Doctor, I'm really sick

2010. 9, 15

I remember being envious of Dumbledore's Pensieve when I watched Harry Potter as a kid.Many things that I don't want to remember but can't forget can be put in that pot full of magic.I just turned 18 this year, but I probably have more "distressed" memories than the bearded old principal.I went to see Dr. Liang again today.Dr. Liang suggested to me that writing something every day might help my condition.So, let me take this diary as my pensive.

The wound on the wrist has almost healed, and new pink flesh has grown.This semester, the school only opened a basic anatomy class.Looking at the interlaced red and blue blood vessels in the textbook, I often think, if I had learned this course a few months earlier and learned the location of the deadly blood vessels, would I have been a handful of ashes in the cemetery?

should be.However, the wrist slitting has already made the hotel's bathtub very dirty.If the carotid artery is cut, blood will be sprayed everywhere.This is too much to feel sorry for other people's hotels.I was born to be a scourge, and I shouldn't make others feel bad.Next time, be sure to choose a place that doesn't cause trouble for others.

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2010. 10, 8

Dr. Liang asked me to meet again.She asked me to talk about the National Day that just passed, and asked me if I had a good time?I don't know how to answer, because for me, every day is the same, there is no such thing as happy or unhappy.If I have to say it, it's just that the people in the laboratory are out for the holidays, and it's good that I can be quiet by myself.

Dr. Liang was very worried about me. She prescribed an increased dose of the antidepressant fluoxetine for me, and told me to take it every morning and evening.

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2010. 10, 10

Tang Pinlin was buried today, in a cemetery on the outskirts of the city.The worker who carved the tombstone asked me what to write the name of the person who erected the monument. I thought about it and asked him to write the name of my younger sister Tang Ming.After all, she is the only blood relative of Tang Pinlin.Tang Pinlin is certainly shameless, but Xiaoming is innocent.I'm sorry for her.

But the worker was surprised when he heard that I only carved one name, and asked me, aren’t you his son? Why didn’t you write your own name?I didn't answer him. The word "son" makes me feel extremely ironic and disgusting.

If Tang Pin Lin Quanxia knew, seeing me erecting a monument for him in the name of "son" and seeing my name put together with him, he would definitely laugh out loud.After all, in his heart, I am just a dog he raised, the most humble one.

Dr. Liang suggested to me to make a complete end to Tang Pinlin's matter in my heart.I'm very surprised, he's already dead, isn't it still considered dead?Dr. Liang said not yet.She said, if the matter had been settled, I would not have chosen to commit suicide after Tang Pinlin died.

She advised me to pour out everything about Tang Pinlin from my heart.From then on, never think about it again.

This might be a good idea.

The first time I saw Tang Pinlin was when my mother brought me into Tang's house.He is a proud and wealthy businessman in a well-dressed suit.He and his daughter Tang Ming stood at the door to welcome us.Mom pointed to him and said, from now on Tang Pinlin will be my father, and Tang Ming will be my younger sister.

It was the first time I saw such a beautiful big house, it turned out to be a detached villa, as gorgeous as a palace in a fairy tale.Tang Pinlin and Tang Ming are like the king and princess in a fairy tale.

What about me at the time?Maybe like a little beggar on the side of the road.

In this home, for the first time, I had my own room, my own desk, and even my own bathroom and bathtub.But after the initial excitement passed, I started to feel a little uncomfortable.Because I found out that although Tang Pinlin loves my mother very much and treats her very well, he doesn't like me very much.Once I even heard him secretly tell my mother that I was a nobody and that he wanted her to get rid of me.He then had a child of his own.My mother was very angry at that time, saying that I was her child.

That night, I cried secretly for a long time in my room, covered with a quilt.My mother is willing to pick up an unwanted child from the orphanage, and I am already very grateful to her.I don't want to embarrass my mother.So from the next day, I started to study harder and live more carefully.I want to become the best kid, to prove that I am not unwanted by the wild, I thought that if I did this, Tang Pinlin would accept me.

Thinking about it now, if I had left the Tang family at that time, would the result have been different?But at that time, I really hated my mother.

What a stupid coward I am.

