Before and After Divorce

Until Zhao Nanshu started the car, Xia Tingwan couldn't help but punched the back of the seat.

He really has too many emotions in his heart, depression, pain, anger, and more, it is a sense of catharsis to finally express his heart.

Zhao Nanshu drove the car tremblingly for a while, and finally asked in a low voice: "Boss...Just now, Xu Zhe called me and said he called you but you didn't answer. He asked me if you are free tonight. I've already returned to City H, and I have something about a play, I want to talk to you about it? Shall we change it to tomorrow?"

Xia Tingwan took a deep breath, looked down at the phone, and found that it was turned off at some point.

"No change, just go now."

"Boss...are you all right?"

The flushed expression on Xia Tingwan's face was gradually fading away.

He turned on his phone again, straightened the messy neckline of his shirt carefully in front of the front camera, and said: "It's okay, the teacher asked me to talk about the show, of course, the sooner the better. And... I also have a lot to say Tell the teacher."

Xia Tingwan looked at the rapidly receding scenery outside the car window. At night, it began to rain in City H, dripping dripping like a worry, and his expression was strangely calm.

Xu Zhe and Lu Xiangnan's two-story building in H City is located in a high-end community that is quiet amidst the hustle and bustle. Although it is not a residence for the rich, many of the neighbors around are college professors, lawyers and other social backbones.

Zhao Nanshu didn't have dinner, so Xia Tingwan asked him to go for a walk nearby to eat something, so he didn't have to follow.

Xia Tingwan saved fingerprints when he fed Lu Xiangnan the cat for a few days before, so he entered the house directly.

There is a long corridor on the first floor, with oil paintings of Lu Xiangnan hanging one after another on the left and right walls, and a tortoiseshell Maine Coon cat squatting gracefully by the corridor.

Xia Tingwan walked over and bent down to pick up the Maine Coon cat, "Lan Lan, you're heavy again."

He stroked the cat's back and took a breath with difficulty.

Known as the lion among cats, the Maine Coon cat is the largest in size, with fluffy hair and looks a bit majestic like a big cat.

But the orchid raised by Lu Xiangnan has a docile temper. She meowed sweetly in Xia Tingwan's arms and rubbed her head against Xia Tingwan's cheek.

Xia Tingwan carried Lan Lan up to the second floor, and the attic was a very warm and relaxing scene.

Xu Zhe was lazily lying on the sofa reading a book, while Lu Xiangnan was wearing a loose T-shirt, sitting barefoot by the window facing the easel, painting stroke by stroke with concentration.

"Here we come." Seeing Xia Tingwan coming in late, Xu Zhe put the book aside and sat up.

Lu Xiangnan also raised his head and smiled slightly.

Lu Xiangnan's hair was a little longer, and he had a short braid behind his head.

His appearance is actually somewhat similar to Xia Tingwan's, with a small face, clean facial structure, and beautiful protruding eyes, which more or less reflects Xu Zhe's consistent aesthetic standards when he chooses a male lead.

Since Lu Xiangnan and Xia Tingwan are both leading actors in Xu Zhe's movies, and neither of them are actors with professional background, they are often compared together.

There is an interesting point of view in an article, saying that Lu Xiang Nanmei is on the front, while Xia Tingwan is beautiful on the side.

Xu Zhe likes to take close-up photos of Lu Xiangnan. Lu Xiangnan has slender and sharp eyebrows, and a narrow and high nose bridge. There is a contradictory aesthetic feeling of femininity and aggressiveness in frontal shots.There was always a sense of urgency in his expression, like a stretched bowstring.

But Xu Zhe prefers to shoot Xia Tingwan from the side. Xia Tingwan’s roots are not so high, but the tip of his nose is upturned and his lips are full. From the side, his facial lines are undulating like mountains, which can hide more thoughts and appear more fragile and blurred. .

Every time Xia Tingwan saw Lu Xiangnan, he would feel a little subtle.

Xu Zhe was elegant and gentle, but Lu Xiangnan was fierce and fierce.

Lu Xiangnan fell in love with Xu Zhe so much that moths flew into the flames. After six years of being obsessed with Xu Zhe in private, Xu Zhe was finally willing to officially announce their relationship to the public.Also in the same year, Lu Xiangnan simply and neatly announced his retirement. After his "retirement", the sharpness and tension that year were almost rarely seen on his face again.

Lu Xiangnan was somewhat of a feline person, he had to get what he wanted, and only when he got it did he really relax.

