atypical romanticism

"I realized something was wrong with me when I was a sophomore in high school."

Zhou Yu's tone was steady, as if he was telling a story at a storytelling meeting.

But Xiang Sheng felt as if his heart was stuffed with cotton.

Xiang Sheng's life can be said to be smooth and smooth except for illness, enlightened and humorous parents, tolerant and kind classmates, and good grades. Before that, she could not imagine being in another corner of this land, and she couldn't bear to let go of it. A girl with a drop of tears is actually bullied like this.

The torment of sex can be survived by spirit, but what should one rely on for mental torment?

Over the years, most of the small alley kings have their own families, and some even have both children.They may not even have a shadow of the sin they did more than ten years ago, or they may just say "that person, I have an impression. I didn't have a good time when I was in school."

"She is so annoying. Few people like to deal with her."

The perpetrators lived happily, while the victims remained in the gloom, competing with themselves.

"At that time, Tang Kexin had already transferred to another school, and I was admitted to the experimental class. Everything was going in a good direction, but I seemed to be broken," Zhou Yu's voice trembled faintly, "Other people's eyes stayed on me for a moment, I would be stunned; if someone accidentally touched me, I would subconsciously cover my head."

"One weekend, I lay in bed for a whole day, neither eating nor drinking, and never leaving the bed except to go to the toilet. The most terrible thing is that I didn't realize it. My mother found that my test paper was blank when she came back. Yes, I just realized that I actually stayed in bed for a whole day without eating or drinking."

"I went to the hospital by myself, and the doctor said that I might have depression." Zhou Yu took a deep breath and said, "I wanted to tell my mother at first, but maybe God didn't want to give me a chance to speak up."

The weather on the day of the diagnosis was very good, the sky was as clean as a fine sapphire, and the early summer wind carried the gentleness of late spring, warm and warm.

She had expected this result, and the doctor's diagnosis sheet put a check mark on this expected answer. She didn't collapse, but felt relieved.

This relaxation lasted until Yu Hong went home.

Yu Hong arrived home after ten o'clock in the evening. After eating a few bites, Zhou Yu just wanted to show her the medical records when he heard Yu Hong say to Zhou Zhou in the living room, "I'm really doing this. I don’t understand what the kids are thinking nowadays, it’s reasonable to have a puppy love! They committed suicide!”

"What, what is depression?" Yu Hong snorted coldly, "Depression is so depressed! He can't study enough, he's so depressed that he's falling in love!"

The person Yu Hong was talking about was a senior in the third-year high school essay heavy class. Her grades were very good, and she was among the top ten in the school. The composition of each exam would be printed out as a model essay and circulated throughout the school.

As the college entrance examination is approaching, the ups and downs of each exam's rankings are double stimulation for students and parents-students are worried about their future, and parents are worried about their children's future. To some extent, the goals are the same.

The senior sister's grades in several big exams this time have dropped a bit. She slipped from the top ten to the No.30. The house leak happened to be raining overnight, and she was reported for puppy love. A bamboo basket of rainwater was all poured on the puppy love. thing.

There is an ultimate reason for what the parents have been wondering. After bringing the child home, she criticized and educated her. The senior sister rushed out of the house and was caught before she could run far. Pulling her home was not a simple verbal criticism.

"Is she worthy of her parents by doing this?" Yu Hong said angrily: "This child was admitted from the township below, and her parents only had her as a child. In order to take care of her to go to school, they sold their land and their old house It was sold, and the family of three moved to Yuhua, but in the end, alas, it was really ignorant!"

"I feel bad for her homeroom teacher. Teacher Zheng has been teaching for almost 20 years, and this is the first time I have encountered such a thing. I almost cried and lost my anger in the office."

Zhou Yu's hand holding the medical record lost strength, and she hurriedly kicked the medical record behind the door. Yu Hong heard the sound and asked, "What just fell off?"

"It's nothing," Zhou Yu said calmly, "The English paper for the first year of high school fell on the floor for some reason, so I swept it aside because I thought he was in the way."

It may be that the student's suicide had some impact on Yu Hong, she gave a soft "tsk" sound, and did not yell at Zhou Yu's behavior of desecrating the test paper: "Throw away the test papers you have made and sweep them with your feet. What's the matter with sweeping away? What time is it, why haven't you slept yet?"

"Ah," Zhou Yu breathed a sigh of relief, "Go to sleep now."

"Hey, don't be in a hurry," Yu Hong said, "You heard it just now."

