sigh youthful glitz

In the blink of an eye, it was the third year of high school, and my life trajectory with him gradually and gradually staggered.

However, occasionally I would hear Xiao Li talking about him; occasionally I would see his moving figure from the window; occasionally I would hear his loud laughter in the corridor...

Unknowingly, I took these occasionally as a habit.

It’s like filling a glass with a glass of clear water and drinking it coolly. I feel that my body needs it, and I feel healthy and happy. Since then, I have decided that it is a good habit, so I am willing to let it repeat during the day...

And at night, he exists in my paintings.

In the painting with green as the main tone, there is a short-haired boy in the woods; in the painting of a red hillside, there is the same boy in it... He exists in my painting with such a posture, even if there is only a small back, that person It is also him who exists in my paintings.

These are drawn at night when I miss him.

I miss him?Yes, I often think about him, without resentment, or even thinking about him for no reason.

Thinking of his shallow smile, his eyes were shining like fragments of sunlight shaking.

Thinking of the hot and humid touch of his skin against my body, I will feel an indescribable feeling in my heart, rising up like steam...

I knew it was wrong to think of him like this, and I had plunged my head into the cold water countless times to wake myself up, and I had asked myself in the mirror countless times: "Li Zhenyun, what's wrong with you?" .

But I still can't control my heart, I miss him day after day.

Such days continued until I said the phrase "Can I like you?" to him in the painting

At that moment of lightning and flint, I was frightened by my words and deeds, and I finally had to accept this fact.

My heart has become humble, and he has become my demon.

For a long period of time afterwards, I tried my best to avoid this truth that I had already known.

Because a man like me who only wants to live a peaceful life, how can he bear such complicated feelings? !

I don't know what kind of mood should I face once the facts are put on the table?

Some people have said that liking is like planting a poison that has no cure!It's something that can't be explained.

Some people are born in a peaceful and prosperous world; some people will not be able to achieve consummation of merit even if they are smashed to pieces.

I often think, if I didn't have that incident with him, would I be the kind of person who belongs to Taiping?

But then I found out that the skin-to-skin kiss on Sunday was just a trigger.From the moment I saw him, I just liked him. Looking at his sad expression, I felt that he was lonelier and more lonely than me.So I fell in love with him unknowingly.

The last time I saw him in high school was at graduation.

He stood in front of me on the left that day, and the ceremony went on for 50 minutes, and I just watched him like this for 50 minutes.

The white clothes on his body pierced through my eyes like the afternoon sun, causing a burning pain.

After the ceremony, I watched him walk out of the school gate step by step from the corner, feeling that the sun was moving away from me inch by inch.

For a moment I wanted to run over and tell him all this, but I didn't do anything.

I think maybe that's what it's like to like someone.You must suppress your feelings and let him be free, so that is not selfish.Maybe everything will pass slowly, and then it will be over from now on.

That night, I drank the first glass of wine in my life.

I used the most numb and helpless way to bury this throbbing youth that could not say goodbye...

After going to college, I gradually understood some things about homosexuality.

I'm not a gay guy who likes when I see a man, it's just that the man I care about and love deeply is the same gender as me.

A withdrawn person like me always lives in the shadow of others.There is no sorrow, and no real joy.

But after meeting him, I felt that I was also a person of flesh and blood. Even though he had brought me shame and pain, I never hated him at all.Although I was sad for him, although I shed tears for him.But these are very precious to me, I no longer need others to tell me what to do and what to do.I have my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own emotions.

I finally live in my own world.

And the memories he left in my world don't seem to be easily erased. When he is not by my side, I realize how important his existence is in my heart.

However, he is a bird in the sky, and I am a fish swimming in the water. When the bird flies over the sky that the fish can see, everything should be over.And the fish's love for the birds is like the bubbles in the water, which will burst after they swell...

Thinking of this, I felt a little relieved. I hid those paintings about him under the box, as if hiding a period of yellowing years, and then burst into tears.

During the winter vacation of my second year in college, my parents ordered me to go home.He said he would introduce me to a girlfriend named Zhou Xiu, who was a teaching assistant in the university and was three years older than me.

She looks like her name, well-behaved, her hair is neatly combed, and she doesn't show her teeth when she smiles.She is very diligent. When she first came to see me at my house, she helped my mother cook and cleaned the floor.

I didn't say anything.Parents are very satisfied.According to their ideas, I will get along with her for a few years, and after I graduate, I will start a family, raise children, and live the rest of my life like this.

I am cowardly, so weak that I don't even have the courage to refute them.

At that moment, I missed him so much.His freedom, his rebellion and everything.

I can never be him.

After seeing Zhou Xiu off, I unexpectedly ran into Wang Xiaoyong at the station.

Although they used to be enemies, it is still pleasant to meet an acquaintance at a time of depression.

He said there was a class reunion and asked if I would come?I thought he might go too, and I hesitated.

He said casually, not going.

On the day of the party, I ended up going.

The thought of seeing him made my heart pound.

But he hasn't come for a long time, so he must be afraid that he won't come.

Yet after my complete disappointment, he showed up.

He still looks like that, with the innocent smile on his face that I like.

He was sitting a few steps away from me, as he had first appeared to me.

At that moment, I felt something in my heart bound me round and round, so tight that I couldn't tear it apart or shake it off.

I know that everything that can restrain me must have something to do with him.

