winter suicide plan

===========================

To Tang Fengxing:

I love you, Tang Fengxing.

I love you, but I haven't stopped suicidal thoughts.

I am sorry to write this letter.

This is a late love letter.

Today is my mother's birthday. Obviously it's a birthday and you should be happy, but it makes you feel down and makes you unhappy.

I hope you can always shine and shine, instead of being influenced by me and falling to the bottom with me.I'm like a closet, stuffed with inappropriate clothes, and I'm out of place.

I always think that you are my unrealistic fantasy. Actually, I have never met such a person as Tang Fengxing, and no one loves me.

The medicine is hard to take, I still can’t sleep well, and I still feel nauseous, I feel like I have the smell of medicine on my body, why should I continue?

Maybe one second I was playing in the world, and the next second I was deep in the swamp, and I was afraid that you would be dragged into the swamp by me.

I especially like the way you shine in the crowd. I can't hold that kind of brilliance and warmth. It's too hot, and it burns my skin to pieces, so I can only let go quietly.

Since I was rescued from the river by you, I have been grateful. I have never blamed you for saving me. Death is very painful. Those words of blame are not from my heart.You really did save me.

You let me return to the world, you let me be loved again.When I picked up your diary and flipped through it, I couldn't believe it, I didn't believe that someone really loved me for four years.How can a sinner like me deserve to be loved?

Thank you very much for insisting on having a crush on me for four years.

When I saw it, I thought, it turns out that someone really loves me.

It's hard for me to trust someone, but I trust you all the way.You let me stay in the world for a year, and I watched the cycle of four seasons with you, it was worth it.

I don't think I have any advantages, but I can fall in love with you. This is the biggest advantage I have learned.

You made me, who was poor, become the richest person in the world.

I like the little note you wrote when we were in school, the hand we held under the table, the meal we ate in the canteen, the tomato soup you made, you moved my wheelchair up and down, we were in The kisses no one took, the piano music you played to me at graduation.

I remember your temperature, your voice, your eyebrows and eyes.

Worked hard with you, got off work together, and stayed in the hospital.

Eat, study, cuddle, make love.

I really never regret anything I've done with you every moment of my life.

I love you, Tang Fengxing.

I really feel that I am in love with someone, I want to shout out, I want the whole world to know that I am in love with Tang Fengxing.

But I am not willing, I am not willing to brand you with me, you are still young, you still have a chance, you should love the person you can stay with for the rest of your life.

I asked you yesterday what a man should do, live chaotically like a beast, or die consciously.

I am very clear about my current situation, and you should have guessed my choice.

100% or 0% will lose memory if you do non-aspiration surgery.I will become a person who restores the factory settings, like entering a regular mold, I will not be Chen Shuning anymore.

I would rather choose conservative treatment and take medicine, and I am no longer willing to choose no smoking. I may forget you, forget all the things I have done with you, then my heart will hurt like crazy, so painful that I want to dig my heart out .

I also don't want to lose myself, the way you always love me.

Then I would rather die than live.

I want to take away all the memories with you and me, no one can take it away.

I love you, Tang Fengxing.

I want to use a ring to lock you in, surround you, and put my mark on you, but now I can't even buy an expensive and beautiful ring, am I particularly useless?

This is also a good thing, I can't leave you with such thoughts about the future, your future should not be given to someone like me.

I like the salty sea breeze, the sparkling waves, the first thing I see when I open my eyes in the morning is your face, the sunset glow when I go home with you... I like everything in the world.

All this is because following you, they have bright colors.

So you have to save me this time, set me free, let me go, it's too painful here.I can no longer convince myself to survive, sinners should be punished, I live too much suffering, I shouldn't suffer with me, it's my fault, everything before is my fault, I've delayed your good time for more than a year, I'm sorry .

I selfishly wanted to take you away together, take a knife, wipe my wrist and your neck, the blood is fused together, we will always be one, the most I want to take away is you.

But I thought about it.Can't.

You have to stay here, tell the world, and ask them to remember that Chen Shuning did live, laugh, cry, go crazy, and love.

He once loved a man named Tang Fengxing passionately.

I also want to ask you selfishly, can you in the future forget me slowly, and let me stay in your memory for a second longer.

I love you, Tang Fengxing.

2016.1.14.

Chen Shuning wrote

--------------------

A letter that Tang Fengxing had never seen before was also the first letter written by Chen Shuning.