hear you want to know

There is still no news of my aunt, so I called the police, but we did not sign a house purchase agreement for our business, saying that she was a fraud, and I had no evidence.

What's more, they also gave money.

At that stage, there was only one word left in my life - "boil".

Yes, it's "boiling", going through the days, day after day, I don't know when there will be changes, I can only hope that tomorrow will be better than today.

The reality is that tomorrow will not be better than today. My mother has a body rejection reaction.

If I never leave, where will the cost of her medicine come from?

I had no choice but to bite the bullet and hired a nanny for her, which was deducted from our only living expenses, but at least I could get away and earn more money to maintain my life, or to maintain her life.

But she couldn't think about it. Seeing my hardships, seeing me giving up my studies for her, and knowing that the money donated came from me, she still collapsed.

My mother, the woman whom my father loved all her life, the woman who insisted on adding her surname in the middle of my name, the woman who never despaired after losing her husband and suffering from a terminal illness, at this moment, She broke down.

She is so self-blame and guilty, she feels that every second of her life is consuming my flesh and blood.

She couldn't accept the fact that I had lost a kidney. No matter how I explained it to her, a person can live with only one kidney.

I am the meat that fell from her body, and now I just go back a little bit, nothing.

The result of her collapse was very serious, that is, she will never recover from a setback.

She began to refuse to take medicine, refused to care, and wanted to die.

Looking at her state, I suddenly felt that my previous efforts were useless.

Is it worse?Who else is more miserable than me! I sacrificed my flesh and blood in exchange for my life, but that person doesn't know how to cherish it.

But I can't get angry, I can't lose control, I want to give her the support to live.

I have to resolve myself, my only good medicine is Liang Ye, but he has disappeared from my life.

He can live well without me, but I can't, there is no way, he is the only nutrient in my life.

We no longer communicate with each other, but I still can't help but peep into his life.His space information and messages have become the paradise of my heart.

QQ zone, even if you don’t leave a message, there are traces of visits. I have to take a look on it every day, to see the information he keeps, and to see his latest developments.

I'm like a little thief thinking about the treasures of the neighbor's house, spying on his every move all the time.

In fact, I still hope that he can find me as a visitor. Although my behavior is sneaky, how much I hope he can find out my thoughts. Maybe he will contact me when his heart softens.

But he never responded.

Gradually, I developed a habit. If I don’t browse through his dynamics before going to bed, I will suffer from insomnia. If he posts new dynamics, I will still watch them all night long, but I still can’t fall asleep.

I can't take it anymore.

In the end, my complete collapse was still because of Liang Ye.

He sent the latest status, he is in love, and his girlfriend looks sweet and bright.

I didn't calculate when he posted the message, but it was exactly twelve midnight when I received the message.

His new day has begun, but mine has ended at the midnight that has not passed.

The status updates in the future will be some of his daily life with his girlfriend. They walked the streets together, they went to their favorite restaurants to eat, they went shopping and shopping together, oh, they also accompanied their parents to travel together.

I'm so happy for him!I'm so jealous to the point of madness!

I suffered from insomnia all night long, thinking wildly all night and all night, I thought about how I would get through the more embarrassing life in the future, I imagined that if I were in England at this moment, if I was by Liang Ye's side, if that person was me ...

I'm about to be dazed.

My mother was still looking for death, so I decided to have an open talk with her.

I said, "Whether you can take it or not, it has already happened, and now that you are dead, is it good for me?"

She choked up and said, "If I die, you will have no burden! You can go back to study, you will have a good future, and you can go to England..."

"No more!" I interrupted her loudly: "It's all gone! Even if I can go back to study, everything will never go back to the way it was before!"

"How could it be! You are so smart, as long as you successfully complete your studies and have a high degree of education and diploma, you will definitely get better without me dragging you down! Without my spending money, you can still have some leftover money to live on .”

Speaking of this, I regretted that I trusted others at the time. I hated that aunt who took advantage of the fire, and even more hated myself who had no master.

My mother looked at me with hope in her eyes.

I finally became angry from embarrassment.

I yelled: "I said I have no future! I gave you my kidney in exchange, and your sister took the opportunity to cheat us of our house! I can't go to England!"

