But for you, lovesickness

I'm afraid it's impossible for her not to hate me...

How many times have I lied to her, how many times have I hurt her, I can't count the indifference...

She was originally a lovely girl in a happy family, a treasure her parents cared for and cared for... But the successive censures that fell around her broke the beauty.

If it is said that it was my father who destroyed her complete family, it was her father who molded her isolated personality...

The one who ruined her sincere longing was me.

·

Jin Yan has long dreamed of going abroad for further study, and I know the reason for it——

Because she experienced the pain of mother-child separation when she was young, she originally wanted to study medicine and tried her best to save similar broken families. Later, she saw what her father did, and she cruelly severed the relationship between father and daughter, abandoned the doctor to join the police, and had a black and white relationship with him... Now The choice was the result of her many considerations.

It is a good thing to continue to study, and it is her independent decision, so I am naturally happy for her.

But she couldn't bring herself to be interested, and after she finished speaking to me, she asked angrily if I was indifferent to her.

My heartstrings broke at this point, and I felt flustered like when I was confessed by her back then.

Recalling that time, the haze dissipated and my mind cleared up. I leaned over to hug her and rub her to make trouble with her. She calmed down and responded to me with a smile.

After that, the topic of parting was suppressed, and she avoided me if she didn't mention it, for fear of being asked about her future plans.

……

In the last days of college, our graduation trip came in a panic.

The seven of us got acquainted by fate and walked through this lush years hand in hand.From now on, whether it's the bleak future between me and her, or the distance between us and my second sister, it will be difficult to get together again.

This trip is the first time, and it may not be the end.

I convinced myself that I put aside all the messy things in my mind these days, and simply shared them with the dear ones around me.

The last stop of the university went to the ancient town in Lin province, because it was available on the same day, and the seven-day travel time was full of memories of the ancient town.

The seven of us booked a dormitory in the youth hostel.

In the words of the third sister, it is a fulfillment of our common wish for Xiaoqi to return to the family.

She said to me with a teasing smile, which made Jin Yan beside me blush.

In those days, everyone was very happy, especially Xiao Qi.She is kind and curious about all things, no matter the weather is sunny or rainy, there is a smile on the corner of her mouth that makes people happy at first sight.

I only found out after asking in private that it was her first time going out.

She asked me back, and I said that my family had gone to the sea together before.

She clasped my arm and turned her head to act like a baby, asking me to take her there next time, panic gradually appeared in her eyes.

"Okay." I tried my best to answer her calmly, concealing the turmoil in my heart.

Where our future goes, neither of us is sure.

She expressed her heart directly, and I tried my best. In the words of the third sister, this is good.

……

The ancient town is crowded with people, and the leisurely atmosphere is completely covered by glitz.

We spent half a day waiting in line, hoping to commemorate the opportunity in front of the ancient town.

The three older sisters are in front, the four younger ones are in the back, Yun Yi is in the front, hugging left and right, Jin Yan is holding my hand and putting it on her shoulders, and on the other side, Zhong Xin is quietly making rabbit ears on top of Du Qing's head .

The photos are full of bright joy, and the tranquility of the sky and the years in that environment.

Each of us has one.This is also the only group photo of the seven of us so far.

Compared with the bustling ancient town, our own memories are mostly wandering in the youth hostel dormitory.

This week the dormitory was extraordinarily lively due to the sleeping meeting. In addition, the random bed positions strongly enhanced the warmth.

The first night, Third Sister and Xiao Wu forced the eldest sister and Xiao Qi to occupy the lower berth, shouting that Feng Shui took turns, and drove the three of us to the upper berth.

From the second night onwards, the dormitory beds were half empty, and the two took turns sharing a quilt.

Before going to bed that day, Xiao Liu came up with an idea: To be fair, Xiao Qi, as a "family treasure", cannot belong to anyone alone. These few days, it will be owned by the sisters in turn.

Zhong Xin "sold" Jin Yan with one sentence.

The sisters agreed one after another.

At that time, Jin Yan was sitting next to me in her pajamas, and I turned my head to see that the girl's ears were blushing silently.

