all i want is a man

To Lan Feng:

I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm gay.I'm telling you now, it's really a crime worthy of death.You are very kind to me and never disobey my will.You are gentle, kind, generous, and skilled.You have many advantages.I am afraid that the list will not be complete for a while.I have been with you for a year and a half.For a year and a half, I have tried hard to let myself try to accept you, like you, and even possess you.However, it turns out that you know very well that we are all stiff, and I cannot enter your body at all.If I could sum up my relationship with you with one word, it would be to treat each other as guests.

Lan Feng, I have a small question that I haven't dared to ask.Do you really like me?Whether it is or not, I can accept it.To be honest, with you, I don't feel the thrill of any couple, and I'm sure you will too.If yes, it means you don't really like me.Because, I don't really like you, so I know clearly that I can't get that feeling from you.As for why you chose to be with me, I don't want to know anymore.However, in the end, I still want to say something long-winded, no matter how you choose, please follow your inner thoughts.Do what you want to do.I left N University, and everything is fine now.don't read.wish well.Lin Yuan.

On April 24, [-], at [-]:[-] in the morning, Lan Feng wrote:

Lin Yuan, in fact, you don't need to apologize.You chose me, I chose you, not for true love.Your guess is right.I don't like you at all.Not your problem, you're fine, really.I perceive that you have many advantages. Is this the beauty that comes from distance?It's funny.The person you like should be Xia Xuechen, right?do not panic.Because I also have the same confusion as you.I like only women.So, I will not despise you.On the contrary, there will be a kind of sympathy for each other who are also fallen in the world.

When we are together, although we don't have the heart-pounding feeling that couples have, we are not alone, at least on the surface.You are making a big fuss.I am now the biggest victim.Everyone cares about me.Is this a blessing in disguise?Lin Yuan, if, I just mean if, if one day, we all find the one we love, we can actually form a formal marriage.It's just that, at present, there is no chance, right?

Thank you for your advice.Follow your heart.I wish you happiness.

Lan Feng's blessing finally came true. Lin Yuan no longer struggled, twisted, and lost blood due to the pesticides in his body. He fell asleep peacefully.

Xia Xuechen did not see Lin Yuan's last greeting in time.His phone is charging.

In the dream, they met.

"Brother Xiaoyuan, are you leaving now?" At the entrance of the village in the afternoon, Lin Yuan received the admission letter from N University that year.

"Yes, this afternoon's train." Lin Yuan was very excited, showing his white and fine teeth like shells.

"Brother Xiaoyuan, why didn't you wait for me? It's all my brother's fault, he insisted on asking me to go to the canteen to pay the bill." The annoyance was fully revealed.

"I got something on credit, so I have to pay it back, right?" I scratched at Xia Xuechen's hair, it was still so soft and slippery.

"Brother Xiaoyuan, when are you coming back?" He grabbed Lin Yuan's big hand and couldn't bear to let go for a long time.

"I won't come back after leaving." Lin Yuan was still smiling. In that year, his childish face seemed to be transparent when facing the sun.

"Then how can it be? I still need you to help me with my homework." As always, she was cunning.

"Hey..." Lin Yuan still just laughed.

"Brother Xiaoyuan, talk to me. If you don't come back, I won't let you go." Unreasonably spreading his arms, blocking the way forward, just like how serious he was when he fought bad boys to the death when he was a child.

"Silly boy. I will come back to see you often. You..." Before Lin Yuan could finish speaking, the bus took Lin Yuan away without stopping.

"Brother Xiaoyuan! Brother Xiaoyuan——Brother Xiaoyuan—" Tu Liu shouted hoarsely.

The dream came true, Xia Xuechen broke out in a cold sweat.I don't know how he is doing now?Wait till dawn to ask again.It would be rude to contact him now after all.Persuade yourself.

The night was dark and silent.Turned over, but couldn't fall asleep no matter what.He simply took out his phone and played around for a while.

At [-]:[-] in the morning, several text messages from Lin Yuan came into view.

