mortal death

"But there is no one around me, I can't tell my thoughts to others, I have no one to point me out and remind me, I have no experience, no preparation: I plunge into my destiny, like falling into an abyss ” – Stefan Zweig, “Letter from an Unknown Woman”

Not many people go back on National Day, but quite a few go out to play.

An Zhe, the school committee, and a few girls in our dormitory went to the beach, Huang Bai went out to play, and it was so dark that we couldn't see anyone.So I was left alone in the dormitory.

So when Lin Haoran came looking for me, I was really caught off guard.The moment I opened the door, my first reaction was, fortunately, I got up.

I put him in, let him sit on my stool, and I stood in front of him and asked him, "How do you know about my dormitory?"

Lin Haoran looked around and answered me, "Isn't it easy? Auntie who asked below."

I was a little dizzy: "Auntie knows you?"

Lin Haoran took it for granted, "I don't know."

"But I told my aunt that I came to find my boyfriend, and my aunt let me in."

I had question marks in my head, but I didn't take it seriously. If he really said that, he would have been thrown out by his aunt as a pervert.

"Why are you coming to my dormitory?" I rummaged in my cabinet and it seemed that there was no unopened bottled water, so I washed my glass and fetched him a glass of water.

Lin Haoran took it with his right hand, twirled it in his hand, and said, "This is your cup?"

I said, "Other people don't dare to give you a drink. If you don't like it, return it to me."

Lin Haoran looked at the cup carefully, and suddenly said: "No, I just want to ask, this cup—is it a wine glass?"

I took another look at the cup, and it was a transparent round-headed Hypo cup.

I suddenly recalled, and said, "Ang, logically speaking, yes, but I rarely use it. I use this all the time—" I waved the glass bottle in my hand, "I hardly ever use that glass."

Lin Haoran repeated my words again, I didn't know what he meant, so I thought about tidying up the table.

Our table is also chaotic and orderly.

Lin Haoran never drank any water, holding the cup as if in meditation.

I said, "Are you drinking or not?"

Lin Haoran frowned and said, "I think this cup is a bit familiar."

I don't care, these cups are everywhere.

Lin Haoran saw me standing all the time, and said, "Don't stand still, sit down." Heh, it's as if he is the master.

I would like to sit, but this is the only chair.

Lin Haoran put the cup on my table and said, "Come, sit on my lap."

I said, "No, I'll move over there."

As I said that, I walked towards Huang Bai's table and prepared to sit on Huang Bai's chair.

Lin Haoran stood up suddenly and walked over with me. I thought he was going to help me move the chair, but was about to say no.

He stood right behind me, and said in a strange way: "Oh~ I said, why are you so familiar? It turned out to be him, and you two have the same cup."

I looked on the cork table, and sure enough, I saw a cup very similar to mine.

I couldn't laugh or cry: "No, listen to me..."

"Hmph, then tell me."

Just as I was about to speak, Lin Haoran said, "You are not allowed to sit in his chair."

……Fine.

I cleared my throat and said, "Huang Bo has a cup, and I accidentally broke it for him. Then I paid him one."

"Then, why did you also buy one?" Lin Haoran crossed his arms.

"Double Eleven, discounts, buy one get one free."

"Buy one get one free? Why don't you give him both cups?"

I:……

"But he said he couldn't use two cups." I remember Huang Bo saying so.

Lin Haoran was like a mean housewife, looking at me critically: "Besides, you don't use it often, so why do you accept it?"

I choked on his unprovoked sour taste.

I had no choice but to follow him and say, "Then what do you want me to do?"

He rolled his eyes and said, "Throw it away."

"Throw it away? Isn't this money?"

"Then donate."

"Who to donate to?" I was angry and funny.

"...Me." Lin Haoran seemed to have not found a suitable candidate, but then he denied himself, "So I will use the same cup as him? No way. But..."

I said: "You are enough... There are not as many things as you think."

Lin Haoran sighed and said, "Forget it."

I nodded, not understanding why I had to talk to him for a long time about this matter, it turns out that it is true that falling in love will lower one's intelligence.

After packing up the books, I said, "Do you want to go to the library?"

Lin Haoran put his toes together and said, "Then wait for me, I'll go back and get the book."

Later, the cup was still placed on my table as usual, but with a layer of dust on it. Lin Haoran would check the height of the dust every time he came over, and I didn't comment on it.Huang Bai acted as if he didn't know, and never mentioned this matter.Sometimes I really admire Huang Bai's emotional intelligence.

But Lin Haoran bought me a new cup within a few days, and I started using that cup under his strong request.

This is all for later.

Walking on the road, I suddenly thought of a question. I stepped on the fallen leaves on the ground and heard the crunchy crackling sound. I asked Lin Haoran: "How did you see me that day?"

"When?" Lin Haoran followed my example and stepped on the leaves.

"It was the day we met for the first time, on the rooftop." I said.

"That's not the first time we met." By the way, I suddenly remembered that Lin Haoran said that we met when he joined the original music club, but it was a one-sided meeting.

I don't dwell on it, I just want to know: "Say, how did you see me." I elbow him.

Unexpectedly, Lin Haoran smiled arrogantly: "Secret."

Play this game with me?

Lin Haoran said: "It's not that I can't tell you, you first tell me what you wanted to do that night."

I think he guessed it, obviously, I was going to jump off the building.

In other words, in the past, I could say it no matter what, but now, I can't squeeze out a single word.

Lin Haoran pinched my earlobe and said, "Look, there are things you don't want to talk about."

So I stopped asking.

Actually, I still don't know how to tell Lin Haoran about my illness.Depression, although I don't think it's a disease.

But what if?

New Year's Day episode

During the New Year's Eve, Lin Haoran insisted that I post a group photo with him.

I don't like posting on Moments.

Up to now, my circle of friends still has only one happy birthday wish for the motherland reposted on National Day.

The circle of friends is like a place to show yourself, you will post what you want others to see.I don't want to cut my life apart, I don't like the feeling of being watched.

There is a kind of people who are good at expressing, and they have to post every meal, and I belong to the category of people who don't want to be seen.I feel that if I have a good life, people will think I am showing off, and if I have a bad life, there is no need to post it.

But this year is different, I took a photo with Lin Haoran under pressure.Under the beauty filter, I feel that the two of us are like two monsters. I backed down, but I said no filter.

Lin Haoran finished posting on his Moments, waited for a few minutes to see that I hadn't moved, then asked me why I didn't post, I said I didn't have this habit.

Lin Haoran said: "Then when we were together, you didn't make official announcements, and now that it's New Year's Eve, you don't post anything. Can you just post photos?"

This time I didn't back down, I said, "No."

Lin Haoran was angry.

This is the first fight we've had since we got together.The reason is that there is no circle of friends.

Alas, this year passed.

I went to coax him: "Don't be angry, you see that you have been angry from last year to this year."

Lin Haoran said, "Then, are you going to post it or not?"

I said, "It's too late for me to post now. It's over."

The moment it was sent out, I saw that the time had changed to January 1nd.

Lin Haoran: ...Good night.

When I was about to go to bed, I saw Lin Haoran send me an emoji of gnashing teeth.

He said that the more I thought about it, the angrier I became, and the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't sleep.

I coaxed him in a daze: Be good, I will definitely next time.

Well, definitely next time.