Xia Tingwan sometimes feels that the director's camera sometimes really seems to be able to glimpse a trace of the trajectory of life.

And outside the camera, love and hate, every journey of life is like a train moving forward leisurely.

Reflecting each other, there is really an indescribable feeling.

"I heard from Xiao Zhao that you just went to see Su Yan," Xu Zhe smiled, "How are you?"

"teacher."

Xia Tingwan called out, and he subconsciously smiled while sitting on the sofa.

But just now when the smile bloomed, his eyes suddenly became sour. He lowered his eyes abruptly and remained silent for a moment.

In front of Xu Zhe, he is an actor and a student, but at the same time he is like half a child.

He is not well.

Xu Zhe knew it at a glance.

Such grievances can only be revealed in front of close people.

"Come."

Xu Zhe poured Xia Tingwan a cup of tea with a small purple sand teapot, and reached out his hand to touch Li Lanlan's head in Xia Tingwan's arms: "I called you here, because I always have a book with a good story in my hand, and now there are people who are willing to contribute Filming, but there is no rush. If you don’t talk about what’s on your mind, you won’t be able to calm down and talk about filming.”

"Teacher, Su Yan and I..." Xia Tingwan paused here, thinking about where to start.

In fact, he had been waiting for Xu Zhe to come back.

In the past six months, Xu Zhe and Lu Xiangnan have been traveling overseas, and then they basically took a cruise ship to vacation near the Caribbean Sea.

Xu Zhe was the witness of his and Su Yan's marriage back then. After the divorce, Xu Zhe called him several times, but he was completely dumbfounded at that time, and he always felt that the conversation on the phone was not thorough. I waited until Xu Zhe came back.

He finally decided to start talking about their marriage going downhill, talking about his self-willedness at home after a year or two of frustration at work, talking about his seeing Su Jin's diary, then the car accident, and finally talking about how he found Ning Ning's love after the divorce. Things, Wen Zichen's appearance, and his meeting with Su Yan again and again.

This lecture lasted for more than two hours.

On the way, Lu Xiangnan exchanged two pots of tea for him and Xu Zhe, and didn't interrupt, but kept painting quietly on the sidelines.

Lan Lan got tired of staying in Xia Tingwan's arms, sat on the bed and watched Lu Xiangnan draw for a while, then jumped back into Xu Zhe's wrist and began to squint lazily.

Xia Tingwan talked about what happened tonight, and the moment he finished speaking, he felt a little dazed.

But Xu Zhe narrowed his eyes slightly and fell into deep thought for a long time.

"Teacher," Xia Tingwan felt embarrassed when he saw that Xu Zhe seemed to be a little troubled. He lowered his head and took a sip of tea to cover up, and said in a low voice, "I'm sorry, I talked too much, it's very trivial..."

Xu Zhe shook his head, he scratched Lan Lan's chin with his hand once and for all, looked at Xia Tingwan, and said gently: "What you are giving me now is a lot of details in your relationship, it's too messy, I'll try to Let me sort out the internal logic for you—in fact, it’s mainly Su Yan’s emotional logic.”

"Well, let's look at the past between you as a whole text now. Su Yan is a character in this story. I have always told you that acting itself is emotional, but before entering the play, for Arrangement of logic, details, and character relationships is rational. This kind of rationality is the most indispensable part of understanding characters. Only when we understand the characters can the acting be tenable. We are now like in the past on the set of "Whale Language" That way, if you jump out, it will be treated as if I am telling you a play about the character of Su Yan——okay?"

Xia Tingwan nodded vigorously, this is the way he is most familiar with.

"Tingwan, if your divorce is made into a movie, what do you think is the core conflict in the script?"

"It's... It's because of my drunk driving accident."

"That's right," Xu Zhe nodded, and continued: "Let's analyze this incident from the cause and effect. Before the car accident, you saw Su Yan's brother's diary and lost your temper with him, and then you were in a bad mood. You didn't care about drinking and drove out. After the car accident, you learned from Su Yan that Su Jin committed suicide. This is information you already know, but there is one detail you don't know. I happen to know—how Su Jin died."

Xia Tingwan didn't know what Xu Zhe meant for a while, so he repeated it a bit confusedly: "How did Su Jin die?"

"Yes," Xu Zhe nodded, sighed slightly, and said, "You can't read this from Su Jin's diary, but Su Yan told me several years ago that it was his year. Back home from vacation, 11-year-old Su Jin went out with him and was waiting for the train to pass by the guardrail. Su Jin suddenly told him that he wanted to eat ice cream. I got in from under the guardrail, and stood in the middle of the rail—”

Xia Tingwan was stunned for a moment, it was so tragic that he could hardly imagine it.