She was shocked, froze, and looked at me puzzled.

She realized what I said and cried loudly.

I never knew that a person could cry like that. She slapped the bed vigorously with her palms, her face was upturned like the ceiling, her eyes were tightly closed and tears were streaming down her face, her mouth was open and she was crying.

She wept earth-shatteringly.

The neighbors left and right came out to check the situation, and they all shrank back when I was at home. Who cares about such housework!

I neither persuaded nor stopped her, and let her cry until she lost her strength.

I asked her softly: "Do you still want to die? If you think that you brought me the disaster, then it has already come. Can you be a remedy if you die? It's just a mistake."

"What's more, I know that you don't have the courage to commit suicide, otherwise you wouldn't be able to support yourself for so long after your father died and after you confirmed that you were terminally ill."

My words were very unreasonable, and she lay weakly on the bed and sobbed.

"Let's be honest, it's not shameful to be afraid of death, it's the same for me."

I didn't show her any mercy.I can't let her continue to feel guilty about me, she won't be able to live like that.

"Admit it, the two of us were not close when we were young. My father was able to balance the relationship between us when he was alive, but since he left, the relationship between us is just two familiar strangers!"

"And I tried my best to save you out of morality, not emotion. Emotions are too cold, just like your fried and slippery girl, they are all unreliable things."

"You said, I'm smart enough. How can a person as smart as me not care about the gains and losses? If I do something, I still have to weigh it in terms of the result. I can still take care of you like this. It's because I don't want to embarrass my conscience in the future, so I have to take care of you for my dead father."

I said it almost indifferently, as if I was completing a project on a task card.

Her tears flowed into the pillow and disappeared without a sound.

I went forward to help her up, and let her sit up whether she wanted to or not.

"There are some things between us that need to be made clear."

She looked dull, as if she couldn't understand what I was thinking at all.

I gave her a shock: "Mom, how did you ever feel that I really loved you? Do you think that as long as it is your man or your son, you will be regarded as the most precious thing!"

She looked at me with tears all over her face, and her eyes were full of tears that she couldn't shed.

"I didn't kiss you, not on my own will. It was you, your strength and rigidity, that pushed me away from you."

She moved her mouth, but said nothing.

"When I realized that I was different, when you asked everyone to call me Yu Ze, when you secretly put pornographic magazines in my bookshelf, when you told all the boys in the class to leave When I said that I had a terrible infectious disease, which one of these things you did would move me?!"

She is very majestic, when I expose the dirtiest part of our two hearts face to face.

Her body was trembling slightly, her arms were almost unable to hold on, and she fell heavily back on the bed.

She closed her eyes, but the eyeballs were still rolling, and her eyelashes were wet with tears.

She closed her eyes and said softly: "You always knew that I did it."

"Yes."

"--do you hate me?"

"No hate. I just don't kiss you, and I can't talk about the degree of hatred. I know that your worry is for my good purpose."

"Then what about you now...or..."

"Well, still."

"Then, to Liang Ye..."

When she spoke, her eyes were always closed. I don't know if she didn't want to face me, or she didn't dare to face herself who was powerless.

I am not, I always look at her face and answer, I want it to look at me and see the calmness in my eyes clearly.

I want to go crazy, at least admit it in front of her, admit that I am gay, and admit that I like Liang Ye.

But she refused to give me a chance, she kept her eyes closed and didn't look at me.

"My love for Liang Ye...is my wishful thinking."

Her eyelashes fluttered, but she still didn't have the courage to open her eyes and look at me.

"Did I delay you?"

"You can't say that. He also likes girls."

"Painful?" she asked me.

I twisted the center of my eyebrows into the word Chuan, but I still didn't answer her question.

pain?not painful?

How can it be pain for me to like someone?But isn't it painful?Watch him with her.

However, Liang Ye didn't do anything wrong. Even if I feel sad, I brought it to myself. Liang Ye is an innocent person who doesn't know.

I can't impose on him the resentment that life has given me.

We don't talk anymore.

From then on, she no longer talks about death, and I no longer spy on Liang Ye's life. I think we will all come out one day.

I think that as life goes on, there will always be an unsatisfactory day, but I am naive again, what it gives me is always unsatisfactory.