You said as long as we are careful enough

Sebastian doesn't fall back asleep on purpose, but the next thing he knows he wakes up, and this time Chris is leaning over on his elbow to brush his hair behind his ear.The morning light coming in through the window was already approaching noon, and Chris was looking at Sebastian like he was priceless.

It's not fair, Sebastian can't stand it.He turns away from him, Chris' hands frozen in his hair. "Do you still want to talk?"

He did not want.He's terrified of knowing how Chris will react—if it hurts him.That's what Sebastian was trying to do, but the very thought of it at the moment made him sick inside.He felt hateful and mean after what Chris had done for him.He can't explain what he's doing without alluding to the changing (relationship) definitions between them.

He doesn't want to talk about it either, because he thinks he's figured out what he wants out of it, and then he's starting to feel like it's something Chris can't give at all.

"I'm ready for punishment," he said, and Chris didn't react right away.

"I don't think that's true," he said softly, and Sebastian couldn't take it anymore.He couldn't bear the fact that Chris knew everything Sebastian was thinking and was stupid enough not to know what he really wanted.Something inside him snapped.

"I don't think it's a fucking problem," Sebastian growled at him, sitting up and pushing against his chest. Chris moved immediately, stood up immediately.His face was full of alertness, but he remained silent. "Go get that damn belt and start." Sebastian said to Mo Ran, "When I think you should stop, I'll let you know."

Chris's mouth tightened in concern. "I won't punish you without knowing why," he said firmly.

Sebastian rolled his eyes and threw up his hands in defeat.He knew he was acting like a child, but it was somehow comforting.is a comfort.The more he acts like a child, the more Chris treats him like one.

"I let him fuck me," Sebastian admits, basically spitting the words in his face. "I don't even know his name, but it's okay. I tell him to choke me while he fucks me. And hit me. I don't even think we've ever fucking talked about safe words. I don't care."

Chris's mask came loose, and a look of horror flashed across his face for an instant, but Sebastian was still pressing on, provoking it no matter the cost. "He let me cum easily. Almost effortless. It felt so fucking perfect."

"Really?" Chris asked dryly, leaning forward and cupping Sebastian's face. "When you called me, you were crying so hard that I could barely understand what you were saying."

At the moment, he's so gentle, it's like Sebastian is made of glass.It's not fair.It looked too much like what he wanted, but it wasn't. That's all Chris could ever give Sebastian.He can't take it, he can't take it! "Fucking hit me!" Sebastian screamed at him, slamming his fist on Chris' shoulder. "You're fucking mad at me, you gotta do it!"

Chris looks like he's going to say he's not angry, and Sebastian wishes he hated him for it. "Hit me!" he repeats, louder, and Chris slaps him across the face. Sebastian lets his head straighten quickly, and doesn't look up when Chris finally speaks.

"Take off your clothes and get down," Chris said sternly. "I'm going to get the belt. Don't you dare to yell at me like that again."

Sebastian stood up and stripped off, already feeling lighter and more relaxed.He slumped back on the bed, and Chris came back, discreetly snapping the belt in his hand. "Do you want me to count?" The gnashing in his voice was gone, and Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut.

"Let's do it directly!"

Chris does what he wants, and the belt snaps against his back.There was no sting at first until the second hit landed on his back, and then it set his back like fire.The next whip seared his ribs and Sebastian gasped.

Slapping is irregular.He didn't know where it would land.It landed on his lap again, and Sebastian gritted his teeth to keep himself from crying. Chris was silent, and Sebstian didn't bother to continue counting, his mind was already lost on the sixth or seventh blow, one whip followed by another, branding an X on his lower back.

Chris is waiting for Sebastian to stop, and Sebastian bites his lip, refusing to make any movement other than a soft grunt.He waited until his vision was blurred, stuffing the sheet into his mouth, trying to keep his face away.

Until, each stroke becomes like some kind of forgiveness.like forgiveness.Now, Sebastian doesn't want that.He wants pain and pain.He wants to be punished.He wants Chris to hate him, to leave him here, because that's what Sebastian did to him.He was wrong before, and he didn't want to forgive.He just wanted a word.

He couldn't feel comfortable with himself.His mind cleared up, like when he banged his head against the wall and pinched his arm in the club. Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the pleasure to wear off.At least he hasn't hardened yet.He doesn't want to be hard.He shouldn't be allowed to harden.

Not a piece of skin was spared the blow, and each stroke began to sting and sting the fragile flesh.He could feel Chris hesitating, the lashes softening. Sebatian shivered, and Chris stopped. "Look at me." His voice was nothing like it used to be when they did it.Tight and light, like he's choking.

