he can't see our ears

Soon, I found the previous diary.There are only two books in total.

I was mentioned many times in the previous book, but the content of this book is more subtle, probably because it was written earlier, and my elder brother's dislike for me has not accumulated so deeply.

In this book, he didn't say that he wanted to kill me, but he thought I was dirty, I was crying, I disturbed my mother's sleep, I disturbed his reading, and I wasted food.

I refused to wear the old clothes he left behind. I was so stupid that my neighbors always praised me for being smart. I often had nightmares and screamed at night.

I pestered him to tell stories before going to bed. With the mentality of educating me well, he found good stories in children's books and read them to me. After two or three days, he asked me the reasoning. I forgot all the stories and said no. There is a reason; sometimes he makes up a story casually, and he forgets it after he finishes telling it, but I always remember it, and I always pester him to tell him to tell it again...

There are many, many little things.Some things I still remember now, most of them don't.

The diary is not specifically for recording me. In fact, most of the content is about his school affairs. It normally records all kinds of study and life, all kinds of seeing and feeling, but he will mention me every few pages.

In his normal life, his dislike for me is mixed in every moment.

Also, every time I was mentioned, the eldest brother wrote my full name.The kind with first and last names.

I was deeply shocked.

In my impression, the eldest brother is not like this.I never felt hostility from him.Not once.

He has been very kind to me from the beginning to the end. We have such a big age difference, but he has never bullied me, never hurt me, not even a little push, not even an impatient look.

What are these diaries?

I'm in a mess.

I started to find reasons for my eldest brother.I seem to have seen somewhere before that adolescent children may be hostile to younger children, and it will be better when they grow up.Also, when evaluating a person, you have to judge a person regardless of his deeds. It is a fact that my elder brother is very good to me. As for what he wrote in his diary... Maybe he just vented his emotions, and they were all temporary thoughts, not serious, maybe He himself forgot...

Did he really forget?

He mentioned that I would throw away the certificates when I got them, and I didn’t remember to take care of him. If I hadn’t read the contents of the diary today, I might never have remembered it.I really forgot.

But my eldest brother has always kept things from his student days, and kept these diaries.They are well protected and have been following the eldest brother to this city and to their new home.Did he really forget?

The first diary is full, but the latter one is not complete, and the second third of the diary is empty, stopping at an ordinary diary.The diary said that the class held a theatrical performance. He didn't have time to rehearse, so he didn't participate in the performance.

After this article, he didn't write anything like starting to suspend the record, he just stopped in a normal way.

Judging from the font, the elder brother should not be too small when he writes, but he must not be an adult. I guess he is in junior high school or high school?

When exactly did the diary stop?

I thought about it, and came up with a reasonable guess—all the diaries of my eldest brother were written before my mother disappeared.

The eldest brother recorded all the daily chores, and did not mention what happened to his mother.After the mother's accident, if the eldest brother continued to write in the diary, he would definitely focus on this matter. Since there is no relevant content in the diary, it means that he stopped after the mother's accident, and he has no intention of writing the diary anymore.

Without my mother, my eldest brother not only didn't neglect me or bully me, but took more care of me.

At that time, I was ignorant and couldn't understand what happened immediately. My eldest brother was older than me and understood the seriousness of the situation better than me. He was more impatient than me, but he would restrain himself and not show excessive excitement.He communicates with people outside like a mature adult and handles everything in our family...

In the later days, he cooks most of the time.He never gave me any dangerous food, let alone starving me.The money he earns from part-time work will be spent with me, and he will buy small cakes when I celebrate my birthday.

If he hates me, why did he take care of me so tenderly for several years?

Even if he wants to think of people as bad, maybe it can be said that he is afraid of being stabbed in the back by others. If so, he only needs to ensure that I can live normally, and he will do his best. Why should he be nice to me?

But...if he didn't hate me long ago, if his diary was just venting and not his heartfelt words...then why did he leave the house once I grew up?We have been separated from each other for these years, and he has been extremely "busy", and we have never even met during the holidays.

If elder brother wanted to leave me, to get rid of me, why didn't he drive me away?I lived in a dormitory when I was in college, and my elder brother could have continued to live at home, sent my things away, and asked me to live in another place...but he didn't, he left by himself.

Why?I do not understand.

Does he cherish me as a relative, or does he hate me to a certain extent, even to the point of fleeing the whole city?

I stood up slowly and continued to pack other things.

I glanced at the computer already in my bag, and suddenly thought, should I open it up and have a look?Now my eldest brother will definitely not keep a paper diary, so will he write a blog, write Weibo or something?Will he mention me again?

I still haven't watched it.

The best result is that he will stop writing, and he will never mention me again; if he still talks about me, I dare not think what kind of words it will be.

Regarding the diary, I decided to pretend I didn't see anything.

======================

Leaving my eldest brother's residence, I bought lunch at the convenience store and went back to my room in the small guest house.

As soon as I opened the door, I immediately had an ominous premonition.

Walking into the room, sure enough, the eldest brother was gone.There was no one in the house, and no one in the toilet.

