i have a crush on you

Chapter 5: Homophobia

When you don't know that you love that person, you can still be unscrupulous. When you find yourself in love with that person, you will start to panic.

You are afraid that the person you love does not love you.

I was afraid, when I opened my mouth, he turned around and left.

My feelings for He Shu became more and more hazy, and I began to find that my possessiveness was too strong, and this kind of possessiveness was a bit too hypocritical for a friend.

So the questioning in my heart changed from once in a while to several times a day. I began to doubt and even collapsed a little bit about what kind of emotion I had for He Shu.

How could I fall in love with He Shu?

I am friends with him.

How could I fall in love with He Shu?

He is a man.

I can't fall in love with He Shu.

This is homosexuality, or I am a kind of person who is despised by everyone and is disgusting and contrary to common sense and morality...

If He Shu knows, he will definitely hate me and run away from me; if the world knows, he will definitely alienate me and exclude me; if my mother knows, she will definitely be desperate and painful...

I started to live very depressed, while choosing to escape and tell myself that I really don't like He Shu.While choosing to curse myself, I am really too bad.

I tried my best to prove that I still like girls, so I began to pay attention to Shen Qiao urgently, but I didn't want He Shu to know, so I communicated with Hu Hao.

Hu Hao has no less information than He Shu, but without He Shu as a catalyst, I feel like it's a waste of time to listen.No matter how hard I force it, I still can't do it, Shen Qiao's face did not appear in my dream, but He Shu, smiling, frowning, calm... He Shu.

I'm mad.At that time, I thought that I was really going to die, that a young man in his prime would be strangled in the cradle of homosexuality, and no one could save me, not even myself.

The words I can think of every day are: disgusting, perverted, dirty, nasty...

Even without being in love, the little secret love in my heart changed my life. I began to deliberately alienate He Shu. Without his help, my grades also regressed terribly.In the final exam, I actually fell a few places behind the midterm.

I never thought it was He Shu's fault, it was all my fault, who told me to be a shameful homosexual?

I lost 25 catties in just two weeks. During that time, I was the thinnest in 34 years. The guy who is 1 meters only weighed 85 catties. I almost wondered if I was seriously ill.

"Why don't you eat?" He Shu would ask me every day at noon.

In order to keep a distance from him, I can only think of this stupid trick.

"I'm not hungry." I flipped through the math exercise book.

"Don't do it, eat with me." He pushed the exercise book aside.

"You ask Hu Hao to accompany you." I opened the workbook again, I didn't know which question I was looking at, I was so confused.

"No, I want you." He grabbed the exercise book, "After eating, I'll teach you."

"He Shu, I really don't want to eat." I looked at him weakly.

His face changed a few expressions, anger, surprise, and finally helplessness. He returned the exercise book to me, "You should rest for a while, your face is so bad."

I could see that he was a little angry, but he couldn't get angry with me. His lonely background was displayed in front of me. I didn't look back until he disappeared. I felt that I was really terrible.

A sentence by Zhang Xiaoxian flashed in my mind, "When you fall in love with someone, you are always a little scared, afraid of getting him; afraid of losing him."

I had no intention of doing the questions at all, and I didn't know when I fell asleep in a daze, and when I woke up, it was already a self-study in middle school.As soon as I looked up, I found He Shu was staring at me.

His views frightened me a bit, as if he had peeled me off layer by layer, looking delicately from the outside to the inside.His eyes stayed on my thin face, and the passion in his eyes dimmed a lot.

I hurriedly skimmed back, I was afraid that if I had another second, I would fall.

"Let's eat." He took out a bowl of beef noodles from the drawer, "You don't eat whatever I buy you these days, but you have to buy bread every time after class."

He raised his face, and his tone was particularly aggrieved.I almost couldn't help but hugged it.

"I thought you might not like what I bought for you." He didn't look at me.

"You must like this beef noodle. I know you like spicy food, but you have lost too much weight recently, so let's eat less spicy food first."

"Be careful it's hot." He handed it to me, but never looked at me.

My defenses were completely broken.What is the so-called eyes of the world?As long as I don't confess, it's fine, people will never know, He Shu will never know, if we never know, he and I can be friends forever.