Sebastian opened his eyes secretly, took a few tense breaths, and turned his head to him. Chris let the belt dangle by his side. "can you speak?"

Sebastian nods. Chris frowned.

"You cry."

He doesn't sound like this, like it's the last time he's doing it.He sounded heartbroken. Sebastian didn't know how to respond, so he didn't.

"You're fine, Sebastian. That's enough." Sebastian shook his head, but Chris snapped at him, "Then tell me to go on. Speak up."

Sebastian opened his mouth obediently, but his throat was so tense that all he could get out was a wet, breathy sound. Chris sounded inexplicably disappointed and flustered. "Sebastian..."

Sebastian flinches, and then the soft metallic thud of the belt landing seems to echo throughout the room.

Before Sebastian realizes he's been moved, Chris' hands are in his hair, but Sebastian ducks.He doesn't want pity and understanding.He just wants punishment.

Chris sighed and sat down beside him. Sebastian resists the urge to snuggle up to him like he usually does, and Chris notices, too, the tension straightening his back.

"Can you talk?" he asked again.

"Yes." He didn't know he wasn't allowed to call him Mr.Maybe that's it.Maybe it's all over together.

"Are you okay?" Sebastian took a deep breath, and Chris pointed at the belt on the ground in detail. "You- you want to...?"

Setastian froze for a moment and shook his head. "No."

Chris sighs.He doesn't say anything for a moment, and Sebastian looks up to see him staring at his hands, which are neatly clasped in his lap. "Sebastian, I need you to answer me honestly, okay?" He looked back at him expectantly, and Sebastian nodded. "Did I hurt you beyond your limits?"

Sebastian bit his lip.That's exactly what he wanted.He deserved it.But Chris always seems to be too kind about it.It's as if he knows it's going to be too much to get to that point.It's not fair. Sebastian doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Chris should be furious. Chris should keep him here and never come back.

"God, I shouldn't have—you're not ready for…" Chris turned his head slightly, facing Sebastian better. "Sebastian, I need you to answer me. Please." He sounds guilty, like he's about to cry, and Sebastian flinches. "If I cross your limit, I need to—"

"I'm fine," Sebastian whispers, not wanting to figure out what Chris is going to assume he needs to do just because Sebastian doesn't feel worthy. "I'm fine. You didn't do anything I didn't want."

Chris doesn't say anything about it.After a while, he nodded, stood up without a word, and walked into the bathroom. Sebastian dropped his head, resting on his arms, listening to the rustle of Chris' movements. Chris came back with ointment and the first aid kit Sebastian kept in the medicine cabinet.

They've never needed this first aid kit before. Sebastian hadn't even realized how far he'd let things go.No wonder Chris was looking at him that way.

Chris sat back beside him, opened a bottle of alcohol, and wiped the mouth of the bottle with a cotton ball.When he reaches for Sebastian, Sebastian twists away and Chris grabs his wrist, pinning him gently on the bed. "Hey, don't move around."

"It's okay, I don't want that."

"No." Chris replied flatly, a little disapproval on the tip of his tongue. Sebastian flinched.He is angry.Maybe he finally hated him.Perhaps his wayward arguments and harsh words seeking punishment were the final straw.He deserved what he deserved after all.

Sebastian tries to pull his arm back, panicking again as Chris' hands tighten, pulling him onto the bed. "I don't want it," Sebastian said, trying to writhe away from Chris's grasp, "I don't deserve—"

"Red-red!" Chris's voice is louder, but more trembling than any time they've done it—almost hysterical.

The air in the room disappeared completely, and Sebastian froze completely. "I..." he said, his voice hoarse and timid. Chris froze, body avoiding him, hand still gripping his wrist. "I—I did…" His eyes fell to the floor, and Chris gasped in panic, leaving the things in his hand on the nightstand.

"No no, Sebastian-I-I'm sorry, it's okay. It's okay, just... don't- God, don't say that. I-oh my God." He took a deep breath and lifted Sebastian's jaw, forcing him to look into his eyes.He pulls him up to sit up, holding Sebastian's wrists in his lap, firm and steady, but only once, and then he lets go, like he's afraid to touch him.

