mortal death

"You are the fire in the winter night, a little bit of starlight, slightly warming people's hearts, just like a camellia lamp, giving the world fragrance." - "Winter Collection"

I admit I was moved.

The warm breath from the tip of his nose sprayed on my face, and I felt his lips imprinted on my face. I didn't push it away, but he took it as a default and licked my lips with the tip of his tongue, and I felt a little numbness in the back of my head.

My heart was beating wildly, and I took a step back belatedly.

Lin Haoran opened his eyes and looked at me with gentle eyes.I feel my face is burning.

Ask him, "When are we going back?"

Lin Haoran answered irrelevantly: "No wonder everyone hugs when they kiss."

God knows what he's talking about?

Lin Haoran sighed, and led me out: "Go back."

I didn't dare to ask him why he kissed me.Maybe the atmosphere is too good.

But Lin Haoran didn't seem to see that I was avoiding it, so he said, "Why didn't you hide when I kissed you?"

"I hid!"

Lin Haoran laughed, and his fingers trembled to my side, so I realized that we have been holding hands.

I quickly shook off his hand.

A little distance apart.

Lin Haoran laughed enough, and just said: "Okay, I hope you won't push me away next time."

And next time?

I wanted to question him, but after thinking about it, I decided to ignore him. Once this kind of person falls into their trap, he won't be able to get out.

Lin Haoran stopped suddenly, I didn't know what he was going to do, so I stopped with him.

He looked at me, suddenly serious: "Seriously, stay with me."

I was a little taken aback, I didn't expect him to say it so bluntly.

I have some words: "I, you, I...you are very nice..."

Lin Haoran rubbed his temples: "Wait, don't send out a good card. I'm not a girl."

For a while, I didn't know what to say, so we both stared like idiots.

It was Lin Haoran who broke the embarrassment and asked me: "Then do you like girls? Or boys?"

I thought for a while: "Does this question make any sense?"

Lin Haoran asked in a different way: "Then ask me this way, is it because I'm a boy that you don't stay with me?"

I shook my head, feeling sad again in my heart.

Lin Haoran crossed his hips and asked again: "Then if I were a girl, would you be with me?"

I thought about it: "No."

Lin Haoqi smiled, turned around on the spot with his arms crossed, and asked again: "Why?"

I said: "You are so naive, how can liking someone change because of his gender?"

Lin Haoran's eyes lit up: "So that means, I still have a chance?"

I bowed my head: "No, you are fine, you should find someone better. You should not come to me." Bad people like me.

Lin Haoran didn't speak, we walked to the door of the dormitory, and when we were about to enter, Lin Haoran yelled at me: "Wait!" , Shrunk his neck and ran back to the dormitory.

When I opened the door, I saw Huang Bai sitting on a chair. An Zhe was a little surprised when he saw me: "Yo? You're back? Huang Bai has been waiting for you all night."

I looked at Huang Bai in surprise, Huang Bai still looked awake, but his eyes were sharp.

I thought he was going to ask where I was.But he didn't ask.He just complained half-sarcastically: "I thought you were going to stay out at night? I'm sorry for you."

I was a little guilty, but also grateful for Huang Bai's sense of proportion, neither far nor near, so I smiled at him.

At night, I thought about what Lin Haoran said carefully. I am indeed not completely heterosexual. I have no opinion on love of any gender. If I have to say it, then I am polysexual.In fact, I have never thought about who I will be with in the future. In my plan, there is no such thing as love. For me, love is a dispensable thing.

Because I don't plan to get married, my parents' deformed marriage makes me fear marriage, so love becomes lighter.I thought about it a long time ago, the best love is the combination of the three views of both parties, it is plain and romantic, it is romantic, and it is also inconspicuous.At least, I want to be able to stand side by side with each other.

But if this person is Lin Haoran, I think it is unequal.

If Lin Haoran stood on the podium, then I must be the audience in the last row.We don't fit, I said to myself again.And I've thought it through.

I made up my mind to avoid Lin Haoran, he was too blunt and enthusiastic, and I thought my heart would throb involuntarily, but reason told me, no.

I took the materials given to me by the teacher of the professional course and found the Academic Affairs Office. To be honest, it has been almost two years, and I still haven't remembered the coordinates of these administrative offices.

I looked at the door numbers one by one, and suddenly a voice stopped me: "Chen, Chen Gong?"

I turned my head and saw that it was Zhao Rui from the same class. My memory of Zhao Rui was still in the last time we were in the same group and discussed together. I have a good impression of her.

Zhao Rui was wearing a black short sleeve. She seemed to be thinner, her hair was cut short, and there were obvious black spots under the corners of her eyes.

She asked me: "Are you here for the academic affairs?"

I waved the information in my hand: "The teacher asked me to send it over."

Zhao Rui nodded: "Let's go in together."

There are several teachers in the teaching affairs, I searched for the name tag, and then sent it to a teacher Wang.

When I just turned around and was about to go out, I heard the teacher in front of Zhao Rui say impatiently: "You must go to your counselor first if you want to suspend school. You must suspend class first."