After reading the words "Zhi Xiaochen", Xia Xuechen's drowsiness has completely disappeared, and the surroundings are quiet, with Lin Yuan's familiar voice still in his ears.

To Xiaochen:

Are you biting your nails to sleep again?You will always be a child who never grows up.

[No, nonsense!Rubbing his eyes, pursing the corners of his mouth, he was ready to savor these words.It is such a pleasant thing to be able to read these words carefully in the middle of the night. ]

I still remember the first time I met you, with frowning, red nose, fists in both hands, as if fighting to the death with a few children opposite.At that time, you were a tiger-headed tiger-brained, although you were often harassed by other small groups, but when it came to heads-up, no one was your opponent.Xiaochen, you are the best.

[Yeah, that was the first time I saw you too.You are carrying a small army green canvas schoolbag, a dark gray miniature suit, and white rubber shoes on your feet. You have a thin figure, erect hair, and clear facial features.At that time, you were already the pride of children of the same age, an obedient, sensible, filial and respectful baby. ]

Later, when you went to school, there was only one school in the village, and you became my schoolboy.Your home is very close to mine.Your brother is afraid that you will be naughty and play truant, so he often asks me to lead you to and from school together.Strange to say, after being with me, gradually, you started to ask me questions, and I started to teach you to write your own name.Xia, Xue, Chen, what three beautiful words, what a profound name.You are very smart, and you can learn many things in no time. However, you just can't tell the difference between the flat tongue sound and the warped tongue sound, and you are often severely criticized by the Chinese teacher in your class because you can't pronounce it normally.Don't deny it.

[I really miss those days. Although you are only one year older than me, my friends always obey your orders.Every morning, you will come to my house early to wake me up under the window.Sometimes, I would secretly stuff an apple or a banana into my schoolbag, but never tell me, which surprised me.You said, my name is the most beautiful.You hold my hand, teach me to hold a pen, teach me to read letters and count numbers in my head.Your teeth shine so brightly in the dark.

Xia Xuechen smiled at the corner of her mouth as she read it, and then, the smile faded away, and she muttered, flat tongue and warped tongue are obstacles for many people, okay? ]

Another time, you were bullied by some children from the neighboring village. Sewage was splashed on your pants and there was mud on your clothes.Don't deny it, you owe me a favor.On the way to send you home, will you still sing the song I taught you?You kid must have forgotten, right?Think and know with your toes.

[How could I forget?It was a summer night, and I just wanted to wade by the river, who wanted to meet some troublemakers.There were fireflies flying in the grass that night, twinkling, sparkling, so beautiful.I chased after it, and I could still smell the fragrance of flowers mixed with soil.After washing my pants, I had to go home with my butt naked, and you said no one else could see it.I always like to hum that song, when I am alone and helpless, when I think I will not be able to hold on, when I miss you.Brother Xiaoyuan, how could I forget?Those memories, so true, so beautiful.There is you in it, and I will remember it forever.

A faint smile escaped from the corner of his mouth, wiping some tears that inadvertently overflowed from the corner of his eyes. ]

The time in elementary school was the happiest. The studies were light, and we went to and from school together every day. How happy were the days at that time.Xiaochen, do you still remember?Under the hot summer sun, your figure is so clear, I like it very much.

[I remember, I remember.At that time, the time was carefree. We would often go out to cut firewood together, climb trees and pick peaches together, and catch a few tadpoles in the shallow water by the river, and study them in a serious way. He also sneaked into the vegetable garden of a farmer in the next village, pulled off a few cucumbers and gnawed on them. The farmer chased after him, swearing, and I couldn’t finish talking about those days, either leisurely or exciting. ]

Xia Xuechen covered her mouth tightly with her hands, but still let out some rustling sounds.

