mistakenly compared you to a star

When Chu Zichen looked into Yan Ke's eyes, Yan Ke suddenly thought that this was the first time in so many days that the other party looked directly at him so calmly, so he couldn't help but sit up straight, and his movements slowed down.

Chu Zichen said slowly: "I know it all. It was Fu Jingyu's conspiracy that I was taken to the abandoned warehouse. You were just deceived by him. When the accident happened on the bridge, I didn't have much desire to survive. Yes, I am happy to save people and accumulate virtue. Even if the person in the driver's seat is not you, I think I will do it. You don't have to feel very heavy."

"So, I never blamed you for all this, and you don't have to pay for all this."

When he finally said it, Chu Zichen felt a burst of relief.These words have been accumulated in his heart for a long time.Yes, it is impossible for Yan Ke to be his loyal dog forever without desire or desire. This is not what Yan Ke really looks like, nor what he should look like.

"Do you think I'm doing this to atone for my sins, to make up for the guilt in my heart?" Yan Ke's eyes flashed a hurt look.

Chu Zichen shook his head: "I know you won't admit it, because you can't feel it yourself, but you are very abnormal now...you are not the him I used to know."

He decided in his heart that because his act of wanting to save Yan Ke made the other party feel guilty and responsible.

But I never thought of using these emotions to kidnap Yan Ke.He shouldn't have done this, let alone the current self is unworthy.

Yan Ke was supposed to be a person who could make a lot of achievements in the entertainment industry, with a promising future, but he himself was a disabled person who had no job, no strengths, and only suffered from illness.

One day Yan Ke will feel tired, his energy will bottom out, and he will feel bored with himself.Chu Zichen could not see any hope between the two of them.

Yan Ke felt like hearing a big joke.I thought I finally knew my mistake, corrected it, and could win back Zichen's heart, but I didn't expect to get such an answer.He really wanted to ask, do you like the original me?Do you like me who used to ignore you and deceive you in every possible way?Or, because I have been treated indifferently all the time, why can't I bear my sudden surprise?

This thought brought him back a glimmer of hope, and he said more earnestly: "No, I just... because I love you..."

"If you really love me!" Chu Zichen interrupted violently, trembling all over, "How could you not understand my feelings? You treat me well for yourself, but have you ever thought about your kindness?" What am I saying?"

"Then tell me, what is it?" Yan Ke asked very seriously.

He really doesn't understand!Zichen thought desperately, it's a burden!At this moment, he wanted to answer ruthlessly, it was a burden!But he couldn't say it.

"I don't understand, it's just this level of care that makes you so repelled?" Yan Ke couldn't bear the grievance and puzzlement in his patience, "I don't believe it, don't you like this, unless you don't love me anymore. You won't want to accept my care!"

Chu Zichen couldn't argue with him, and his heart was in a mess and he couldn't explain why.

"If you insist on thinking so, I can't refute it."

Yan Ke's eyes suddenly dimmed.

.Yu Yan

"Why do you perfunctory me like this?" Yan Ke's voice had turned into a pleading, "Zichen, look at me, can you look at me?"

Chu Zichen didn't dare to raise his eyes at all, and his heart was tugging wildly.He didn't want to see Yan Ke's humble and hurt expression anymore. Yan Ke was so kind to him, but he just wanted to get closer to him and become intimate again.Yan Ke is so content, how can he be so unfeeling in his own eyes?But is it because of this that I have to fulfill his desire for intimacy as he wishes, even if I know in my heart that I don't want to go any further...

"In short, please don't spend any more time on me."

"I know, you don't love me anymore, so you don't want to accept it for no reason. Well, from now on I will also ask for compensation. I want to touch you, kiss you, and monopolize you. Is this considered compensation? Don't you feel guilty?"

He was so angry that he mustered up the courage to do what he had wanted to do for so long: he kissed Chu Zichen's lips.

Chu Zichen's lower body had no strength, and was imprisoned by Yan Ke in his arms, so he could only avoid turning his head vigorously. Yan Ke was like a person who had been hungry for a long time, eagerly pecking and kissing him, seeking more A little touch, a little more breath.

Passionate kisses rained down on cheeks, neck and lips.Fear, anger, embarrassment, and uncontrollable throbbing made Chu Zichen do nothing, and suddenly they became a ball of anger, blowing away his reason.

Is the essence of love a transaction?

Is it really for this reason to be so kind to yourself?He felt silently held hostage, breathless.Tenderness is only superficial, it's a deception, it's his routine, there is no respect at all... The old familiar wounds are reopened, and the pain is doubled.

