Nancheng, nothing old.

Life is too long, and the road is not too far away. I still have to think of her often, and I always connect her with the things I met, the streets I walked, and the books I read. The memory is obviously very thin, but it wants to occupy my life. The many times in the movie invaded my body from every gap, my soul and my nerves were all her, and all my emotions about love were given to her at that time.

Since, I really can't get it anymore, I understand that what I can't forget and can't let go is not just liking, but love.

is my love.

That humble and pitiful love is regarded as supreme by me.

I can't fall in love with others for a while, I need a long time to heal, and in that long time without a rest, I suffer from it.This is what I can't love.

During the winter vacation in 2011, I went home, lived in a new city, a city without friends, and lived in my small room. For a whole forty days of winter vacation, I couldn’t remember exactly what I did, and most of the time I was in a dream.Fortunately, since the sleeping pill accident, there have been no more nightmares.Speaking of it, I am a little unfortunate. Both my parents died early. My grandparents and grandparents only exist in my childhood memory. With my father’s frequent job changes, they have decided to settle here. I have no familiar relatives and friends here. In the city, among the tall buildings, I only stay in one of the small houses. When I go out, people come and go on the street. I am alone and lonely.

Loneliness and breath often linger in my soul. How terrible it is to be alone without friends. Fortunately, I still have some hobbies, and I will stick to the calligraphy that I started because of Lu Yian.

Time doesn't pass slowly, I bought a semi-smartphone with part-time money, and I can spend all day and night under the covers reading novels, crying, and getting through these nights day after day.My parents are working away from home, so I just need to make sure I have three meals a day.After changing to a new mobile phone with a new number, I don't need to contact many people, except for Yuan, who talks on the phone with her every few days.She is one of my few friends who likes the opposite sex, but it is not ordinary, she studies gay literature.

After the winter vacation, when I returned to Beijing, I moved out of the dormitory due to the earthquake in Japan in March.Calm and unaffected university life, part-time jobs, internships, and studies.But, I don't have a roommate who slept with me for four years in college. Qingming, who was a sophomore, moved out of the dormitory because of her clear sexuality.

The two girls except Madoka couldn't accept that I liked girls. Although they didn't tell me directly, they never changed clothes in front of me, and they didn't go to the bathhouse with me. The big bathhouses in the north are really embarrassing. So that they thought I would spy on them.

My gaze, even if it was a casual gaze, made them feel violated. In front of them, I suddenly became a member of the opposite sex. When it comes to sex, I always have to be wary unconsciously.At the beginning, everyone was tacitly aware of it, and I also deliberately avoided each other with them, until it was finally revealed.

I remember that it was mid-March, I went shopping with Ah Yuan that day, and I was very happy when I came back. When I entered the house, I didn’t knock on the door. The girl who pushed us in and went in by the window was changing clothes. As soon as I entered, she changed Screaming, I apologized and quit.

This is where I live. I just forgot to knock on the door. I am sexually female, but I am a healthy and normal woman. Even if I do too many things, I can’t break the barriers in people’s hearts. It should be so. , Just like I don’t like to eat onions for 20 years, and I feel uncomfortable when I see them.

I understand them, it's not too much.

I told them that I would move out and give me half a month to find a house.They acquiesced, and so did Ah Yuan, probably she also understood that this was for the best, because we would not be able to change each other in this room for another four years or so.

But at that time, I never thought that my new roommate was Han Suxin.

Su Xin, the girl who loves Anita Chang's songs in the bar, Lu Yi'an has a little affection for her.Since Lu Yian’s accident in October 2010, I haven’t contacted her again, but at the beginning, every weekend night, I couldn’t help but go to that bar. When I was lucky, I sat in the same place where she and I used to sit. , at that point, it happened to be that girl singing.

Ever since I knew that Lu Yian liked Anita Mui, most of my mp3s were her songs, Su Xin singing her songs is indeed unique, many people like her.