After entering junior high school, we often went back to our own homes due to the aggravation of our studies.I don't know what happened to your grades, it goes up and down.do you know?At that time, I was more anxious than you, and I was afraid that you would not be able to enter high school smoothly.Xiaochen, in our village, if you don't take the university entrance exam, there is no way out.Therefore, no matter how hard and tired I am every day, I will take time to care about your study.I was so tired at that time, I was in the third year of junior high school, and you were in the second year of junior high school, but fortunately, we all passed it smoothly.

[I know it all, Brother Xiaoyuan.In order to help me review, on a rainy night, you fell down and couldn't ride a bicycle for a week.You never mentioned this to me.You have always been used to thinking about others, and often ignore your own feelings.Once, I grabbed your arm and begged you to eat at my house.You were shaking with pain.My brother pushed up your sleeves, those bruises and red marks are shocking, that wild woman Chen Fang treats you so cruelly, but you always repay with kindness.Brother Xiaoyuan, why are you bothering? ]

In [-], at the end of summer, you said that you were going to school in Y city.Xiaochen, I am so happy.You are finally leaving this ravine.

That night, you said: "Brother Xiaoyuan, I like you." Hearing you say that, I was really happy, so happy, so happy.Xiaochen, before that, I was so afraid, I was so afraid that you didn't like me at all, and I was afraid that I would hurt you if I said it.Or you are braver than me.Did you forget what I said?That day, I said: "Silly boy, what a secret, I like you too." Xiaochen, I have waited too long for your words.Xiaochen, even if you don't tell me for the rest of your life, I will still wait, wait for the next life, wait for the next life.How can you be so nice and make me like you so much?

[Brother Xiaoyuan, you know that I like you, I always have.Why do you just refuse to face me bravely?Brother Xiaoyuan, I'm not as good as you say.You have been silently paying and caring for me all along.You are not my own brother, but another brother in my life.Brother Xiaoyuan, until today, I realized that my liking for you is not as much as one out of ten things you love about me. ]

Also, and, Xiaochen, do you still remember the scene when you first bought a mobile phone?As soon as you dialed the number, you started talking and talking, leaving no room for me.From nine o'clock to 10:30, your mouth is not sleepy, and my left and right ears are almost too much to bear.You are like a child who always wants to find out about anything new and never changes his mind.However, I don't blame you.Xiaochen's voice is the most beautiful note in the world.

[This is just a very small trifle, but you remember it so clearly.In front of you, I can do whatever I want without blushing, you are like a mountain, a sea, accept me, tolerate me, and silently give me strength.My voice is not that good at all, your voice is the best. ]

College life is always colorful.As long as you have the heart, you will always find a lot of interesting things.Heterosexuals can appreciate the breasts and buttocks of summer girls to their heart's content, gays can appreciate male body art by every possible opportunity, and bisexuals can embrace everything, they are the biggest winners.Where is my little morning?At this time, I fell in love with a child named Xiao Chuan.

[Is it really?

Xia Xuechen's mouth clenched even tighter. ]

Xiaochen, it's strange when you like someone.At first, you don't notice it yourself, but others see it very clearly.Every time you chat with me on QQ, the topic is Xiao Chuan, sometimes it is a series of praise words, sometimes it is a vexatious derogatory word.You said it so seriously, and you said it so funny.His good and his bad have become a habit of yours.So, I decided to let go and let you choose what you really like.Lan Feng is just an appearance.I never, ever liked her.I'm with her just to let you know that I have a girlfriend now, so you don't have to choose between me and Xiao Chuan anymore.I am very happy that you have received such information.

[Why can't you really consider your own feelings?If you think about others like this, what about yourself?Do you deserve to suffer yourself?why did you do this?you are selfish!

Tears slowly flowed down from the corners of Xia Xuechen's eyes, his brows were furrowed, some sweat dripped from his forehead, and his body trembled slightly. ]

Last winter vacation, I went home with you at Y University because I missed you so much.Xiaochen, I haven't seen you for 120 days.do you know?I miss you so much.Every day I carefully describe your appearance in my heart, I am afraid that as time goes by, I will forget you.What an unforgivable thing that was.

