last raving

In the next monthly exam, I failed the exam, and my ranking plummeted. The academic proficiency exam was getting closer day by day, and I was in a trance all day long.When you were doing exercises between classes, you deliberately tickled me from behind and made me laugh. I could only pull the corners of my mouth with a wry smile. You didn't say anything, but hugged me fiercely with a confused face, and said to me, "It's okay." , I’m here.” What a beautiful sentence, you’re here.Do you know, I dream of you every day, I have dreamed of your arms many times, I have fantasized about your love words many times, I even dreamed of kissing you lingeringly, and when you are in my ear When I gently said these seven words, the kind of heartfelt touch made me feel like I was in a dream.

Later, I instigated your deskmate at that time, and my former deskmate J to ask you, like a spy, to find out who your favorite person in our class is, and I also reminded you not to reveal my identity.Maybe I want to get your affirmation, to convince myself that I am equally important to you?I have no idea.Do you know how happy I was when J told me you were talking about me?I firmly remember what you said about your favorite being L.

After H moved out of the dormitory, he gradually became estranged from me, and got very close to another girl. I knew that I did not do well and made her sad. I felt very guilty, so I didn’t dare to take the initiative to find her. It happened that the other girl liked to provoke her. The alienated girl spoke sarcastic words in front of H every day. Although I felt uncomfortable, seeing H and me drifting away, she asked me: Me and M, who would you choose?I could only be speechless, watching her go from silent to laughing at herself, and then said in a casual tone: I was joking.Yes, one is friendship, the other is friendship and love, I think, in my heart, I actually made a choice a long time ago, what a despicable me.

On a weekend afternoon, after a short half-day vacation, you, who were happy and funny, were silent and did not participate in our noise. I asked you what was wrong, and you said it was okay.How strong you are, how can you be okay like that?I dragged you out for a walk, but you said you didn't want to go, so I showed my disgusting and shameless face, begging for nothing to drag you out with me.

Far away from the hustle and bustle of the dormitory, there is no one in the flag-raising square in the evening except us. The sky is so blue. It is the color that fascinates me, pure and clear.The setting sun is smearing the distant mountains a little bit, you stare at the distance in a daze, and I stare at you in a daze.Then you spoke slowly and told me that your grandma passed away.

You accompanied your mother to the hospital last week and saw your childhood grandmother lying on the hospital bed, no longer as talkative as usual, just lying quietly on the bed, the light of life gradually dimmed with the passage of time, doctor Said it was hopeless, let you go to the hospital for surgery... I think how desperate you were at that time, the feeling of powerlessness that you could only watch grandma waiting for death, but could not do anything, I can't imagine The despair that comes out, I have never experienced the death of the closest person in my life, so I don't know how to face it, it is so strange to me, it is so heavy, so profound, I can't understand it.

I was stunned for a while, and I could only tell you softly, I'm sorry, but with me here, I will always be with you.That was the first time I saw you cry. Tears flowed slowly down your white and flawless cheeks. Your expression was so bleak. In just one day, you have changed from a lively and cheerful boy on the other side to such a haggard boy.

At night when the lights were turned off and you went to bed early, all the roommates asked me what was wrong with you. I didn't want to expose your pain to others again, telling them that she was fine, she just had a cold.After they asked, they started to do their own things again.Only I know that you have something serious to worry about.Please don't blame me for my selfishness, I don't want others to see your fragility, I don't want others to pity you, I want you to only rely on me.

That night, I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. I heard the sound of you drawing papers one by one. I knew that you must be hiding in the quilt and crying secretly, so I didn't even have time to put on my coat, so I sat directly beside your bed. , in the cold wind that came through the window on a winter night, I leaned down against the quilt and asked you softly, "Are you okay?" You answered me with a crying voice, "I'm fine, go to sleep."

I didn't listen to you, and I didn't talk anymore. I sat by your bed and stroked your trembling body under the quilt.I sat for a long time and thought a lot about life and death.The table lamps of the roommates went out one by one, you urged me to go to bed, how could I sleep? "When you fall asleep, I will go to sleep." I said this to you, I hope you will fall asleep quickly, and temporarily forget the indelible sadness.You gently said to me "Thank you, L, thank you for being with me" and I said to you "You're welcome, as I said, I will always be there." I didn't leave until you fell asleep.Without a coat, my hands were already numb from the cold, and my whole body was numb from maintaining a posture. How could I be so stupid at that time.

Because of your grandma, I thought of my grandpa. He is not in good health. Seeing him, who was once full of energy, sinking day by day, dozing off on the couch, I am very scared, afraid that my grandpa will leave me just like that , After your grandma passed away, I had a strange feeling that my grandpa was about to leave too.I wrote a paragraph to myself, telling me after my grandfather passed away, time is really terrible, and the changes of time and space are also terrible, and that day came without warning.

In the physics class at the same time as my grandfather passed away, I was still drowsy. How I hated myself for living in such a mess and not cherishing time so much.The bad news brought by the class monitor without warning, my broken head, and the astonished expressions of my classmates... These are moments that can never be erased from my memory.Then I cried, desperately crying.

At that time, we seemed to be quarreling, and the classmates came forward to comfort me one after another. One roommate hugged me, and the others surrounded me, giving me silent comfort. In fact, I hope that the person who hugged me was you.A hand in the crowd grabbed mine, so warm, so strong, I don't know whose hand it was, but I'm grateful nonetheless.

I boarded the taxi in a daze, ran to my home a hundred miles away, looked at the white clouds, the green hills, the autumn leaves falling, the loess...Looking at all the things I never noticed before, I thought Looking at life, for the first time, I really faced death, from being to nothing.I understand your despair and confusion at that time. When someone who has not lived with each other and loved each other dies, we will feel nothing. When we really face this matter, the pain from the inside out cannot be expressed in words. expressive.

I spent a period of depression in a trance, unable to be happy or laugh.You didn't look for me either, we still quarreled with each other like before, never talking.I ridiculed my self-indulgence in my heart, and I hope you will comfort me, although I don't want to consume the sorrow my grandfather gave me and win your sympathy, but you didn't let me succeed, I should thank you.

The author has something to say: This chapter is more cruel...