withered lover

Shen Guiwan looked down at Du Zhinian holding his hand, raised his fingertips and gently rubbed against his palm.

When Du Zhinian asked him if he would like to get married, Shen Guiwan blankly agreed. Later Wen Qiong said that Du Zhinian was going abroad, and the fear of being abandoned at any time weighed him down even more.

But just now when Du Zhinian asked him if he wanted to go to Germany, Shen Guiwan would no longer be afraid even if he pretended to be a hypothetical name.

"Tell me." He looked into Du Zhinian's eyes, "I'll listen."

Shen Guiwan's eyes were very bright, the end of his eyes were moist and flushed, his heart was full of emotion, but Du Zhinian dodged and looked away.

"I'm going abroad." His lips trembled violently, and his voice trembled with nervousness and worry.

Shen Guiwan looked normal and asked him, "Where are you going?"

Du Zhinian firmly grasped Shen Guiwan's hand, "Berlin."

"Are you coming back?" Shen Guiwan tilted his head slightly, as if he was simply asking a question.

Du Zhinian was in a panic, the calmer Shen Guiwan was, the more he felt that Shen Guiwan didn't love him and didn't care if they would separate.

"Not necessarily." He choked out, "Shen Guiwan, I—"

"Then can you take me with you?" Shen Guiwan interrupted what Du Zhinian hadn't said, and asked softly, "Can you take me to Berlin?"

Shen Guiwan did not show surprise or panic from the beginning to the end, and Du Zhinian couldn't describe how he felt when he heard him asking if he could take him away, as if the thin thread that lifted the heart suddenly broke, but the high-hanging heart did not fall. On the ground, but was caught by a pair of warm hands, gently held in the palm.

"As long as you are willing." Du Zhinian held Shen Guiwan's hand and leaned on his forehead, "Are you willing to come with me?"

"I am willing." Shen Guiwan said, "I will go with you."

He repeated his answer on New Year's Eve, stroking Du Zhinian's eyes with his fingertips.

Du Zhinian laughed, but when he smiled, his expression changed again.

"Your ID is still with Shen Lu, I...I'll find a way to get someone to help you get a new one! No...you don't have a passport either?"

Du Zhinian spoke incoherently, and fumbled for a while on the bed with his hands. He didn't find what he was looking for, and then looked up in the room.

He anxiously looked for his mobile phone, and finally remembered that he had left it in the study to charge it, and got up to get it, when Shen Guiwan suddenly grabbed his hand.

"Du Zhinian." Shen Guiwan folded his palms together, pressing his warm palm against Du Zhinian's wrist.

He closed his eyes and let out a breath as if he had made a major decision.

"I can go." Shen Guiwan looked up at Du Zhinian, "Just wait another month."

"What did you say?" Du Zhinian was stunned, and it took a few seconds to barely understand Shen Guiwan's words, "What do you mean you can go?"

Seeing Du Zhinian's sudden change of expression, Shen Guiwan let go of his hand and said, "Lu Xing's sister is back."

"Lu Xing's sister?" Du Zhinian's eyes widened, "You mean Lu Yi!"

"You... How do you know she's back?" He asked hesitantly, suddenly feeling bad.

"The day you took me to Yu's house, Lu Xing stuffed me with a note with her sister's contact information on it." Shen Guiwan hugged her knees, scratched the raised joints with her fingernails, scratched her skin There are red marks on it.

"Did you call her?!" Du Zhinian suddenly turned up the volume, loudly questioning Shen Guiwan.

He prayed frantically that Shen Guiwan would not do this, but Shen Guiwan couldn't hear his prayer, and nodded very slowly under his gaze.

"Shen Guiwan!" Du Zhinian yelled, "Are you crazy! Why did you get involved! Do you know how ruthless that lunatic in Yu Minggu is? If he knew that Lu Xing asked you for help, how would you even die? Do not know at all!"

It was enough for him to regret bringing Shen Guiwan to Yu's house that day, but now that Shen Guiwan took the initiative to get involved, while Du Zhinian was angry, he couldn't help worrying about something happening to Shen Guiwan.

Du Zhinian looked at the silent Shen Guiwan, annoyed that he was unable to help Shen Guiwan leave here, so he would not hesitate to take risks behind his back.

"What about you?" Shen Guiwan looked up at Du Zhinian, "Since he is so dangerous, why do you have anything to do with him?"

A trace of panic flashed in Du Zhinian's eyes, and he was afraid of being discovered by Shen Guiwan, so he quickly turned his head away from Shen Guiwan's eyes, "I have no other choice."

He regretted it, but when he was involved, there was no room for turning back, so he could only bite the bullet and walk all the way to Hei.

"Me neither, Du Zhinian." Shen Guiwan said sullenly, "Your mother looked for me, and I met Lu Yi before that."

"I'm sorry I never told you."

"So?" Du Zhinian laughed self-deprecatingly, "Shen Guiwan, you've seen them before, and you can leave, why do you still stay with me?"

He suddenly felt like a fool for thinking about Shen Guiwan just now.

He hesitated for so long before because he was worried that Shen Guiwan would not agree to him, and after the probing was over, he made enough preparations, and even thought about how Shen Guiwan would take him out of here if he agreed to himself.

But Shen Guiwan did so much behind his back, but he didn't know until the end.

It turned out they were all lying to him.

