winter suicide plan

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Shoes splashed water, and the dim street lamps spread like butter on the wet asphalt road.I was pulled by the wrist by Tang Fengxing and ran across the intersection and pedestrian bridge.We put away our umbrellas and ran like we were having fun.

It was a little awkward for two men to be crowded under one dress, but I didn't mind the awkwardness of the lingering aftertaste of our kiss.The rain fell on our faces, and our hands didn't feel sticky when wet.

We were drenched in the same rain, we unconsciously pressed our shoulders together, approached, and collided occasionally.Even though my wound hurts, I don't feel it right now.Because my heart was colliding with Tang Fengxing, dopamine was being secreted, and painkillers generally weakened my pain.

We went down the stairs together, just in time for a subway train.The suit was pulled off by Tang Fengxing and hung on his arm.

"The suit...is going to be dry-cleaned."

We are in the last car, there are few people in this time period, and there is only one sleeping student in the last car.I looked at the bilingual announcement that flashed the red LED light, and it was almost ten o'clock.

He shook his head and said, "It's okay."

There was a pole between us, and I held my hand on it, and kept my head down, not making eye contact with anyone.He put the suit jacket on his left hand, wrapped it quietly around my hand, and the suit slipped a little on my hand.I was reluctant to let go of the hot palm temperature, but I was afraid of being discovered, so I looked around and felt at ease.

Tang Fengxing looked fine, but when he heard the sound of the subway passing by the track lights, his ears were already red, and he rubbed his hands restlessly under them.Sure enough, it still hasn't changed much, I can't help but raise my head, look at him, and laugh.He just looked at me and opened his mouth slightly.I suddenly discovered that the end of his eyes were upturned and moist.

Tang Fengxing, I really like this person.

I hope that I can continue to indulge in this way, in his eyes, only in the eyes of my reflection.

I tilted my head unconsciously, crossed the pole in the middle, and kissed him at the corner of his eyes.

Looking up at him, I felt that he was holding his breath, and I regained my consciousness and held my breath.They turned their heads tacitly with each other, embarrassed to look at each other.

When I got home, the electricity came back, and there was a thunderstorm that tripped the switch. When I lost control of my emotions, I really didn't think about it, so I didn't turn on the switch.He took off the wet clothes on his body, revealing the handsome lines running from chest to waist.

According to my previous temperament, I must not be convinced, so I took off together, and compared with him whose body is stronger.But now I keep losing weight and all the muscles I had before are gone.

The weather also returned to temperature in May, not too cold, but he was afraid that I would catch a cold.Looking at me with my coat on, I said, "Change, throw it into the washing machine quickly."

"You wash it first, I don't care if I take it off or not, why, do you want to help me take it off?" I said this deliberately, because he was shy and thin-skinned, and he didn't dare to take off my clothes.

He was unbuttoning the belt of his trousers, stopped to look at me, touched the back of his head, wiped his nose with his hand, looked embarrassedly: "You... want to wash with me?"

"No." I took a step back and answered him firmly.

He froze, nodded in disappointment, and walked into the bathroom by himself.

Damn it, once Tang Fengxing showed such an expression, I was at a loss what to do.After hesitating until the end, he grabbed his hand guiltily, followed him into the bathroom, locked the door behind him, and kissed his lips cautiously: "Come here...you can take it off for me, but don't talk about me later, and don't talk about me later." Just ignore me, okay?"

He frowned, looked at my face, and quickly unzipped his coat.The shirt inside has been dusted with dried blood. If I squat down to look at my jeans, I can see the dried blood on my knees through the holes.

He helped me take off my shirt and looked up at my face. There was actually a wound on my face, but the blood was washed away, leaving only a faint gash, which can only be seen in brightly lit places.He touched carefully for a long time, his fingers weakly walked over the wounds, and his voice was heard in the quiet bathroom: "One, two, three... twelve...Chen Shuning...can you hear me count? "He ended up on the spot where my palm was bandaged.I keep this hand in my pocket all the time, and I dare not take it out to hold hands with him.

I was afraid that the bandage would rub against his hand and it would be uncomfortable to hold it.

He squatted in front of me, I stood in front of him, he gently grabbed my fingers.I know of eleven new wounds, large and small.I also squatted down, and the blood scab at the platelet coagulation point on my knee felt a little tearing.

"I heard it. I just accidentally fell. It's just a skin injury. It doesn't look serious. The red medicine is just scary."

"to be frank."

"I bumped into... a small car. Don't worry, listen to me, it's just a scratch, not that kind of collision. Although I fell to the ground, I just fainted for a while and was helped up."

I saw Tang Fengxing's expression became stunned, the same as Wen Duliang wanted to take me to the hospital today, I quickly hugged him and felt his whole body trembling.