The whole party, I did not speak to him.It was just that Wang Xiaoyong sang two songs together in the end

He sang "Sorry, I Love You"

His clean and clear voice gradually entered my heart, like fireworks in the world.

And the memory in my heart gradually recovered, reminding me of the throbbing youth that once existed.

When it was my turn to sing, I sang the song "Just Like You" thinking about the little things we had with him

In the karaoke hall, the light blue lights reflected a slight sea smell in the room.

I feel like a little fish

It's just that no one will know that this little fish also has his humble love

And he would never know that there was once a man who loved his jade-like tenderness and was willing to protect him for the rest of his life.

Late that night, I stood on the balcony and lit a cigarette, using fireworks to write his name in the night sky, just like the throbbing he brought me, silently.

On the second day of the class reunion, I went to make an appointment with Zhou Xiu alone.I told her that I can't accept her, because my love is only once, and there is no room for anyone else in my heart.She expressed regret, saying that she and I had no fate.

fate?I have no fate with her.And he has no fate.If you have to involve that Sunday, you can only say that this is a bad relationship

When I said goodbye to Zhou Xiu, I told her that I must get eternal happiness.

Looking at the back of her leaving, I am a little confused, she will have her own happiness, but what about me?

Maybe I'd rather spend the days missing him, knowing he exists.Imagine meeting him again in a year or ten years or somewhere unintentionally, it doesn't matter if you don't speak, just seeing him once is enough.

Then spend the rest of your life with this fate...

After graduating from college, I found a job abroad.Far away from home, away from parents, away from the memories of the past.

My mother would call from time to time, saying some innocuous words, mostly to introduce me to a girlfriend.Of course it's still her favorite type.She said that I am young and have shallow eyesight, so don't find someone who is either a demon or a spirit.

Occasionally, old classmates such as Wang Xiaoyong and Xiao Li will call to say hello. I am a withdrawn person and I don’t have many friends. Therefore, even those who have had festivals, I still cherish them...

From Wang Xiaoyong, I got his phone number, but I didn't have the courage to call him.

I don't know if everyone is like me, there is always someone in my heart, even if I spend my whole life, I will never forget it.No matter how hard you try, it won't help.The memory of this person cannot be given up, cannot be narrated, and eventually becomes the deepest and most serious dark wound in the bottom of my heart.

However, what I didn't expect was that the person who brought me a dark wound would take the initiative to come to the place where I live to find me.

I was so nervous that I didn't know what to do, so I poured water into my own cup and handed it to him.

I saw his lips printed on my cup, and my heart collapsed in an instant.

The atmosphere in the room became a little awkward. After a long time, it was not until he spoke first that he calmed down.

When I heard him talk about going abroad and visas, my heart sank heavily, and I asked him, "Will you come back in the future?"

He said, "Maybe I won't go back. I finally went out. It's so boring to come back. That's why I came to see you. I can't wait to see all my old classmates. Fortunately, you are close to me..."

My heart ached, and I always felt that he was a light that led me out of the darkness in this world that I hate, and it would shine until the end of my life.But I never thought about the feeling of this lamp?I never thought that he would really stand by in my life without complaint or regret.

And now he came to say goodbye to me.Goodbye means never see you again, right? !

The atmosphere in the room became awkward again, and after a long time, he asked me "Do you have a girlfriend?"

I was silent for a moment, then told him "no, never"

I didn't tell him that I've been single for so many years because of him; I didn't tell him how much I missed him; I didn't tell him how many times I hung up the phone in a hurry when it was about to ring , and then I stood alone on the silent and empty road, holding the phone blankly, at a loss...

After saying some pleasantries, he got up and was about to leave.

The moment he stood up, I stopped him, "Can I ask you a question?"

I have fantasized countless times that he loves me too. Even if his love is not as strong as mine, it is by no means pure revenge on me.At this moment, my desire for the unknown answer is so strong.

He looked up at me, his eyes were the same as before, shining brightly, shaking like fragments of sunlight.

"A long time ago, Xiao Li threw away my clothes. I found out the next day because he told me. I want to know, why did you go to find it, wash it and return it to me?"

These words almost exhausted all my strength, and my heart felt relieved like a stone fell to the ground.

He rubbed his hands a little cautiously, and then said to me, "I'm sorry, I didn't think about anything else, I felt that I was too much, so I wanted to make it up, but I know it's useless to say anything now, but we won't meet again in the future I hope you forget about that unpleasant incident..."

I listened to his words in silence, and in the silence was the pain that had lasted my life.

The tone of his words is light and shallow, but for me, these few words are powerful enough to make me shattered.

In fact, since that Sunday, I've been torn apart.

A man who is broken can only be mended by the one who has broken him.

Everything in the world is irreplaceable.

I endured the great sadness in my heart and said to him, "I won't take it to heart, I just hope you will live happily in the future"

He didn't know that when I said these words, my heart was bleeding.

However, for the love that I can't get, all I can do is to be free and easy in front of him...

I sent him out, and then watched him leave in the car, drifting away...

In this way, I bid farewell to him, my sad love, in this way.

In fact, I have been saying goodbye to him all the time, just like I used fireworks to write his name in the night sky, just looking at it is enough, why bother to give up my tears.

But I think that this unforgettable love of mine is not cherished by others.

I still couldn't help the tears from my eyes, dripping on the ground, splashing a grain of dust...

The author has something to say:

finale tomorrow