Youth Notes

All topics about the opposite sex are forbidden, and words such as marriage, husband, and having children are forbidden.These words are all bombs, atomic bombs, which will blow me to pieces and make me want the world to shatter. I know I can't stop anything, and I shouldn't stop anything, but I can't stop my extreme and crazy thoughts.I imagine these words, these words are in my head, like a disease, I am controlled by these words.

I look at those families of three, families of several, those middle-aged and old people, these people who have children, I look at them and how they look, and imagine in my mind how they make children , What is the process of making children, their hands, their mouths, their bodies, what they have done.Research to figure out how they are different from what they were then, and what kind of mental state they were at that time, aren't they ashamed?Don't they feel wrong?Seeing their demeanor now, it is so natural, so calm, and they are so glorious and joyful when they talk about their children, won't they be embarrassed?

I looked at the couples in pairs on the campus, seeing them so intimate, and appearing in front of everyone holding hands happily.How can they not be ashamed?What do they think?Did they just hold hands when no one else was around?So how did they kiss?Are they just kisses?Will there be anything else?I carefully studied their expressions, their laughter, what might be behind those appearances?

I look at the straps on the backs of all the girls and think about what it would be like to tug on it, what would it be like to hold it tight, what would it be like to untie it, how do those guys, those guys do it, they How did you untie that strap.During class I stare at the teacher at the podium, wondering how those gushing mouths kiss, those waving hands undo women's corsets, how they "do it".

I envisioned their lives, the lives of all those who were not like me.I think that the "abnormal" old maids and "old aunts" that people often talk about are because they have the same psychology as me?What is wrong with me?Why are you so perverted?

I'm different from them, from anyone else, even Wen Ziqing can't fully understand this difference, only I know it.I consciously removed myself from them, including from Wen Ziqing's world.

I was never active in group activities, not in the limelight, not active, not showy.I deliberately hid it, just like an indifferent and reclusive audience and listener, in front of them, silent, seemingly nothing.I don't go to small group activities with several men and women. Compared with a few classmates, I prefer to go with a large group of people. The more people, the better, so that I can disappear more completely.I avoid men, try to escape their eyes and ears, I reject and fear that world.I am clumsy and dead in front of boys.I never thought about getting anyone's attention, and I never paid attention to anyone, and I dared not pay attention to anyone. I didn't pay attention to anyone, and I was equally friendly to everyone.I don't give anyone a chance to avoid all misunderstandings, I did it, and the relationship between men and women is always clear and unrelated.Those unfortunate boys who liked me didn't dare to tell me until they graduated. As soon as they said it, I dealt with them in a timely and decent manner. I don't love and don't deserve it.No love, no hate, I nip all that kind of affection in their bud.I pray for them, bless them, bless them away from me, and I'm blessed for them.cheers.In front of girls, I am ashamed of myself, I am dull, dull and silent, and I am so humble that I feel a little inferior.Girls are always lovely and beautiful. I appreciate, treat and tolerate them well, those flowery smiling faces, flying spirits, those eyes immersed in love, they live in wonderful youth.Happiness is theirs, the world is theirs.They make me happy, and I am lonely and glad to feel and be happy with their happiness.I am like a loving old man, like a friendly visitor from an alien planet, I am happy, with tears in my eyes: they are not my kind, they are spring flowers in April, bathing in sunshine and rain, enjoying youth The joy and sweetness of their hearts, they are healthy.This comfort relieved my loneliness and sadness, and at the same time a deep sadness permeated my whole soul.

