PS. 1437

Seventeen

The extreme busyness made me gradually lose the sense of time passing, which is also a good thing.

Only in this way can I feel that time runs faster and allow me to quickly complete my purpose of coming to the United States.

In a blink of an eye, summer, autumn, and winter seem to be over at double fast-forward speed.

It’s the new year again, and I received a card from Xiaojie, as well as snacks from Taiwan.

"Sister:

Long time no see, how are you?Although we talk on the phone and chat from time to time, if we don’t see you, we will miss you very much, just like you will miss your teacher XD.

In a blink of an eye, I finally graduated and became a doctor in a white robe.I always remember what my mother said before she died, cancer will not go away, so I worked hard to get good grades, and took the lead in choosing the Department of Hematology and Oncology.I know that life will be very busy and tiring in the future, and you are in the United States, right?I will work hard!like you!

Oh yes, I have a girlfriend!Ha ha!We were only together at the end of last year, and it's only been two months now. Let me show you the photos. If you come back one day and find that it's not her, you have to pretend you don't know!Not everyone is like you and your teacher!Although I hope we can last for a long time, you have to help me cheer!

Alright, by the way, I will send you some snacks that you like to eat in Taiwan, so you can save some food!come on! "

I gently closed the card and sat on a chair on campus looking at the sky.

"Teacher and I..." I said helplessly, it seems that Xiaojie really doesn't know that we are over.

"That's good, otherwise he will definitely call and ask questions..." I said to myself.

"Who is asking what?" Philip's head suddenly appeared in my sight.

"Why did you suddenly appear?" I was really taken aback.

"It's because you've been in a daze for a long time, okay?" He automatically sat down beside me.

"Oh, there's no way, come out and bask in the sun while there is still sun." I like the time to bask in the sun by myself.

"Oh, what's that?" He saw the little box on my lap.

"My brother sent me something," I said, putting the card in and covering it.

"Lend me a look." He looked at me and asked.

"Dream." I took the box away.

Stand up and prepare to go back to the research room.

"Sister, let me have a look." He followed behind me.

"I said no. I'm going back to the laboratory to write a report on my recent internship. What about you, go and change your program if you have nothing to do." I ignored his Lu.

"Hey, you're so mean!" he grumbled.

"Yes, there is no way." I turned around and gave him a grimace.

Push open the door of the research room and isolate him from my world.

Perhaps it is correct to say that he never came in.

I know he really wants to. After he came back from California last summer, his intention to chase me became more and more obvious. Alisha told me that he asked Kevin and them about me, but they were also questioned. Although I often hang out with them, I seldom talk about myself, and I am also mysteriously alone. That sentence was added by Joan.

At this time, I am very grateful to Alisha for her confidentiality.She said that Philip also asked her about me, but she only said lightly, asking him to ask me himself, because she can't say about me.

I was so moved to tears when I heard it.

Then everyone knew that Philip wanted to chase me.

Since then, everyone's "exit" action has changed from sneaky to aboveboard.

But I still don't care.Let's wait until he confesses to me.

I went back to the research room, dumped all the contents of the box on the table, and couldn't help smiling.

Xiaojie really still remembers what I like to eat.

"Wow, you have much snacks!! (Wow! You have a lot of snacks!)" Alex, who was in the same laboratory as me, just passed by.

"Yeah...My brothers senttome. Do you want some (yes, my brother sent it to me. Do you want to eat it?)" I said to him with a smile.

"No, I just want to discuss something with you. (No, I came to discuss something with you.)" He handed me a piece of information.

I took it over to look at it and discussed it with him.

After he left, I just thought, Xiaojie's girlfriend! !

I found the photo from the envelope containing the card. It is a very handsome girl. This guy Xiaojie is really thinking about eating three bowls of gongs!

I ate my snacks and continued to wrestle with papers and casework.

I think many people know that "efforts may not be affirmed", and I am no exception.

It was a day in the second semester of my Ph.D., and I inevitably had a big fight with my boss.

