Youth Notes

One is Langyuan fairy flower

One is beautiful jade flawless

If there is no coincidence

I met him again in this life

If there is a coincidence

How to get distracted

What a waste

an idle care

One is the moon in the water

one is the flower in the mirror

think in the eyes

how many tears can there be

How can I survive the autumn flow to the end of winter

spring to summer

I was immersed in "Dream of Red Mansions", with the original hardcover version of "Dream of Red Mansions" next to my pillow, a thick pile of review and appreciation materials on red studies borrowed from the library, scripts, still photos of the TV series "Dream of Red Mansions", theme songs and episodes in the play audio tape.I played these songs, day after day, I read the original works and reviews, I communicated and discussed with my roommates, we watched TV shows together, sang songs, and sang songs from the entire cassette tape.I chewed those words, poems, those peach blossom faces, and pearly words. I often stayed on the same page for a whole day, or suddenly went back to read a certain paragraph of text. I watched and read every word and savored them. , Digest them, let them flow in my blood, I follow their strokes into its world.I disappeared in "Dream of Red Mansions", within and outside the dream, 24 hours a day.I wondered why I couldn't get into it when I was in high school, but it was completely different in the past one or two years, and now it has become my blood and nourishment.I no longer wonder why so many people died of depression after reading "Dream of Red Mansions", it integrates everything in the world.I soaked in it for two full months, sixty 24 hours, and eventually I ran away, I couldn't stand it.

The paper is full of absurd words, and tears of bitterness, all of which mean that the author is crazy, who can understand the meaning.

Ning eyebrows in vain.Ning eyebrows in vain.Ning eyebrows in vain.

It's useless to sigh, and worry about it in vain.

Tears in the eyes flow from autumn to winter, from spring to summer.

this is me.I am both Daiyu and Baoyu. Like Daiyu, I am full of worries, sensitive and suspicious; like Baoyu, I look for sorrow and hatred for no reason, and sometimes I seem silly and crazy.

I fit, spasm, growl.The elements in my blood that had never been restless began to spurt out. They were no longer governed and could not be controlled. They ran around frantically.

Why are you bolder now than before, weren't we better before?

You are so beautiful in this dress, boys will definitely shine when they see it, hahaha.

Yeah, where can you find a girl like you?Such a good girl who can't be found even with a lantern, whoever marries you in the future will be happy to death, hehehe.

Yes, I like the male lead in that TV series, so handsome!

Everyone in our class is dating, the two of them are so sweet, she is so happy to have found such a boyfriend.

……

When Wen Ziqing uttered these very common words, I would go crazy. Without a word, my expression changed, my whole body turned cold, and I turned around and ran away.

My emotions fell to the bottom in an instant, I didn't speak for a whole day, and kept crying. When she came, I would get thorns all over my body for no reason. I tried my best to make her uncomfortable. stomped away.I smiled and watched her run away quietly, and laughed madly in my heart. I cried as soon as she ran away, crying until the sky was dark, and after crying, I went to see her again, loving her.

I ran to the lakeside of the school and wandered under the willow tree for a long time, imagining that I would fall into it and die. After I died, she regretted it so much that she would beat her chest and cry under the willow tree, and let her call me whatever Just can't survive.Thinking of how sad and lonely she was, I went back to see her and love her.

In front of her, I talked wildly about boys, about the love in my favorite works, and about the future I longed for. I danced with excitement, my eyebrows danced, I laughed, and my eyes sparkled.Seeing her leaving sullenly, I stopped making a sound.If she comes to me again, still looking happy, I will repeat the old trick, and act more vividly.Make her no longer happy, I will go to see her again, love her.

My classmate and I are very good. We do many things together, play, eat, watch movies, sing, take a walk, enjoy flowers, go to bookstores and go to the street together. I am so busy that I don’t have time to pay attention to her.I went to pick up jasmine, redbud, willow branches, and leaves, and I turned them into beautiful flower crowns, not for her, but for others.We are like-minded and share the same interests. We talk about art, appreciation and theory of foreign literature and culture. Let her be an outsider, an outsider, so that she can't get in the conversation, and let her leave with interest.I observed her situation after she left, and went to see her again, loving her.

I was wearing a beautiful dress and long hair, and I was taking a leisurely walk on the campus. I was so happy to immerse myself in a happy and wonderful world.I am so happy, happy like an angel, I just want her to see me like this.I let this kind of me appear in their dormitory, and let the girls in their dormitory praise me, ask me if I am dating, and if I am going on a date.I just appeared in front of her defiantly, and then walked away.If she appeared at the door of my dormitory, I would pretend nothing had happened, and greet her loudly and happily, just like meeting an old classmate I haven’t seen for a long time, like meeting an old acquaintance by chance.

I took revenge like this until she couldn't stand it anymore, and then I turned back into her lover and her slave again.

In fact, I am not so handsome, far worse, these situations are more imagined than reality, I will cry heartbroken, desperate, like Lin Daiyu, weeping my clothes all day long, like Jia Baoyu, with changeable emotions and scratching my heart and lungs.I'm not that cruel, far from it, I can't bear it before she suffers, I don't want her to be sad, I don't want her to be so uncomfortable, my heart is trembling with pain.I just stayed half dead with her for a long time, exhausting both her and me, and then hugged each other tightly, as if the other party was my life, and only when I hugged each other did I know that I was alive and existed.

Love is creating a world and destroying a world.It makes one king and another a slave, or each other kings and each other slaves.I am a slave, helpless, willing.

I hate and envy all the men in the world, one of the most hateful of them will marry Wen Ziqing home, many of them will be remembered by Wen Ziqing, they will get Wen Ziqing's care and smiling eyes, he Will get her affection and tenderness.I hate them. I hope that all the men will disappear, at least from Wen Ziqing's eyes, so that she will never see or remember them.As long as they exist, I will feel uneasy and miserable every day.

Wen Ziqing seems to like boys very much. I always feel that Wen Ziqing is different when she meets boys. It seems that the room will be filled with sunshine immediately. She will smile brightly and be affectionate. She jokes openly with them, even Flirting, in my face.When I saw her like that, I was so angry and so painful that I left immediately.

I dare not talk to Wen Ziqing about boys, about her feelings towards boys, absolutely not, I would rather die than talk about it.I can't stop her from dating boys, I have no right to do so.I can't imagine if I will go crazy and kill someone when I hear and see such things.

I never thought that she and I have a future, we can go forever like my dream, I didn't know there is such a thing as a same-sex couple, and I didn't know that same-sex couples can also live like a couple.I know very well how my dad would react if he knew I was like this, mom, she can't stand it, these two are very strong people, these two parents who rule their children with a patriarchal system, my parents , They will never allow their daughter to rebel like this, they will tell her to die.I also know very well that Wen Ziqing will not be with me forever, she is so outstanding, so revolutionary, so face-saving, so competitive, she will not sacrifice her future for me and our love.she won't.

I am always ready to be abandoned one day.

I am someone who is always ready to die.

I am a person who has no future and lives in a timely manner.

I've entered a dead end, beyond redemption.

We never talked about this topic, about love, about me or her love with a guy, about me and her love.We just say "love", just "I love you", just hugs and kisses, just caresses.We didn't say it until the day we parted: it was "love" and we were "gay."

Between us will always be vague, always ambiguous, always just a flower in the mirror, a moon in the water.