This small room can be seen at a glance. There is not even a wardrobe. You can only hang clothes with hooks on the wall. Where can the eldest brother go?

The door is a traditional room door, not a common electronic door in hotels. The lock it uses is the same as the wooden door lock in ordinary people's homes. You can add an extra lock from inside the house, but if you lock the door with a key outside, the house will be closed. People inside can't get out.

I checked the windows.The windows cannot be opened. The room is on the third floor. It may be to prevent accidents. The windows are completely sealed. Only the high part can open a gap the size of a palm. At most, it can only be opened so wide. not going.

One question is, where did the big brother go?Another question is, how did he get out?

Two questions lingered in my mind at the same time, messing up my normal thinking.

I locked the door again, and before I regained my composure, and couldn't think of a better way, I searched the corridors on every floor, and wandered back and forth outside the building, calling my brother's name.

Is this method really correct?Can it work?I am temporarily unable to think deeply.

I went farther and farther down the road, almost by instinct.Cross the path, pass the former hospital, turn a corner into A downtown street, and continue walking east.

Unbelievably, my intuition turned out to be quite good, and I really found my big brother.

He was on A downtown avenue, hurrying down the road.

I ran to catch up and grabbed him.He smiled at me and nodded, like a normal everyday greeting.

He neither shook off my hand nor stopped, and continued to move forward at the same pace as before.He walked with steady steps and a tall and straight figure, not at all like someone recovering from a serious injury.The only abnormality is that he kept his eyes closed, and there was still a small piece of skin tape that I replaced yesterday on his eyelids.

I held him back with a little force, not letting him continue walking, and took him back, but he didn't struggle, and came back obediently with me.

Back in the guest house room, I thought about what to do in the afternoon.I have to rent a car, I'm afraid it's inconvenient to take him with me, but if I leave him... what if he runs away again?

And how on earth did he leave this room?I really can't figure it out.

After thinking about it, I couldn't find a better way, so I had no choice but to stay with him instead of going out.I called the car rental company, decided on the model, gave them the address, and asked them to drive here to hand over.Originally, I wanted to go over to see the condition of the car in person, but now I can only do so.

I'm going to the hospital in the provincial capital tomorrow.In the evening, I ordered takeaway, and there was fried rice that my brother liked.

When I was eating, I suddenly remembered the diary of my eldest brother, and I couldn’t help but imagine myself being stuck by a fishbone, choking on sugar and jelly... There was no dangerous food in the meal in front of us. Since my eldest brother became like this, I dare not Let him eat fish.

My eldest brother used to like to eat pan-fried buns, but now he has no appetite.He has been like this for the past few days, eating very little, I urged him repeatedly, and almost had to feed him, so he could eat a little bit.

When Li was sleeping, he sat by my bed again as before, and patted my arm gently with one hand.

For the past few days, I have turned sideways to the wall, not daring to open my eyes and look directly at him.In the dimly lit room, he was grinning and smiling, with his eyes closed, looking at me with an unknown organ, which made me feel horrified.

The atmosphere is even more different today.Because I read those diaries during the day, now my feelings are more and more complicated.

Every time I look at Big Brother, touch Big Brother, I will think of the sentence in the diary.

Those petty resentments seeped out of the paper, and it took so many years to seep into my heart today.

Even if I made up my mind to pretend that I hadn't read it, I could only deceive others, not myself at all.

I turned over and looked at my brother.I wonder if he still hates me now?

No, it's not "now", now he doesn't seem to have normal thinking... It should be not long ago, for example, when he and his friends were partying on a yacht. At that time, he was independent and free, with a little success in his career. He is surrounded by friends he chooses voluntarily, not relatives like me who are forced to bind... He should be very happy, right?The resentment in his heart because of me should have disappeared, right?

We haven't seen each other for a long time, I haven't bothered him for a long time, he should have forgiven me...

And now I reappeared and ran to him again.If his mind is still clear, will he be annoyed when he sees me, and will he think that I am nosy?

What is he thinking at this moment?Do you forget how much you hated me, or do you no longer hate me?

At this time, the eldest brother stopped patting me and tilted his head, as if he was wondering why I was staring at him and why I didn't sleep.

I put my hand on his forearm and said softly: "I don't know if you can understand what I said... Then we arranged it like this. I will take you to the hospital in the provincial capital. After you are admitted, you will be treated well. I also have I'm busy, so I can't visit you often, and I won't disturb your rest, but if you need me, I will definitely come, and you will definitely be able to contact me. Okay?"

He made no sound, not even a guttural grunt.

He raised his hand and continued to pat my upper arm lightly.

I said, "You may need to be cured for a long time. After you are cured and return to your normal life, I will not bother you anymore. During this time, I have wronged you."

He tilted his head again, opened and closed his smiling mouth twice, but still didn't make a sound.

I like to sleep on my side.So I turned over again, found a comfortable position to lie down, and closed my eyes.This time I was not facing the wall, but in the direction where my eldest brother was sitting.

When I changed positions, he stopped patting my hand. I lay down, closed my eyes, and felt the regular pat on my upper arm again.

The big brother looks very weird, but what's amazing is that I slept well tonight.