In seven days, the combination of who and who was finished, and my relationship with her was left on the last night.

It was very lively downstairs, Xiaowu and Xiaoliu grabbed the quilt for a long time, our lower berth, the third sister who was sleeping alone sighed slightly sadly, the two people on the other side had long since disappeared.

The upper bunk was empty as far as the eye could see.

Just us.

Even though there was still an empty bed in the lower bunk, she insisted on pulling me up, calling it "feel the upper bunk".

We were very cautious at first, lying flat and covered with a quilt, with a faint gap left in the middle.

When Xiaowu and Xiaoliu were fighting for the quilt, we were on the top, looking at the ceiling and laughing silently. When the two of them were scared away by the third sister, I peeked to the side and saw that the face encouraged me a little.

She tugged on my cuff, "I'm cold."

I turned around and reached over her to tuck in the quilt.

She put her arms around my arms and stared at the side of my face, "Don't move, I'm cold."

When I looked at her, she quickly closed her eyes with a contented smile on her cheeks.

I slept very well that night, and the warmth around me melted into my heart, making me feel at ease.

When I woke up, I didn't know when it was turned upside down, and I was lying on my back and she slept next to me.

I didn't hug the quilt, and she didn't sleep curled up.

We slept together for the first time, squeezed into a small bed, and got used to it very well.

Nuanyu in my arms moved, I blinked to wake up, and lowered my head to meet her eyes.

She was already awake, and when she saw me awake, she lowered her head to my shoulder and whispered, "I don't want to go."

My heart fluttered.I saw her hair up, and I didn't understand if she said "don't go" because she didn't want to leave here, leave school, or go abroad.

Maybe both.

Of course I don't want to, I don't want to go back to face the entanglement, I don't want to perfunctory her and coax her, and I don't want to be separated from her.

In an instant, retreat was pervasive.

There were faint movements under the bunk.

I just settled down, pushed away the negativity I shouldn't have, and tilted my head to tease her, "Then who will accompany me to see the sea?"

She just smiled and rubbed the tip of her nose against my cheek, "Of course it's me."

Get up, wash up, and start your return journey.

At the end of the only journey of the seven of us, a memory and an old photo remain.

Perhaps for me and her, there is still an intimate past that cannot be returned.

……

After returning to school, I secretly went to the teacher and told me about my premeditated plan. He couldn't hold back me and had to agree, and introduced me to my father's old boss, now Captain Xu of the criminal police team in the bureau.

I briefly restate my thoughts.

They are old friends of my father, and they share the same interests. When they heard that I was willing to do the work of investigating old cases, they were gratified for my father, but they couldn't help worrying about me.

After several discussions, it was decided.Team Xu asked the bureau leader for instructions, and secretly filed a record in the bureau.

Later, I had a private appointment. During that day, the two of them taught me a lot, informed me of the backup deployment in the bureau, repeatedly told me to be cautious, and tried my best to pass on my undercover experience.

Undercover... I was listening, unable to stop being obsessed with this word.

Undercover, sneaked into her house and exposed his father's secrets.

She treated me with all her sincerity, and that's how I responded to her with hypocrisy...

In the end, I heard Team Xu ordering me to evacuate at any time in case of danger.

I responded, said goodbye and turned around, feeling ashamed.

It was my selfishness that deceived everyone.

Even so, no regrets.

……

Graduation came as scheduled.

Except for the second sister who went back to her hometown to work, and Jin Yan who went abroad to study abroad, several of us applied for the city's public security criminal police team.

The day before seeing off my second sister, I panicked that this might be our last reunion day.

at that time.The few of us met for the first time in Jin Yan’s rented house. For a moment, everyone was laughing and listening to us talking about the fun of choosing decorations to renovate the house. In a moment, we were all sitting on the sofa sullenly.

The second sister promised us to come back to reunite every year on vacation, and solemnly invited us to visit her often.

The topic unknowingly talked about the future full of expectations, and the atmosphere eased.

For the break-up meal, they ate the same hot pot as when they were freshmen and Xiaoqi.