This feeling...is it a feeling of fear, right?

He should be scared, right?I feel it, what should I do?

"Chen Shuning... what you said is nothing wrong, is it okay to be hit by a car?" His body was shaking more and more.

"Did you go to the hospital? Did you check that there is nothing wrong with your body? Did you take an X-ray to check? Is it because you said everything is fine?"

"When did you, when did you..." He stopped talking halfway through.

It was only after I heard his cry that I realized the seriousness of the matter.I hugged his head, imitating him to comfort me, and patted his back: "I'm sorry, I... I was wrong..."

As compensation, I kissed his earlobe, then on his cheek, tasted bitter tears on the tip of my tongue, and kissed his earlobe again, but he turned his head and refused, covering his eyes.

"Chen Shuning, you are always like this, always like this, you always expose it so easily. Whether it's the first suicide or the second or third time!"

"This accident is also the same, you are always like this, you are always okay, you turn a blind eye to death, and choose death casually. I can't! I can't! I will be very angry, why, why, you keep me A person...faces the matter of death."

"Damn it, I can't see your death at all! Can you understand! I'm afraid, I'm afraid... What if I find out that you didn't come back today after I got off work, what if, you won't come back someday, I can't save you, what should I do, what should I do?" He covered his heart, covered his eyes with his arms, and tears dripped down his chin.I leaned against him again, letting him rest on my shoulder.

Suddenly a sentence sounded in my mind: "Can you accept your lover dying in front of you?"

Tang Fengxing has never cried in front of me, or cried so sadly.He must have experienced the prediction of my imminent death countless times when I committed suicide and went to the first aid. He wrote it in black and white on a piece of paper, clearly writing the moment of my life and death. It was like the only last connection between me and him.

"I'm sorry, I won't, I promise, I won't, I really won't."

He must have thought about the worst ending, the white cloth covering me, the ending of me going to another world.This is his least favorite and saddest ending, but he has been forced to face it four or five times, or even more.

I am truly sorry for him.

"Chen Shuning, I'm an ordinary person. I'm not a god. I'd be afraid. Although you said that you want to live for me, I don't want you to live for me. You have to live for yourself. If I only have This choice, stay with me, but you will die. I would rather not choose, let you be free, live freely in this world, anywhere."

He seemed to repeat the word "fear" for the first time. No one would be invincible in the face of death. Only through personal experience did he know that death is like a black shadow, covering all hope in an instant.

"Tang Fengxing, don't be afraid. I can do it, I'm by my side, but I won't die."

"I'll smash my suicide plan manual later. Replace it with a guarantee, a guarantee of non-suicide, party A Tang Fengxing, party B Chen Shuning. Party B promises that he will not commit suicide or accidents in this life, and be happy with Party A every day , safe and sound, from the end of the contract time to Party A and Party B, both parties will die naturally."

Since bipolar disorder is going to kill me, I'll kill it first.

"What you said...is it true?" Tang Fengxing was comforted by me and calmed down.

My brain was questioned in a low voice, knocked and bumped one after another, and I felt his fear and uncertainty.

I immediately said, "I'm going to write now."

"Let's talk about it after taking a shower. I'll wash it for you. It's not easy to wash your wound."

I nodded and was about to stand up, but the wound on my body was getting more and more painful. I wondered if it was because I had squatted for too long, my brain was not getting enough blood, I was a little dizzy when I stood up, and my stomach felt a little nauseous.

I pushed him away, and he leaned on my shoulder: "A-Ning... what's wrong with you?"

I pushed his hand away, turned sideways and wanted to vomit, subconsciously bent down, and a bloody smell flowed out along with the acid water.His eyes were blurred, he felt dizzy for a while, blood clots were mixed in the yellow water, and the smell of blood rose up.

This is not over yet, more blood clots were spit out, I was so disgusted that I couldn't bear it, I couldn't get up and grabbed Tang Fengxing's hand, and soon I couldn't hold it anymore, and kept sliding down.

"Blood...blood...Chen Shuning! Look at me...Ah Ning...don't close your eyes...go to the hospital, let's go to the hospital, Chen Shuning." Tang Fengxing turned my face, put his arms around my waist, and pull me up.

I was dragged by that, and fell on Tang Fengxing all of a sudden, leaning against him softly, unable to open my eyes, and unable to speak.

No, it shouldn't be, it's been so long, how come this time...

I alternate between lucid and dizzy, as if my brain was rolling on a trampoline.I could hear Tang Fengxing open the door to get the phone, but I couldn't open my eyes.After a while, he hugged me softly and put his hands on my head. I heard his weeping sound that became real and illusory, as if he was crying in a dream, blaming me: "A-Ning, why are you crying?" Always lie to me..."

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Chen Shuning's perspective