Zhou Yu nodded and said in a muffled voice, "Yes."

"I warn you, you are not allowed to do anything for me," Zhou Zhou shook his head helplessly, but he just shook his head, and did not stop Yu Hong from greeting more than caring, "Your brain Just pretend to be good at studying, don't give me hypocrisy and make me suicidal and depressed, let me tell you, you children are living a good life, and you have nothing to do, find a hypocritical disease to show your style!"

Zhou Yu's hands behind his back trembled, he didn't speak, and nodded sullenly.

Yu Hong sighed, and waved to her: "Go to sleep, you have to get up early tomorrow..."

"But she is dead, how hypocritical can you be so hypocritical?" Zhou Yu said.

"Then who knows," Yu Hong said "cut", "Why do you care about those things, take care of your own business!"

—But she is dead.

She is not even afraid of death, but she is afraid of living. In the end, she will be put on a hypocritical hat.

The generation of Yu Hong and Zhou Zhou has experienced difficult years. In their value system, there is nothing more difficult than starvation and starvation. Naturally, it is difficult to understand the disease of "depression".

There is no shortage of food or drink, and the only thing is to learn. How can you be "depressed"?What's so depressing about that?

Others come here to find trouble, so just ignore it?

Zhou Yu stuffed the medical records into his schoolbag, and he knew the result of some things without opening his mouth—if Yu Hong knew about this, his first reaction would be to not believe it, and she would take Zhou Yu to the hospital for an examination. If the result of the examination is still depression, she will fall into the knot of "how did Zhou Yu get this disease".

After that, Zhou Yu didn't dare to think about it.

From childhood to adulthood, Yu Hong was a very generous parent.

Zhou Yu had a conflict with other children, Yu Hong's first reaction was not to ask the reason of the matter, but to scold her first, why did he make his brother/sister/brother/sister cry.

"Except that you can't just find the reason from other people, you have to reflect on yourself first. If you have nothing wrong with you, how could someone find you?"

——If you were not too fragile, how could you get this disease?

Since then, Zhou Yu seemed to have fallen into a curse. She forced herself to ignore the sight that fell on her, forced herself to blend into the circle of classmates around her, forced herself to be talkative and laughing, and forced herself to imitate the words and deeds of the "normal people" around her. Act as if you are not sick.

This kind of "studying" is very effective. Gradually, she chats with more and more classmates, and even has "close friends" who accompany her to the toilet.

Every time after laughing out loud, overwhelming loneliness would come up, making her breathless.

The medicine for treatment is very expensive, and the pocket money given by Zhou Zhou and Yu Hong was not enough to add money, so she started to secretly contribute articles to novel magazines. A manuscript costs 300 yuan, plus pocket money will be enough.

Zhou Yu knew that she could tell Yu Hong that although Yu Hong couldn't accept it, he would definitely pay for her medical treatment.But Yu Hong didn't understand and had sullen eyes, which was more deadly than any bad mood.

She survived until she graduated from the third year of high school, changed her first choice without telling Yu Hong, and was admitted to Shanghua University, thousands of miles away, to study ancient Chinese.

When Yu Hong knew about it, he was naturally furious, and he dragged Zhou Yu to repeat the study. This was the first time Zhou Yu violated Yu Hong's wishes—she didn't really like the major of ancient Chinese, just because she heard that this major There are few people in this major, and she is really tired of pretending.

In the end, Zhou Yu didn't go to repeat the study, Yu Hong said angrily: "Why are you studying this major?! What are you going to do in the future! Do you still expect to eat me and your dad?!"

"I don't need to bite you!" Zhou Yu yelled out, and Yu Hong yelled with this voice, "I can support myself! I will definitely be successful! Since I was a child, I don't know what I can't do well. Make you think that I will be worthless in the future and starve to death on the street! I just don’t want to learn the major you chose for me, I just want to learn what I like!”

"Okay! Learn!" Yu Hong slapped the table hard, Zhou Zhou huddled on the balcony and smoked, and did not intend to persuade him, "Zhou Yu, I told you! If you don't listen to the old man, you will suffer in front of your eyes. You will regret it later!"

- Regret, I will never regret it.

What is the life of a normal person like?