Or rather, intense communication.It was so intense that the whole lab knew about it.

In fact, it's not a big deal to put it bluntly, but it's just that each of them insists on their own opinions and refuses to give in. That's all.

I walked out of the laboratory with a stomach full of grievances, not understanding why the boss who always knew what I was doing suddenly overturned the pre-test we had done together, and completely negated the conclusions we had discussed together.

This means that my thesis may have to be rewritten, and I must find more cases to do qualitative research, which disrupts my original plan.

This also means that I can't go back to Taiwan at the scheduled time to find her.

I sat on the bench next to the car, feeling so depressed, so depressed.

If she's there, fine, I wrap my arms around my feet and bury my head in my knees.

I miss her so much, I really miss her so much.

Where did she go after leaving me?She said she would work hard to be promoted to a professor, so what now?Does she still live where she was?Or were you afraid that I would really fly back to find her, so you simply moved?Is she still in Taiwan?Or back to America?Will her bad habit of drinking coffee on an empty stomach every morning come back?

It has been almost two years, and I can still tell everything about her familiarly.

About her habits, expressions, movements, but gradually forget her face.

But I believe that when she appeared in front of me, I would know immediately that it was her.Even if only the sound is heard.

The reason is because I can't bear the kind of longing that I will see her when I close my eyes.

"I am so weak now, and where are you?" I said in a voice that only I could hear.

"I should go back to the table and think about what to do next, but now I want to give up. Can you just show up for a while?" I cried alone.

But there was nothing around me except the spring wind with a bit of chill.

I took out my mobile phone from my pocket, and with trembling hands, I still dialed that one, which I have never answered in two years.

As I expected, it still didn't work.

But my purpose is actually just to listen to the sentence she recorded before it was transferred to voicemail: "Hi! I can't answer your call now, please leave your message, and I will call you later. .)”

It was the only thing I could hear, her voice.

"Why don't you answer my phone, but don't stop it? What do you want me to do? Do you kindly leave me a lifebuoy when I can't bear the loneliness?" This is my first time, leaving a message.

Will she hear it?I have no idea.

Just like the e-mail I sent her, there was no return or reply.

I got home, turned off my phone, and buried myself under the quilt.

I wanted to isolate myself from the world again.

So, I began to live a life of disappearing and invisible again.

On the third day, Alisha appeared again.

"What's the matter this time?" She asked when she saw me sitting on the sofa as soon as she entered the door.

I told her about the quarrel with the boss.

"Is that the only way? You don't seem like someone who would hide because of this kind of thing." She looked at me and said after listening.

I lowered my head and stared at the floor quietly.

"Think of her again, don't you?" she asked softly.

I nodded.

Then we were silent together.

"I don't know what she is thinking. She didn't answer my call but the phone didn't stop; she didn't reply to my e-mail but the letter was not returned... Is she kind enough to leave me an outlet for loneliness? Or is she pitying me? Me?" After a long silence, I spoke first.

"Would you really be happier if she really broke through?" Alisha looked at me and asked.

I looked at her blankly, I don't know.

"You don't know either, do you?" she said with a smile.

"Oh, really, no matter how shrewd and capable a woman is, she will become stupid when she encounters feelings." Her tone was clearly entertaining.

I stared at her and still didn't speak.

"If you can't do anything, and you can't change anything, just learn to accept it. I always feel that you haven't accepted the fact that she has chosen to leave. You have to accept it before you are qualified to say that you want to get it back. Otherwise, like now Things will definitely happen again like a ghost hitting a wall." She said seriously.

"Why do you know this?" I asked her.

"I forgot where I saw it. Anyway, it means that you have to accept the loss before you can have it again. Those who are in power are obsessed, and bystanders are Qingluo. First learn to accept that although she left you, she still loves you. You'll know how to love her when you see her." She shrugged.

"Hmm..." I seemed to understand what she wanted to say.

"Okay, I'm just here to make sure you're still alive, and everything else is fine. Oh right, I'm worried that the elementary school boy who likes you so much that he can't find you these days." The treacherous smile returned to her face.