"I never want to hear you say that, you understand?" Chris sounded like he was about to cry. "Never. That's not true. Never will be true, especially- especially now. It's my fault, Sebastian, not your fault. I never should have left you alone. You haven't Fully recovered, and I'm... God, I'm fucking stupid. There's a good chance I could actually hurt you with what I did. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

It just seems like Chris has changed the subject. Sebastian frowned in confusion.He didn't want to 'don't quite get it' to answer his question, but it was still a little hard to understand what Chris meant.He couldn't think of an honest way to answer the question without making Chris uncomfortable.He narrowed his eyes, and Chris immediately let out a long, anxious sigh.

"You have every right to be mad at me, Sebastian. After we ended up like that last time. It wasn't right. I just— I panicked, so I screwed up. I shouldn't have left you. I caused this, you Nothing." He looked like he was waiting for some kind of answer, so Sebastian nodded.

It doesn't seem like enough, though, because Chris doesn't say anything, so Sebastian clears his throat. "Okay."

Chris cups Sebastian's chin, it helps.Firm and steady. "I don't want you to feel like you have to forgive me right away. Or—" Chris' voice froze, and his hands fell from Sebastian's face.

Sebastian watches silently as Chris lets his hand drop on the bed.He wishes Chris would touch him. Chris follows his gaze, removes his hands from the bed completely, and continues, "Or never, if you want to, but if you don't, I promise you I'll never do that again."

"Oh." Sebastian tried to keep his answer short, but it sounded too obvious that he was going to cry again.He feels silly.

"I'm stupid." Chris said simply. "So it's all my fault." His eyes widen, as if realizing something, he reaches out as if to grab Sebastian's arm, but stops at the last moment, letting his hand just hang between them .

"God, I—you thought I was mad at you. I—fuck, please, don't cry, Sebastian, I'm not angry." Sebastian watched as he curled his fingers, as if trying to get a slap from Sebastian's face Wipe away tears, but did not touch him. "What you want, right? That punishment. And... not just for me, right? I would never punish you just for that, I—I did it because you asked for it. I thought it was you think--"

"I want it," Sebastian said immediately, feeling a little exhausted. "I need it." He owes Chris that much.his pain.After his series of actions.He owed him much more than that.He needs Chris to know he's sorry. "It's what I want."

Chris still doesn't look relieved. "Okay," he finally said.He didn't sound convinced either. Sebastian looks away.He didn't want Chris to blame himself for it. "Just," Chris said hesitantly, but Sebastian didn't look up. "You're not responsible for what happened. You know that, right?"

Sebastian thought Chris would be reassured when he nodded, but he still just looked worried. "I punished you only because you..." He broke down, and tried again. "I thought—I thought that would help. You're asking, so I thought…" Chris frowned, looking down, and Sebastian reached out to touch him, then remembered he didn't seem to want to be touched, and let Hands fell back on the bed.

"If I hadn't left you alone like that, none of this would have happened. You might feel like… I mean, if it had been done another day, it would have been like—" Chris swallowed, thinking, " Like after any other meeting we've ever had, it's just—become aggressive, and I might punish you for that, but not this time, you know? You didn't break any of our rules back then , Sebastian. You broke down. It wasn't your fault what you did, okay? It was my fault."

He's so serious, Sebastian can only nod. Chris swallows hard again, and Sebastian watches as the dangling hand clenches into a fist and falls to his side. "I need to know that you're not asking for punishment because you think that's what I want."

"I'm asking for punishment because I want to, to make myself feel better," Sebastian tells him, trembling. "And now, I—" He swallowed, thinking about how bad his back looked, and the chances of getting a scar. "I don't want you to fix…" He paused, surprised to see Chris shaking his head. Chris never said a 'no' to any of Sebastian's demands.

"I can't do this for you," he said, and he sounded so tired that Sebastian didn't want to argue.He'd thought the safe word was Chris' way of telling him he didn't like what Sebastian said without outright rejecting his request. Chris gritted his teeth, and when he opened his mouth again, his voice was firm and sure. "I've punished you, do you understand? It's over now."

Sebastian doesn't realize he's nodding.As soon as he opened his mouth, Chris knew what he was going to say. "I'll give you a few more straps if you ask, but I'll never let any marks I leave on you go untreated. That's not included. I'm allowed to have limits, too, Sebastian."

Sebastian's chest tightens, still a little taken aback.It's not that he hasn't thought about the possibility, in some abstract way - but it's just a thought that keeps him going back and forth every time he has a new proposition - but, after what they've done After all that, drawing boundaries seemed so arbitrary again.He nodded blankly, and Chris gasped immediately, picking up the cotton ball and alcohol again.