——I went to college at the age of 18, and everything around me was very fresh. I actively participated in club activities and participated in the student union. It was near the end of the semester that I realized that I wasted a semester, and it was very likely that I would fail the course. After one year of precipitation, in the next four years, I got used to having fun and playing for N months, and concentrated on previewing my life for a week; In [-], I had a moderate position, successfully entered the palace of marriage, and then started a life of daily necessities, rice, oil, salt, soy sauce, vinegar and tea.

Although it has nothing to do with the joyful grievances and enmities dreamed of at the age of seventeen or eighteen, it is also a kind of life.Most people are working-class people who are miserable, and most of their dreams turn into daydreams in the end, or daydreams that cannot be remembered during the day.

Zhou Yu has always been a "normal person" from the beginning to the end, but she found that becoming a normal person that meets the world's standards is a daydream itself - she has no enthusiasm for club activities, and has no personal experience other than learning. This is the only long thing, and it doesn't have a long existence in Shanghua University, a place where the top students in the college entrance examination gather together.

From being uncomfortable at the beginning, Zhou Yu accepted her mediocrity in the end. She relied on drugs to control her depression, but antidepressants could not cure her sudden mania.

After every mania, the depression that surges up is exponentially times that of a single depression. When I see the window, I jump out of my mind.

The first suicide was in the dormitory during the May Day holiday.All the roommates have gone home, and she is the only one in the dormitory.

She huddled in the bathroom of the dormitory, letting the bone-chilling water soak her bleeding wrist.She thought of the senior who committed suicide. After she died, would she also be labeled as "hypocritical", "ignorant", and "selfish"?

Most likely it will.

Although it was absurd, a sense of rebellion rose from the bottom of my heart at that moment—it was impossible to pin this hat on me.

Life is given by parents, but it belongs to me completely!Those people couldn't empathize with the suffering and struggle she endured, so why should she become their gossip after death?

Why did all her struggles end up in the word "hypocritical"?

Zhou Yuqiang stood up, turned off the faucet, and went to the hospital alone.The doctor in the emergency department saw her blistered wound and didn't ask any further questions. After helping her to deal with it, he said, "It's normal for a child of your age to be overwhelmed when encountering some things. You will find out when you enter society. There are so many things in the world that you don't understand."

"Who doesn't live in this world in a daze and sometimes soberly?" The doctor sighed, "Don't be too horny when things happen. As the saying goes, it's better to live than to die, right?"

The doctor's explanation is the benevolence of the doctor, but at that time, Zhou Yu couldn't listen to it at all. This one-day trip to the emergency department made her very soberly aware that she didn't want to die at all, she wanted to live, even Live well.

Self-injury and suicidal behavior are pathological states of mind, not what she thought.

After graduating from graduate school, her condition made it impossible for her to engage in research, so she had to change careers.SHINE, who had practiced as an undergraduate, extended an olive branch to her. Before applying for the job, someone from the HR department asked casually: "You don't have a disease like depression, right? Our company is on the rise, and the work pressure will be very high. , It’s not discrimination, it’s just, well, you understand what I mean, right?”

"Understood, understood." Zhou Yu smiled and nodded.The other party handed her the form and said easily, "I'm just going through the motions, and you don't look like that kind of person."

Zhou Yu stopped filling out the form, chuckled lightly, and murmured, "That's right, I'm not that kind of person."

How can such a person work?

-

After the autumnal equinox, the days are short and the nights are long, and the nights come very early.

The bright lights of the city replaced the sun and continued to illuminate the way forward.Xiang Sheng and Zhou Yu walked one after the other, the milky white lights and colorful neon stretched their shadows very long, they seemed to be cuddling each other as they walked.

Looking at Xiang Sheng's back, Zhou Yu had ten thousand words of questions in his mind, all of which were summed up into one question: "You know everything, don't you still dislike me?"

"Xiang Sheng."

Xiang Sheng stopped and looked back at her. At that moment, Zhou Yu's question could not be answered.

Xiang Sheng's eyes are so clean that they can't hold any misfortune and suffering, they are always agile, always gentle, and always firm.

These are forever, only hers.

She smiled and raised her voice a bit: "Xiang Sheng!"

This sudden voice attracted the attention of passers-by, but they didn't care, Xiang Sheng looked at her with gentle eyes.

Zhou Yu looked at her with a bright smile: "Xiang Sheng!"

"Mr. Zhou, you were already exposed when we first met. Although this is a stinking statement, I did save you. You haven't repaid your favor yet. Don't try to run away," Xiang Sheng hugged her into his arms. Li, whispered softly, "Zhou Yu, you are my only treatment plan."