I always thought that I would meet Lu Yi'an there once in a while, but who knows that it hasn't happened once in such a long time, maybe she no longer wants to come here, or Chen Qinghan didn't leave her alone on Saturday night.But no matter what the reason is, her news has faded out of my world, but I think that girl who likes to wear plain long skirts is very interesting, and I gradually get used to going there once a week, not limited to weekends, anyway, I can’t meet her The person I want to meet, sometimes on Tuesday, sometimes on Thursday.

The night I talked to Su Xin, I can’t remember exactly what day of the week it was. At the end of March, I hadn’t found a suitable house yet, so I went to order the cheapest juice by myself and sat by the window. From 08:30 to [-]:[-], there are usually four songs, and I didn’t see her until [-]:[-] that night. I felt a little lost in my heart, thinking about finishing my drink and going back to find a house, go to the school post bar to ask, and then look at Tongcheng.com When he thought of the house, he held his forehead and sighed.

When I was in high school, I used to hope that I could live in harmony with my roommates and have a deep bedtime friendship like in the novel, but the fact is that now I have to move out alone. In Beijing, I can’t tell my parents. I can't help but sigh when I think about paying the rent.Luckily, the bar wasn't quiet, not everyone was happy, and no one noticed me.

And Su Xin appeared in front of me at this time.

She wore a sky blue body-shaping trench coat, beige cropped casual pants, and brown boat shoes. In Beijing at the end of March, it was still a little cold to expose her ankles.She wore her hair and black-rimmed glasses, and stood in front of me holding two cups of milk tea bought outside.

"hello."

There is some playfulness and joy in her voice, which is different from when she sings.

I raised my head, looked at her glasses, and suddenly didn't respond.

She sat directly across from me and pushed the milk tea into my hand, it was still hot.

"Why are you not up there tonight?"

"I asked for leave on purpose, I always see you sitting here alone, so come over to accompany you." She smiled and said, there were two deep dimples on her face when she smiled, Su Xin is a beauty, that's all she can say.

"I used to see you and Lu Yian together, but recently you are the only one." She spoke in a familiar tone, but she hadn't heard anyone mention Lu Yian for a long time. When I heard these three words, my heart suddenly became sour and twitched. I subconsciously Covering his heart, he quickly pretended nothing happened and grabbed the milk tea.

"Do you know Lu Yian?"

"Yes, I like Lu Yi'an very much. I have known her since the first day she came here, but I have never said a word in a tone."

"Damn, I like Lu Yi'an anyway." I muttered in a low voice

She laughed and said: "Don't think too much, I already have someone I like, but I have been reading Lu Yi'an's works for a long time. There is a column called Yuan Fang, I like it very much, and I read every issue. She is considered A niche writer, few people know about it, but I like it very much.”

Speaking of which, only the things written by Lu Yian, I restrained myself from reading them.

She took the milk tea in front of me and plugged in the straw: "Her original milk tea is delicious."

"By the way, you should know that my name is Han Suxin. I know you asked, but I don't know your name yet."

"Linjiangming, the double wood forest, the river of rivers, the tea of ​​drinking tea."

"Which tea?"

I draw it on the table to show her.

"It's a very artistic name, I like it. Jiang Ming, you just kept sighing, what's wrong?"

She was too familiar with me, so she called me Jiang Ming intimately without asking me.

I told her the truth about renting a house, and said that I had some conflicts with my roommate, and concealed my sexuality.

She said happily: "It's just right, I'm looking for someone to share the rent recently. My ex-roommate has returned to his hometown. You also know that as a student, it is too expensive to afford the rent."

Su Xin is a junior student at BUPT. Due to work reasons, she has to rent a house for a few days a week.The house she lives in is not far from mine, about 10 minutes away by bicycle. She said that having a beautiful woman like her in the house together is a pleasure for the eyes every day, so I share the house with her, and I don’t think deeply that she doesn’t know the school I’m in. , How could it be such a coincidence, let alone thinking about it, not being familiar with her, so rashly sharing a room with a stranger.Probably because she was in a hurry to go to the doctor at that time, and I have always had a good impression of her.In short, that's how it started, the life of living with her for the next two years.