[sorry!sorry!sorry!sorry!Brother Xiaoyuan, I am sorry for you.I failed you.Why are you so stupid?I don't deserve what you did to me.

Xia Xuechen clutched the phone tightly, her eyes seemed to see through it.Sobbed softly. ]

That night, at Y University, I don't know why I said those things to you.However, I don't regret it.I love you.Those words always have a chance to be said, don't they?I am so happy now, I said those words in front of your face.I even remember your breath, your lips, your cheeks, your heartbeat.That was the first time I called you baby.Xiaochen, I am so happy.I can finally muster up the courage to call you by your nickname out loud.However, it is impossible for the two of us to be together.Whether it's Chen Fang or your brother.

[Brother Xiaoyuan, I also clearly remember your breath, your lips, your cheeks, and your heartbeat.I will never forget that night.The wind that night was cold and swift.Your voice hangs in the air, and my whole body is pumped out.All pleases, all loves, were confirmed and released that night.Although it passed so fast.However, I am very grateful that you are willing to tell me the deepest words in your heart. I am so happy to be able to get your love.How I wish I could see your smiling face, hear your voice, feel your body temperature and touch your heartbeat every day when I wake up.Brother Xiaoyuan, how I wish you could call me baby again, and hug me tightly to your chest again.

Xia Xuechen let out a long breath, blinked her eyes vigorously, her body that had finally calmed down was throbbing again, teardrops were running all the way and couldn't stop, the unknown liquid pouring down from the depths of her head was constantly It accumulated in his nose, so sore that he had to block it with his hands.

Chen Fang is a lunatic, he is not worthy to be my mother.From childhood to adulthood, all she brought me was complaints and beatings.However, I endured it.Because he adopted me, without her, I'm afraid I would have been snatched away by hungry wolves long ago.After so many years, I thought she really cared about me.However, she didn't, she still regarded me as her capital and weapon to show off.Well, from now on, I have nothing to do with her.

Chen Fang?Brother Xiaoyuan, why did you suddenly mention her?Although she makes things difficult for you in every possible way on weekdays, you have always respected her.Now, why would you say that?From now on, nothing more to do?Brother Xiaoyuan, what are you implying?

Xia Xuechen quickly pressed the down button with her thumb, feeling an ominous premonition getting stronger and stronger.

Xiaochen, I'm sorry.Please accept my apologies.After I was with Lan Feng, I went to your house many times and got entangled with you.Sorry, I shouldn't have forced you.But, Xiaochen, I feel that you didn't reject me.My feeling is right, isn't it?I know, you love me.It's just that I don't have the courage.

Xiao Chuan is a good person.He deserves your kindness to him.He is careless on the surface, but in his heart he cares about you.Time always flies fast.Cherish him well, don't wait for no flowers to break branches.

Xiaochen, how I wish you would call me brother, Xiaochen, I miss you so much, miss you so much, miss you so much.

Xia Xuechen, I miss you.

This is?

Without time to think about it, Xia Xuechen hurriedly called Lin Yuan.His hands were trembling, his whole body was weakening, his ears were buzzing, a powerful aura forced his mind to go blank, but Lin Yuan's smile froze in the air, he couldn't exert any strength at all. , he could only lean his back against the wall, hold the phone tightly with trembling hands, and finally he pressed the call button.

"Sorry, the number you dialed is temporarily unavailable."

Xia Xuechen suddenly became paralyzed, unable to move, even his breath seemed to be taken away, he wanted to pee, he wanted to fly to Lin Yuan's side.But he can't do anything, he can only let the boundless darkness swallow him up.

Brother Xiaoyuan, what have you done to yourself?I have always regarded you as my brother.I miss you too, I really miss you.Lin Yuan!You big liar!Why do you always do things that hurt yourself?I forbid you to do that!Lin Yuan!Where are you?If you dare to hurt yourself, I don't think I will forgive you!no way!no way!I love you!I love you!Lin Yuan, I love you!you answer me.you answer me.

Nothing but black.

The author has something to say: