Youth Notes

Ever since I heard the word homosexuality from my sister, I can no longer have only pure love. I am afraid of these three words, not because I think it is ugly, but because I know a fact so clearly: Wenzi and I Sunny has no future.Those loves are no longer clothed in the sacred cloak of friendship, it is full of personal affection.I was silent all day long, staring blankly at the distant mountains and the sky, and my heart was filled with gloom.I don't want to talk to anyone, I like to be alone, alone in a place where there is no one, silent, silent.

I find my body to vent, to find some real feeling.Make yourself happy, make yourself tired, let yourself temporarily forget everything.But what followed was greater pain, the degree of which can be called despair.Wen Ziqing will get married in the future, she will have intimate physical contact with someone else, a man, just like what I experience now, she will experience such passion and happiness with someone else, that man.Once I wake up to this reality, this inevitable reality, I find that my world is completely black, I am crazy, idiot, and I want to die.

When Dad talked again and again about how being a teacher is not conducive to taking care of the family in the future, my thinking stopped. My mind no longer accepts words like marriage, husband, children, and family. Every time it comes up, I die. Wish I was really dead, but it always comes back to life after being cold.Those words pierced my heart again and again, causing it to convulse, twitch, and die in the dripping blood, trembling again and again and continuing to beat.I don't want this kind of future, I don't want a future with those words, I can't stand, I can't imagine Wen Ziqing's life with such words and these situations.Wen Ziqing, I really want to die.

She doesn't know what I think, I absolutely don't want her to know what I think, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, she said: Of course our future is like this, we will all have our own home, and we will continue to be good friend.

Do not!Do not!Do not!Do not!

Do not--

No.Don't say, can't say.Don't think about it, I don't want to.I don't want to.I run away, I want to run away to a place where there is nothing, but I am afraid, afraid of a completely silent world, then I will feel myself more clearly, I will go straight to my heart, I will only see To see it in its naked madness and terror.I hope I don't see me, I don't feel me, I hope I don't know her, there is no her in this world.I panicked why she was on me all day long. In my thinking, she followed me, entangled me, and kept watching me all the time.

In that autumn season, I panicked.In that cold winter, I often coughed, and when I coughed, I felt a faint pulse of smoke rising from the depths of my lungs. It was too deep, too thin, and too choking. I needed to wait slowly and hold my breath slowly. , When it finally poked its head out, I already had snot and tears coming out.It just poked its head out, and by the time its slender tail came out, my face was already flushed and full of tears, and I couldn't speak anymore.This often happens during evening self-study, and I often lie on the table for more than ten or ten minutes and cannot lift my head.I was dizzy, my eyes were black, I couldn't see anything, I didn't know who was walking on the campus in the early morning, I had no sense of physical existence, it was a blind ghost wandering.I think maybe I am going to die, I am no longer afraid of death, I am obsessed with these feelings, these physical diseases, these pains, it makes me happy, and I don't want it to get better.I want to watch it develop, watch it destroy me, and hope it will send me to the Land of Ultimate Bliss.

It is kind, even tender, and it only torments me for a while, and it only torments me when it is naughty.That is the rain it gave me, it is caress, it is a silent smile, which allows me to obtain the tranquility caused by weakness, like a peaceful light on a rainy night.

I have never tasted the lights on a rainy night so carefully.That spring, the spring of the second semester of high school.Misty, delicate, gentle, quiet.Rainy night in spring.

At the end of every evening self-study, I like to walk slowly on the streets on rainy nights, watching the yellow halo light gently shining in front of me, and the misty rain and fog gently embracing it, light and peaceful.I prefer the night without rain and fog, the drizzle is over, the sky is very clear, the air is very clear, the street lights are silent under the night sky, watching the wet ground, the ground is round and round, groups of groups of pieces The stars, extremely small and bright stars, well-behaved, pure, sweet.I walk by them every day, and look at them every day. We are all silent children. They are more cheerful, and I am more quiet.Sometimes I would walk along the street lamps all the way to the river, the river I had to pass through when I was in junior high school, I stood leaning against the stone railing for a long time, blowing the river breeze, the cool and slightly chilly river Wind, I like that cold air, like it blows over my skin, gets into my underwear, clean, sober, and cold.I like those winds, the icy cold wind, it makes me have no thinking, no joy and sorrow, I only feel its existence, and it is so cold on my body and heart.I often stand for half an hour or an hour at a time, forgetting whether there are cars or people passing by, and I feel the wind, hair, and eyes.I could see my eyes at that time, and now I can still see those eyes, the eyes in the river wind by the water on a rainy night.I see the silence and coolness I want there.