When I first met Su Xin, she was an extremely enthusiastic person.During the Ching Ming holiday, she called her friend in the bar, a 30-year-old young man who played the guitar well, to sing in, and drove his pickup truck to help me with my luggage, but I didn't have much luggage.On that day, there was only Madoka in the dormitory, bedding and clothes, which had been put in vacuum bags the day before, and I only had a few books.Washing utensils, Su Xin said to buy new ones, it is a new beginning, fortunately, I have a part-time job on weekdays, and I also save some money for magazines during holidays, and my parents treat me very kindly in terms of money, so I am not so nervous .

Ah Yuan sent me out, because Su Xin and her friends did not accompany me to the new residence, we just simply said goodbye, and we will see you again when we come back to class after the holiday.

Suxin's residence is just a small house with a bathroom, a small bed that can fit two dormitories, a table, and an old dining cabinet. Comparatively speaking, it is more crowded than a four-person dormitory. With the bed, I don't have to buy a new one.The monthly rent is 1200, and Su Xin said that she and I split [-]-[-], but I refused to take advantage of her, so it was [-]-[-].

When I was a student, I kept it from my family, and rented a house in a place like Beijing. I lived a rather poor life, but fortunately, I had a heart.Shuangri went to the bar with her and worked as a waiter, which turned out to be similar to Lu Jiang's job, but I don't learn bartending.On a single day, I study English in a small room and want to take the postgraduate entrance examination.Su Xin asked me what school I was going to study in, and my first reaction was that it was the Chinese Department of Beijing Normal University.She casually said that Lu Yi'an graduated from the Chinese Department of Beijing Normal University, so far she was speechless.Saturday is tutoring day, three hours of tutoring for girls in the third grade in the morning, 25 yuan for one hour, and 80 yuan for two hours in the afternoon for boys in the first grade of junior high school.On weekends, or studying, or going shopping with Su Xin, she has always been short of money.

I was like this, gradually forgetting the existence of Lu Yian in the busyness of the day.Probably because I have some good friends, Ah Yuan, Su Xin, and even Su Xin Bar know those boys and girls who love music, she always takes me to play, sometimes it’s a luminous music party, sometimes she also plays ball with those boys , and in my heart, Su Xin, who has always been perfect, has no athletic cells, and only sighs beside the court every time. She envies me for this.

I practice calligraphy occasionally, and I have gradually gotten a little better over the past few years.

I began to try to submit some short articles to magazines. Su Xin was my first reader.

When playing with boys, because of his height and previous hard training, it will not be too embarrassing.

Su Xin always held my face and said excitedly, Jiang Ming, you are really amazing.

She said, Jiang Ming, you are amazing.But I, everything I learned, is because of Lu Yian.But we used to work hard because of someone, to live a good and fulfilling life because of someone. At first, it was just to get closer to her, but in the end, it was ourselves who benefited.

Su Xin can also mix wine, non-alcoholic cocktails, or alcoholic cocktails.But at that time, I would not get drunk from a little wine. I often drank beer with boys, and sometimes she and I would get together for beer skewers when we were happy.Her cocktails are much better than Lu Jiang's.

Think to Lu Jiang, my friend.

After the last phone call with her in 2010, I willfully stopped contacting her. She sent me text messages on Christmas, New Year’s Day, and New Year’s that year, and made several phone calls. I neither answered nor returned Text messages, I always think that she is biased towards Lu Yian, and I hate her a little. I no longer use the previous QQ number, and everyone’s status also blocks her, but she does not block me. I still know her daily status. She probably changed a few girlfriends, and then has been working hard for the director's dream.

On Saturday at the beginning of May, my tutor came back and lay on my little bed tired. At that time, it was past seven o’clock, and I was waiting for Suxin to bring me food from outside. At that time, I suddenly wanted to call Lu Jiang. I thought about it very much, and it didn't matter whether she was at work or not.