The neck was bent into an uncomfortable arc, he thought of those longing and humble days in the past, in order to reach the love he thought, he did not hesitate to put himself under his feet.

The scenes and feelings of the past overlap with the present a little bit, weaving into a big net and making him lost in it.

The picture in front of me was a little blurry, and it felt like a big hand was clenching my chest... It was so uncomfortable...

He grasped Yan Ke's sleeve weakly, but in the eyes of the other party, this action seemed to be a signal of intoxication and lingering.It wasn't until he fell limply on the bed that Yan Ke realized the abnormality of the other party...

An hour later, Chu Zichen was driven to the hospital by Yan Ke because of shortness of breath.

In fact, the symptoms of overbreathing were relieved on the road, but Zichen's weak and helpless appearance frightened Yan Ke, and he insisted on sending him for further examination.

After wandering around, he went to the psychiatric department he is most familiar with. The doctor said that breathing is usually caused by anxiety and other mental factors.

"Hasn't it happened before?"

"No, absolutely not."

"History of anxiety disorders?"

"No."

"What happened then?"

Yan Ke felt so ashamed that it was difficult to speak, and looked at Zichen who was sitting beside him, who was thinking with his eyes blank.At this time, the fat doctor appeared and nodded to his colleagues, "This is my patient, let me talk to them."

When the previous doctor went out, the fat doctor also signaled to Yan Ke outside the door and said: "I want to talk to you alone for a few words."

Yan Ke was very at a loss, and followed the fat doctor to a consulting room next to him.

"I heard Zichen mention something about the matter between you two." The fat doctor took a sip of water from the porcelain jar and motioned him to sit down, "From my observation, the relationship between you and Zichen in the past is the The crux."

Yan Ke was taken aback, how could...

"I took a case a while ago, about a conflict between a high school girl and her mother. The girl's mother is a famous singer. The girl loves her mother very much, and her mother is like an idol in the girl's heart. the same.

Because this mother is very successful, she has high demands on her children.And this girl, because she loves her mother, cares about her eyes.Because I adore my mother, I fully believe in her standards.

So whenever the mother is dissatisfied with the girl, the girl will be even more dissatisfied with herself. Because she loves her mother, she refuses to question her mother and shake the image of her mother in her heart, so she can only keep lowering herself in her heart to adapt to this full of life. The relationship between unreasonable expectations and accusations. "

Yan Ke stood on the spot and listened silently. He vaguely understood something, but he was very resistant to further understanding.

"Gradually, the girl became more and more inferior and couldn't see herself clearly. Finally, when the girl finally realized that she could never live up to her mother's standards, she despaired and embarked on a path of self-destruction."

Yan Ke's heart was twisted into a ball, and he was powerless to defend: "But our relationship is different from theirs..."

"There is no difference in essence. In this example, this mother just didn't use the way of love, which is different from what happened before you and Zichen." The fat doctor paused, "You used and deceived him before, It hurt his self-esteem far more than what this mother did."

Yan Ke felt like a stick in his throat, his fingernails were tightly pinching the flesh of his palm.The fat doctor had a kind tone and a pleasant smile, but every word he said hit his weakness accurately.

"The way you treated him once caused his inner inferiority complex and fragility. He is unable to bear your care now because of his inferiority complex, which was shaped by you in the past. The way you get along has changed. Formed, once he faces you, he will subconsciously lose his dominance and lower himself unconsciously."

"Although you think you are very considerate and gentle to him now, for him, this has not fundamentally changed the power balance between you. He still stays in the inferiority position you created for him, so he can't bear you The more you give, the more ashamed he will be. That's why he wants to run away."

Yan Ke's heart seemed to have opened a hole, and the cold wind kept passing through, taking away the warmth from his body.How could it be like this, Zichen is obviously his treasure, the one he wants to hold high, and the one he wants to take care of at the top of his heart, but Zichen is stubbornly burying himself in the mud... Zichen, you Are you punishing yourself or punishing me?What the hell should I do...

The fat doctor narrowed his eyes: "Now, I believe you have feelings for him, but for Zichen who is extremely weak and lacks self-consciousness, you just controlled him in another way. He is painful and ashamed, If it goes on like this, it will have a very negative impact on his mental state."

"I once said that Zichen can only recover if he has the desire to get better, but through the recent situation, I feel that he seems to have chosen this status quo; he has subconsciously accepted that he is a burden. "

"Mobility impediment may be his way of self-destructing, freeing him from choice, freeing him from effort, and giving him total control."

