Before and After Divorce

Ji Zhan still couldn't figure it out that night, and went back to sleep on his bed a little depressed.

When he got up the next morning, he hugged Xia Tingwan before leaving, and whispered in Xia Tingwan's ear: "I've been thinking about it all night, and I still respect your idea. Are we still friends? Next month I will There is a concert, and you must come when the time comes."

Xia Tingwan nodded vigorously.

Ji Zhan smiled, said nothing more, picked up the guitar, turned around and left with his assistant.

He is still that Ji Zhan who is like a gust of wind.

Looking at Ji Zhan's tall and straight back, Xia Tingwan suddenly felt a little grateful in his heart.

It is really a wonderful thing to meet such a free and easy big boy like Ji Zhan in life.

Xing Le and Gu Qian have other work arrangements, so they don't fly to H city.So on the return trip, it happened that Li Kaiwen and Xia Tingwan were sitting together again.

After chatting for a few words, Li Kaiwen's expression suddenly became a little subtle. He leaned over and said in a low voice, "Did Xing Le mention anything to you?"

"Ah?" Li Kaiwen's words were endless, and Xia Tingwan could only turn his head to look at him without knowing.

"Didn't I live with him? I feel that he is not in a good condition. He tosses and turns and can't sleep at night. Once the filming is over, we hardly talk much, and..." Li Kaiwen scratched his head and hesitated: " Once, I accidentally saw a lot of injuries on his body. It's still the marks left by those injuries, you know?"

Xia Tingwan was still a little sleepy at first, but when he heard Li Kaiwen say these words, he woke up immediately. Of course he knew that what Li Kaiwen was talking about was "that kind of injury". A quick glance at the T-shirt, and the first reaction is the same.

The welt-like wounds felt like they were left over from sexual abuse.

Li Kaiwen and Xia Tingwan looked at each other, Li Kaiwen coughed first, and said in a low voice: "In fact, many people in the circle know privately that Boss Ye of Shaoguang Entertainment likes to play SM, but he doesn't force people, just ...The attack is very ruthless, so it seems that he has changed a lot of bed partners. Xing Le entered Shaoguang, and the injury on his body is probably related to this."

The relationship between Li Kaiwen and Xia Tingwan was indeed good before, and it was such private and semi-public news, so it is not particularly taboo to talk about it.

Xia Tingwan felt uncomfortable when he heard it. Although Li Kaiwen's words confirmed his vague guess before, he didn't tell Li Kaiwen what he saw.He didn't know SM very well, but he felt that the welts and wounds that he could see through his clothes after several days could no longer be explained by some sexual fetish, it could only be described as cruel sexual abuse.

Xia Tingwan thought of Ye Bingwen's sullen look when he locked him in the car, said he was going to kneel down and beg for mercy, and beat him ruthlessly, and then thought of Xing Le's situation, he couldn't help but feel a burst of pain from the bottom of his heart. fear.

Ye Bingwen is a pervert at all, and he is more and more sure of this now.

After getting off the plane, Xia Tingwan hesitated on the road, and finally couldn't help but send Xing Le a tactful WeChat message: "Lele, how are you lately?"

After putting down the phone, I also felt conflicted.

It would be great if life wasn't so complicated, he couldn't help thinking this way, the day before he had planned to become strangers, but when he heard such news, his heart was still very painful.

Xing Le has changed, but Xia Tingwan can hardly imagine what Xing Le has experienced in these years that made him prefer to endure this kind of sexual abuse and continue to work hard in Shaoguang.

Xing Le never replied.

……

Before going to Xiangshan, Xia Tingwan dressed up meticulously.

He actually wanted to see Su Yan very much before, but he hadn't passed that test in his heart, and there was always a psychological line of defense that he couldn't admit and couldn't be too ambitious.

But this time is different.

Xia Tingwan blew his hair neatly, pulled his bangs to the side, and trimmed his eyebrows neatly and beautifully.He sprayed on some Hermes earth perfume and changed into an asymmetrical Versace silk shirt.

Finally, after looking in the mirror for a while, I didn't do much concealer to the scar in the end.

Maybe it's because after looking at this scar every day for a long time, he gradually got used to it. After all, it was an inherent part of his life situation.

Facing Su Yan without being on camera, although he wanted to be as beautiful as possible, he didn't want to lose too much truth.

When Zhao Nanshu drove to pick him up downstairs, he was taken aback at first glance, but then he couldn't help laughing, and said, "I'm very energetic today, boss."