My mind was in chaos, and I couldn't say a word for a while.

"An 11-year-old child with a low intelligence level has always had the idea of ​​suicide in his heart. He either deliberately prepared it, or just watched the train approaching, and suddenly had this idea. It took two steps— ——If the person is gone, he will not be in front of Su Yan. If Su Yan hadn’t turned around to buy ice cream, or dragged Su Jin to buy ice cream, wouldn’t Su Jin probably not die? Think about it—it’s not me What do you think Su Yan thinks about Su Jin's death, but do you think about the possibility of Su Yan thinking this way?

"He He……"

Xia Tingwan's voice trembled: "He feels guilty."

"That's right." Xu Zhe said bluntly: "He has guilt, self-blame, mixed with pain, and even resentment towards himself. Remember, this is Su Yan, who is 18 years old. Seeing my brother's flesh and blood being smashed to pieces by the train in front of him, how long do you think it will take a person to get out of this kind of shock?"

Xia Tingwan's lips trembled slightly, but he couldn't answer.

"Five years, ten years, a lifetime—it's all possible. But there is another detail about this matter, which involves you, which will definitely affect Su Yan. That is, Su Jin didn't jump off a building or take medicine. He He was hit to death by a train in front of Su Yan, dripping with blood."

Xu Zhe stared at Xia Tingwan's eyes, his eyes were very powerful at this moment, and he said word by word: "Back to you again. The scene of your car accident, have you ever thought about what kind of scene it would be? You were You couldn't see it because you were unconscious, but Su Yan went out to chase you, he was the fastest to arrive at the scene, right? So he saw it."

"None of us know what it was like at the time, but we can make a reasonable guess. Of course, the car crashed into pieces, and you fell into it, unconscious——Su Yan arrived at the scene, and he didn't know whether you were dead or not. Huo, I saw you lying there with blood all over your head and face at first sight, imagine again, how did Su Yan feel at that time?"

Xia Tingwan only felt a rumble in his chest, he took a big breath, and then took another breath.

He never interpreted the car accident from this angle.

Yes, he never knew the horrors of his time.

When he woke up, he was anesthetized and lying in the hospital, forgetting for a moment what had happened.

But Su Yan saw it, Su Yan was the first person to see it.

"You fell there, a similar scene - dripping with blood. For Su Yan, he might have thought you were dead for a moment, and the scene of that scene 18 years ago was reproduced in front of him again. If you pay more attention Think about it, what kind of blow is this to this hurting man who loves you?"

-

"You fell there, a similar scene - dripping with blood. For Su Yan, he might have thought you were dead for a moment, and the scene of the tragic disaster 18 years ago reappeared in front of him. You again Think about it, what kind of blow is this to this hurting man who loves you?"

Xia Tingwan covered his face, and curled up uncontrollably.

It's not that he couldn't answer, but he couldn't bear to think about it. After a long time, he finally murmured: "He must have been in so much pain at that time."

"He is not only in pain. Do you still remember the last words you said to him before the car accident, you said that he used his love for you to make up for his guilt for his brother—"

Xu Zhe sighed helplessly, and continued after being silent for a while: "These are all the details of the car accident. If you put them together, you will find that the car accident from Su Yan's perspective is so tragic that it can almost make you lose weight." His whole body is destroyed. He feels fear and self-blame like never before. His subconscious will blame himself for your car accident. He is not only sorry for you, but also for the child you mentioned—Ning Ning. Ting Wan, A man could be seriously injured if he suddenly took on so much weight."

When Xu Zhe said this, he stretched out his hand to straighten Xia Tingwan's face, looked at the scar on his face, and said in a low voice: "Look, this is the scar left by the car accident. It's on the skin texture. Although it will be very distressing, at the same time you can see that it is gradually fading and getting better. However, none of us can see Su Yan's injury. We can only rely on these details and analyze bit by bit to try Get close to his inner world."

Xia Tingwan raised his head to look at Xu Zhe, and suddenly said softly: "Teacher, is Su Yan still injured until now? Even, even after so long, he still hasn't recovered."

"Of course, in the few meetings after the divorce, there are many things worthy of analysis hidden in his attitude, but you are immersed in emotions and may not notice it."

