Jujube

My fantasies about my brother came from a wet dream.

In the dream, Lu Xinyao was sitting in front of that second-hand computer in the room we shared. He seemed to have just taken a shower and was naked. I don’t know whether it was water or sweat dripping from his waist. He slanted his shoulders. Sitting there, he ordered me in his usual tone: "Come here."

I was a little afraid of my brother, and my heart was pounding when I walked towards him. My brother patted his leg lightly with his scarred hand, and then ordered, "Sit here, brother."

There was a thump in my heart, and the tension and uneasiness at that moment was like a huge wave, overwhelming me suddenly.I thought I was going to be drowned, but in the next second it lifted me high again, a strange excitement suddenly grew in the depths of my heart, and jumped out of my body - under the order of my brother , I completed the first wet dream of adolescence.

After waking up, my body suddenly felt icy cold amidst the lingering aftertaste of blushing and heartbeat, as if someone had poured a basin of cold water on my face, and my limbs couldn't help trembling.I lay stiffly on the bed, not daring to move. The quilt was like a fig leaf hiding dirt and dirt, heavily covering my moldy desires.

I didn’t know how long I got out of bed and moved to the door carefully. I didn’t want my brother to find out, but things went against my will. When I pushed the door open, there was a moan from the door, and I stood in the middle of the crack , heard a slight movement from behind.

I didn't dare to look back, so I had to hide out of the door with my legs crossed awkwardly, and then quickly slipped into the toilet.I frantically rinsed my pants under the tap, and dawdled for a while before I dared to go back.The room was still dark and quiet, and my brother was leaning against the head of the bed, staring at me with the same dark and quiet eyes.

"Meng Li." Perhaps because of that dream, when I first heard Lu Xinyao's voice, my ears and scalp felt numb.

Lu Xinyao asked, "What did you do?"

I lied and said, "I'm going to the bathroom."

Lu Xinyao looked at me and smiled briefly, "Did you pee your pants?"

My brother often gives people a casual feeling when he speaks, and when he speaks casually, there is always a bit of frivolity in his tone. I can hear a hint of playful intimacy from his short sentence. Suddenly, I feel My face scalded hot.

I quickly denied it: "I, I didn't."

Lu Xinyao glanced at my bed again. Just when I thought he had discovered something and was about to expose me, he turned his gaze away and said, "Oh, really."

My brother didn't intend to continue asking, I heard his bed move slightly, ready to sleep.I also lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness, not falling asleep for a long time, I felt a pair of eyes on the roof staring at me all the time, when I closed my eyes, it stared straight at my dream again.

I rolled off the bed, dropped the quilt, and crawled under my brother's bed in a panic, hearing my heart beating anxiously.

"Forgive me. Will you forgive me?"

I did a terrible thing behind my brother's back, will he hate me if he finds out?I can't imagine my brother's reaction, and I dare not think about it.Through a bed board, I said in a voice that only me and my Guanyin could hear: "There will be no next time...I promise."

I was immersed in confusion and sadness, and I didn't hear the slight shaking of the bed board above, until my brother bent his knees and squatted beside the bed and said to me: "Meng Li, come out."

I didn't dare to face my brother, so I could only hold my head and answer in a low voice in a cowardly manner: "I won't go out."

Lu Xinyao stretched out his hand to me and said to me again: "Come here."

It has been proved countless times that I cannot refuse my brother.As long as he hooks his fingers at me, I will lose all directions and run to him involuntarily—not to mention that he stretched out his hand to me.But this time I overcame my instinct towards my brother and stayed under the bed without moving.

Lu Xinyao no longer disdained the childish trick of "counting to three", he exhausted his patience in silence, and directly grabbed my shoulder.His hand fell on me like a hot flame, easily burning me, I didn't even know where my anger came from, I had already bit my brother.

Lu Xinyao is very thin. In order to feed me and himself, his arms have been worked for a long time, the muscles are tight, and the bones are hard.My teeth were sore, followed by my nose.

I let go and hugged Lu Xinyao's arm.

"I'm sorry, brother."

Lu Xinyao didn't say anything, he didn't pay attention to the pain at all, even when I bit him, he didn't make a sound of pain.He dragged me out from under the bed and asked, "What are you doing hiding under the bed again? Why are you crazy?"

Lu Xinyao was fiercer than Pan Guizhi, and even more fierce than Meng Guanghui. I should have been afraid, but I felt wronged more, for no reason. I hugged his arm and said, "I'm sorry, brother, I did something wrong." Had a wrong dream.He added, "I didn't mean to."

I dare not tell my brother: I didn't dream of you on purpose, I rolled under your bed on purpose. —I dare not say a word of these two words.

I lowered my head and handed the broom in the corner to my brother, but Lu Xinyao didn't pick it up. He stood there with Tianguang behind his back, ignored my movements, and ordered me concisely: "Go back to sleep."

"Brother, hit me." I said.

I desperately want my brother to beat me up, only if he beats me can my mistake be forgiven.But I forgot that Lu Xinyao had never touched me. The time when Sun Yuemei slashed him with a kitchen knife, he slapped me was the only time.

If it was a few years ago, when Meng Guanghui was still alive, Lu Xinyao would probably have said to me: "Go find your father." But now he doesn't say that.Lu Xinyao asked, "Why did I hit you?"

I said, "I bit you."

Lu Xinyao thought it was funny, and snorted lightly: "Bring it here."

He said so.Before I finished speaking, the broom was taken away from my hand.

Lu Xinyao asked me with a broom, "Tell me, why did you sleep under the bed just now?"

I dared him to beat me, but when he really threatened me with a broom and was about to torture me to extract a confession, I couldn't help feeling nervous.I squeezed my empty hands together, and dug my fingers into the palms one by one. It took me a while to muster up the courage to confess to my brother: "I, I'm afraid... I want to get closer to you."

Lu Xinyao asked me what I was afraid of, and I said in my heart that I was afraid of dreaming, but my teeth were biting my tongue, and I couldn't say a word, so I shook my head at my brother.

I thought that Lu Xinyao would really hit me, but he threw the broom back into the corner and said in his usual uncompromising tone, "Go back to sleep."

I shook my head: "I don't sleep."

Lu Xinyao frowned slightly impatiently, and looked from top to bottom, as if staring at me, but also seemed to fall somewhere else.After a while, he moved, and a pair of shoes was kicked to my feet.

I looked at my brother in astonishment. He walked around me, walked to my bed and bent down. I saw his wrists protrude due to the instantaneous force. ’ until the edge of my bed hit my brother’s.

The one-person-wide "ditch" between us closed into a seam.

I have rolled down that ditch countless times and crawled under my brother's bed through it.I still clearly remember the first time I lay in this narrow ditch, the moonlight covered my brother and me like a quilt.

I felt top-heavy and stared straight at my brother, as if my soul had been pulled out of my body by him.My brother became wet again in my eyes, and turned back to Lu Xinyao who was washing clothes by the river that night - he is not a god, but a water ghost.