Doctor, I'm really sick

Chu Sinian's Diary II

2015. 10, 10

Unexpectedly, I have been writing a diary on and off for 5 years, and I have written several thick books.Looking through it today, I feel that my life seems to be the same every day, gray and tired, but I have to persevere.Mom is still waiting for me in the hospital, she has been asleep for so long, I am waiting for her to wake up.

Sometimes when I went to see her in the hospital, I often had a very strange feeling in my mind-I was a little envious.In this world, there are still people waiting for her.

But I didn't.

Insomnia has been getting worse lately.Still having those familiar nightmares.No amount of fluoxetine works.Might as well just eat a bottle of Valium.

It's a pity that this traditional Chinese medicine is too strictly controlled, so it is not easy to buy.

Dr. Liang thought that I might be resistant to fluoxetine, and suggested that I switch to duloxetine hydrochloride, which is more effective.

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2016. 6, 18

I graduated today.Received a Ph.D. certificate.On the awarding platform, I saw a few classmates who graduated together wearing bright red doctoral uniforms, hugging their girlfriends and crying with joy.

They look so happy.

To my surprise, when I came down from the awards platform, there were several pink envelopes on the original seat, and a girl said she wanted to chat with me.I'm sorry for breaking her heart.She is a good girl and should find a very good boy.I can't delay people.

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2016. 8, 5

I have been working in the first hospital of the city for a month.The hospital fulfilled its promise and allowed her mother to be admitted to the intensive care unit.She had slept for too long, and her body was getting weaker and weaker.I was terrified that she would never wake up again.

Two days ago, the first month's salary was paid.In addition to the necessary living expenses, I remitted the remaining 6000 yuan, including the 2 yuan I saved from my previous part-time tutor job, to Tang Ming in the United States.However, as on previous occasions, she returned the money intact.

She still hates me.

2018. 2, 15

Today is Chinese New Year.As in previous years, I applied for duty.In the evening came a very strange patient, a 21-year-old with dazzling red hair.He was obviously beaten, but he lied that he fell and broke his bone.Before leaving, he insisted that he was a star, and signed my name on my white coat, which couldn't be washed off.

This man is so strange.Could it be that there is something wrong with the spirit?

2018. 2, 22

I ran into that strange patient again today.Unexpectedly, he actually bullied a girl in the street.I was very angry and got into an argument with him in the street.

How could there be such a well-developed, simple-minded, arrogant and unreasonable person in the world! ! !

2018. 2, 24

Because of the nurse's mistake, my mother's condition worsened.I want to transfer her to a better ward.But the courtyard said that the beds were tight and asked me to wait.It's been two days, how long will it take to wait?

2018. 2, 25

The hospital told me that there is a ward for my mother.But they had to agree to one condition—it was actually a TV variety show contract?I thought I was reading it wrong.It was only later that I found out that the red-haired patient who had an argument with me that day was actually a celebrity named Qin Zhao.The scene of our quarrel was secretly filmed and posted online.Everyone is really interested?

I really don't understand, what's so interesting about two men fighting?It's really indecent.

But for my mother, I had to sign that contract.

I get a headache just thinking about being face to face with that redheaded guy.

Forget it, just ignore him.

2018. 3, 6

In the past few days, I have been recording programs in Wuyuan, Jiangxi.For some reason, Qin Zhao provoked a flock of geese, which made the film crew into a mess, and had to interrupt the recording.And he himself was not much better, being chased and bitten by geese several times.The pants are all torn.Thinking about that scene now, I still find it funny, but I also feel that he was bitten badly and pitifully.

I gave him povidone iodine to sterilize. For some reason, he said angrily that he refused to take it. After a while, he secretly asked his assistant to get it.Alas, I suddenly found out that he is so naive.

2018. 3, 8

The recording happened a little by accident.I was bitten by a snake. The situation was very urgent, and it was Qin Zhao who saved me without hesitation.

Later in the hospital, he also kept watch over me most of the night.

Seeing him falling asleep at the head of my bed, I felt a strange feeling in my heart.So, is this what it feels like to be cared for?

I think I should reflect on my previous prejudice about Qin Zhao.

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The weather was fine on July 2018, 4

The schedule of the show is very fast, and it is now in Venice, Italy.The style here is beautiful.At night, the dark blue river is sparkling, and the lights on the riverside are bright.It is spring, and every day is bright sunshine.There are vermicelli and white roses blooming everywhere, and the air is filled with a nice fragrance of flowers.Everyone here is smiling and seems to be able to sing a beautiful song anytime, anywhere.The atmosphere also infected me.

I put the glass ten-pointed star that Qin Zhao gave me in a small velvet box, in case the bumps on the road break it.But every day I still secretly open the box and take a look. If I don’t, I won’t be able to sleep well.Of course, if you watch it, you won’t sleep well.Can dream, there are many illusory scenes in the dream, but it is not a nightmare, but like stepping on a soft cloud.

When going abroad, I accidentally lost a bottle of duloxetine.But I didn't take medicine these days, but I didn't feel anything.Maybe try stopping the meds?

It's really good to be alive.

2018. 5, 21

In the past few days after returning to China, I have deliberately not contacted Qin Zhao.I seem to have sensed his thoughts.It made me terrified, but inexplicably looking forward to something.I don't know what's wrong with me, is that person affecting me too deeply?Because of what he did to me, I may never be able to face the opposite sex's love for the rest of my life, so I will turn to the same sex to have this strange feeling...?

I took the initiative to make an appointment with Dr. Liang.She did not express concern about my situation.On the contrary, he looked very happy.She said that although he had never met Qin Zhao, after hearing my description, she thought Qin Zhao was a very good boy, so she even asked me to try?

She also told me that there is only one sexual orientation in this world, which is called the direction of the heart.

Should I listen to her?

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The weather was fine on July 2018, 5

Qin Zhao, this lawless guy, actually forged the rental contract and moved into my house by force!

He obviously lived in a villa by himself, but he insisted on squeezing in with me.I'm getting mad.Sure enough, at a young age, it is easy to act childishly and impulsively!

What he usually eats and uses are the most expensive and the best, but suddenly the environment changes, can he adapt?

But seeing him eating fried dumplings tonight is quite delicious.I endured it and didn't tell him that the dumplings had expired, hahahaha~

2018. 5, 31

In the car today, Qin Zhao actually confessed his love to me, and even...

I decided to hide in the hospital for a while.

In my spare time, I went to the Internet to look at Qin Zhao's video.Whether it is acting or singing, he is so shining, like a golden star shining unobtrusively in the night sky, so big and so bright.

Can I reach out and touch it?

I never dared to think about it.

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2018. 8, 30

A lot of things happened during this period, but because I was too busy, I didn't have time to keep a diary.

I buried my mother today.In her hometown, I chose a beautiful hillside with the peach blossom tree that was her favorite in my back.The peach tree grows very lushly, and the leaves are green. I believe that tomorrow spring, my mother will be able to see the peach blossoms all over the tree.

Qin Zhao accompanied me and put my mother's ashes in the grave together.He didn't know that when I closed the door of the tomb, I quietly said a few words to my mother in my heart.

I hope mom can bless us in heaven.

I once read a beautiful poem by Vicente Vidorov:

dark under the rain

house

moored in the empty sea

in that water column

a little nest lonely

i hide in it

Maybe I'm a broken star

or a firefly

with melodious singing

It is like a ray of light opening up the dark desert

Just because I have an ever-burning lamp on my chest.

The snow-white skylark backs away from me.

I quietly told my mother that I had finally found my ever-burning light.