Xu Zhe sat up straight, moved closer to Xia Tingwan, and said slowly: "Recall the scene when you first met after the formal divorce—this time, Su Yan's attitude was the toughest, right? ? He said 'I don't love you or hate you', 'I don't want to see you in the future', if you heard such harsh words, you must have felt that there was no hope of getting back together."

Xia Tingwan nodded involuntarily. Of course he still remembers it vividly. At that time, it was really like falling into an abyss. At that time, Su Yan was so strange and cold, it almost made him feel scared.

"But remember, just this time, all his harsh words about your relationship are all false. Every time he meets you after that, what he said is closer to the truth-only this time, it's all in Lie to you."

Xia Tingwan suddenly raised his head, looked at Xu Zhe, and felt that he had grasped something, but he couldn't say clearly.

"This is because, this meeting, every word Su Yan said to you was motivated—do you still remember that the first meeting was when you hadn't discovered Ningning's existence, Su Yan was very clear I really know that he doesn't want you to find out, and he doesn't want you to come again, so he is particularly vicious and wants to cut off all your fantasies. This is also the only time after the divorce that he clearly expressed that he doesn't love you. So this is lie."

Xia Tingwan felt his heart beating faster in an instant.

After the divorce, everything happened very quickly, leaving him with rapid loss and sadness again and again.

He didn't have time to think carefully, and he had never sorted out the context and motivation behind each of Su Yan's words as logically as Xu Zhe did.

He couldn't help looking at Xu Zhe. Although there were lines left over from the corners of Xu Zhe's eyes, his eyes were still bright and full of wisdom.

"So, you can think about it again, every time you talk to him about relationship issues. You fought for several times, although he always refused, but did he become more vulnerable every time, and never again? Is it the tough moment? The second time you asked about the relationship, he said that he was tired, old, and not energetic enough-this is a problem of the ability to love and not love you, no longer the attitude of not loving you There is a problem. This is the first change. You asked about the relationship for the third time, questioning why he could have sex with Wen Zichen so quickly, and asking him if he would be sad if you also found someone new. This time he even The attitude is gone, just let you find someone simple and young. This is the second transformation."

"Until tonight, he has almost half-confessed to you, and what he said has begun to get closer and closer to his true heart-he feels that he makes you more and more unhappy, and that you are going downhill by marrying him ——This downhill road came to the end, and it turned out to be a drunk driving accident. He couldn't face it. You said that you thought it was because you were too willful and broke Su Yan's heart that you came to the divorce. But if you start from Judging by Su Yan's step-by-step reaction for so long, I don't think Su Yan thinks so."

Xu Zhe sped up his speech slightly. He looked at Xia Tingwan and said with certainty: "For Su Yan, the divorce is probably not because you hurt him. He can tolerate you being willful towards him in your love life. Toss him again and again. The real fatal thing is that he feels that he has done something wrong, that he did not take good care of you, five years of marriage, but it makes you suffer so much that he hurts himself, and he personally kills the person he loves the most. It's ruined. That's how his relationship finally broke down."

Xu Zhe stopped here.

Xia Tingwan lowered his head, his chest heaved rapidly, took out the cigarette case from his pocket, lit a cigarette with trembling fingers.

In the silence, the patter of rain outside the window sounded like a cry of regret.

Xu Zhe looked at Xia Tingwan smoking with his head down, and said softly: "I still remember Su Yan's appearance on the day I married you. After the ceremony, he was a little drunk and chatting with me. He looked like There is really a kind of silly joy, his face is also red, and his smile is a bit simple and honest. I asked him, is marriage so happy? He said—”

"He has a family, and he will be dependable and steadfast in everything he does in the future. He has a home."

"Actually, I felt quite moved at that time, really. The poems he wrote to you were romantic and beautiful. But in fact, I think that he who said these very ordinary and simple words may be more real. "

When Xia Tingwan heard that sentence, the corners of his eyes turned red all of a sudden, and he almost tried his best to hold back the tears.

He never expected that Su Yan's mood back then was exactly the same as his.

I have a home——

Like him, Su Yan has never had the warmth and shelter of his family.

It turned out that Su Yan had also relied on him.

He is his home.