My hard work didn't improve my situation in the Tang family, even my younger sister Tang Ming didn't want to play with me anymore.As soon as she started learning the piano, my mother asked me to practice with her.But we only practiced once, and Tang Ming refused to touch the piano again.At that time, I didn't know that I had hurt my sister's self-esteem.He even used the money from his scholarship to buy her a princess dress that she has always liked as a birthday present.But when she knew that the gift was from me, she seemed not so happy.Thinking about it now, I really shouldn't have hurt a little girl's self-esteem again and again like this.

In this way, several years passed.Stupid me, I have been tirelessly trying to prove myself with excellent grades in exchange for the so-called "adoptive father"'s love for me.If I can't be number one in my class, then I will be number one in the whole school, number one in the city, and number one in the province.When I was 13 years old, I also participated in an important piano festival all over the city.The ones who joined me on the stage were well-known musicians throughout the country at that time.At that time, I thought, if Tang Pinlin saw this scene, he would definitely change his mind about me, right?At least he won't embarrass my mother anymore and force him to throw me away.

So, beyond my means, I invited the whole family to watch my show.Tang Pinlin was reluctant to go at first, but under his mother's constant persuasion, he took Tang Ming and drove on the road with his mother.

And the tragedy happened on that day.On the way to the Municipal Music Theater, under an overpass, Tang Pinlin's Mercedes-Benz collided with a heavy truck.The front of the Mercedes was completely smashed.In this accident, the mother was the most seriously injured, and she was immediately pushed to the emergency ward while bleeding profusely.Tang Pinlin's injuries were not minor.And my little sister Tang Ming's entire face was covered in blood and blood.

It wasn't until I was in the ward that I discovered that she had worn the yellow princess dress I gave her for the first time that day, but it was completely soaked in her own blood.Then I thought, did she plan to forgive me that day?I don't know, because after that, she never wanted to see me again.

Mom was seriously injured and needed a blood transfusion.Although Tang Pinlin himself bled a lot, he was willing to roll up his sleeves to donate blood to his mother, but their blood types were not compatible.I got on my knees and begged the doctors to let them try my blood again.I am very lucky that my blood saved my dying mother.But Tang Pinlin looked at me differently.

After Tang Pinlin was discharged from the hospital, he immediately took the blood samples of my mother and me for a paternity test.Then slammed the testimonial on my face.

It wasn't until that day that I realized that Jiang Qin was not my adoptive mother, but my biological mother.It was she who threw me in the orphanage for eight years.But I have always been grateful to her for picking me up.

I really want to ask my mother why she did this.Does she love me or not.But she was so seriously ill and unconscious that she needed a lot of money every day to keep her alive.But after Tang Pinlin knew that his mother had cheated on him, he was unwilling to spend any more money to save her.He hated her to death.

It was a long time later that I understood why Tang Pinlin had such a big change in his mother's attitude.His love is full of too strong possessiveness and mental cleanliness, which is why he always wants to drive me away-he doesn't want anyone except him to share his mother's love.

It is precisely because of this extreme love that, once betrayed, it can easily turn into extreme hatred.Tang Pinlin couldn't accept that his mother had a child with another man, and this child was standing in front of him now.This is the greatest humiliation for him.

So Tang Pinlin immediately let me go, and decided to give up my mother's treatment.He doesn't want my mother to live, but I still can't bear my mother.I also want to talk to her again in a real mother-child relationship.So I have been kneeling at his door crying and begging him.It took three full days before Tang Pinlin finally let me in.

However, that time I didn't walk in the door by myself, but was dragged in by him by strangling my neck and grabbing my hair like an animal.And this way of entering the door has continued for three years since then, as natural and frequent as eating and sleeping.

After entering the door, the way Tang Pinlin looked at me made me terrified. It didn't look like hate or disgust, but like looking at a dog that could be trampled to death by him at any time.He actually smiled and said to me that he could save my mother.As long as I cooperate with him to do one thing.

I said yes right away.At that time, I thought, as long as he was willing to pay to save my mother, I would be willing to do anything.It's just that I didn't expect that what Tang Pinlin asked me to do would be more unbearable than death.

He tied me to the bed and stripped me naked.Then take out a camera.While whipping me and pinching me with his hands, he took pictures of my every expression.