"Oh yeah, how do you know?" I asked.

"He's been looking for people to ask about your whereabouts, but no one knows," she said.

"Oh, just let him worry about it, we can't have anything anyway. He'll be gone when he gets tired," I said.

"You really don't think about him, do you? He is excellent and handsome. I heard that many girls have a crush on him." Alisha's gossip skills are really top-notch.

"I don't think about it. Anyway, he doesn't have to worry about anyone wanting him." I replied without thinking.

"I said, sometimes it's not a bad thing to distract others, especially someone like you who loves to dig into horns." She said in an admonishing tone.

"Oh yes, thank you teacher Alisha." I politely said thank you to her.

"Forget it, I'll ignore you. Once you figure it out, go out and resume your life." She stood up and walked towards the door.

"Okay, I see." I didn't mean to send her off.

"I'd better keep your key, lest one day you will smell bad and no one will find out." She shook my key.

I shrugged, gave her a "whatever" look, and watched her go.

"So, am I going to accept now that I've lost you?" I asked myself looking at the ceiling.

Then there was a suffocating silence for me.

"Okay, Shi Ping, goodbye, but you wait, one day, I will make you mine again." After a long time, I said to myself in a firm voice.

After another three days, I went to my teacher with my newly written research proposal.

The result went smoothly beyond my expectation.

The teacher said that he was too emotional that day, and then he went back and carefully looked at the results of our pre-test, and found that it was not as bad as he thought, and there were still some information that could be used, but those who did not get results were really It's time to do it all over again.

After two hours of discussion, we quickly drew up the next research plan, and I knew that my busy life was about to start again.

When I came out of the research room with a relaxed mood, I saw Philip at the door, apparently waiting for me.

"Where did you go?" He saw me and stepped forward worriedly.But his tone made me unhappy.

"I'm in a bad mood, stay at home and write a research plan." I said without any emotion.

"Why don't you even turn on your phone when you're at home?" His tone turned into a question.

"I need quiet." I suppressed my anger and said coldly.

"Can't you just talk to me?" He reached out to grab me, but I pulled away immediately.

"Excuse me, why do I need to tell you my whereabouts? Mr. Xing?" I asked him rudely.

"Why do you always reject me thousands of miles away?" His attitude suddenly softened.

"I'm a loner. If you say that I keep you thousands of miles away, then you can also say that everyone is thousands of miles away from me." I said calmly.

"I like you." He said suddenly.

I couldn't help laughing, how could someone confess in this way.

"I know." I didn't hide my smile.

"So I was sentenced to be out long ago?" His expression was sad.

"You know, there is a person in every woman's heart, a person she loves with her heart for the first time, and no one can replace that person." I said softly.

"Yeah." He nodded.

"I've always regarded you as my brother, sorry, I can't be with you." I said, I know it's heartless.

"Then, can I take care of you?" He asked again.

"No, I don't want to give you expectations and let you down in the end." I shook my head.

"You said that you regard me as a younger brother, and I also regard you as a sister. Sisters and brothers will take care of each other, right?" For a second, his face seemed to overlap with Xiaojie's.

"Yes, I regard you as a younger brother, but can you really treat me simply as a sister?" I asked him back.

He froze and didn't answer.

"If you can't help it, don't, I can't stand too much emotion." I finished, ignored his reaction, walked around him, and headed for my car.

Maybe it's heartless to leave him outside in a bit of cold, but I'd rather get my word out at once, so I don't have too many questions later.

I suddenly wanted to meet Alisha for dinner.In this way, we made an appointment at a restaurant near my house.

"What's the matter? You asked me for dinner suddenly?" She asked as soon as she sat down.

I want her to order first.

After the waiter left with the menu, I told her what happened with Philip just now.

"Hahahahaha! That kid really confessed like that?" She laughed and asked me.

"Yeah, it took a lot of effort not to laugh." I said.

"But you really reject people so ruthlessly." She propped her head on her hands and asked me.