"So many years have passed in a blink of an eye." The second sister is always elegant, and it was much rarer to say a few words from her heart that night: "You all have to take care of yourself, take good care of yourself... Big sister, Yiyi, Qingqing, Xinxin... "

"And you two, Yang Yang, Yan Yan."

I felt sad, looked up at her, heard her say this, lowered my head guiltily to cover it up.

"You two have to be good." I heard her talking about me to Jin Yan, "She is just a little melon, withdrawn and stubborn, determined to make up her mind and never repenting... If she is stubborn and angry with you, you can reason with her That's good, come to us if you can't make sense..."

I lowered my head and heard her turn to me again: "I work with Jin Yan and sleep with you. I can see clearly how you two are... you two have to be good, and you have something to say. As long as your hearts are together , there is no hurdle that cannot be overcome."

I could hear my nose sour, and just in time for the boiling pot to bubble, I covered up my sniffing with the boisterous gurgling sound.

I turned my head to look at Jin Yan who was sitting next to her, she raised her head and quietly shed tears...

As soon as the hot pot is steaming, the situation is unavoidably sad, I think, in the haze, everyone is the same.

·

The second sister left, everyone dispersed, and we were the only ones left in the room.

I sat in a corner of the sofa, blankly recalling the reunion the day before...

We had a "feast" created by seven chefs around the table, and we hated each other's craftsmanship;

We nestled on the sofa and played games, watching Xiao Wu being wronged and acting like a baby;

We sat side by side on the balcony watching the stars and the moon, imagining the future;

Before going to bed, three or four of us huddled together on the same bed, laughing and arguing...

The book says that the past cannot be recovered, and it probably expresses this kind of nostalgic feeling.

Jin Yan sat down next to me, hugged me and slowly exerted force, "We have agreed, you are not allowed to leave..."

I didn't speak, and turned to look at her.

She closed her eyes and raised her lips gently, a tear came from the corner of her eyes, "I want to have you waiting for me every time I come back."

I can't bear to lie to her again.

Now weaving up sweet dreams to trick her into yearning, in the end, she will suffer double the pain.

I suddenly realized that by her side now, I was plotting to hurt her.

Those who lied to her broke her heart.

People who claim to punish evil and promote good are doing a stupid thing...

She was no longer willing to wait, and looked up at me suspiciously.

I finally showed weakness, and blocked her wild thoughts before her eyes changed: "If I can, I'll wait here for you to go home."

I hugged her back, hid my guilt in the sky behind her, and tried my best to give her back, what I can still give now is an intimate hug.

·

We lived there for two days, passing through the last quiet period.

On the day of joining the company, Jin Yan reluctantly sent me to the entrance of the corridor like saying goodbye to a sister. She may have a faint feeling that after today, it will not be the same as before.

……

I went to the unit to report and everything went well.

As usual, a bureau leader came to give a speech, and after the speech, Team Xu gave me a cautious look.

There was no worry or encouragement in that look, so I didn't want to make any further distinctions.

Zhong Xin and I were assigned to the same squadron. After our captain explained the work requirements, we each disbanded to collect office supplies.

……

I carried those things back to my home.

Mom thinks that knowing that I started working today, she asked for leave and waited for me to go back home.

When she saw that I was only carrying a backpack when I entered the door, she was instantly surprised.

When I took the bag back to my bedroom and came out, my mother was sitting on the sofa, apparently she had something to say to me.

I broke my mother's hard work step by step, and according to the original plan, I went to the coffee table and knelt down directly.

I watched my mother stand up in great astonishment, and immediately said the prepared words, blocking her thoughts of helping me.

I told my mother frankly: I like a girl. We met in freshman year and got together in sophomore year. So many years have passed in a blink of an eye...

My mother scolded me uncharacteristically, clenched her fists and told me to shut up.

I insisted on talking, forcing my mother to listen to me.

I talked about her family background, and in front of my mother, I repeatedly confirmed that my father sent people to seek revenge on my father who accidentally killed her mother. Before I could express my determination, my mother rushed over and slapped me. He said harsh words and told me to either get out of the house or break up with her.

