Leftover temperature

I don't know how to cherish myself.

But he no longer depends on me, he drives me away.

Does that mean I'm really not that important to him anymore?

But I'm not reconciled, it doesn't matter what happens, it doesn't matter if he doesn't love me all the time, or drives me away, I leave him reluctantly.Even if I only want to be his elder on the bright side in this life, as long as I am by his side, as long as I see him safe and happy.

Yet all that comfort fell apart the moment I found out he had stomach cancer.

He didn't tell me that he had stomach cancer when he left me half a year ago, but he kept it from me, even gave up treatment, and wanted to disappear completely alone in this kind of place.

It was me, I hurt him too deeply.

I stayed with him in Baihua Lane for two months, and this short period of time was the happiest and peaceful time we have had in all these years.

I thought I could wait to spend the New Year with him as soon as possible and take him abroad for treatment.

But some things are always beyond my expectation, even beyond all my expectations.

The arrival of Mo Yanshu and the fake news from the Si family caught me off guard.

And he was so cruel.

Not even let me see him for the last time, at the end of my 38th year, as the first snow in Nanyang faded away.

I still can't keep him.

After he passed away, I thought about leaving with him immediately, but I couldn't help but opened the diary that had carried him for ten years.

The first page of the diary was written when he was 17 years old: "I like him."

The last page of the diary was written in the winter when he was 27 years old: "I have been his lover for six years, and I have been greedy for him for 13 years. It was nothing."

It turns out that we are all cowards.

It's just Yanyan, the five years we were together were aboveboard, how can we say that you are my lover?

I understand that by this time, death is undoubtedly the best destination for me and him.

This world cannot keep him, nor is he qualified to keep him.

It’s just that I don’t understand his cause. At least before I leave, I need to understand why he has a six-year history of pulmonary fibrosis, why the hospital can’t find it out, and why he has sudden organ failure.

Then Mo Yanshu told me that all of this was done by one person, he was the one who spread the fake news, and he blocked the information.If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be going back to Si's house, and I would still be able to catch up with Yanyan for the last time.

Afterwards, a man named Ji Qingye came to me. He was actually a member of our organization, but he was elusive. This was the first time I saw him after so many years in my company.

He told me something.

Ji Qingye said that Yi Yanyan's body could not live to be 20 years old.Later, a doctor named Lu Shenyan helped him extend it to 40 years old, but he forced it to be shortened by himself, so he couldn't survive the 29-year-old Lin Dong.

I'm in control without a nervous breakdown.

Finally, Ji Qingye turned around and said to me with a smile before leaving, "He likes white roses."

I watched him quietly, waiting for his next words.

Then I heard him say, "Do you know the flower language of white roses?"

…………

I dealt with the matter after he left very peacefully, explained to his fans, let his family see him for the last time, and sent him to the crematorium with trembling hands. If possible, I really hope to be with him Let's jump into that fire together.

But my Yanyan should always maintain such beauty like this.

On the seventeenth day of the Lunar New Year, I returned to Baihua Lane.

I sent everyone away, shaved off the messy beard, tidied up my appearance, put on the white shirt when I first met him, then leaned against the bed, sat on the carpet, and hugged his Ashes, cut his wrist with a knife.

Many years ago, he also committed suicide in the same way.

Now I use this method to find him.

I left a piece of paper with only one sentence written on it: the ashes were mixed, and the coffin was buried in the old place of Shixi.

I'm mean, I'm selfish.

You can't grow old in life, and you don't want to let go in death.

Gu is in different chambers, and death is in the same cave.

While feeling the passing of my life, I suddenly remembered many things, all about him.His smile, his tears... It's just that in all these years, he's the only one who hasn't lost his temper or complained about his troubles.

My eyes fell on the floor-to-ceiling windows.At this time, Nanyang is still snowing heavily, and the snow in the small courtyard is already very thick, layer upon layer, like a pity that it has not been filled.

I saw him squatting in front of the blooming rose garden, gently brushing the snow off the rose petals with his fingertips, and said to me: "Look, there's been a lot of snow this year."

Yes.

Thinking about it carefully, neither Nanyang nor Xinyou seems to have had much snow in these years, and occasionally there is snow, and the two are separated from each other.

We can finally watch a quiet snow together.

Just Yanyan, this time, don't push me away.

The author has something to say:

"Book of Songs · Wang Feng · Cart"

Valleys are in different chambers, death is in the same cave;

It is said that I do not believe it, like the sun.