Xia Tingwan has always been a man who loves beauty.

He likes colorful and well-designed clothes. He used to have a whole cabinet of floral shirts in Xiangshan's cloakroom, and he especially liked to wear them out at night.

His eyes are dazzlingly beautiful, but it just so happens that the bridge of his nose is not high and sharp, which is neutralized, but he can manage a lot of flamboyant and bright clothes.

Su Yan teased him because of this, saying that he has the temperament of a peacock, wishing to grow on his body the most brilliant colors in nature.

He always thought it was a compliment.

When we arrived at Xiangshan, it was night, and it was Wen Zichen who came to open the door.

Wen Zichen seemed to have just come back from a run. He was wearing sportswear, with a few drops of sweat on his forehead and neck. When he saw Xia Tingwan, he looked him up and down very keenly. Perhaps it was because of his clothes and grooming that he felt To a touch of the unusual.

But he didn't say much, but quickly showed a familiar gentle smile: "Mr. Xia is here, I just came back from exercising with Brother Yan."

As he spoke, he asked Xia Tingwan to come in. Su Yan happened to be drinking water in the front hall, also wearing a black sportswear.

Xia Tingwan suddenly felt uncomfortable again. Su Yan and Wen Zichen's clothes were very homely, but in comparison, he felt that his expensive shirt was sticky on his body.

Sometimes, compared to his heart-piercing pain when he occasionally thought of the relationship between Su Yan and Wen Zichen, the feeling that Wen Zichen was gradually penetrating into Su Yan's life made him feel like a stick in his throat.

"Are you back?" Su Yan walked over.

Xia Tingwan nodded: "I can't go to Phuket to shoot, so I went back early."

"Mr. Xia, come here so late." Wen Zichen poured a cup of tea and handed it over: "Ning Ning went to bed early today, why don't you wake him up?"

Xia Tingwan took the cup over, and it took a while before he responded: "Well, don't call him. I want to talk to Su Yan for a while."

Su Yan turned his head and glanced at Wen Zichen, while Wen Zichen lowered his head meekly, and said softly, "Brother Yan, then I'll go back to the room first."

"I want to sit outside."

Xia Tingwan turned his head and said angrily that even if Wen Zichen was not in the front hall, he suddenly didn't want to continue talking with Su Yan here.

"it is good."

Su Yan didn't ask much, and walked outside the house with him, and sat side by side on the chair beside the flower garden.

The scent of roses wafted around them.

"I, I brought you something small."

It was Xia Tingwan who spoke softly first.

He turned to look at Su Yan, feeling a little nervous all of a sudden. He took out a candy wrapped in Thai from his trousers pocket, carefully peeled off the wrapper, picked it up and handed it to Su Yan.

"Durian candy from Thailand." Xia Tingwan looked at Su Yan and said, "I have tasted several kinds since I went there, and this one is the sweetest, and it is super. I brought you a small box, but I am in a hurry today. It’s too messy and hasn’t been tidied up, so I grabbed a loose one and you can try it.”

Su Yan was taken aback.

Xia Tingwan held the sugar in a slightly awkward position, and it was a bit high when he held it with his hands, he hesitated for a while, and finally lowered his head and directly sucked it in with his mouth.

"Sweet?"

Xia Tingwan opened his eyes expectantly.

"Hmm. Sweet."

Su Yan held the sugar in his mouth, and said vaguely, "Thank you."

As he spoke, he took the brightly colored candy wrappers from Xia Tingwan's hand very smoothly, lowered his head and folded them neatly into small strips, then silently squeezed them into his palms.

Xia Tingwan only heard Su Yan say these two words, and his ears suddenly felt a little hot. For some reason, when Su Yan said "sweet", he felt like he had tasted the taste of candy. sweet.

He has no experience, and he doesn't know if he is secretly pursuing Su Yan. When he was in Chiang Mai, he took time out to go shopping for half a day after the shooting, and finally chose several kinds of durian candies, coconut candies, and mangoes. For what, I packed several small bags for Su Yan in a very delicate gift box.

It was only then that he realized that after five years of marriage, he hadn't bought any presents for Su Yan except for his birthday.He always felt that Su Yan had everything in his life, and there was nothing rare, but now that he thought about it, he really felt that it was a pity.

If he wanted to, he would have made Su Yan very happy.

"Is Thailand fun?"

"It's fun." Xia Tingwan nodded quickly, and when he mentioned Thailand, he lowered his head and took out his phone, and said excitedly, "I'll show you the photos."