On some nights, instead of rushing home or going to the river, I just wandered around the school swimming pool.The school's swimming pool is not small, but it has long lost its proper function.When we were in the first grade of junior high school, we used to play here a few times with plastic floating boards. Later, the pool has been dry. I don’t know if it’s for safety reasons or lack of water or other problems. Anyway, swimming has disappeared from sports. , the swimming pool has been empty here.It became a dry pond.Later, the concrete bottom cracked, grass grew, and some small bushes grew. When it rained, the water flowing down from the mountain and the sand drilled in, and the bottom of the pool was gray, green, and yellow in various colors. Both.It is not completely a barren pool, sometimes the school will pile some wood, stones and the like in it, not to mention that even if nothing is piled up, it still gives people a sense of visual pleasure - it creates a blank space for the school There is an extra breathing hole between the buildings.For the students, it is not completely useless. They walk on the edge of the rectangular swimming pool full of palm trees, talk, sit on the four sides of the stands to endorse, read, or jump into the pool to chase and fight, forming a small group Having fun makes people feel that if it is still a real swimming pool, it will lose a lot of fun.

I often move around, above and below this swimming pool, walking, talking, reading, jumping down to have fun, and talking to Zhong Wen and the others.In the last half year of the third year of high school, I would still come here. In the evening and when it was dark, I often came alone between the two evening self-study sessions. Compared with the surrounding teaching buildings, this place is very quiet and dark. This is what I want .I walked back and forth around there, imagining that if this large sunken piece was full of a pool of water, would I jump into it?I can't swim, and a full pool of water is at least two meters deep. In other words, would I commit suicide by jumping into it in the dark?I often think about this question, it is too arousing to people's imagination, it is too dangerous, it does not have any railings or handrails, it stands naked in front of you, shows you, looks at you, waits for your jump, Waiting to take you down and put you in its body.

I didn't jump, I was just thinking, even if I thought about it often, I wouldn't jump, even if there was water, I probably wouldn't jump, I haven't reached the point where I have to die.

Even if the relationship between my father and me has become so tense, even if I suffer from dementia during the day and sleepy at night, I haven't reached the point where I must die.Dad continued to sarcasm me, worst of all, he belittled and beat me up, he said I was just a dead book nerd, dawdling, timid, fragile, petty, self-righteous, I was not good at work, I couldn't talk to people He said that he didn’t know if I would be able to support myself in the future, and he didn’t know if I would be able to support myself after leaving home. People like me have nothing but sensitivity and excessive self-esteem. The most impractical and incompetent of his four children.I was suddenly discovered by my father with many shortcomings, and these shortcomings kept slipping out of his lips. It seemed that I became what he said, a useless person or a burden.I found that I was gone, the positive good self was gone, all my sunshine was gone, and this "I" now made me afraid.I was terrified of the "I" my dad was talking about, she was me in a trance.If there is a God, I must grab his skirt and beg him to tell me who I am. I hope so much that there is a God, and I hope that he will say kindly and firmly: You are a wonderful boy!You are a sunny child!I didn't meet God when I most wanted to be affirmed, encouraged, and supported.I will tremble and grope alone in a darker world.The darkness is so huge, I really want to die, to die.I didn't go, no matter how I think about it, I haven't reached the point where I have to die, and I can't seek death by myself.

Even if Wen Ziqing is still hot and cold from time to time, and still gives me a cold face at every turn, I haven't reached the point where I have to die.Indifferent face, always indifferent face, indifferent eyes, indifferent to strange eyes.She treats me like this, looks at me like this, talks to me like this, her tone becomes cold at every turn, and she speaks harshly when she gets angry.She is always like this, hot for a while, cold for a while, hot for a while, I can't figure out what she is thinking, I can't see the person in front of me who I am infinitely familiar with and infinitely unfamiliar, which one is right now the real her.I swore countless times that I would never talk to her again, and I pulled her back and held her in my arms countless times.I ran away, I evaded, I was also cold, really cold, she ran back, and as soon as she ran back, I collapsed.Wen Ziqing knew that my father and I disagreed. All the classmates in the class knew that I had a falling out with my family, and the head teacher knew it too.They dare not persuade me, it is not easy to persuade me.Wen Ziqing persuaded, and finally she persuaded.She told me, just listen to your father, I don't want you to be so sad.I hate her for saying this, this is our agreement, how can we just give up, how can we say it so easily.Wen Ziqing didn't want me to be in a dilemma, and didn't want to see our father and daughter fall apart.I don't appreciate her empathy, not at all.Not only was I not grateful, but I also resented her, resented her for asking me to betray, and resented her for letting me stop walking with her.

Tears, madness, imagination, more and more crazy imaginations.The stars all over the sky are the crystal tears of the night sky, the flying rain all over the sky is the silent mourning of heaven and earth, my sky is full of blackness.I can't understand why I cry all the time, why I cry when I miss someone, day and night, day and night.Why do I cry when I think of my father when I think of my childhood, and I want to cry when I think of every bit of the past.Why do you cry when you see beautiful things, and want to cry when you see everything.Cry and cry and laugh, laugh and continue to cry.What should I do, what should I do if I cry all day long, if I get everything I want, I won’t cry, but it seems that it’s not that simple, I don’t seem to care if I get it, it seems that I don’t care about anything , it doesn't matter anymore, and I don't want to fight for anything anymore, whatever.

In the end, I didn't want to fight for anything.This world is not mine, it is too far away from me, I am not from this world, I have run too far away.

I'm tired.Really tired.Too tired to kill myself.