every breath

The sunlight slanted into the floor of the ward, and the roses outside the window were in full bloom in the summer sun.Zhuang Yu pushed away from the ward and put the flowers he brought into the bottle.

Qin Xuanyang was half lying on the bed reading a book, and smiled when he saw him come in, and closed the book: "It's not Mother's Day, why buy carnations."

"I like it, you don't care about it." Zhuang Yu glared at him, inserted the flower carefully, then sat on the side of the bed, glanced at the book in his hand, "What book are you reading again? Shi Tiesheng?"

He shook the book, and there were four simple words printed on the light green cover: "Broken Pen in Sickness".

Zhuang Yu snatched the book unhappily: "Don't read this kind of book."

Then he took out a bunch of books from his bag and threw them on the bed: "Come on, read this."

Qin Xuanyang took a book casually, opened it, and looked at it. It was full of pictures and introductions of scenic spots and scenic spots all over the world. Just looking at the pictures can arouse the impulse to travel.

Zhuang Yu patted a bed full of travel and scenery books, and said to him: "You pick the one you like, and we will go together when it is ready."

"There are so many, when will I choose?"

"Then pick slowly, and don't rush."

He closed the European travel guide, looked at the swaying roses outside the window, and said suddenly: "Speaking of travel, I really want to go back to Yongchuan."

"Yongchuan?"

Qin Xuanyang smiled and rubbed his hair: "It's my hometown. I lived there for a long time when I was a child. I moved to this city with my mother when I was in junior high school."

Zhuang Yu also remembered that Qin Xuanyang seemed to have heard about that place before: "You seem to have said that it is a place like a paradise, isolated from the world, right?"

"Well." Speaking of Yongchuan, he showed nostalgia, "When I was young, I was enjoying the cool air in the yard, and the neighbor's grandmother would tell us children a lot of legends in the town. She always said that after death, the soul will return to the last place in life. A place of nostalgia. I think if I die, I should return to Yongchuan."

The topic jumped to this point, Zhuang Yu seemed silent.

"There is a mountain in the town called Yezhishan. It is said that the souls who return to Yongchuan will become a sapling of Yezhishan and start the cycle of life and death again."

Zhuang Yu frowned, and tapped his head lightly: "Stop talking."

Realizing that Zhuang Yu didn't like this topic very much, Qin Xuanyang touched his face and said softly, "It doesn't matter, people are always going to die, sooner or later."

Zhuang Yu held his hand and said in a low voice, "I know, I just don't like to imagine that scene."

"Don't be sad." Qin Xuanyang pulled him closer, hugged him with weak hands, and said softly: "Then let me tell you about my childhood, do you want to listen?"

Zhuang Yu nodded in his arms.

"When I was in elementary school, I was very envious of my classmates who were able to take physical education classes. The elementary school I attended had a set of uneven bars equipment. The boys all liked to hang themselves on the horizontal bars to see who hung on it for the longest time... "

At the beginning of August, the night was extremely hot, and the cicadas outside the window were singing louder than usual.Qin Xuanyang's spirit has obviously improved in those few days, and his physical fatigue has also eased.Sensing that he was getting better, Zhuang Yu also seemed in a good mood.

Xu Ying came to see him during the day, and the two of them played a game of chess together.After nightfall, when only he and Zhuang Yu were left in the ward, Qin Xuanyang acted coquettishly: "Can't you stay with me tonight?"

"Tonight?" When he was in poor health, Zhuang Yu would indeed stay overnight to take care of him.But in recent days, his condition is much better than expected, so Zhuang Yu went back to the hotel to sleep, "Why?"

"I want to talk to you." Qin Xuanyang deliberately lay down on the side and patted the half-empty bed.

"I haven't talked enough during the day." Although he said so, Zhuang Yu still obediently got in.

Turn off the lights, the ward is dark, only the moonlight at night shines in coldly.He embraced Zhuang Yu from behind, kissed the back of his neck softly: "Sleeping?"

"I'm not a pig, how could I fall asleep so fast."

"Then talk to me."

"say what?"

"Anything is fine."

Zhuang Yu moved his body, as if thinking for a while: "Then can I ask you a question?"

"of course."

"You must answer honestly."