He excitedly flipped through the photos taken by Su Yan in the album, many of which were taken by Zhao Nanshu and Ji Zhan, some of which he was bathing an elephant, some of the brightly colored songthaew cars in Thailand, and some of which were taken by him. Drink coconut water.

"Look, the sunset in Chiang Mai is pink, so beautiful, it's different from other places."

He pointed to the photo for Su Yan, and Su Yan leaned slightly closer, and whispered a low "hmm" in his ear.

The next photo is of him riding a motorcycle with one foot on the ground, looking cool.

"Can you ride a motorcycle?" Su Yan asked.

"No." Xia Tingwan smiled a little embarrassedly, and then there was a naughty look in his eyes: "Pose for a photo."

"I think so." Su Yan also smiled slightly. When he laughed, the familiar beauty groove on his chin deepened.

Xia Tingwan looked up at him, thinking in her heart that she really wanted to kiss him.

Su Yan lowered his head, and this time he swiped down a photo with his hand, but it was Zhao Nanshu who took it.

Ji Zhan was riding a motorcycle. He sat behind Ji Zhan, supported Ji Zhan's waist with his hands, and made a V sign to the camera with a smile.

Su Yan's movements paused, he looked at the photos for a while, but he didn't ask any more questions, but calmly flipped through another one.

The next one is a photo of Xia Tingwan holding a newborn tiger cub in the Tiger Garden. The cub is staring fiercely at the camera, with a fat paw resting on Xia Tingwan's arm.

At this moment, a WeChat message popped up from the prompt on the top of the phone, indicating that it was from Ji Zhanfa.

"Ting Wan, I'm in City S, I'm having hot pot tonight, I'll show you the [picture]"

Su Yan glanced at the phone screen, he leaned back a little, apparently to give Xia Tingwan some space to reply to the message.

"I'll be back later." Xia Tingwan opened the picture, and it turned out to be a very lively table of hot pot. He took a look and closed the WeChat window first.

"Ji Zhan," Su Yan repeated the name, and whispered, "It's the one who was riding a motorcycle with you in the photo just now, right?"

He looked at Xia Tingwan's long and narrow eyes with a faint expression. In the night, the light gray pupils looked a little alienated, like a reserved old cat, and there was no superfluous emotion.

"Well, Ji Zhan is my new friend this time."

"You said just now that you want to tell me something?" Su Yan changed the subject abruptly, as if he didn't want to ask any more about Ji Zhan.

"Yes." Although Xia Tingwan felt sudden, he still nodded. This was the real purpose of his visit this time. He had to say something to Su Yan.

"I……"

He took a deep breath, and finally said slowly: "In the past few days in Thailand, I feel that I have lived a very unforgettable life. Actually, it is difficult to sum it up in a few words, but I still want to try to tell you... …When I was filming a reality show, it was very stressful at first. Then after I called you that day, I felt a lot better. You are right, I am not suitable for reality TV. What I have always loved is knowing a person character, breathing that character, and finally performing a kind of 'reality', but reality shows are just the opposite, I seem to be in a 'real environment', but I have to show something that is not mine , I don't like being in contact with the camera in that way. After "On the Road", I don't think I will take on reality shows anymore. I, I really didn't think much about my career before, but in the future... I will If I work hard, I will find a suitable movie to pick up, even... even if the salary is not much, or I encounter many difficulties, but I think, as long as I have a direction, I can still face it slowly."

"Except for work, after I left you, I realized that life is really crappy. Because I wanted to make money, I accepted a reality show. After filming, I felt that it was not suitable, but I could only grit my teeth. After filming, it’s really lame. But it seems that I’m not the only lame one. Xing Le... Xing Le also has many stories. Sometimes I think he shouldn’t be so cruel to me, but sometimes I feel that when I don’t know In fact, I don't know what he went through, maybe he is really sad too. Su Yan, life—is it really not easy?"

"Yes."

After Su Yan answered, he fell into a long silence.

He lowered his head, looked at the swaying rose branches on the ground, and said in a hoarse voice: "I feel difficult all the time. Sometimes, it seems that I have to grind my teeth to persevere."

Xia Tingwan looked at Su Yan, his heart suddenly trembled.

He had never heard Su Yan say something so depressing that he was almost desperate. The former Su Yan was omnipotent and indestructible in front of him.

But his intuition told him that this was almost the first time that Su Yan had revealed the absolute truth to him.

"I was never allowed to do what I wanted to do."