The phone was still connected, and the person who answered the phone was Lu Jiang. I knew it as soon as she opened her mouth, but she didn't know it was me, so she just asked repeatedly on the phone, "Hi, I'm Lu Jiang, who are you .”

"Hello?"

She was very noisy over there, I don't know if she still works in that bar.When she asked the third time, I finally answered her.

Jiang Ming?She is very happy.Her side gradually quieted down, she should have left that lively place.

"Jiang Ming, have you been mad at me?"

"No, I'm too self-willed." Probably too tired, or maybe it was because I haven't contacted her for a long time, my voice was extremely gentle that night.

"I'm sorry Jiang Ming, I should have understood you better then."

"Lu Jiang, it's over. I'm fine now, really fine." When I told Lu Jiang about my fulfilling life now, of course I couldn't avoid mentioning A Yuan, more about Su Xin and her music.Of course, what happened in the past, whether it was taking too many sleeping pills, or moving out of the dormitory, being tired of part-time jobs.I won't tell her these things, otherwise she will definitely feel guilty for not coming to accompany me in my most difficult time.Lu Jiang said that she has not worked in a bar for a long time, and now she is studying with a young director when she is free. Apart from cultural studies, she is an assistant to the director and has a meager subsidy.

Ask about her frequently changing girlfriends.

Lu Jiang said that her heart is very empty, and she really likes everyone, but after being together, that empty feeling is still not satisfied.She said her feelings seemed to have dried up and she had been searching for the last straw and not giving up.But, in the end, that person was neither.

Emotional matters, I do not deny.

After talking with Lu Jiang for more than an hour, Zhi Suxin came back with food, so I had to say goodbye to her first.

Su Xin brought some of my favorite local delicacies and made fun of me while arranging the food.

"It's really rare to see you look so gentle. Usually when you talk to me, you're afraid that I'm deaf."

"Am I not gentle with you?"

"Not for a moment."

Su Xin pretended to be jealous.I told her that Lu Jiang and I were good friends in high school and had been in touch in college. Of course, Su Xin didn't know that I was gay, so there were many things that I didn't need to explain.

We live with her, we get along like best friends, she always takes good care of me, in order not to let my parents know about my renting a house, I go to Internet cafes for every video, and sometimes I have to talk to them at school.When going to Internet cafes, Suxin would always accompany me if she was worried. They thought Suxin was my college classmate, and when they talked to her sometimes, they thought she was a beautiful and reliable girl, and they liked her very much.Every time I know that I am with Su Xin, I feel very relieved.As everyone knows, I went to live with Suxin and spend most of the time together.

At first, she would go back to school when she was not singing in the bar, but later she was worried that I would be alone and scared, so she stayed with me all the time, except that she couldn’t come back for school, and we mostly lived together.

I didn't go home during my sophomore summer vacation.One day, I suddenly said to Su Xin, I will stay in Beijing after graduation. Staying in Beijing may still lead to such a difficult and tight life. Good Mandarin.Su Xin is from Hunan, and works in international trade at Beiyou. She thinks the same as me. The summer vacation is very long. She is going to practice in a company, and she will work part-time in a bar when she is free at night.And I found a small magazine again. I had experience during my freshman summer vacation, and the editor-in-chief thought that I was a person who could endure hardships and had some interest in literature. It was not too difficult to become an assistant to the editor of the college column.

Life is so ordinary, Su Xin and I live together, of course she is one year older than me, she always took care of me more, until the end of August 2011, when I was 8 years old.

At the end of August 2011, when I was 8 years old, it has been a year since Lu Yi'an and Lu Yi'an had no intersecting lives.I think of what Osamu Dazai said in Disqualification, "Now I can't talk about happiness or misfortune. Everything will pass. So far in the so-called "human world", the only thing I am willing to regard as the truth is There is only this sentence. Everything will pass.” Of course, my simple life, I can’t say luck or misfortune, but it is very peaceful, with few emotional ups and downs, and rarely think of Lu Yi’an.In the busy life of study and life, mentally and physically exhausted, I only have a short message with my family once in a few days, and I don't contact friends for ten months, and I don't care about love.