"it is good."

Zhuang Yu turned around, and met him face to face in the darkness: "There's something that I've been thinking about lately that's getting more and more wrong. Since when did you start liking me?"

Qin Xuanyang smiled awkwardly: "How should I answer this?"

"The more I think about it, the more I feel that you planned it on the beach last year. No matter how boring you are, you can't just find someone to fall in love with. Tell me, did you have a crush on me long ago?"

"Oh, you finally found out." Qin Xuanyang pressed a kiss on his forehead with a wry smile.

"But we haven't met before." Zhuang Yu didn't have the slightest impression.

He sighed: "You just forgot. Do you remember when you were a freshman, you played truth or dare with the seniors in the school band, and you were forced to confess to a boy in public?"

Under the moonlight, Qin Xuanyang pointed to himself: "That is me."

Zhuang Yu's eyes widened in shock: "What?"

"You really forgot." He sighed, "I am the only one who remembers that joke so firmly."

"I didn't see who the other party was at all at night, and I drank some wine at that time..."

Qin Xuanyang went to rub his hair again: "Do you do this every time? After drinking, you will be someone else's boyfriend."

He lowered his head in embarrassment: "Only those two times, and you bumped into me both times..."

"Then I'm really lucky." Qin Xuanyang squeezed his face, then took his hand, "Last year, I didn't plan to participate in that seaside fellowship, but when I heard you were in that class, I went gone."

"You really planned it."

"I just wanted to take another look at how the person who confessed to me is now." His voice slowly became lonely, "I didn't plan to do anything, and I didn't want to disturb you in the past. I know Due to my physical condition, falling in love is a luxury for me, and it is too selfish. But later, I couldn't help it for a while, and it became like this."

He caressed Zhuang Yu's cheek: "I have a kind of luck and selfishness, thinking that as long as you pretend all this is a game, you won't take it seriously. As long as I end it in time, no one will be hurt. But the game that was originally intended to last only half a month has slowly turned into one month, two months, and three months. It is getting harder and harder for me to break up with you."

"You didn't say it in the end."

"But it's too late, I've already dragged you into the mud." He kissed the corner of Zhuang Yu's eyes, "I'm sorry."

"There's nothing I'm sorry about. It's my own business to like you, and you don't have to say sorry."

They lay facing each other, embracing each other in this hot summer night, the sound of cicadas sounded like waves outside the window, and the moonlight was bright and white.Such a scene reminded Zhuang Yu of the summer night last year.

"You said, cicadas have waited so many years to break out of the ground, what are they thinking when they sing?"

"Hmm. Let me think about it." Qin Xuanyang pretended to be thinking, and deliberately squeezed his voice, "Probably 'the sap is so delicious'''Ah, the moonlight is so beautiful tonight''"If it is sunny tomorrow, then Okay' or something."

"What about you? What do you think about when you are sick?"

"Me? I was thinking 'Could it be today, and if it is, I'm going to have fried chicken for lunch' or something."

Zhuang Yu looked at him in the dark, his voice trembling: "Are you afraid?"

"I have been afraid for more than [-] years, but I am no longer afraid. I am fully prepared every day to face death." He hugged Zhuang Yu tightly, "What I am most afraid of is after I die, the people I care about It’s not a good life. So don’t be too sad, when I’m gone, quickly forget about me and live a good life again. Occasionally, if you think of me, if you want to see me, go to Yongchuan.”

"Are you going back?"

"Well. I'll go back."

Unaware that he was talking about Arabian Nights, Zhuang Yu looked into his eyes seriously: "If I really went to Yongchuan, how would I know if you were there?"

"I'll blow a gust of wind, just like this." Qin Xuanyang clung to his ear, gently blowing a gust of warm wind, "You'll know when the time comes, it's me."

"That's fine then."

"Well, it's settled." Qin Xuanyang whispered in his ear, "So don't be sad, no matter what happens, I will be there."

Talking some words from the Arabian Nights, the night gradually deepened.They also slowly closed their eyes and hugged each other and fell asleep.

Zhuang Yu slept soundly and didn't have any dreams the whole night.When it was about to dawn in the early morning, someone seemed to wake him up. He opened his eyes in a daze, and saw Qin Xuanyang standing beside the bed with his clothes on. On the body white shirt.