Su Yan took a breath slowly, slowly, as if there was a sharp blade hidden in this empty air, and every time he swallowed a little bit, it would cut his lung cavity, and his ending sound followed. Trembling in pain for a moment: "I want my mother to stay with me, I want to go to school in China, and I want to study in the Department of Literature, but there is nothing that can follow my wishes."

-

"I was never allowed to do what I wanted to do."

Su Yan took a breath slowly, slowly, as if there was a sharp blade hidden in this empty air, and every time he swallowed a little bit, it would cut his lung cavity, and his ending sound followed. Trembling in pain for a moment: "I want my mother to stay with me, I want to go to school in China, and I want to study in the Department of Literature, but there is nothing that can follow my wishes."

"When I was 11 years old, my mother was hospitalized with severe depression because of my father's multiple derailments. Soon I was sent to study in the UK. Three years later, my mother died in the hospital. My father didn't inform me at the time, maybe he thought No need. Later, when I came back to City H during the holidays, the only thing I could do was to visit the grave—even crying bitterly seemed outdated."

"When I first went to the UK, my English was very poor. I had no friends, and I couldn't understand what the teacher said in class. I was surrounded by white-skinned British people. Their world and mine were separated by a glass cover. In the first few months, when I went to the restaurant alone, I only ordered egg sandwiches, because that was the only word I couldn’t say out loud... I felt like throwing up, but now I mention the word egg sandwich, and I still feel like throwing up. For Let me get used to it, my father forbade me to touch Chinese, and the Chinese housekeeper I hired almost only spoke English. I hid a set of "Swordsman" in my room at that time, and I secretly flipped through a few pages at night. Rotten."

"This is my teenage years. I was always lonely. I was so lonely that I wrote letters to myself and talked to myself. In my world, I was the only one."

Xia Tingwan looked at Su Yan's side face, couldn't help but reached out tremblingly, and held Su Yan's hand.

Su Yan's temperature also seemed lonely, bitingly cold.

"After two years in England, there was a literature class when the teacher was reading Byron's poem, you know, everyone can recite the line 'If I will see you, it will be years. How will I Greeting you, with tears, with silence', I discovered for the first time that it was so beautiful to recite in English. I fell in love with that rhythm—with tears, with silence, and couldn’t help but repeat these two words in my heart After that, I began to try to adapt, I frequently ran to the library, read Byron, Shelley, Tagore, I finally cheered up, I thought I found the direction, but..."

"But I was wrong. That year, my brother committed suicide, but my father didn't grieve for a long time. He flew to the UK and watched me fill out my volunteers before leaving. I didn't study literature in the end, but went to business. College. I am the son of the Su family, and I can't do what I want. Ting Wan, yes, I think life is really difficult. It may not be difficult to live, but it is difficult to live and make yourself feel worthwhile. Because... in this life, I have rarely been truly happy."

When Su Yan said this, he raised his head and looked at Xia Tingwan, his eyes were filled with misty sadness.

Xia Tingwan was speechless, and the bitter taste spread all the way to his stomach.

The glamorous and powerful Su Yan, with a fluent English accent and personable Su Yan, when such Su Yan walked towards him, he took it for granted.

Before he and Su Yan, there was more than 11 years of age difference.

He had enjoyed Su Yan's most perfect side for five years. He showed Su Yan his wounds without any scruple. Later, he even felt a little proud, like a reason why Su Yan had to dote on him.

But this man had never told him about all the ups and downs and hardships he had experienced on the way before he came.

He wants to blame him.

But how could he bear it.

In the marriage of two people, one person just rolls around and cheats and refuses to grow up, and the other can do nothing but keep silent.

It was because he didn't give this tired man a reason to keep going.

"My mother told me that when I was a toddler for the first time at the age of one, she secretly made a wish in her heart, hoping that the world would treat me well. I think if she is now, she must be a little disappointed."

Su Yan shook his head: "When I married you, my family didn't agree, but I insisted on it that time. At that time, I also had the same wish as my mother. But I don't want to be so passive. If the world refuses to treat you kindly, I will But I have to be desperate. So, I always think, if you want to make a movie, do it. If you don’t want to work, I will rest with you. I have a lot of money, so I don’t want you to worry about unnecessary things. I just I hope you are happy, I hope you can do what you really want to do, I hope your life can be truly satisfied and peaceful. But..."

When Su Yan said this, he let go of his hand in pain. He was silent for a while, and then whispered: "But I failed."