"Do you think my place is a shelter?" Du Zhinian questioned Shen Guiwan with red eyes, and the fingertips hanging by his side kept trembling.

"Why did you agree to be my lover back then? Why are you sleeping with me now?"

The harsh words stayed on the tip of Du Zhinian's tongue, and he would blurt them out anytime, but he didn't say them, and he didn't let them pierce Shen Guiwan's heart.

"Are you coaxing me or lying to me when you said you were willing to marry me?" Du Zhinian's eyes were sour and wet, and his throat was so choked that he couldn't speak clearly.

Speak well, don't be so mean to Shen Guiwan, don't make the person you like feel sad again.

Du Zhinian kept telling himself in his heart, but he didn't know that in Shen Guiwan's eyes, he only imagined himself as the one who was about to cry.

"You are the first person to ask me...ask me if I need help." Shen Guiwan paused, "So I promise you."

He walked up to Du Zhinian and reached out to grab Du Zhinian's hand, "I didn't lie to you."

Shen Guiwan had been hospitalized many times, and had seen countless doctors and nurses who looked on coldly. Only Du Zhinian asked him if he needed help.

That was the kind of care he had never received before, so Du Zhinian asked himself if he wanted to be his lover, even though Shen Guiwan knew that Du Zhinian had bad intentions, he still agreed.

Shen Guiwan's answer made Du Zhinian very glad that he didn't say any more ugly words.

"It's just..." He couldn't say it.

Should I say that I am just looking for sex, or that I want to watch the fun?

No matter which one, Du Zhinian couldn't say it.

Even if Shen Guiwan lied to him without telling him, so what, he also kept it from him and didn't tell him about going abroad, so what qualifications do he have to blame him now?

But Du Zhinian's heart seemed to be hollowed out by someone, and the tearing pain came from the depths of his heart and continued to spread outward.

He asked Shen Guiwan: "Then do you love me?"

joke.I couldn't tell what kind of feelings I had for Shen Guiwan, so how could I have the courage to ask Shen Guiwan?

Shen Guiwan's outstretched hand was about to touch Du Zhinian's wrist, but the moment Du Zhinian's voice fell, it was suspended in mid-air, and the fingertips that Du Zhinian was playing with just a few minutes ago disappeared. The temperature was almost freezing cold.

Whether he loves Du Zhinian or not, Shen Guiwan couldn't answer, or he didn't know how to answer.

He was born in a deformed family, no one taught him what love is and how to love.

Hate is Shen Guiwan's survival instinct, love is not, the person who loved him has already left, weak feelings are useless to him, he doesn't know how to love, and he doesn't know how to love.

But if he doesn't love Du Zhinian, why is he sad now?

Shen Guiwan looked down at his toes, the soft and fluffy fluff of the newly laid carpet wrapped the soles of his feet and rubbed against his ankle bones, the fireplace in the corner was still running, and the warm wind blowing through his calves.

His throat was choked with unpronounceable syllables, but the haze in his brain suddenly dissipated.

"I want to stay here."

Shen Guiwan knew what kind of response would make Du Zhinian happy, and he would follow Du Zhinian's words to say the answer he wanted. Every word and every action was to please Du Zhinian, and it was Shen Guiwan who sent it late. Answer from the heart.

Like, love, these emotions that can be easily uttered from the mouth, are the most extravagant and most untouchable things to Shen Guiwan.

He didn't know whether the emotion that kept surging in his heart when he said these words was the "love him" that Du Zhinian said, and he couldn't tell what kind of emotion could be called "love", so naturally he couldn't confirm himself Is the feeling for Du Zhinian love?

But he doesn't like men, and he doesn't want to marry women, he just wants to stay by Du Zhinian's side, he just wants to be with Du Zhinian.

Even if it is going to a strange country and starting from scratch, as long as Du Zhinian is around, Shen Guiwan is willing.

"I want to stay by your side, I want to be with you." Shen Guiwan grabbed Du Zhinian's clothes, "I can go to Germany with you, can you...don't leave me?"

"I don't want to be separated from you, but I don't know if this counts as love."

Shen Guiwan looked up at Du Zhinian, hoping to get his answer.

But Du Zhinian looked at him with a sad and confused expression on his face, "I don't know, I don't know..."

"I don't want to be separated from you either, why... didn't you tell me earlier." Du Zhinian hugged Shen Guiwan tightly, "Wanwan, Wanwan..."

When Shen Guiwan heard him call the nickname his mother gave him, the tip of his nose and the sockets of his eyes felt sour.

"Wanwan", this is the nickname his mother gave him, and she was the only one who ever called him.

He was her belated child, the only spiritual support in her miserable married life, so he was called "Gui Wan", but he was given the surname of Shen Lu.

"Bitch", "bastard", "bastard son of a bitch"... Shen Lu called him a lot of insults, Shen Guiwan couldn't remember what else, but that man never called his name, let alone Don't say this nickname.

Since his mother passed away, no one had called him that for three years. Shen Guiwan thought he would never hear this name again, but Du Zhinian did.

This man who always called him by his first and last name yelled over and over again: "Wan Wan, Wan Wan..."

Du Zhinian was crying and hugging him.

He used to be the support of his mother, but now he has become the final home of Du Zhinian's wandering and lonely heart.

"I'm here." Shen Guiwan hugged Du Zhinian's shoulders and sobbed softly in his arms.