Youth Notes

No, I can't die, it's not a damn age, I've been living in a lonely world, and it's not unbearable to continue being lonely.With the disappearance of the spring rain, my heart gradually cleared up with the sunshine in May.I don't cry anymore, I don't cry casually anymore, even if my father doesn't love me anymore and keeps beating me, even if Wen Ziqing doesn't want me anymore, even if I'm just walking alone forever, I won't cry casually anymore.

Two months before the college entrance examination, my sky no longer rained, but I was not actively preparing for the war.Yes, I am incomprehensible.Just like every classmate can naturally move forward with the pace of the times, but I want to stick to a certain territory "unyielding" and "seeing death as home", they, and they, all smiled, held hands, and sang Singing songs, walking towards society and reality happily and casually, but I can't.Their ideals and reality are not opposed but integrated, but mine is different, I am a dissonant sound, yes, I am the cold star in the dark night.

As early as the second year of high school, many students were fighting openly and secretly for their scores. They competed fiercely, guessed each other, kept their learning methods secret, and hid their learning materials. The opponent relaxes his vigilance, and gallops out again during the exam, unexpectedly becoming a dark horse.This is even more so in the third year of high school. In addition to being busy with entering a higher school and fighting against time for the future, everyone is also busy choosing schools and applying for volunteers.

My classmates are all lovely and talented.There are four classes for the top students selected from the entire county, and we are the only liberal arts class. They, they, are young elites in this area and will become useful talents in society.I looked at them, admiring, admiring, envious.I am not one of them, I exclude myself, perhaps from timidity, from fear, from inferiority, from introversion, from a willingness to give up a forest for a tree, or from the fear of being seen madly in love with a tree. A tree, or it may be pride, aloofness, or something else. In short, I have closed myself, and I have automatically and consciously closed myself.Sad child.

I hate exams more and more, watching my classmates compete so much, watching the non-stop exams and exams, watching everyone seem to live for the scores, watching teachers and parents rejoice for the scores and exams Worry, or anger or anger, I hate.

The examination room of the college entrance examination is quiet, it is silent, even cicadas hold their breath, the wind has stopped, the leaves are motionless, the green trees, grass and flowers only dare to secretly send breath, the green breath of life in the sun, with No one can notice quietly breathing.The sky in July was high and blue, and the clouds did not come out.We sat in the classroom, meditated, wrote, and kept writing.While I was doodling on the test paper, I hummed a nursery rhyme: Our motherland is a garden, and the flowers in the garden are so bright... The invigilator gave me a hard look, and I smiled and sang loudly: My Enthusiasm, like a pot of fire, burned the entire desert... Two invigilators came towards me at high speed one after the other. I immediately stood up, picked up my paper and "cracked" it and tore it in half. All eyes were on it. When it came to me, I tore it freely and vigorously, one by one, one by one, strand by strand, and smashed the test paper into thousands of pieces in front of the stunned crowd.Get up, people who don't want to be slaves, build our new Great Wall with our flesh and blood... I sang vigorously, and as I sang, I began to run around the classroom waving my arms, rushing around, avoiding the teacher Reached out and grabbed my hands, I overturned the table, kicked the stool flying, I jumped on the table, kicked, tapped, and ran, jumped, and the sirens on the campus were loud, and a group of people rushed After entering the classroom, I kicked the glass on the window, jumped out, and ran into the forest outside, yelling and laughing, like Ouyang Feng and Zhou Botong, like wild boars returning to the forest.

When I was a child, I liked to play war alone. I held my three fingers together, stretched my thumb and index finger, and immediately turned into a pistol, a real "hand" gun. I held the mouth of the pistol——my index finger pointed at myself My heart pulled the trigger with a "bang", I fell on the bed holding my breath, my "pistol" immediately turned into a trembling hand of a dying man, I stroked my chest and said: Comrade... I The party dues...here, please help me...give it to...give it to the party organization...didn't finish, I tilted my head and died gloriously.After a second or two, I came back to life and continued playing, having fun.

I am playing games, playing with myself in my mind, and games in the college entrance examination room can also be played.

I am playing, when everyone is very nervous.I can't say I'm not nervous, but I want to relax by myself, don't care about it, don't care about the college entrance examination, you have to hand in blank papers, you have to graffiti, you have to make trouble, you have to make a mess of the exam, and you have to be the last one in the exam.Wen Ziqing saw that I complained about other people's madness, so she joked, of course you don't need to worry about your future, you are a hero.This sentence stunned me. Anyone can misunderstand me, but she absolutely can't, even joking.Wen Ziqing, some jokes are unacceptable, and some jokes are daggers.

In fact, Wen Ziqing was the one who didn't have to worry about the way out the most.Normal colleges have recommended places for exemption from examinations.Wen Ziqing deserved to be recommended to the university we were aiming for.She is an exempt student. Although she will definitely take the exam, she must prove her ability with her strength.But she didn't have the anxiety and fear that we candidates are uncertain about life and death.I am not a recommended student, I am far less excellent than her, I have to take an exam.We are no longer comrades in arms shoulder to shoulder.

There are also several lower-level normal colleges that also recruit recommended students, and several girls in our class started a tug-of-war competition.War is cruel, and in the face of practical interests, friendship with classmates will definitely not be put in the first place.For recommending students, since it is a recommendation, it is impossible to completely look at the objective conditions, and the space for subjective conditions is too flexible.They fight, argue, quarrel, tit for tat, cry, write complaint letters, they all want to be fair and just.

Without absolute fairness and justice, I am still just a spectator and listener.Watching and listening to the world in front of you, "playing" life in your heart.Dad stepped off the altar, and Dad returned to the ground.I can't come back, I can't come back no matter what.She is in the sky, among the castles in the air, among the ivory towers and mirages, it is not easy for a fairy to return to the mortal world, although the fairyland has become a desolate and desolate place.In fact, she has never been a fairy, she is more like a savage.At the high school graduation party, a boy in our class was sitting by the door, listening to the music and singing "I am a wolf from the north", his sad look attracted me, and that scene often appeared in my heart Mind, lingering.I used to wonder if I liked him, but later I realized it was because I found myself in him, he was like me, lonely and sad.Because I like the wolf from the north, the wandering wolf, that's me.