What a ridiculous idea, but at that time, this idea was my life-saving straw. He Shu's care saved me when my life was hanging by a thread.

I let go of my fear and smiled, "I'm just hungry, thanks."

He Shu looked at me, and he also smiled.

Now that I think about it, I am really a coward, a person who is self-indulgent in love. Fortunately, He Shu dotes on me, otherwise I really don’t know if I will become friends with him or not.

After that, I calmed down a lot, and my temper was not as weird as before. He Shu and I are still good friends, but the two of us grew apart unconsciously, as if there was some kind of estrangement. I know that my estrangement towards him comes from I love him, but what is his barrier to me?

I blame myself a little bit, if I don't do some strange things, we can still be close friends...

Life in high school always goes by very quickly, and the New Year is coming soon. That day was the first time I celebrated the New Year with him, and I was very impressed.

It was February 2th, which was also Valentine's Day.I proposed this day to celebrate the new year together before the holiday, but luckily he didn't think too much about it, and readily agreed.

We met in the square at two o'clock in the afternoon. He bought a lot of firecrackers, and we smashed the cannons at each other's feet. To be honest, I was a little afraid that every time he smashed it, I would keep shouting and screaming. run back.And every time he laughs very happily, especially when he sees my frightened face, smiling from ear to ear.

"Aren't you fucking sick?—Ah! Damn!"

"This is medicine, do you want to take it!?" He threw a cannon...

In the evening, the two of us went to eat a western meal, which was the first time I ate it. I still remember that I had a steak and a pair of grilled wings.I even licked off the juice on the slate board. I dipped 3 bags of tomato sauce on the pair of chicken wings, so that I didn't even know what the chicken wings tasted like.

"Country bun, can you stop licking?" He suppressed a smile.

"Children from the countryside, please forgive me."

"Are you drinking juice?" He seemed surprised.

"Keep your voice down! How dare you say that this is not the first time you ate it?" I glared at him.

"It's not true, it's also my first time eating."

"Bah." I picked up the steak he had cut on the slate.

I still remember the surrounding environment. At that time, there were only couples sitting next to me, only the two of us were friends.

Of course, I don't think so about him.

We bought many bottles of beer late at night, and we swayed on the street, singing inexplicable nursery rhymes, but every time I sang, he stopped singing, and I didn’t want to sing if he didn’t sing... Finally, we lay on the road and Laughing like a fool.

Now think about it, how many times can you be a fool in your life?

He and I lay sideways on the road and looked at each other.

His slender fingers brushed my recently cut short hair, and the tenderness in his eyes made me intoxicated.I was lost, and so I plunged headlong into that abyss, regardless of whether it was a fragrant garden or not, regardless of whether it might be a chilling hole in hell.

Maybe there's no end to the abyss, and that's fine, and neither is the way I love you.

Reality is always cruel, and the cold wind is ruthless. It blows on my cheeks at will, so the process of me looking at each other is not beautiful. Soon, I sneezed out of frustration .

He smiled, maybe he was laughing at my fragility... He sat up and took off his coat to cover me, and then he slowly climbed into the down jacket. We were so close that I could catch him under the faint street light Every pore can be seen clearly.

But what I want to say is that you must not imitate it. Sleeping on your side on the ground is really disgusting and cool.Even He Shu later told me that he was shivering from the cold that day, and his arm hurt to death when he got into the down jacket.

But it was still very good at that time, even if it hurts, I still feel good. Now that I recall it, I still don’t remember the feeling of pain, only the ambiguous cloud can’t go away...

He Shu stretched out a hand and nodded my nose, he said: "It's pretty good."

I replied: "You are not bad either."

"Do you know what holiday is today?" he asked me.

"Valentine's Day."

"Then I wish you happiness."

"You too."

After all, the two of us are still not suitable for this kind of sweet and greasy atmosphere, and we laughed loudly within 2 minutes.But I know that every word I say is very serious.

The final result is that we ushered in the patrolling security guards. It was nothing at first, but our first reaction was to run. We ran across the tree-lined path, past the locked church, and past the hurriedly passing Time has passed through the city that never sleeps that belongs to me and He Shu.

February 2002 was really cold, but I was really happy.