bear shadow

On this day, I... don't know how to escape, I feel like my world is coming to the end, no matter how I hide, I can't escape.Looking at the sky from a distance, why does it seem so far away?The line that catches my eyes is like the edge that I can't touch no matter how hard I try.Why did God create gays?And why am I gay?

When I stepped into the house once, two pairs of eyes stared at me. It turned out that they were already sitting on the sofa, but the atmosphere around them was so solemn that I didn't know what to do.But I understand that my parents must feel uncomfortable, not to mention that I learned about it through a text message, and I feel like I am avoiding myself from facing the truth.

"Dad! Mom! I'm back!"

"We have something to tell you, put your things down and sit here."

This sentence may break the dignified atmosphere, but I know that their interrogation will definitely follow, and I dare not even think about it.I understand that some things will always come when they should come, but I never thought it would be so fast.I knew in my heart that I must tell them with my mouth, but my mouth couldn't act in the way I thought.

"What's the matter with you? You're fine, why are you crying?" Dad said first

"me……"

I couldn't say a word, but I looked in the direction of my mother, but what I saw was an expressionless face. I couldn't read any emotions from the face, because he knew about me, and he didn't like me. Am I disappointed?I don't understand, I really don't understand.When I told myself in my heart time and time again, I can do it, I can do it, it made my mood more stable.

"Dad! Mom! There is one thing that I think I should tell you."

I solemnly and cautiously want to tell them my thoughts and the life I want. I just hope that I can convey my message once, without being sloppy or vague, and explaining clearly in one breath.

"I'm... gay! I like boys!"

When I finished speaking, I had already seen my father's terrified eyes and the scene of my mother lowering her head and not knowing what to do, and the peace I just calmed down messed up my mood again, and my heart changed. I was confused, my eyes were wet with tears and my vision was blurred, only one piece of color was left in the picture of my eyes, I didn’t know what to do, I turned around and wanted to escape from the house with my memories, I’m not a pity I can no longer go back there, but I completely lost all the memories of the past and those who are the closest to my blood.

I used to think that their expectation was love for me, but I don’t know where to start. Their love is too strong and exciting, which makes my heart feel oppressed, and their disappointed expressions are the last thing I want to see. If my life is only for them and can only be manipulated by them, then what is the difference between me and the living puppet?

Before walking out of the gate, I still wiped away my tears and saw their faces clearly again. I just want to keep their appearance in my heart for the rest of my life. If I can, I really hope that we can still live together, with you Sharing joys and sorrows, I turned around and fled, will they think that I still run away?

I couldn't hear anything, only a sentence "Have the guts to leave!? Don't come back!"

My heart was like being driven into a wooden nail, which stabbed my heart deeply but fiercely. I ran forward desperately without thinking about anything. When I wanted to see clearly what was in front of me, but It was too late, when I saw clearly where I was, I had already collapsed in the middle of the road, and my whole body began to feel pain.

I pressed my left hand to my chest, I think this is the place that hurts me the most, maybe it’s here... Gradually, my consciousness becomes blurred, it turns out that death is like this feeling, I can’t keep anything in my mind, I just want to see you again... …