."

--"Les Miserables"

Three in the morning.

The light-haired man was sitting by the window. He turned on the floor lamp at his feet, his blue eyes were shining brightly, and he was holding a pen in his hand, writing slowly and persistently.

On a blank medical record book.

"Dear Keqing:

It's been half a year since you left, and I still miss you and can't sleep, so I come to write something for you again, scribbling.

Every word I write seems to be talking to you.

Are you doing well?I heard that the conditions in Tibetan areas are relatively difficult. I am very worried about you, afraid that you will not adapt to the life there, that you will get sick, that you will lose weight, and that you will not eat well or wear warm clothes.

How can I worry about so many unnecessary things.

During the month when you first left, I resented you very much, didn't understand you, and even wanted to curse you with the most vicious words, scolding you for why you left, why you did it so badly.

I'm such a bad person.

I was no longer me at that time, and I became more and more crazy. I ran to your door in the middle of the night, knocked on the door and shouted loudly, thinking that an angry doctor Niu would open the door and call me crazy.

Your neighbor called the police.

Strange to say, I can knock on the door of an empty house, but I can't calm down and think about it.What's even more strange is that many of those friends with benefits who said they liked me in the past have also done this kind of crazy thing to me.

I blame you even more, not because I was detained in the police station for one night, but because you made me do things that I would never do before, and blame you for turning me from a calm and calm person into an out-of-control person.

However, what I complain the most is that you left me alone to rot in this city.

There is a saying that resentment arises from love, which seems to be true.

Later, I asked my superiors, and he said that you, the people who aided Tibet, would not come back until a year later.one year...

A year is so long, it sounds longer than a lifetime.

So I counted, counted, and counted carefully every day, crossing out the numbers on the calendar one by one.Not only did I scratch it out, I also cut it with the tip of a scalpel, trying to cut off all those dates, so that I can feel at ease.

After roughly crossing out two or three pages of numbers, I don't blame you so much, but blame myself, which is a deep-rooted resentment.

Blaming myself for lack of emotional cognition, being selfish and superficial, ignorant and stupid, missing your love and my own.

Sometimes I wonder if I made you angry, but when I think about it again, I feel that I am not that important.Thinking about it again, I'm afraid that I really don't matter in your heart.

I am not like you, you are so good, so noble and selfless, you have your own ideals and minds, and you will dedicate what you have learned to the people of Tibetan areas.

But I hope that you will not be so good, don't be a noble and selfless person, just be an ordinary person around me.

Alas, I'm being silly again.

Forget it, just be stupid, I can't control it.

Tell you about some of my boring things.

I bought a new watch the other day.When I was in a daze, I just watched the second hand in the watch move, tick by tick, and suddenly felt flustered.

When I think about not being able to see you for a long time, I feel that every second is wasted, wasting this boring life.

So I broke the new watch, and it was a mess. I regretted it a little, and tens of thousands of things were gone.If you knew, you would definitely say I wasted money again.

You also know that I never eat curry, but the night before last, I went to the Thai restaurant where we first met and ate a huge plate of green curry by myself.

The taste is good, but a bit salty.

Well, you can't just eat curry without eating, and you can't swallow it down your throat, let alone refute it when the waiter comes to persuade you.

Not next time.

As I ate and ate, I was laughing alone. When I remembered what you said, 'a man needs to eat more meat to be strong', I couldn't stop laughing, and even cried.

I remember everything you said, good or bad, I can't forget a word.But in fact, what I remember most clearly is your sentence: I don't want to love you anymore.

I don't listen.

You are not allowed to say this again.

After eating the curry, my stomach hurts a little, just like being burned, maybe I really can't get used to it.

I went to walk on the bridge near the community. Although it was late autumn, the wind was very strong there, grinding people's faces like sandpaper.

I remember, you seem to have been on this bridge before, it was deep winter at that time, were you very cold?

There are a few couples on the bridge, which are very eye-catching, and some are kissing, very tired and crooked.If there is a chance in the future, I also want to walk on this bridge with you, and do the same crooked thing to hinder other people's eyes.

I also saw that the fog on the river was very thick.

The best thing about that night was that I had a beautiful dream, because you were in this dream.

I saw the smoke rising, and you, wearing an apron, were picking ingredients in the refrigerator, and suddenly turned around, the brows hidden behind the glasses were extremely calm, and said with a smile, didn't you say that my cooking is unpalatable?Then I will practice more.

God is finally willing to take pity on me, and let the good thing of thinking day and night dreaming happen to me, but God is cruel, and soon let me wake up from the dream, and never slept again over.

I lay on the bed with my eyes open for a while, and went to the kitchen.My kitchen has pots and pans, daily necessities, rice, oil, salt, everything, but I always feel that it is empty and something is missing.

Oh, there is a missing devil chef.

I forgot which day it was, Director Liang of the department said, beef now costs 60 yuan a catty, and I thought of you.However, even if he said 60 yuan per catty for apples, 60 yuan per catty for tomatoes, and 60 yuan per catty for eggs, I would still think of you.

I don't think of you for a moment.

When I think of you, I feel that the world is soft and gray.Doctor Niu, tell me, am I just love?

right?This is love.

I found that I am not as ignorant as I was before in love. It is not that I am self-taught, but that your sense of existence is too strong, and it often exists in my brain, like a personal tutor, urging me to learn.

In this regard, I am probably a zero-based student.

I grew up in a divorced family, and my parents’ marriage failed. I never felt love between them, but I always heard them mention how cool it is to have sex with the person I cheated on.