Nobody is like me.The roommates once mentioned homosexuality occasionally, and they found it incredible, unimaginable, and even disgusting.The girl on my upper bunk said that a university in their hometown discovered a lesbian and was expelled from the school.I'm ignorant and only "ignorant" to ask when they've talked about it the only two times in four years.I asked very "simplely", trying to find out something, but there was nothing.I went to the library, the university library, which is famous in the whole city for its rich collection.Sappho, the ancient Greek poetess, wrote many love poems for her female students, and later committed suicide by throwing herself into the sea. She is the originator of lesbianism. Emily, the author of "Wuthering Heights", may be gay. She has never been in love with the opposite sex, but she has written a masterpiece of love.A Taiwanese woman who immigrated to the United States in the form of a fake marriage witnessed the reality that her "husband" fell in love with a homosexual woman, was abandoned as a result, and eventually died of AIDS.There are many types of abnormal psychology, and homosexuality is one of them.This is all that I have found, and our extensive library is the only thing I have been able to search.The female poet is romantic, she has had many young lovers, she has beautiful feelings and beautiful poems.Emily is a mystery, the genius who died young at the age of 28 has left people with infinite reverie.The "husband" who is in deep pain is sad. He not only loses his love, but also loses his life.He and the female writer and poetess are dead. "Perverted psychology" cannot die, it is in my heart.

Yes, except in my heart, I don't know where it is. I don't know what else to do, and I dare not use other methods, except to search for a needle in a haystack in libraries or bookstores.The Internet has not yet been established, computers have not yet been popularized, "connections" are zero, there are no literary works and classics, or they are too obscure and have no clear traces.I have never read the "strange books" on the street stalls, and I have never thought about going to them. I will not go in the informal big bookstores. I never know the small bookstores hidden in back alleys or corners. Never thought to know.It doesn’t exist in movies. I never thought about watching pornography. I didn’t know there was such a thing as pornography.I don't know, these don't know.When I was 24 years old, I overheard a man say in a movie: Oops, my brother... I asked the people around me inexplicably: What is "brother"?When I was 30 years old and heard everyone laugh because someone said "Viagra", I asked my colleagues around me strangely: What is "Viagra"? ... No, even if I knew it, even if I had it, I would not go to see it. I am a cold star in the sky, I am a person who only sees the blue sky, I am "pure", "out of the mud but not stained", "clean and clear" Not demon".

For me, all the doors in the world are not open for me, those fashion stores, gourmet stores, cozy rooms, busy markets, vegetable markets, bedding, cosmetics, wedding photos, gold and silver jewelry, plush dolls, gifts Candies, bouquets of roses... Those family affections, love, friendship, relaxation, joy, happiness, warmth, stability, long-lasting... None of them are mine, none of them are, they are all for people other than me, for those overflowing with happiness Designed for people who smile and say happy words, that is the market and the rarity in the world, and I am not in the world.

I'm not, I'm nothing, it doesn't matter what you do with me, my life can be done at will, it's lighter than a feather, smaller than dust.

My lights are always on until two or three o'clock in the middle of the night, reading, writing, listening to music, or just looking at the moon, blowing the evening breeze, and counting the stars.I deal with three meals a day indiscriminately, instant noodles, steamed buns, plain rice... just as long as my stomach is not empty, no fish, no meat, and even green vegetables are avoided. For a semester, rice with fermented bean curd or rice with mustard will do.Under the coercion of my classmates, I got myself a few sets of clothes, just decent clothes, all decorations were omitted, all cosmetics were also omitted, and beautiful embellishments were also omitted.Yes, I don't spend much money, not at all. I bought a lot of books and audio tapes, bought food and clothes for Wen Ziqing, and gave her gifts.Money is not a thing, neither are things.Dad will come every time he is on a business trip, and he will bring a lot of delicious food every time, such as fruits, biscuits, drinks, pastries, everything, and there are a lot of them. , I will deal with it everywhere, ask the students to share, and deal with them in a very short period of time.Nothing is left.

It's nothing, nothing, I'm used to it, and it seems that I'm still feeling comfortable about not having it.Even if "have", let it become "nothing". Not being is cruel and sad, but also happy. I cruelly let myself be in the joy of not having.Self-destruction is to find a vent, self-torture is a very happy thing.