Nancheng, nothing old.

"Ms. Long Yingtai said: 'I slowly and slowly realized that the so-called father, daughter, mother and child relationship just means that the fate between you and him is that you are constantly watching his back fade away in this life. .You stand at this end of the path, watching him gradually disappear at the turn of the path, and he silently tells you with his back: don’t chase.’

But to be honest, most parents in China can't do that.

There is an old Chinese saying: 'If you raise a child to a hundred years old, you will worry about 99 years. 'Parents and children have signed a contract invisibly. This is a social contract. In a society like China, in the name of love, doing what you think is right to interfere in each other's life is probably ordered by your parents. Father, old age is related to son, and the more remote the place, the deeper this kind of contract is, so deep that you can’t say NO, as long as you exude any breath of resistance, you will be like Columbus in the church.

Therefore, marriage, love, work and life are always manipulated, which itself is a tragedy of the general environment and character.

Ordinary is tragic.

The source of tragedy may be love, the love of ordinary people, the love is so deep that people can't breathe.

No wonder some people want to say, some people have said, ordinary is tragedy, of course, this philosophical question stops here.Our relationship with our parents, as well as our relationship with our future children, will take a lifetime to explore, if we can have a child.

However, in the distance, I often miss my mother's loving eyes. I remember that she often pursed her lips when she was doing housework. She had a happy smile on her face. Thinking of it makes me happy. I love her, even if it is her wrinkled face and gray hair. hair, when she babbles while cooking, when she sews me a quilt but dislikes me, I love all of these, and I love her as much as she loves me.The unique love in this world, the great love that parents give to their children, and I am always afraid that one day we will use this love to hurt each other. After all, in my life, there will always be one thing that starts to disobey her, and everything will be difficult to make her As one wishes.For example, I like girls, but I still don’t know how to explain it to her.We have secrets, from primary school, from the first friend, we are still used to share our unhappiness and grievances, as well as achievements and happiness with our parents, but after all, we have secrets, we begin to understand that we are different from others Same, I understand this as being different.But this is something to be proud of, because I admit that the real me, even though I have been afraid, still faces it like a warrior, willing to bleed for it, and unwilling to give in.

But today, alone.I miss my parents, my younger brother at home, and the time when I was a child with no worries. The secrets in my heart at that time are completely insignificant now, and those secrets will not oppress me.But I also think about my own family in the future, the partner I choose (of course she must be Ms. Chen Qinghan), and the lifestyle I want to live.As an independent individual, I'm afraid it will be more and more difficult to live up to my parents' wishes, but I'm afraid to see them cry for me.This is a sin that children cannot bear. "

I walked along the familiar street, and in my mind was the article Lu Yian wrote on a certain gay website years ago. She wrote a long, long article. I don’t remember much. Deep love and longing.

As I walked, my mind was full of her.

It is always a bit deserted after the new year, and the weather is not too good, the whole cloudy day only adds to the air-conditioning.Walking into the alley beside her house, I saw Aunt Li playing mahjong with her neighbors on the side of the street. Aunt Li was very young, driving in her forties, wearing a bright red short down jacket, very festive, her face was always With a smile, I can clearly see the wrinkles in the corners of her eyes and brows, dimples when she smiles, and the side profile looks exactly like Lu Yian.

This is the smile that Lu Yian likes, there are not many wrinkles on his face, and there will be no old tears.

I called her a few steps away, and when she saw it was me, she got up and gave up the mahjong table to someone else.

He took the fruit in my hand and said: "Jiang Ming, just come and play, don't bring anything next time, I'm too lazy to take it."

I smiled and said, "I was so taken care of by my aunt and uncle before, so I'm embarrassed to come here empty-handed."

"What's the matter with embarrassment, Jiang Ming is so obedient, your Uncle Lu and I both like it very much."

I followed behind her, Aunt Li was the same as Lu Yian, not tall.

"Auntie, is sister Lu at home?"

She stopped and looked at me. "Yi'an didn't come back this year. She has been busy recently, and she has to work overtime during the Chinese New Year. Besides, the company pays her such a high salary, so she should work hard."

"Didn't you come back this year? Sister Lu hasn't been at home for the New Year in two years."