"Otherwise? It's good for both of us to make it clear once. I hate the kind of situation where the enemy is hooked up." I said directly.

"Oh, yes, that's fine, don't give hope if we don't get together," she said.

Soon, the things we ordered were delivered one after another, and we ate and chatted about what we had.

She probably learned to be good, and didn't ask me anything about the teacher again.

"Have you thought about how you're going to get along with Philip in the future?" she asked me as we were finishing our meal.

"It should depend on how he gets along with me." I thought while eating dessert.

"What do you mean?" She seemed to really not understand.

"If he still chases me like a girl, then I will be very cold and even ignore him. But if he really treats me as a sister, then I will do what I said and treat him as a brother .I have very clear boundaries for this kind of thing." I told her.

"I believe." She nodded.

"I think, I have been trained to know what I want." I said quietly.

"Is it because of... her?" Her question seemed very cautious.

I nodded slightly.

"Because of her, I know that I don't have time to waste on unnecessary things." I looked at her and said.

"Is this good or not..." she asked helplessly.

"I don't know, I just know that if I don't hurry up, I really won't be able to catch up with her." When I said this, my mood was extremely complicated, and I could understand more and more. " concerns.

"Just know what you're doing," she said finally.

After returning home that day, in the middle of the night, I received a text message from Philip, to the effect that he apologized for his recklessness today, and hoped that he could still be my friend in the future.

I took a look and just passed "It's okay." to him.

Be careful what you say at such a sensitive time.

In the days that followed, we were indeed like friends, or sisters and brothers.

He didn't cross the line, and I certainly wouldn't.

Having regained my research direction and motivation, I started working day and night again.

"Sister, your complexion is very bad today, are you okay?" Philip sat in front of me and asked when we were having dinner one day.

"It's okay, I'm just a little tired, just go home and take a hot bath to sleep." I said, but in fact I was already in a trance.

"Really? Let me touch your forehead." After he finished speaking, he put his hand on my forehead without waiting for my reaction.

My dizzy head made me unable to dodge.

"You've got a fever!" he yelled.

"No, I'll just go home and get some sleep." I pushed his hand away.

"No wonder, go see the school doctor." He said.

"No, I hate going to the doctor." I ignored him.

"No, I'll be very worried if you do this." The worry on his face couldn't be more obvious.

"It's okay, I'll go back first." I struggled to stand up, ready to move to the car.

"You're really..." He followed me to my feet.

"Just tell you I'm fine, don't follow me all the time." I became impatient.

"But I can't rest assured if you're like this." He followed me closely without giving up.

"Hey, I don't like this..." I turned around, trying to make it clear to him, but I didn't expect it, probably because the movement of turning around was too big and too fast.

Yes, I passed out.

When I opened my eyes again, I saw Alisha beside me, and the drip stand on the other side.

"Ape, what are you doing?" She saw me awake and asked worriedly.

"Where is this place?" I asked her.

"This place, in vernacular, is called the health care room." She explained to me in Chinese very kindly.

"Oh, why am I here?" I asked again.

"Dare to say, you quarreled with Philip, and then passed out, scaring him to death. He called me after he sent you here, and I'm here." She quickly explained the situation to me.

"Oh, what about him?" I asked.

"Go shopping, I should be right back." As soon as she finished speaking, Philip opened the door and came in.

"Sister, are you awake, are you feeling better?" He immediately leaned over and asked.

"Yes, thanks." I said with a smile.

Alisha's cell phone rang, she looked at it, and went outside the room to answer it.

"Sister, you were crying all the time just now." He said while sitting beside the hospital bed.

"What?" I was startled myself.

"That's right, when you passed out just now, it seemed like you had some kind of dream. You should be the one who dreamed in your heart, because you kept asking why..." He looked at me and said.

"Hmm..." I don't know if it's because of illness, but I feel so fragile now.

"Okay, don't pretend to be strong in front of me?" He asked, holding my hand.

I lowered my head and didn't speak, but tears dripped down involuntarily.