Zhao Rui came out after me, keeping her head down.

I was a little embarrassed, and asked out of words: "You are going to suspend school." I regretted it as soon as I finished asking.

Zhao Rui didn't show any special expression, she just said, "Go, go out and talk."

The two of us walked under the shade of the trees. There are so many trees here that mosquitoes are terrible in summer.

Zhao Rui sighed, messed up her slender hair, and said, "It's so annoying, I didn't expect it to be so difficult to suspend school."

I asked cautiously, "Did something happen to you?"

In fact, asking this sentence is a bit deviant, we are not familiar with each other.

Zhao Rui has nothing to hide: "Ah. I'm sick."

My first reaction was to glance at her, she looked alive and kicking, not sick.

Zhao Rui seemed to smile wryly: "It doesn't look like it?"

I nodded.

Zhao Rui stuffed her papers into her schoolbag and said to me, "I'm not afraid to tell you. Depression."

I felt a "click" in my heart.I don't think it's such a coincidence.

Zhao Rui seemed to open up the conversation: "It's not a secret, everyone in the dormitory knows it, but everyone treats me well, after all, I don't have an infectious disease."

"Depression, it's really terrible. It breaks my psychological defense bit by bit."

I felt a little panicked in my heart. I could understand her feelings, but I didn't want to say it. Speaking out would not ease her emotions, but would aggravate them.

So I asked, "When did it start?"

Zhao Rui shook her head: "I don't know anymore. When I realized it, it should be in the first semester of my freshman year. I didn't want to review, I didn't want to go to school, I didn't want to go to class, I felt very tired, so I wanted to sleep. I thought I was just tired. Later I found that I would unconsciously shed tears, and my arms were full of scratches from fingernails. When I found out, I was very scared, and I cut all my nails afterwards."

She said here and smiled, "At that time, my friend asked me why I didn't do manicures now... I said, I don't like it anymore, it's too troublesome. She said I'm lazy."

I seemed to see her helpless, shivering under the quilt in fear. Looking at her, that face became my own.A drowning-like suffocation hit me.

Seeing that I didn't respond to him, Zhao Rui stopped talking.

I tried my best to calm down, and said in my own voice: "Actually, I almost jumped off the building when I was last semester."

Zhao Rui looked at me in surprise, and I saw something called sadness in her watery eyes.

Sadness is a feeling that only those who have experienced it can have.

Zhao Rui asked, "Then how do you feel now?"

I shook my head: "Sometimes it feels bad, but sometimes I feel like I'm numb, and I can't feel anything."

Zhao Rui said to me seriously: "Have you taken your medicine?"

I still shook my head.

Zhao Rui said to me like a person who has been here: "You need to buy some medicine, really, the medicine still has a certain effect." But she quickly smiled, "It's just that it costs a lot of money, and I used to hide it from my parents When buying medicine, they asked me where the money had gone, and I said I was chasing stars, and I was almost beaten to death."

I chuckled lightly, expressing my understanding.

Zhao Rui emphasized to me again: "Let's take some medicine."

I'm silent, I don't want to take medicine because I don't think I'm sick, yes I don't think depression is a disease, I don't even think there's such a thing as mental illness and mental illness.

Zhao Rui seemed to understand me: "Many people think that only those who are mentally weak will suffer from depression. When my dad heard that I was sick, the first thing he said was to scold me for my poor mental quality. In fact, it is only us I know, it’s not that the mind is not strong enough, it’s that the strength is overloaded, and I always believe that extremes will reverse.”

A good thing must be reversed.

I took a deep look at her.

Zhao Rui stopped and said goodbye to me: "Maybe it will be a year before we meet next time, and we will all be good by then." She smiled at me like a heroine in a literary movie, The smile was warm and clean, and there was nothing gloomy about it.

I smiled back and watched her go away.

Just as he was about to turn around, he bumped into a warm wall.

I stepped back quickly and kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

He raised his head and saw Lin Haoran at a glance. When he was wondering why he was here, Lin Haoran seemed a little unhappy and said, "I thought you were going to stand here and watch until it was dark."

I suddenly realized that he saw Zhao Rui and me. For some reason, I felt a desire to explain, but I didn't speak.

Lin Haoran glanced in the direction Zhao Rui was walking, and said to me, "Student?"

He asked this question very well, he didn't ask who the girl was, because I might lie and say that she was the one I liked, but he asked me if I was a classmate, and I just had to answer yes or no, so I killed him Lost many possibilities.

So I deliberately said ambiguously: "Now it is."

This answer——

It depends on how he understands it.

Classmates now, friends later.

I am a classmate now, and a passerby in the future.

Who can tell what will happen in the future?

The corners of Lin Haoran's tense mouth suddenly curled up, as if a small hook was hanging on my heart, and I clearly felt the sound of my heart "thud--" loudly.

He smiled and said, "I didn't expect you to be joking."

Our eyes looked at each other for a second, and I should look away first, because I was afraid that he would see the gratitude in my eyes.

At this moment, I admit that staying with Lin Haoran is very comfortable.

He can make me happy, happy in my heart.