I looked up at my mother, and I forced my mother until my heart was broken. I said: I must have her in my life.

At that moment, I was entangled with many thoughts in my heart, and what popped up was luck, luck that I could do something piously for me and her...

My mother was furious and smashed the glass at me.

After all, a mother is reluctant to part with her child... no matter how unfilial the child is.

The cup shattered beside me, and the tea splashed.

I have done too many things that made my mother feel sad, whether it was self-assessment when I applied for the school, or the prelude to Jin Yan, and the upcoming ones, I bet on the future with myself...

I exchanged my harm to my mother for my lawless "freedom".

I couldn't bear it any longer, and said "Mom, take care" to her, got up and fled through the door.

I didn't escape from the community, and ran into Zheng Fan head-on.

There was only a moment of panic.

I told him plainly where I was going, only concealing my motives.

As I thought, he got angry and wanted to take me home.

Reflexively, I suppressed him with a backhand.

There are so many new experiences in this day.This is the day when I became a policeman as I wished, when my mother was finally willing to beat me, and when I used the grappling technique that I had practiced thousands of times on my own brother...

Zheng Fan was suppressed by me and couldn't use his strength, so he called me angrily, saying that I was crazy...

I let go of him and ran away like a famine.

When my relatives broke up and I was homeless, when I was at my worst, it was Jin Yan who opened up and accepted me.

It would be more appropriate to say that I kidnapped her love and trust by cornering myself.

That silly girl believed me about the so-called resignation and running away from home. She felt sorry for me, took care of me, and comforted me...

I sobbed and cried in her arms. She thought I was sad, but it was actually me complaining about myself.

I forced my mother to be angry with me, my own brother to hate me, and used all my strength to lie to the people I loved.

In this way, the first step of entering her house has been achieved...

·

After staying in Xiaojia for another two days, messages came in from the phone from time to time.

Hundreds of calls and text messages that no one cares about are all from my younger brother.

I unloaded the card, threw it aside, and played a decadent and world-weary person at home every day.

Jin Yan cared about me as one.I pissed her off like this for a few days and forced her to make a decision—take me back to her house and confess to her family.

……

On the way back by car with her, I suddenly felt hopeless—in just a few days, I couldn’t count how many times I lied to her.

I put the weight of leaving home and losing my job on her, forcing her to face the dark past of her previous rupture, forcing her to return to the place where she grew up and compromise with the darkness behind her father.

She gave me everything, and I tried my best to break her bottom line.

Because of me, her subsequent autonomy and independence evaporated and became meaningless.

When I stopped at the stop, I wanted to jump down and escape, to a place where I could let go of calculations and relax...

It's a pity that I can't find such a paradise, and even if I find it, a person with a dark heart like me will not be taken in.

I still followed her to her house, and began that period of hypocrisy and obedience.

Her home is even more luxurious than I imagined, just like on TV, European-style villas, independent courtyards, with blue sky and green grass...

The people inside and outside her house, housekeeper, cook, servant, gardener, bodyguard, driver...the number of residents in a unit of my house is about the same...

Everyone bowed their heads respectfully when they saw her, and unanimously called her Miss.

She responded lightly to them, and the hands that clasped mine were as warm as ever.

She refused the bodyguard's help, pushed the door open by herself, and led me in.I followed her into a world that was clearly alien to me.

The spacious living room is magnificent, I looked up, and my eyes were diverted by the bright lights.

Jin Yan let go of my hand, went to push away the murals as wall decorations and dimmed the lights, and returned to push my shoulders to accompany me to sit on the sofa.

The touch of the sofa is as soft as duck down in a down jacket. I fell into it, and my heart was dragged into a trough.

I have read Jin Tian's information. He has been in the underworld for many years. He has been the focus of the police since the arrest operation my father participated in.

After my father died of illness, he "washed his hands in the golden basin", handed over his business on the road to helpers, and moved to the business circle by himself. At first, he invested in stocks and saved capital to attract talents. Later, he established Jin's company and gained both fame and fortune.