"Only by helping him regain his self-esteem can the movement disorder be cured. Before that, I highly recommend that you listen to his voice more, let him take charge of your own life, and reorganize yourself so that you can form a new relationship ."

When leaving the consulting room, Yan Ke felt that the sky was falling.

He peeked at Chu Zichen in the consulting room next door through the door.Zichen sat on the hospital bed, his movements and gaze remained unchanged from when he left just now, like an empty shell.

The little sun, who is full of laughter, good at making people happy, optimistic and positive, is unknowingly turned into a black hole by himself.

He didn't dare to open the door, but came to the hospital corridor, sat on the steps and smoked an electronic cigarette.The smell of smoke was obviously very light, but his eyes were red from the smoke.

Memories flow back.A few hours ago, and even longer before, every time he quarreled, he would hysterically accuse Zichen of being so unfeeling because he didn't love himself anymore.

Zichen never refuted, and silently accepted this kind of accusation, but it was only now that Yan Ke finally realized Zichen's original powerlessness.

It's not that she doesn't love him, on the contrary, Zichen has always loved him too much... He really is like that girl, filling the gap between them with his love and self-esteem.

Because she loves him so much, and it hurts too much to be cute, Zichen finally chooses to give up loving herself.

Yan Ke covered his face and trembled uncontrollably, tears of regret flowed warmly and continuously on his face, as if he had turned his whole soul out to wash and dry.

Maybe this is self-inflicted.But if he could, he only hoped that he would bear the "result" alone, so that Zichen would not be hurt again.

If the person who caused the harm was really me, then this time, I would choose to let go without hesitation.

A few days later, with the wheelchair repaired, Zichen seemed to be back to normal.

One morning, as soon as Chu Zichen opened the window, he realized that the weather was getting cold, so he went to the cabinet and took a scarf around his neck.

When he came to the living room, Yan Ke smiled as soon as he saw him: "It's this scarf...why, don't you remember?"

Chu Zichen lowered his head and saw that it was Yan Ke who gave it to him when he accompanied him to watch the cross talk: "Oh."

He paused, and then asked: "Why do you still have to go out to eat in such cold weather?" Last night, Yan Ke suddenly and solemnly invited him to go out for dinner today, but he didn't say why.

"Really don't remember?" Yan Ke dropped his shoulders with some disappointment, "Today is the first anniversary of our reunion."

Chu Zichen was stunned, and looked at the date on the calendar. The familiar numbers gradually awakened his memory of the lowest point a year ago, and also awakened everything when they met.

That night in the clubhouse, when he was in deep danger, it was Yan Ke who extended a helping hand and opened the subsequent story.Looking back now, he doesn't know whether his feelings for Yan Ke are due to the suspension bridge effect or the fledgling complex.When he was covered in bruises and wanted to back down, he didn't even want to think it was love.But what's ridiculous is that after a year, even though he himself has changed beyond recognition, he suddenly found that only the strong emotion has not changed.

If a relationship connects a person's past, present and future and defines who he is, then it doesn't matter how the relationship is named.

But it was also because of this, and because this feeling was closely connected with the meaning of his existence, that he had to withdraw.

It is said that I booked a seat at a Michelin restaurant today, so I should dress more formally.When Yan Ke changed his sweater and windbreaker at home, put on a suit and a woolen coat and appeared in front of Zichen, the latter was unavoidably dazed for a moment—Yan Ke really suited the suit, and his sharp and powerful temperament matched Inherent, it will not be easily erased.

Even though he was burned by his light, he still fell in love with him like this.

Although Yan Ke repeatedly advised him to wear more comfortable clothes, Zichen insisted on choosing the same suit that he had customized together with Yan Ke.After arriving at the restaurant, the two sat facing each other in front of the glass window facing the river view. Zichen looked at the other side, as if looking at himself in a mirror, and something was suddenly touched in his heart, and he almost forgot that he was sitting in a wheelchair superior.

After lunch, Yan Ke drove Chu Zichen further away from home.

As he approached the destination, Chu Zichen gradually recognized that this was the downstairs of the residential complex he used to rent at this time last year.This is the home that Yan Ke sent him back to on the first night. Yan Ke helped him apply medicine to his back and cooked him a meal here. Returning here a year later, he can still breathe the slightly sweet breath in the breeze of this street.

The afternoon sun was warmer, Yan Ke stopped the car at the intersection, pushed the wheelchair and walked slowly on the street full of phoenix trees.

Chu Zichen could hear from his breathing that Yan Ke had something to say to him.