You may not believe it, but the word I have heard the most from my parents is fuck.

Of course, I have also watched other people's love, there are good and bad, some can be cultivated to a positive result, and some fall apart at once, anyway, I don't feel it.

I'm as insensitive to everything about love as a carnivore is to all vegetables.I used to think of this insensitivity as psychological freedom.Thinking about it now, this kind of freedom is quite sad.

Until I met you, we had endless conversations and a very ingenious understanding. Even arguing with you was fun for me. I felt like I had met a piece of the puzzle that could just fit into the groove of my heart.

It was a good time when I was with you, but unfortunately at that time, I didn't understand that I liked you so much, so much that I couldn't quit you.It turns out that desire is not my biggest addiction, you are.

This kind of addiction is not called addiction, it is called love.Keqing, thinking about it this way, I love you so much.

Ugh.

Don't you know, I'm very bad here.I feel uncomfortable and anxious every day, always restless, thinking about many things, and you are in everything.

I'm going crazy.I deserve it.

From the day you left, the cliff hole in my heart is collapsing every day, it is almost unable to hold on, when will you come back?

I don't want to sleep with you, but I want to see you, I want to treat you well, every minute and every second I miss, I just want to be with you and feel the taste of being in love.

After living for more than 30 years, this is the first time I feel love personally. I am sad and happy all the time. The sad thing is that the person I love is not by my side, and the happy thing is that I can love you so much.

Love is indeed a terrible thing. Ever since I realized that I fell in love with you, I have become a fantasist. I dream of seeing you again, holding your hand, touching your face, kissing and hugging you, and hoping to hear you call me again Paleo doctor.

If not, you can call me a pervert.

What am I writing about?Messy, crazy talk.

In addition to the addiction to smoking, your body cold seems to be left to me. I am so cold every night, I can't sleep because of the cold, and I always want to hold you in my arms.

Insomnia is because of missing, I think you are so embarrassed, you get it all over your hands, and the quilt is also dirty, full of sticky desires.

Doctor Niu, I can’t sleep. I’ve suffered from insomnia for a long time, but if you look at it rationally, insomnia is also good. Those things that can’t be solved during the day can be slowly consumed in the night.

I sometimes see you in my dreams, I am so happy that I wake up, and then I am not happy, because when I am awake, I can always think that you are not by my side.

Ugh.

You are really cruel, let me fall into loneliness, let me fight the pain alone, day and night.

I couldn't help but start blaming you again, I'm so selfish, I'm such a jerk, obviously everything is my fault.I'm stupid, I'm dull, I'm hurting you to satisfy myself.

The three months I spent with you were better than my 30 lonely years before. You gave me joy and love, what about me?What did I give you?

I give you tears, madness, pain.

No wonder you are angry, no wonder you don't want me, but it doesn't matter, I will wait for you to come back, as long as I can.

I always fantasize about what to say to you the day you come back.I am afraid that if I go to you empty-handed, it will appear insincere, and I am afraid that I will not know how to express my heart and say some frivolous words.

But think about it, maybe you are still angry with me, maybe you don't want to hear a word from me, and you turn around and leave immediately.

How to do.

Then please give me time for one sentence, let me pick out one sentence from the thousands of words I want to say... Let me say "I love you".

Actually, I think I'd be shy.

Ugh.

I'm so stupid, I don't know anything about love or anything like that, but that was in the past, and I know a little bit now, can you calm down?

I guess it's hard.

I'm also very angry with myself. I like you early on, but I refuse to admit it, and I don't want to find out.My IQ is really good, but I just got confused on this matter.

At that time, I wanted to handcuff you, but I didn't dare to get close to you. I was afraid of losing the freedom I had always had, and I hated that you always forced me to express, so I insisted on arguing with you and poking your sore spots.

Damn me.

Because I like you, I often want to say sorry to you.

Sorry for hurting you, sorry for saying irresponsible liking to you, sorry for not realizing my heart earlier, sorry for trampling your sincerity on the ground and ruining it.

sorry sorry sorry.

I dare not ask you to forgive me, but I am also afraid that you will not forgive me, that you will ignore me, that you will not want me, and that you will find someone better than me.

For example, the one with the surname Qu, I really, really, really hate him, even though he is your friend.

Every time I met him in the hospital, he would tell me how strong our relationship is. He said that you have been best friends since college, and that you send pictures to each other every day.

I said fuck off.

He said, eat your fart.

We almost had a fight in the elevator.

Why do I always like to write some nonsense without thinking, maybe I want to tell you too much, don’t hold it against me.

But Qing, I have loved you very much for a long time, but my love is too selfish, turbid, dirty, heavy, and possessive, so it always brings you pain, you must be very troubled.

A person like me who is sinking in the mire, surrounded by a sense of destruction, struggling but unable to save himself, when I hear you say you love me, I want to drag you in and let you accompany me.

I am a horrible person.

But can you not give up on me?

You good doctor, come and treat me too.I am probably hopeless, you are Hua Tuo alive, you can rejuvenate, please, come back and save me, a heartbroken person.

I'm writing something crazy again.

The night is so long, I am afraid that I can continue to write my crazy words until I run out of ink, but it is a pity that no one reads them.

To be honest, I feel that I have changed. I don’t know if you like me like this, but I am obsessed with myself who loves you like this.

If you could really hear my inner voice, you would definitely find me annoying.

Miss you, miss you, look forward to you, love you.

--antiquity."

The ink on the tip of the pen silently paused on the paper, blurring the last period in the letter.