"I failed completely." Su Yan repeated, he was a little lost, as if he was asking Xia Tingwan, or muttering to himself: "Did I do many things wrong? Married to me for five years , but you are getting more and more depressed. In the last year, it seems that no matter how hard I try, you will not be as happy as when we first fell in love. Sometimes I think, is it because I am rarely happy myself, so I can’t do it Make you truly happy too?"

"No, Su Yan, I..." Xia Tingwan suddenly raised his head, he shook his head vigorously, the expression in his eyes was almost terrified.

No, Su Yan, please don't think so.

"So now it's good." Su Yan smiled wryly: "When you grow up, you can figure out what you want, you can see the complexity of life, and you can live a good life without my protection. In fact, that day, you came to me and said that you would take the responsibility of raising Ning Ning. I felt that you have grown up, really. You are still so young, and you will meet many excellent people in the future. Ji Zhan and Ji Zhan may be good too. , Me and you, our sad things...will pass. Then—let’s make a few more movies, I’ve always been your fan, okay?”

Every word Su Yan said was a farewell, he could hear it.

He used to think that it would hurt Su Yan to tell him that he didn't love him with a cold face, but now he would rather Su Yan scold him for being self-willed and ignorant than what he is like now, don't be like what he is now.

Xia Tingwan finally couldn't bear it anymore, tears flowed down in embarrassment, he hugged Su Yan, and said in a hissed voice: "Don't—Su Yan, I still love you, please— -I need you."

He originally thought of a lot of calm words to describe his feelings, but at this moment he forgot all of them.

He was like a little beast, almost desperate to squeeze his head into Su Yan's chest, he was completely out of control, but there was nothing he could do.

He just understood, he just understood the pain of the man in his arms.

He said he was lonely, and his heart trembled, and when he said he was unhappy, he also trembled with distress.

For the first time, he really felt what love really looks like - his joys and sorrows are connected with Su Yan.He wanted to love Su Yan, this time he understood.

How could Su Yan decide to push him away at this moment when he realized it.

"don't want……"

He helplessly repeated the word over and over again, almost rubbing Su Yan's clothes to pieces.

Su Yan's body was a little stiff at first, but slowly, his hand lightly covered Xia Tingwan's back, rubbing it over and over again: "Be obedient, be obedient, huh?"

Xia Tingwan was trembling with anxiety, he felt that there were infinite words in his chest, but he didn't know how to say them, he almost exploded.

His face and eyes turned red in embarrassment, and he almost raised his head and asked desperately: "Su Yan, do you still love me?"

Su Yan looked at him with light gray eyes. After a long time, he didn't answer, but whispered, "You should go back."

Xia Tingwan tightly grabbed Su Yan's neckline and refused to get off Su Yan. He shook his head desperately and said in a hoarse voice, "Su Yan, do you dare to answer me? Do you dare to look into my eyes and don't lie? Me, tell me directly? You tell me - you don't love me anymore, you like Wen Zichen, do you dare to say these words?"

Su Yan was still silent, he looked at Xia Tingwan, his thin lips gradually pursed.

It was a serious and somewhat defensive expression.

He didn't speak, but suddenly picked up Xia Tingwan and strode towards where Zhao Nanshu parked his car.

Xia Tingwan struggled hard all the way, but Su Yan was taller than him, holding him tightly, he couldn't get off at all.

Su Yan pulled open Zhao Nanshu's car door and bent down, as if he was holding a soft puppy in his arms. He gently put Xia Tingwan on the back seat of the car, so shocked that Zhao Nanshu couldn't help it He turned around, but dared not speak.

Xia Tingwan knew that his face was full of tears now, and his disheveled clothes were really embarrassing, but he couldn't take care of it anymore, he didn't let go of Su Yan's neckline until now, forcing Su Yan to bend over waist close to him.

"Su Yan, you don't dare to say it at all, do you?" He stared into Su Yan's eyes, sucked his nose suddenly, pressed Su Yan's neck down, and kissed Su Yan's lips hard .

It was almost a bloody kiss, Su Yan's lips were bitten by him, and he sucked hard, Su Yan grunted in pain, and wanted to leave, but was bitten deeper by him.

He no longer knew whether he was hating or loving at this time.

"I won't give up." Xia Tingwan gritted his teeth next to Su Yan's ear and said, "Su Yan, I haven't given up on my love with you. I don't care if you say yes or not, and I won't listen to your answer. , you are a coward, a coward, fuck it now. But if you still love me in your heart, if you still care about my dignity and my feelings - I will not allow you to sleep with Wen Zichen again, and you will not be allowed to have emotional ties with others .Did you hear that?"