Sebastian shifted into position and flinched as he watched him wipe the little bit of broken skin on his thigh again, the tingling hit him. "Why?" Chris looked up at him, Sebastian explained. "Why is that your limit?"

Chris shrugged and went back to what he was doing.He was silent for a long time, until Sebastian thought that was the answer he got, and said, "Do you remember when you asked if domspace exists too?" Sebastian nodded.He wasn't sure if Chris saw him nodding, but he continued anyway. "Although it's not the same, but having control..." He thought for a while, "Going to take care of you...can relieve emotions."

Sebastian's mouth twitched into a smile, but he remained quiet.

"It helps with my anxiety, knowing…" He shrugs, visibly embarrassed, "Knowing you don't judge me." Sebastian blinks.He opened his mouth to ask Chris what that meant, but he didn't want to interrupt.After a moment of silence, Chris leaned over, kissed the welt on his shoulder and bandaged it. Sebastian wonders if he realizes what he's just done.

"I don't need to worry because you trust me. You want—" Chris pauses again, and Sebastian wants to face him, but Chris is working on his back so he stays still. "In the back of my head...knowing that you're actually in control. Doing what you say...is relaxing and, uh..."

Sebastian can hear the blush in his voice. "I can hold this in the back of my mind and just…" Sebastian's chest shudders as Chris places a bandage on the broken skin on his back. "With that in mind, I knew I could let go of everything."

Sebastian's breath catches, and Chris's fingers are so soft on his back, he becomes distracted, abandoning his original task and brushing his back lightly instead. "I can do whatever I want with you."

Sebastian nodded silently, and immediately Chris seemed to find himself, trying to remember the topic just now.

"I mean, I…" Chris swallows so loudly that Sebastian can hear him realize that Chris is tense, almost overwhelmed. "I can...I can...you won't push me too far, and I know that, so I just—" Chris hesitates, breathing loudly. "And you've always been so - desperately longing for this..."

Sebastian glanced back to see Chris's hands caressing the prickling skin of his back comfortingly.He nods, but Chris doesn't look up, paying full attention. "I like to make you happy," he added.He sounded calmer when he said that, and Sebastian smiled.

He forgot how he brought up the subject until Chris scowled and said, "It feels like I've gone too far by not giving you aftercare." He runs his thumb up Sebastian's back , very lightly, carefully, Sebastian immediately lowered his head and obeyed immediately. "Like no frame of reference, no control." Sebastian's eyes dropped to his hands.It never occurred to him to hurt Chris like that.

"I need to know that no matter what I do, you're going to be okay. Need to know that I'm never going to push your limits. Without that, it just feels—disjointed and unpredictable like everything else."

"I'm sorry," Sebastian told him.

"No." Chris replied as he put down the medicine box and applied the ointment to the palm of his hand. "It's okay. Now you know."

Sebastian watches him massage the ointment into his back, waiting to be noticed.When he's finally noticed, Chris' smile is hesitant and slightly confused. "What's wrong?"

"Can I put my collar back on?"

He'd never seen Chris look so relieved. "Of course. Yes. I'll get it right away." He leans over and kisses Sebastian on the chin, then wipes his hands quickly on his jeans. "Where is it?"

"In the closet," Sebastian replied, and Chris stood up abruptly.

Sebastian lifts his legs over the edge of the bed, and Chris stands beside him.He hesitates, and before Sebastian has time to worry, Chris asks, "Are you sure you're ready? Feeling alright?"

For a moment, Sebastian awkwardly tries to show his neck before dropping his chin and nodding. "I- I think it helps." Sebastian feels more clearly because Chris is touching him, or because he's speaking in a commanding tone.as always.

He remembered reading that crashes would sometimes take people out of the game for a long time, but he also read that that wasn't always true. Sebastian starts to think that's what he needs from the start.He can tell from Chris' expression that he doesn't think so, but he nods anyway and slips the collar around Sebastian's throat as well.

The collar is held in place, and Chris' concerns seem to be quickly forgotten. Sebastian watched as his eyes darkened and something like wonder flashed across his face.Almost like the first time. "Sebastian…" he said, his voice soft and reverent, and Sebastian opened after a breath.

"He thought you were my boyfriend." Out of Sebastian's mouth, unrehearsed, unsubstantiated. Chris blinks and falls silent, letting Sebastian explain. "I—I meant to say I needed to call you, and I didn't…" He swallowed at the look on Chris's face.He can't stand hearing Chris ask if Sebastian knows what he's thinking, so he speaks before Chris does. "I didn't tell him your name or anything."