"Where are you going?" he asked confusedly.

Qin Xuanyang leaned over and kissed him, and gently stroked his head: "Don't worry, have a good sleep."

"Well, come back quickly." He hugged the quilt and said, his eyelids drooped heavily.

In a trance, Qin Xuanyang seemed to answer "Yes" very gently.

And he fell asleep in this promise.

The sun shone through the east-facing window, and Zhuang Yu really woke up from his deep sleep. Before he opened his eyes, he realized the coldness of the body in his arms.

His hands trembled violently, but he still refused to let go of the person in his arms.As if letting go, the last warmth will dissipate in the air.

The cicadas outside the window began to cry again. He was extremely awake, but he still refused to open his eyes.It seems that once it is opened, it is no longer possible to convince myself with a dream.

Uncontrollable tears flowed from his tightly closed eyes. He tried his best to suppress the crying and hugged Qin Xuanyang's body even tighter.

In the gradually cooling body, the heart stopped beating.

On the day of the funeral, it rained in the usually hot sky.

The rain wasn't heavy, but it was enough to wash away the dust and ash that had accumulated in the city.

Zhuang Yu didn't go to the funeral, he lay on the hotel bed and slept for a long time, from day to night.He woke up a few times in the middle, staring blankly at the non-stop rain outside the window, and then closed his eyes again, trying to see that person in his dream that could no longer appear in his life.

Back at his home in City A, he also slept day and night.This state lasted for several weeks, until one evening he woke up suddenly and saw the sunset covered the entire sky, and the warm summer wind blew past his ears, lifting the ends of his hair.Looking at the gorgeous sunset, without the familiar cicadas singing in his ears, he looked at the calendar and suddenly realized that summer is over.

The next day, he started to go to work.

Colleagues in the company felt that although this new young man was not very talkative and not particularly lively, he was quick-witted, hard-working and conscientious, and even willing to work overtime for free on weekends. They had a good impression of him.

He also often participates in small gatherings among colleagues, and he is not particularly maverick, reclusive, and he is also very good-looking. The girls in the company pay special attention to his every move.But it was never heard that he accepted anyone's kindness, nor did he ever hear that he had a girlfriend.

Until the summer of the next year came, he woke up early in the morning and heard the first cicadas chirping outside the window.

The past flooded him like a flood.

All his memories of Xia Tian are related to a person named Qin Xuanyang.

Missing him suddenly became unstoppable like a tide, and as the cicadas sang more loudly, my heart became more irritable.

In July, at his unreasonable insistence, the company granted him a vacation.After returning home, he packed his luggage and went to Yongchuan alone without saying hello to anyone.

He missed that man so much, every expression, every movement, every breath he took.

Miss to heartache.

Tired, trying to stay awake as usual

I miss you as usual

I'm afraid I'll fall asleep

Heartbeat stops in a dream if you don't obey

Hear the breath beat like a wave

The more beautiful the more disturbing I am

what else can i cherish

If I can't even take my own pulse

If I become a memory and withdraw from this life

leave you crying in astonishment

My cold body can't hug you

Thinking of me let my beloved you travel alone in the sea of ​​people

I would hate myself for being so cruel

If I become a memory, I'm not so lucky

no chance of gray hair

Staggering and holding you to watch the sunset

It's been a long time and one day you'll heal from your heartbreak

If someone can let him accompany you, I don't blame you

when will happiness end

which moment is the last moment

want to hold you tight

I know you are the most reluctant in my life

If I become a memory and withdraw from this life

leave you crying in astonishment

My cold body can't hug you

Thinking of me let my beloved you travel alone in the sea of ​​people

I would hate myself for being so cruel

If I become a memory, I'm not so lucky

no chance of gray hair

Staggering and holding you to watch the sunset

It's been a long time and one day you'll heal from your heartbreak

if someone can let him accompany you

If I become a memory, I am most afraid that I will not live up to expectations

Stubbornly relying on the air to occupy every inch of your heart

You, who still love me, bear the pain of losing

it's not fair please do your best

forget me

The author has something to say:

The lyrics quoted at the end of this chapter are TANK "If I Become a Memory"