Philip stood up, walked over to me, and gently rested my head on him.

I didn't resist, just let the tears flow wantonly like this.

I don't know how long it took, but I fell asleep again when I didn't feel anything.

In a trance, I seemed to hear Alisha telling Philip something about me. I wanted to get up to stop it, but I was so weak that I couldn't even open my eyes.

When I woke up again, it was already the next morning.

Philip sat on the chair next to him, and fell asleep lying on the edge of the bed in the standard "primary school student's lunch break posture".

Looking at him, thinking of the situation of crying on him yesterday, I tried to recall what happened yesterday, what was it that made me cry in front of him so abnormally?

Illness, I suppose.

"You're awake." He looked up and met the way I was looking at him.

"Why are you sleeping here? Where's Alisha?" I asked him.

"She went back first..." He hesitated to speak.

"What do you want to say, just say it." I calmly looked out the window.

"Alisha probably told me what happened to you," he began.

"What did she tell you?" I was a little nervous.

"She said, you have a lover who loves you very much. Two years ago, when you graduated from your master's degree, she visited you, but in the end she chose to keep you alone and left without saying goodbye, but Alisha also said that she believed in you. The two are still in love, so you can't accept me. That's it," he said, without looking deceiving.

I breathed a sigh of relief, and sure enough the teacher saw Alisha right, so I gave her my key and let her know about us.

"Well, she's right." I nodded.

"Why? Why do you still love him and miss him so much for a person who abandoned you like this?" His voice was slightly agitated, and he clenched his fists to suppress his anger.

"Don't get excited," I put my hand over his clenched fist. "There are so many things that happened between us that you, or Alisha, can't imagine or understand. Without her, I wouldn't be who I am now. Alisha is right, I love her, and now, I still believe that she also You still love me, it doesn't matter if you call me stupid or stupid, which woman can still maintain complete reason in love?" I said softly.

"But you're like this, it hurts me to see it, you know?" He took my hand that was over his.

"I know, but I must also say, even if your heart aches for me until it breaks, I can't be with you. Because my heart has long been given to that person." I smiled softly.

"Is it possible, please, let me be here to take care of you instead of him. Although I can't have it, at least it will make my heart less painful. I don't dare to expect you to treat me as him, but at least , please let my heart not hurt so much, okay?" He took my hand and put it on his heart.

I gently withdrew my hand, not knowing how to respond for a while.

The boy in front of me, no, he should be a man, willing to pay so much for me, but I can't repay him... For a moment, I felt that I was good or bad.

I also can't figure out how someone can treat heartache by "taking care of unrequited love". These happened too suddenly for me.

"Is it still okay?" He lowered his head, I felt his deep, deep sadness, did I hurt him again?

"Phil, is Ape awake?" Alisha suddenly opened the door and came in.

We both looked at her at the same time.

"Uh, did I come at the wrong time?" she said awkwardly.

"No, I was leaving just now, and she will trouble you." After Philip finished speaking, he walked out of the room without waiting for any response from us.

"You two, what happened?" She stared blankly at Philip's leaving back, then at me.

I told her what had just happened.

"Hey, let me tell you, do you really not think about him?" After she finished listening, she looked at me seriously.

"Are you kidding me?" I froze.

"I think, if Fran knew, he would want you to accept him?" Alisha stated her assumption.

"I know she would. But, don't you think it's unfair to Phil? To be with a girl whose heart doesn't belong to him." I asked him back.

She looked at me and said nothing.

"An unequal relationship cannot be maintained for a long time," I said.

"But the relationship you want to maintain for a long time may not be able to last for a long time, right?" Her words were straightforward.

If I'm speechless, I know what she's referring to.

"Ape, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to poke you, but I think you should give him and yourself a chance." Alisha said while holding my hand.

Then we were silent at the same time.

"I will think about it carefully." After a long time, I said this sentence.

In the next few days, Philip didn't show up again, and I rested at home alone. Alisha feared that I might make a mistake by myself, so she came to my house openly and "surprise inspection" from time to time.