That is to say, under such circumstances, Su Xin confessed to me, which was completely beyond my expectation.She carefully prepared a birthday celebration for me and invited her friends, as well as A Yuan who lives in Beijing.

She made unseen cakes by herself, and barbecued on the roof of our house.At ten o'clock in the evening, after everyone had had some beers, she confessed to me.

Plain and simple, like she always does, holding my face and letting me look into her eyes.

"Jiang Ming, I like living with you, do you want to stay with me forever."

"Okay, living with you is very well taken care of." I smiled and said to her, which is the truth.

She looked at me seriously. "You know what I mean, I mean we're in a relationship".

Her friends booed in a circle, they didn't mean any harm to this matter, but I already pushed her away reflexively.

"I'm not gay, I'm sorry Su Xin, I don't like girls."

I saw Ah Yuan's astonished eyes disappear in an instant.

Surrounded by silence, it was very embarrassing, the tense face and frowning eyebrows made me uneasy.But she laughed and took my hand.

"It's okay, I just want to say that I like you, and I don't ask too much. But you won't mind it, move out."

I shook my head.

She explained to everyone that everything continued as if nothing had happened until the end of the show at twelve o'clock, when the crowd left.

I sent Ah Yuan to the door alone, and she stopped to look at me. I knew the doubts in her heart and told her that I didn't want to start a relationship easily, just like I did with Zheng Zhouyang before.

She asked me, do I still like Lu Yian?I didn't answer, it was the default.

After sending Ah Yuan home, she was still cleaning the roof, and there was nothing she could do to help. I am watching her from the sidelines.

"Jiang Ming, I know you still like Lu Yian, I just want to tell you that I like you."

Even she knows that I like Lu Yian, is it only Lu Yian who doesn't know, I thought I hid it well, but it turned out to be known to everyone.

"Did Ah Yuan tell you?" I thought she wouldn't know about it unless Ah Yuan told her.

"No, I went to your school to find friends when I was a sophomore. At that time, you were still in military training. When my friend and I passed by, you lay on the road with your head on your pillow, your eyes staring at the sky without blinking, and I just went from You walked by, the distance between your feet was only [-] centimeters, and you didn’t even look at me, but I remembered you with just one glance. The strange thing is that when I go to see friends later, I will meet you more or less. Maybe it’s Your school is too small, maybe it’s because of fate. I often see you playing with boys, and you never play well.”

"I'm asking how you know I like Lu Yi'an, not this." I interrupted her with my arms crossed.She continued to sweep, her hands so busy that she didn't even look up at me.

"Sometimes you are watching Lu Yian play, and your eyes follow her. There are so many handsome boys on the court, but you just look at her. You treat her differently. That kind of focused eyes , I have never seen you have sex with others. When I was in the bar, I found that you often peeked at Lu Yian, and when I saw it, I started to giggle. Secretly, I thought you probably liked her. "

I smiled and asked her, "So you had a plan for me from the beginning?"

she said yes.

"I'm very attentive from the beginning. Doesn't love start with interest? Plus, Jiang Ming, you are a good girl, the kind I like."

"Su Xin, shall we be friends?" Apart from that, the matter of feelings is too painful, and it still hurts, and I can't get involved again in a short time.

"Okay, anyway, you are in my palm now, it's the same as being a friend or a lover." She said with a smile, trying to use a cheerful and nonchalant tone, so that I would not be so embarrassed.I pushed the boat along the way, not thinking about whether she was a little sad in her heart, and breathed a sigh of relief, we all want to let this night pass.

After all, tomorrow, Su Xin and I will live together.The future is so long, there are many people and many things, we have to learn not to mind, even if it is pretending to live, but other than that, what else can you think of.

The author has something to say: This chapter is very long.

Su Xin is my favorite character.Referring to Yi Shu's "My Plain Heart", this character has some deep meaning.

So far today, this article is over in a few chapters.

Good weekend night.