"Well, Yi'an has grown up, she has her career, and her father and I can't help her. We can only let her go on her own. The neighbors praise her for being promising. Her father and I are also proud. "I can hear the sadness in Aunt Li's words, after all, she loves her so much.

"It's just that I'm still not used to it. Yian didn't live on campus in junior high school. When he left home for the first time in college, his father and I were not used to it, but we still stay at home every holiday. Now we don't stay at home for a few days a year. .”

"Didn't you and your uncle go to Beijing to accompany her last year? Why don't you go this year?"

"Yi'an just started working, and we went to increase her burden. She said that she will go home for the National Day this year, and she can stay at home for [-] days with the annual leave. Besides, I only had a video call with her two days ago. Her hair has grown, and she finally doesn't look like a person. It's a boy."

I smiled and said, "Has sister Lu always been like this before? I remember the first time I saw her, she looked like a quiet little boy."

"Yi An was like a little boy since he was a child, but he was not naughty. He was very shy when he was a child."

I followed Aunt Li Li, the alley of a small building with very weak light, the first and second floors.The second floor is where I used to live, and my room is just below Lu Yian's room, but I promise, I never looked at the ceiling and thought of her at that time, but I dreamed of her countless times.So many strange dreams.

"After you moved out, a new resident moved in, but that family left early and returned late, and they didn't have much interaction with us."

Second floor, third floor.At the stairs, I covered my heart for the first time and eavesdropped on Lu Yian's phone call. The snow that night was overwhelmingly white, making the night sky white. Lu Yian said "I miss you" so softly.I covered my heart, because I was nervous, because my heart began to throb. Speaking of it, it was probably from that night that I fell in love with her.

To a girl who has heard the name for a long time, and then fell in love at first sight.

I went to her house with Aunt Li, just like that day, Lu Yiping was sitting at the computer desk playing games, the sound of fighting in the game was ping-pong-pong, Aunt Li ordered him to keep quiet outside.

Lu Yiping was a little thinner than before, but of course he was still fat.With his signature signature, it was a gentle fat man.

He took off the earphones and looked at me: "Jiang Ming, long time no see, you came to find Lu Yi'an."

"No, I know Lu Yi'an didn't go home, so I came to see my uncle and aunt, and see if the fat man has turned into a gentle and thin man. By the way, the college entrance examination is coming, and you still play games."

"Lu Yian calls me every day to let me study, and I want to have fun for a few days during the Chinese New Year."

Aunt Li brought me a bench and brought me a fruit plate and melon seeds.

"Jiang Ming, play here with Yiping first, ask him to give you the computer, watch TV or something, Auntie will cook some dishes for you, and have dinner here at night."

"No need, Auntie, I have to catch the six o'clock bus to go back."

I didn't plan to stay for too long, after all, I would have to take a two-hour bus ride back to the city from County J.I just came here to see Li Sumian, or to meet Lu Yian.

"It's already 04:30, since you're here, don't rush back. Besides, it's too late to go back by the [-] o'clock bus. Otherwise, take a rest. I'll take you to the bus tomorrow morning. You can sleep in Lu Yian's room tonight."

Lu Yiping looked at me and said.

Sleep in Lu Yian's room, Lu Yian's bed.I started to be tempted, but I always refused.

"It's not so good, sister Lu will be angry."

Aunt Li immediately chimed in: "It's okay, I just replaced Yi'an's bed sheet and quilt cover with new ones during the Chinese New Year, but she will have to wait until October when she comes back. You can sleep there and make her room more popular. I I'll call her later."

"Well"

I lowered my head and just saw Lu Yiping sitting on the bed smiling, as if laughing at my inconsistency.

"Then I'll call my mother and tell her that I won't be going back here tonight. It just so happens that I haven't eaten the dishes made by my aunt for a long time, and I miss them very much at school."

My heart is secretly happy, and my heart is concerned.

I was afraid that Lu Yian would mind, but I still stayed in Lu Yiping's room, playing a two-player single-player game with him.

"Jiang Ming, did you fall in love in college?"

"I have a very handsome boyfriend. There are many handsome men and beautiful women in college."