"Ting Wan, you are my student, I care more about you than Su Yan's mood—"

Xu Zhe handed him the ashtray, and there was gentle concern in his eyes: "You want to get back together, it is not a particularly easy thing at this stage. Actually, think about it, the time you accepted the fact of divorce is misplaced You have only accepted it in the past few months. Your pain is fresh and intense. Su Yan has dealt with it in his heart much earlier than you. After the car accident, when he was with you for half a year, I have thought about separating from you countless times, and that was the most uncomfortable stage for him. In fact, by now, his pain should have changed from a sharp stabbing pain to a dull pain. But you are back now, you It was forcibly destroying his psychological defense and pulling him back to the most painful moment before, his instinct must be to resist and escape."

Xia Tingwan took a puff of bitter cigarette, he knew what Xu Zhe said was right.

"He actually built a lot of psychological defenses for himself. You see,"

Xu Zhe lifted the head of Lan Lan, who was in a drowsy sleep, and gently pulled the cat's long beard. Lan Lan struggled in her sleep, and pulled Xu Zhe's hand with her paw. Xu Zhe continued: : "The cat's whiskers can be used to measure the distance and detect the flow of air. To put it bluntly, it will make it more comfortable and feel safe. The current situation is that Su Yan has grown a lot of whiskers for himself—the relationship with Wen Zichen Either way, he repeatedly emphasized that he was just a movie fan, these are cat whiskers, his way of giving himself a sense of security. You have a showdown with him tonight, and you are not allowed to be with Wen Zichen again, for him It’s like pulling out his beard all of a sudden, but I don’t know if it’s a good thing. If he keeps backing away, I’m just afraid that you will fly into the flame... and hurt yourself.”

"What are you afraid of?"

Lu Xiangnan suddenly spoke.

Lu Xiangnan's voice was as crisp and crisp as his own.

He put the paintbrush aside, brushed the loose strands of hair, and said bluntly: "Why don't you pull out the things he doesn't need?"

"For a man of Su Yan's class, the people he loves are never practical. He can only love things that suit his aesthetics. Does he need someone to solve his sexual needs? Does he need someone to take care of him to please him? He It's never been lacking, he's just out of his mind now, thinking that these things give him a reason to separate from Ting Wan in name."

Lu Xiangnan's words can be said to be very blunt: "He is not clear-headed, and he has done wrong things. Why are you spoiling him? Don't listen to Xu Zhe's words, he and Su Yan are such people until middle age. An old man who is afraid of pain."

When Xu Zhe heard Lu Xiangnan speak, he was a little helpless, and smiled a little dotingly, and lowered his head to drink tea.

Lu Xiangnan came over, picked Lan Lan up and threw him under the sofa, but he lay down in Xu Zhe's arms naturally, squinting his eyes and said: "Moths fly to the fire because they long for the fire. What do you want? Just don’t let go because you’re worried about these things. What’s wrong with him, if it hurts, just pluck out these useless beards, two people love each other, don’t care who owes who for a while, being together is a lifetime event.”

"Su Yan is 36 this year, even if it hurts for a year or so, you still have 50 years to love him to your heart's content. So, why hesitate?"

When the daughter-in-law spoke, Xu Zhe didn't dare to refute, but just lowered his head and gently wiped the oil paint on Lu Xiangnan's face.

Xia Tingwan looked at the two of them, with complicated emotions constantly churning in his heart.

Some envy, some admiration for Lu Xiangnan, more, it seems that he is clear and firm about his future, his feelings also suddenly stood on the solid ground this night, and gave birth to flexible roots .

The gentle and refined Xu Zhe is a talented person in everyone's mind, but in the love relationship, Xia Tingwan always felt that Xu Zhe owed a lot to Lu Xiangnan, but now he felt that he was troublesome.

Xu Zhe has a kind of literati-like awkwardness in his bones. The great director sleeps with the actors he discovered by himself, and the age difference is more than ten years old. It is too controversial to talk about it.

Xu Zhe was afraid of people's words, but he couldn't resist Lu Xiangnan's hard pursuit. In the end, the relationship was a talk, but Lu Xiangnan still gave in blindly. He suffered a lot for the filming of Xu Zhe's scene. Even so, Xu Zhe has been unwilling to make it public.

It took Xu Zhe cowardly for six full years before he gave Lu Xiangnan a bright and happy ending.

Lu Xiangnan's faint words of indifference now really exhausted all the foolishness and bravery of human love.

In the final analysis, whether it is worth it is only measured in the eyes of outsiders.He is an inch, he is a foot, after all, someone owes the other party.

But for two people who love to the extreme, the joys and sorrows are intertwined, and even their lives are blended together, that little bit is really not in the eyes.

Have the courage to hold hands for a lifetime, so you are not afraid of a little wind and rain for a while.

love--

It is domineering.