He laughed loudly, but didn't allow me to make a sound.Even with a slight snort, he would whip a few more whips.After taking the photo, he immediately printed it out.Then the photos were sprinkled on my body together with the pink banknotes, and I smiled and asked me to take them to my mother for appreciation.

I found out later that in that car accident, Tang Pinlin's male function was severely damaged.He is a very proud person, that's why he put all the pain of his wife's betrayal and physical disability on my head.He knows how to destroy a person best - not only physically, but also spiritually.And when he slammed pictures and money on my naked body time and time again, he had succeeded.

I couldn't afford my mother's huge medical bills, so I had to go to Tang Pinlin and let him use the most shameless methods in the world to torture me.I hated myself more and more.I feel like I'm dirty, like a beast without shame.I think more and more about death.

But if I die, what will my mother do?

Although my mother once abandoned me, I was reluctant to abandon her.I might just be born mean.

So, for my mother, I am alive.I still have hope.I study harder.study. When I was 16 years old, I was No.1 in the city and was admitted to the Department of Medicine of Tsinghua University. Soon, I applied for an 8-year undergraduate, master and doctoral degree.

I secretly took my mother to Beijing.Although she is already in a vegetable state, her condition has finally stabilized and her medical expenses have been reduced.I stopped contacting Tang Pinlin, and the Tsinghua student's signature allowed me to find five part-time tutoring jobs smoothly.Although it is a bit hard, it is enough to pay for medical expenses.

That time at school was probably the happiest I've been in 18 years.Daily studies and part-time jobs are exhausting, but I can finally live with dignity.

Unfortunately, God is always stingy with me.Just five months ago, unfortunately, Tang Pinlin went to Tsinghua University to find me.

Tang Pinlin's business went bankrupt, and his life became more and more unsatisfactory, so he wanted to come and see me.He told me that his physical illness has been cured.

He also forcibly touched my face and said that I looked more and more like my mother.

I suddenly realized what Tang Pinlin wanted to do to me.He wanted to destroy me even more completely.

I refused, so he took out a whole bag of photos, saying that he would post my photos on the school bulletin board, next to my award-winning photos, for everyone to enjoy.

I couldn't bear it anymore and rushed towards him.At that time, I knew very well that Tang Pinlin was driving, but I lost my mind and didn't care anymore.We fought together, which caused the car to deviate from its original course and overturned over the side of the road.

The car turned upside down in the rocky ravine.I struggled out of the car with a broken left leg and multiple bruises on my body, but my life was not in danger.Tang Pinlin was stuck head down on the driver's seat, and a big rock blocked his escape door.

He was covered in blood and called my name in pain.Let me pull him out.At the same time, I also heard the sound of the fuel tank ticking and leaking.

The car may soon explode due to an oil leak.But that doesn't mean it's too late to save Tang Pinlin.Tang Pinlin could be rescued quickly just by moving that big rock away.

However, facing Tang Pinlin Qiusheng's eyes and the bloody hand stretched out to me, I stood where I was and didn't move.

The car soon billowed with smoke, and the raging fire quickly engulfed the entire car.In the crackling sound, I heard Tang Pinlin screaming for help miserably, but I still stood there, quietly watching the flames burn every shameful photo to ashes, and quietly watching Tang Pinlin's screams became more and more serious. Small, and finally disappeared in the explosion.

It was not until the fire was completely extinguished in the dark that I passed out due to excessive blood loss.

The police judged the result of the accident as an accident and did not suspect me at all.However, I didn't feel the slightest relief.Every night, I have the same nightmare over and over again.The nightmare was full of Tang Pinlin's screams and bloody eyes.

I'm a medical student, and it's my duty to save lives.But I just watched a person die in front of me, indifferent.

This time, it wasn't Tang Pinlin who soiled me, but I who soiled myself.

I can no longer bear myself like this, and I have no face to face my mother.

So, I chose to cut my wrist with a scalpel on my 18th birthday.

What happened afterwards was very simple. I was fatally ill and lost a lot of blood but did not die.It was Dr. Liang who saved me and kept me informed.She is a very kind-hearted person. In order not to cause trouble for her, and to prevent her from being sad, I plan to live a good life first.

That's all about Tang Pinlin.It's all down here, and my heart is really relaxed.

Hope this is the last time I recall Tang Pinlin.