I heard that Jin Tian acted cautiously, leaving no trace of what happened back then, and even put on a hypocritical face afterwards, making the police helpless...

The luxury of his family that can be seen in front of his eyes is all a legitimate source of income.

My heart was depressed for no reason, I thought, maybe I saw the difference between Jin Yan and me.

Life experience, family background, growth environment... It's ridiculous that I still boast that I have countless common topics with her. In fact, those are all reasons for me to find ways to get close to her, right?

Jin Yan poured tea for me, the fragrance of the tea wafted into his nostrils, and his heart was cold to the end.

I shook my head and refused her. She saw that I was wrong, put down the teacup and took my hand again. Before she could make a sound, there was a continuous and gradual sound of crisp footsteps.

I followed Jin Yan and got up to look back. It was Jin Chuan who ran downstairs quickly.

He called "Sister" and moved closer to Jin Yan.

Jin Yan introduced me to him very succinctly, "This is Zheng Yang, you know."

"I know, I know." Jin Chuan grinned, and when he had laughed enough, he leaned into Jin Yan's ear and said something, which made Jin Yan pretend to hit him.

Playing around in the empty room, I relaxed a bit.

……

The three of us sat on the sofa chatting, but I was actually listening to their siblings chatting.

Jin Chuan pestered his sister to tell about our graduation trip, and his eyes lit up.

The atmosphere suddenly changed at this time.The housekeeper and servant who were chatting in low voices in the hall suddenly stopped, and stood respectfully at the door.

Her siblings suddenly realized something, stopped laughing and stood up, walked around to the front of the sofa and stood side by side.

Jin Yan still clasped my hand tightly, so I naturally followed her.

From far to near, the "Master" with different timbres opened the way, and a tall man in a suit and leather shoes stepped in.

I watched him approach.

"Dad, sister is back, she's not leaving." Jin Chuan was eager to speak, maybe he saw me when he turned his head to look at Jin Yan, and hurriedly introduced me to Jin Tian, ​​"Sister also brought friends to the house."

Jin Tian handed the suit jacket he took off to the servant, and walked to him in a leisurely manner.

I think I didn't know how to restrain my emotions at that time, and stared at him bitterly, so that he would notice my existence and give me a few more glances when he got closer.

Jin Yan leaned towards me calmly.

Jin Tian's eyes moved to her naturally, "Aren't you leaving?"

He said it to Jin Yan, but she pursed her lips and did not respond.

He sighed, full of helplessness, "How long has it been since you came back? It will be again in a few days..." He hesitated to speak, and went to the sofa to take a seat first.

Jin Yan clasped me with one hand and pulled Jin Chuan back to the original seat, she opened her mouth to face her brother, "I want to come back and stay with Xiao Chuan for a few days before going abroad."

"Where are you going?"

"Sister, you want to go abroad?!"

The father and son were shocked on the spot, and I was stunned for a while. It turned out that they didn't know.

Jin Yan reported her school and departure date in a lukewarm tone.

I stared at the man with a forbearing face, watching him suppress his dissatisfaction and patiently comfort him time and time again, and I was intuited to be funny.The all-powerful person is obedient to the younger generation at home, who will believe it?

Because Jin Yan suddenly raised the hand that was clasped with my fingers, I turned my head back and met her clear smiling eyes.

Her smile fascinated me, and I forgot what was in my heart, stranded in the spring water in her eyes.

She smiled at me, then turned around suddenly, "Jin Chuan, this is your sister's most important person, what should you call her?"

Her tone at that time was not the playfulness of her siblings when they were laughing, nor the indifference when she faced her father, but the incomparable seriousness.

Jin Chuan moved over and honestly called me sister through Jin Yan.

I smiled, I was really happy at that moment.

After that, Jin Yan dragged us to continue chatting, ignoring her father who was sitting next to him and clenched his fists.

"I don't agree." A deep male voice broke the laughter.

Jin Yan lifted the hand on Jin Chuan's shoulder and pinched his face, telling him in detail: "Take care of yourself."

As she pulled me up, the meaning of farewell flowed silently.

Jin Chuan chased over to stop her, and hugged her to stop her.

The male voice behind said coldly, "If your mother is still here, would you still threaten her like this?"

Jin Yan turned his head and smiled, "It was my mother who taught me the principle of 'repaying virtue with kindness'. I naturally sat down to explain the truth to her, but isn't it appropriate for Jin Dong and you to use the tricks you are used to?"

"You!" Jin Tian couldn't help being annoyed when an outsider was confronted by his daughter in such a way. He stepped forward a few steps and was about to explode, but was stopped by Jin Chuan who spoke nicely.

Jin Yan squeezed my hand, "Let's go."

Before he could take a step, he was stopped by someone: "Stop!"

Seeing it with my own eyes, I have only seen the tension between his father and daughter.

He made an excuse to keep us for dinner, but he finally compromised.

Jin Yan's face turned better, he squeezed my fingers, and turned to greet her brother.

Jin Tian gave the steps, but Jin Yan didn't hold back anymore, and agreed to her brother's persuasion, and asked me to stay with her at Jin's house for a few days.

I'm vaguely grateful, I don't know if it's because of our success in "meeting our parents" or my success in "undercover".

When Jin Yan lived back at her house before going abroad, he had constant disputes with her father, mostly because of me—the day I went back with her alone, there were two things, one was to admit our relationship, and the other was my accommodation issue.

At the dinner table, Jin Yan invited the butler Uncle, the servants and the chef to sit down and eat together.

There was enough room for a long dining table, and no one raised any objections.

Moving her chopsticks, she picked up food for me and Jin Chuan, stood up, and took care of everyone present.

Except for her father in the seat alone.

Jin Tian squeezed his chopsticks tightly, broke the tranquility, and asked someone to clean up a guest room for me.

Jin Yan stopped the servant aunt who was about to leave, turned around and pinched my earlobe and asked me: Shall we sleep in my bedroom or the guest room?

I held her hand underneath and squeezed lightly.Even if her father is wrong, it is a bit extreme for her to contradict her elders like this.

Before she could react, Chairman Jin, who had been humiliated one after another, put down his chopsticks and went upstairs.

Under the wrong stare, Jin Yan coaxed me to eat like a normal person.

She ate slowly, but I couldn't swallow.

Contradicting Jin Tian one after another, even annoying him, is not what I want to see.

……

Before going to bed that night, with selfish intentions, I wanted to persuade her to ease the relationship with her father, but she was blocked by a single word.

With the experience of the previous night in the ancient town, she naturally turned over and nestled into my arms.

She raised her head, with the clear and broken moonlight in her eyes, and said to me with a suppressed cry: "Do you think I'm unfilial?... I don't want to contradict him, and I want my family to be well, but, Yang, the lost I can't find it...my mother, she can't come back!"

The words were stuck in my throat, I hugged her back, closed my eyes to feel her feelings, at that moment I didn't think about anything, I just wanted to warm the silly girl in my arms according to the first thought.

Jin Yan is really a silly girl. The next morning, she smiled at me with eyes swollen from crying, and said that she hadn't felt warm in that home or that bed for a long time.

I made trouble with her and asked her to tell me about her and Jin Chuan's childhood...

That silly girl was unguarded against others, and her alienated and indifferent appearance was the only defense she raised.

But she broke the precept for me and tolerated me deceiving her at that time, just like allowing me to hurt her later...

But at that time, I didn't know how to see clearly, and I just plunged into the dead end of revenge, and I didn't know how to understand her favor and kindness to me...

The author has something to say: (The next chapter will definitely end... No.1 said it was very addictive... Unfortunately, the affectionate Zheng Yangyang was written by me...)

Jin Yan: No, she is what she is, ruthless and unreasonable!

[Small theater where the style of painting deviates]

Jin Yan pointed at Zheng Yang and looked at Jin Chuan: "This is Zheng Yang, you know it."

"I know, I know." Jin Chuan grinned, and whispered in Jin Yan's ear, "Isn't that brother-in-law!"

Jin Yan reached out to hit him...