"Then I also want to study hard in college and find a beautiful girlfriend."

"Then you have to lose weight first."

I, Lu Yiping, have always been happy to get along, and my peers always have a lot to say.

"By the way, my sister and sister Qinghan are alright."

I was stunned, I didn't know how to answer, I kept typing on the keyboard, organizing and answering his words in my mind.

He bumped me lightly with his shoulder.

"Where are the eyes looking? The old ghost is down there."

I hit the S key and complained about him. "Why do you ask me about your sister and sister Qinghan? Could it be that you are interested in sister Qinghan?"

"How could it be? Sister Qinghan is my sister. I just want to care about their friendship. Doesn't it mean that girls' friendships are very fragile?"

"Oh, don't worry, they are very good. The relationship between girls is much better than what you guys think."

At dinner, there were only Aunt Li and Lu Yiping.It is said that Uncle Lu went to his friend's house to play mahjong, and because Yi'an sent him money for the New Year, he always went to his friend's house to have fun.After dinner, Lu Yiping invited me to watch a movie in his room, but I thought that I could stay in Lu Yian's room and lie on her bed for the whole night, so I would not be interested in anything.

The intention to go to her room can be described as a concubine's heart is like iron.It was only after eight o'clock, and I entered her room.I told Aunt Li that I was going to borrow some books from her room, and Aunt Li brought me a lot of melon seeds and candies.

I'm coveting her daughter, although I know I can't get it, but I feel guilty for her gentle and kind smile.However, this short period of guilt quickly submerged in Lu Yian's small room. I like every inch of the air, and the furnishings are just as before.Lu Yian did not come back very soon.The order of her books is the same as before, the inkstone on her desk is dusty, and the words she wrote before are still rolled up on the desk.

I asked Aunt Li for a basin and a towel, put warm water in it, wiped her desk and chairs carefully again, and dusted off the dust on her inkstone with a paper towel.Gently took out her books one by one, wiped off a small amount of dust on the book covers and book corners, opened her window, and let the cold wind blow in.

I flipped through those books in turn.

Yi Shu, "Golden Days", p. 37

A Lai, "Dust Settled", p. 83

Baby Annie, Lotus, p. 22

Sanmao, "How Many Flowers Fall in Dreams", p. 112

Also, that thick book, Reminiscence of the Past, which I have never read.

Those, photos of Lu Yian before, those little secrets of Lu Yian, are still lying quietly in the pages of the book, never changed.

Lu Yian's smile, the photo under the light is shining, my eyes, I gently touch her face with my fingertips, slide over her clothes, and rub her short hair.

I kissed her on the cheek.

That one, at the end of December 2007, the photo I saw her for the first time.

Gently hugged in my arms, I hugged that photo and hugged myself.I remembered seeing Lu Yian's lonely back by the window.

I am also alone.In the air of the room, I imagined the past days of Lu Yian. She loved to practice calligraphy and writing on the table by the window, and stared out of the window in a daze.

Outside the dark window, there is nothing in the night sky.

She loves lying on the bed with her legs crossed, reading a book.

And tonight, lying on her boat, I don't want to read.

Her quilt smelled like Sunday laundry detergent.I know that Lu Yi'an hasn't used this flyer quilt cover for a long time, but I forgive her for burying her head in the quilt that night, and gently kissing the pillow of Stitch's cover she likes.

Lu Yian, I love you.

Forgive me, secretly love you.

That night Lu Yi'an called me, she was inquiring about her crimes, asking for rent from me for occupying the home she hadn't returned to for a long time, the bed she hadn't slept in for a long time.

I answered her with a smile, washed the inkstone for her, and sorted out the books, so it was over.

Fortunately, she didn't mind me. She thanked me for visiting her parents and asking about her family.

Her tone was calm and natural, and I couldn't hear a trace of her dislike.I was very happy that night. I dreamed that in the second year of high school, Lu Yian was still an intern teacher in the middle school. I rode her in the car, passing the brightly lit streets from morning to night.The whole dream was full of laughter.

No matter how long it has passed, I still want to thank Lu Yian. Although she has never accepted my feelings, she always respects my humble heart and my careful love when I was young.