"That's enough for you, aren't you tired? I think I'll be scared to death by your sudden appearance one day." I said as I watched her enter the door with big bags and small bags.

"I want to make sure you're alive and well, otherwise Phil will ask me for someone, maybe even Fran will show up." She put the things on the dining table.

"I'm fine, ok" I looked at the pile of things that gave me a headache.

"Phil didn't show up?" she asked me.

I shook my head.

"I don't know where this kid went, and I haven't seen him for the past few days." Alisha started talking to herself.

"Why? Are you worried about him?" I asked teasingly.

"Yes, yes, our infatuated little brother, I don't know what you have done to me." She said.

"How can I get him?" I counterattacked not to be outdone.

"Oh, right, you didn't do much with him, you just let his heart break into pieces..." She sang and acted superbly.

"Otherwise what can I do?" I asked helplessly.

"Just promise him, since he said he only wants to take care of you." Alisha always keeps things simple.

"Oh, it's not that simple, okay?" I walked back to the sofa and sat, watching her put everything in the refrigerator, which has never been my thing.

"I don't know how complicated it is?" She looked up at me.

"People are greedy animals. Once you have it, you want more... Do you understand?" I said my thoughts.

"You mean, you're afraid that what he wants will not only take care of you?" She asked with a puzzled face.

"I said you, how can you be so slow! Of course it is. If you give, you will want to get something in return. I don't believe that there are people in the world who really give and don't expect anything in return." I was really about to roll my eyes.

"What about you? I think if Fran showed up today, but you could only play the role of Phil, you would say the same thing as him, wouldn't you?" .

"...Maybe." I had to admit.

"Then do you hope to get anything for what she has done?" She continued to ask.

"Of course I will...Who would be willing to be a fool who can only give in vain forever?" I asked confidently.

"Yes, no one wants to be a fool. But if you can only stay with her and take care of her if you are a fool, will you choose to be a fool?" She threw the question back more confidently than me.

"......... I will." After thinking about it for a while, I have to admit that I will.

"Then how do you know he's not like you? People attract people who are like themselves, don't they?" She put the last jug of milk in the refrigerator, then walked to sit next to me.

"No way...you and I are not alike at all." I deliberately changed the subject.

"I don't like you, idiot." She pushed me.

Then we laughed together.

"Don't judge him out without giving him a chance. He said that he only hopes you can let him take care of you. Let him try it. If he really messes up in the future, don't worry, I will teach him a lesson for you. And by that time, I think if you refuse him again, he should have a way to refute you." She leaned on me and said.

"I think this is really good or bad, as if you are taking advantage of others." I still don't want to.

"But it doesn't seem so bad to keep refusing people..." She tilted her head and said.

"Hey... Anyway, I'm destined to be a bad guy." I simply leaned back on the sofa.

"Oh, let him try it..." Alisha said.I wonder if she was bought off.

"Oh, let's talk about it when he shows up." I dealt with her perfunctorily.

"Oh, let me tell you, he is the kind of cockroach that can't be killed. He must be busy these days. Maybe he will show up tomorrow. But you, how to respond to him, you have to think clearly .” Alisha is very optimistic.

"Oh, let's talk about it when he shows up." I still said the same thing.

In the evening Alisha and I cooked dinner together, watched a DVD together and then went home.

I lay on the bed, looked at the ceiling, and thought for a long time.

"If I agree to him, does this count as betraying you? Do you know what to say? I think, you will smile and say it's good, but cry secretly..." I muttered to myself, feeling the tears in my eyes wet.

"You want me to do this, right? You hope that someone can divert my feelings towards you, right? If this is what you really want, I am willing to try, but when you appear, I will still be resolute and choose You... I'm so bad, aren't you?" I buried my face in the pillow and cried.

"But, I'm really in pain and tired. I'm still not as strong and free as you. I've been alone for two years. I'm really tired. Where are you?" I said, she couldn't hear the complaint until sleep.