Chris looks confused for a moment, like he wasn't expecting to hear this, and Sebastian frowned, disappointed in his own ego.He fell into an embarrassed silence.

"Okay," Chris suggested softly, kneeling down to get a better look at him. "In the end what happened?"

"I-I can't…" What a stupid thing he didn't know how to make it sound less ridiculous.

"It's nothing, Sebastian? What's going on?" He sounds so sincere and caring, Sebastian feels like an idiot even more, and Chris suddenly has this confusion that makes him look at Sebastian that way.

"No. It's okay!" Chris doesn't look convinced, and Sebastian flinches. "It's not like that, it's just so stupid."

"Tell me what happened," Chris said sternly.

Sebastian sighs. "I can't-can't call you," Sebastian admits, stomach churning, mixed with some kind of relief - it's 'finally here', it's the humble dread of 'that might mean What'.This is the moment. "When I tried to say to him - I want... I don't have any title to call you."

It was embarrassing, but Chris just sat there watching him, waiting for him to finish. Sebastian felt his eyes heat up. "I just stammered 'my' a few times and he decided it was the boyfriend and ran away." He couldn't bear the stern look on Chris's face, so he tried to force a smile. "I think he's afraid you'll beat him up."

Surprisingly, Chris did not respond to this.Not even a smile. Sebastian suddenly wondered if he really would (hit).He was a little taken aback because the idea suddenly turned on him.

After a few seconds, Chris nodded. "Okay." He doesn't say anything else after that, so Sebastian wonders if it's his turn now.He didn't know how to respond to the 'okay'.Finally, Chris took a deep breath and decided to add, "What do you want me to be?"

"I..." He couldn't say it.All that has accumulated for this moment, but he can't say it now, even if Chris is asking him.Silence hung stingingly between them.

"Sebastian," Chris said, calmly.He raised his hand, but hesitated. "Can I touch you?"

Nodding, Sebastian gasped, "Please." He closed his eyes and the weight finally lifted from his shoulders as Chris' fingers brushed his temples and stroked back his hair.When he opened his eyes again, Chris was already a little closer.

"Please tell me," Chris says, so softly that Sebastian thinks they won't be able to hear if they're an inch apart. "You said he thought I was your boyfriend. Is that what you want? Make me your boyfriend?" Somehow, that word didn't seem entirely adequate for their relationship, but it was. That's what Sebastian needs to hear.

He closes his eyes, and Chris' fingers drop and tug at his collar. "The only things that change are the things you want to change," Chris said, his voice intimate. "You understand, right?" Sebastian nodded, his back straight and tensed.

"I don't want anything to change," Sebastian whispered.

"Okay." Chris replied immediately.He sounded relieved, Sebastian told himself he heard things. "Except for the title, right?" Chris finally asks, "So, is that what you want, Sebastian?" There's a strange emphasis in his voice, breathless. Sebastian opened his eyes to see him sitting up on his knees, close to Sebastian's face, his expression full of patience. "Tell me what you want. Please."

For a moment, Sebastian has that relief feeling that, somehow, their roles have been reversed.His stomach twitches and he reaches for Chris's hand, which is still pressed against his neck.He clenched his fingers, gripping Chris's palm, and nodded again. "Yeah, I-I think...I want that."

"Okay," Chris said again, a smile finally appearing on his face. Sebastian might be associating too much meaning with that smile, given the way Chris' whole body is relaxed.

Relief washes over Sebastian, so strong that he suddenly feels top-heavy.He didn't know what to say.In this way, it came too easy. "What..." was all he could say, his voice hovering between vigilance and gratitude.

Chris leaned in and kissed him, slowly soothing him to lie down, and it took Sebastian a moment to kiss back.When Chris stops, it's just to run a kiss along his neck. "That's what I want, too," Chris admits absently, and Sebastian takes a big breath.

Chris's back stiffens, and Sebastian blinks at him in bewilderment.

It's like he's pulling the cork out of a champagne bottle, and the words come out of Chris' mouth so fast he doesn't even have time to think. "God, you think I don't want to. You think I don't?!…How long?" Sebastian didn't want to say, just blinked at him wordlessly, but Chris seemed to guess 'a long time'.

He pulls Sebastian, kisses him everywhere he can, whines against his skin, lifts up once without saying a word. "I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry. I just—I didn't want to put pressure on you," he said in an almost irritatingly innocent tone. "I don't want you to think—that you can't...make independent decisions about me, but I want to..."

Sebastian grabs his face and pulls him into the kiss, his skin